pls help my family!
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i say divorce and get the condo back and stay there. the other guy i dunno.
i doubt the bi will change after so many chances -
Your sister just got married a month ago? And now she is seeing a new guy?
I suppose, the major issue is the relationship is about money. They should settle it first. About finding right guy everything, its up to your sister.
Of course, if it were me, I would give the marriage a chance. Marriage is a sacred bond. Not something to be trifled with. If all fails, then divorce is the answer.
Seriously, your sis need to work it out with her husband. She made a choice in marrying him and she must bear the outcome. At least bear it longer. And not just one month after marriage. -
the condo is 100% in her name. nothing to get back. she paid every cent and the condo is bought as single owner.Originally posted by hisoka:i say divorce and get the condo back and stay there. the other guy i dunno.
i doubt the bi will change after so many chances -
you are wrong. its not about money. my sis earns enough as a professional and our family is well off. she can well afford the condo. its about gambling rather and old habits.Originally posted by mhcampboy:Your sister just got married a month ago? And now she is seeing a new guy?
I suppose, the major issue is the relationship is about money. They should settle it first. About finding right guy everything, its up to your sister.
Of course, if it were me, I would give the marriage a chance. Marriage is a sacred bond. Not something to be trifled with. If all fails, then divorce is the answer.
Seriously, your sis need to work it out with her husband. She made a choice in marrying him and she must bear the outcome. At least bear it longer. And not just one month after marriage. -
i think it is not just about money, it is about trust too.Originally posted by mhcampboy:Your sister just got married a month ago? And now she is seeing a new guy?
I suppose, the major issue is the relationship is about money. They should settle it first. About finding right guy everything, its up to your sister.
Of course, if it were me, I would give the marriage a chance. Marriage is a sacred bond. Not something to be trifled with. If all fails, then divorce is the answer.
Seriously, your sis need to work it out with her husband. She made a choice in marrying him and she must bear the outcome. At least bear it longer. And not just one month after marriage. -
It is very hard to live with somebody you cant trust.
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8 years of relationship, what more can I say?
Maybe your sister should give him another chance BUT on conditions. All monetary issues shall be oversees by your sister. Your BIL is really too much. The money he lost is what many normal citizen might not be able to earn in his/her life time. The sum was huge!
If your BIL is said that he've lost all the money to stocks/shares, well, ask for the prove. Do every account to show that he really lost that amount of money. If he couldn't show his prove, then maybe it's another scam which have been planned for years. Your BIL could be cheating your sister's and your familys' money.
As for the 3rd party, I think maybe you should run a check on him. And BEWARE of the 3rd party, he might use the trick where many men would use. Men will try to attack a women when the security is low. This is like a trojan house implanted into your computer without you knowing. He might be using this to get close you sister. -
There is always cause and effect.
I think both are a perfect match, one lie and another disloyal.
Is not for me to say who's wrong but seems to me both are not matured enough. Human emotion are fragile.
I don't think you be able to help anything on this. Maybe you can check this 3rd party guy out and make sure he is a thrustworthy guy.
Just tell your sis, to not get hurt don't play with relationship because if she disloyal to someone, she cannot expect others to be loyal to her. -
Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:
Even if he could prove that, it is still cheating.
[b]8 years of relationship, what more can I say?
If your BIL is said that he've lost all the money to stocks/shares, well, ask for the prove. Do every account to show that he really lost that amount of money. If he couldn't show his prove, then maybe it's another scam which have been planned for years. Your BIL could be cheating your sister's and your familys' money.b] -
do not make someone's problem your own.
They should be making decisions for themselves and solving the issues on their own and bear whatever responsibilities and loss they had it coming. -
well note that she left her condo is renting a houseOriginally posted by greenribbons:the condo is 100% in her name. nothing to get back. she paid every cent and the condo is bought as single owner. -
Well. Yes tats wad i meant. Im not saying she got financial difficulties. im saying THEIR relationship has some issues with money which may be related to the husbands habit.Originally posted by greenribbons:you are wrong. its not about money. my sis earns enough as a professional and our family is well off. she can well afford the condo. its about gambling rather and old habits. -
Not up to you to decide at this point.Originally posted by greenribbons:I am on the verge of exasperation advising my sister and the situation is so sticky I do not know how to do so.
My sister got married just a month ago in Dec. Now she has moved out of her husband's home and is living on her own in a rented apartment. In addition, she is now seeing this new guy. Our parents are aware of the situation that she is seeing someone else but are not aware that she has moved out on her own. They are very concerned about my sister but they are not sure what they should ask her to do.
The Condomimium
She and BIL bought a condominium jointly just before the wedding. However the transaction was not completed until recently. 2 weeks after the wedding when he had no choice because it was time to apply for the bank loan and my sister asked why the loan amount had increased by $100+k, BIL spilled the beans on her that he had lost all the money which had been in his safekeeping in the warrants/options markets. This includes $30k given by his parents for buying the house and $50k of my sister's money which my sister had given to him for the purchase, in addition to a remaining $30k of his own money. The money was lost over the period of 2 years in which he threw in more and more cash in order to recoup back his losses. My sister loved and trusted him so much she had given the $50k to him as she did not want him to look bad in our parents eyes when they checked the transaction records, especially since we come from a well to do family while he is from an ordinary background. My parents had insisted on buying it on a % share basis and not on joint ownership which is a 50% share.
After the discovery, it was all downhill, problem after problem as not only the loan amount had to be adjusted but the bank refused to grant the loan in BIL's name as well citing bad records and litigation records. The loan had to eventually be taken fully in her name and the lodgement of the title deeds had to be changed resulting in addition stamp fees of thousands of dollars. In addition, the completion date was in jeopardy and on the day my sis left for her honeymoon, the lawyer rushed down to the airpot to get her signatures at the last minute. She was very harried and extremely stressed.
The condominium is now 100% in my sister's name and she is servicing the loan entirely on her own. While financially this is not a problem (the loan amount is very small still), emotionally, my sister remains very hurt and my mum rather disturbed about the situation. This is taking its toll on me.
The situation has hurt my sister deeply as she and BIL have a 8 year relationship. While they did split a few times over the 8 years, they decided to get married as he has always been sweet and giving to my sister and he gave his word that he is clean of shares when they got back together. My BIL was so involved in shares in university that he owed a quarter milllion bucks when he graduated and has been servicing the sum for some time. During their 8 years together, he promised not to go back to shares but each time, she found he did. Eventually after she left him and saw someone else, he asked her to come back marry him and promised he was clean of shares and had paid back everything as his Dad had struck 4D and given him some money to settle down. She went back.
My sister never expected that he would hide a secret so big for 2 whole years while they were preparing for the marriage. She also not expected that each time she asked (which was very frequently) he would tell her he was free of shares and the money was intact (even though he had withdrawn the $50k fixed deposit long before maturity. My sister told me he even assured her that he would withdraw the money and asked her not to go down to the bank on maturity day!). In addition, he would always swear that he would never touch the housing money because it was precious and for their new life.
BIL wants another chance but my sister is reluctant. He has gone from being frustrated, angry, upset to calm and giving now. Since she moved out, BIL is resigned to her no longer returning to his side and while he makes it a point to check on her daily via sms, make sure she eats and stuff, he is coping well with the situation because BIL is the sort who can take things easy (as evidenced by the fact that he was able to keep a difficult secret for 2 years and go through with the wedding even in deceit). He has accepted that my sister may never return but says he is concerned about the reliability of the 3rd party. My sister is messy and unsure what she can do now and I am not sure what I should ask her to do.
The 3rd Party
My sister knew this guy friend of hers long before a wedding but she had never been keen on him. A couple of weeks before her wedding, she met him for lunch to pass him an invite. Somehow, sparks flew and the guy courted her despite her impending marriage. My sister was clearly at fault to get caught up and go along with it. After the wedding, she found it difficult to let go. While the relationship at the point in time was not entirely that of friends, it was not to the point of sex. My sister made the decision to let go of him shortly into her marriage before she learned about the gambling problem because she felt it was not going to head anywhere. But in her darket hour she returned to the 3rd party when she broke down on the knowledge of BIL's deception. My sister is clearly at fault as well in having allowed her emotions run wild. However, the existence of the 3rd party has helped her most greatly in her most sorrowful hours.
This 3rd party is a very ordinary guy. Nothing special in my opinion. Works long hours with barely any free time due to nature of job and after work goes with friends to chill. I am concerned about his nite life habit but he has told my sis its cos he does not want to go back to the room and be alone (he is non local so lives alone and rents a simple room). I am questioning the integrity of this guy friend of hers given that he courted her despite the fact that she was getting married and asked her to walk out on the wedding. I do not know very much about him and I suspect my sister has still a lot to learn about him. I am worried for her and worried he will hurt her again in the further future should she choose a path with him.
He is taking care of her now as she moved into an apartment which is close to the apartment he lives in (my sis moved there cos its close to her workplace). In addition, their relationship has progressed beyond what it was. He wants to take care of her and eventually marry her. While I am not doubting his intentions to marry her, I am worried about the longer term, after the marriage, will there be skeletons in the closet? And will he let me sister down - perhaps find another girl given that I do not have high opinions of his integrity since he had the heart to be a 3rd party? Am I being too harsh?
I am at my wits end of how to help? Should she give her husband another chance, remembering that she has given him umteenth chances or should she let go and move on? And if she should let go, is this new guy worth it - given that he had the heart to chase her 1 week before she was getting married? Both guys are very good to her. -
since 3rd party is unknown better run a check or get a PI to do it...
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I don't usually reply to threads as 99% of that in existence [in sgForums.com] are really ".........................................................".
Kudos to you for having taken a very mature and objective viewpoint of the situation. I understand that you find yourself in a rather precarious predicament; not being a direct party, yet holding enough influence to stack certain odds. I am also glad that you have (at least, as evident from your post) extended unconditional support for and towards your sister.
As far as my humble opinion goes, I think that ultimately it is for you to balance and weigh each guy against the other. Whether one finds superiority over the other (in your view), would be influenced by what values you (as the third party performing this balancing act) hold in higher regard, and equally, what negative traits you detest more - for example:
Weighing the positive:
BIL - long term relationship
New Guy - fresh start
Weighing the negative:
BIL - deceptive
New Guy - seemingly without morals or values (i.e. chasing before wedding)
Of course you would find that such positive/negative values tend to veto each other; above all, you should be guided by your own raw instinct, whilst taking into the account the feelings of your sister.
I would also add that long term relationships that have been broken by deception usually remain irrepairable - sometimes a fresh start is the only alternative; equally, something new may prove just as, or even worse than the preceding deception. It is for you to decide which holds greater truth.
Personally, based on my own values and beliefs, I think your sister should stay with your BIL; she could prevent any future incidences by being more careful - it will be good reason for her to monitor their finances. I must admit that I feel that your sister, BIL and the new guy have more or less resigned to a number of conclusions:
1) Your sister has more feelings (emotionally) for the new guy
2) Your BIL recognises this; so does the new guy
However, because of this new guy's sudden foray and very probably destructive entry, it sounds all too fishy for me to think him as a man of integrity and good standing worthy of your sister. Your sister probably has a little girly crush on him, and that can very possibly be attributed to the fact she is bored with your BIL - the so called "X* year itch" (*X = numerical value, some people say 2, some people say 7).
Hence, my conclusion. I do not think your BIL is that great (in fact, I think he is no bloody good); rather, I think that the NG is absolute trouble - to the extent that your BIL is much better in comparison.
Good luck! -
I disagree (partially) with some of the forumers that it is not for you to intervene.
Your sister is your family; watch out for her.
Equally, it is not for you to play such an active role (i.e. deciding for her); rather, you should be drawing her attention to the many issues which she might not have turned her mind towards - so that she may make a decision based, not only on her feelings, but on the other factors which she should be considering. -
Your sister has the option of annulling the marriage if she got married within a certain time period so it looks like a marriage never happened.
As for the other guy ....I can't say but ask your sister if she revealed her finances to him prior to everything. Some guys are out for money . -
fymk
No, my sister is not one to discuss her finances. The 3rd party does not know that she bought the condo on her own either. That is her secret and her SHAME she says and so she has not shared it with anyone outside the family. The pressure of keeping it a secret I feel has taken a toll on her.
3rd party comes from a middle income family but earns more than her and he pays for all her food expenses etc when they go out. My concern is that while he might know that my sister is definitely not rich - given that I am sure he has seen her lifestyle and fashion expenditures by now...he has seen our house and I am concerned that he might think our family wealth is within reach of my sister (which actually is not really true- my family is traditional in handing down assets to guys only).
Brutus
3rd party is not unknown. No need for PI. Worry is whether he will hurt her in the long term. In the short term, quite certain status is clean (not married) and not double-timing as well.
mhcampboy
No. Their relationship has no money issues because my sister earns enough. In fact she makes more than BIL does.
Darknesshacker
My father has asked for proof. We are waiting for the transaction records. However, BIL says he threw them all away. He says he will retrieve it from CDP or from the broking firm but he says it cost $20 for each mth statement and he closed the acct in the broking firm. He says he is still trying to retrieve them and the delay is due to staff being away for the long year end hols and will show them end of the week. My parents are very upset that he is taking so long. They feel he is deliberately dragging his feet on it. I am not sure who to believe. -
Except for courting a woman (your sister) who is about to get married, the 3rd party has not raised any doubts since he has a clean status and is not double timing. We could undermine his integrity for courting a woman who is about to get married, but honestly, with regards to affairs of the heart, one could always argue that so long as he/she is not married, he/she is still available! he might just be a guy who recognises what he wants and pursues them with much determination?Originally posted by greenribbons:fymk
No, my sister is not one to discuss her finances. The 3rd party does not know that she bought the condo on her own either. That is her secret and her SHAME she says and so she has not shared it with anyone outside the family. The pressure of keeping it a secret I feel has taken a toll on her.
3rd party comes from a middle income family but earns more than her and he pays for all her food expenses etc when they go out. My concern is that while he might know that my sister is definitely not rich - given that I am sure he has seen her lifestyle and fashion expenditures by now...he has seen our house and I am concerned that he might think our family wealth is within reach of my sister (which actually is not really true- my family is traditional in handing down assets to guys only).
Brutus
3rd party is not unknown. No need for PI. Worry is whether he will hurt her in the long term. In the short term, quite certain status is clean (not married) and not double-timing as well.
mhcampboy
No. Their relationship has no money issues because my sister earns enough. In fact she makes more than BIL does.
Darknesshacker
My father has asked for proof. We are waiting for the transaction records. However, BIL says he threw them all away. He says he will retrieve it from CDP or from the broking firm but he says it cost $20 for each mth statement and he closed the acct in the broking firm. He says he is still trying to retrieve them and the delay is due to staff being away for the long year end hols and will show them end of the week. My parents are very upset that he is taking so long. They feel he is deliberately dragging his feet on it. I am not sure who to believe.
Methink, so long as he has a good track record, why not let time do the talking? Dont over-worry for the mean time. Of course, it will never harm to be more cautious. -
U sure the guy has no STD? The way u say it make him sound very open.
Well there is nothing much u can do except to alert her to all the underlying problems. You could ask yr sister to move back to the family house. That way yr family can give her all the love and support she needed most importantly this will decrease her reliance on the guy for emotional support. -
If you're not even sure, how are you suppose to helpOriginally posted by greenribbons:fymk
No, my sister is not one to discuss her finances. The 3rd party does not know that she bought the condo on her own either. That is her secret and her SHAME she says and so she has not shared it with anyone outside the family. The pressure of keeping it a secret I feel has taken a toll on her.
3rd party comes from a middle income family but earns more than her and he pays for all her food expenses etc when they go out. My concern is that while he might know that my sister is definitely not rich - given that I am sure he has seen her lifestyle and fashion expenditures by now...he has seen our house and I am concerned that he might think our family wealth is within reach of my sister (which actually is not really true- my family is traditional in handing down assets to guys only).
Brutus
3rd party is not unknown. No need for PI. Worry is whether he will hurt her in the long term. In the short term, quite certain status is clean (not married) and not double-timing as well.
mhcampboy
No. Their relationship has no money issues because my sister earns enough. In fact she makes more than BIL does.
Darknesshacker
My father has asked for proof. We are waiting for the transaction records. However, BIL says he threw them all away. He says he will retrieve it from CDP or from the broking firm but he says it cost $20 for each mth statement and he closed the acct in the broking firm. He says he is still trying to retrieve them and the delay is due to staff being away for the long year end hols and will show them end of the week. My parents are very upset that he is taking so long. They feel he is deliberately dragging his feet on it. I am not sure who to believe.
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Originally posted by NewAge:You could ask yr sister to move back to the family house. That way yr family can give her all the love and support she needed most importantly this will decrease her reliance on the guy for emotional support. [/b]
This is the best advise I read so far.
Rally your family members for her.
Being out in the open, having that guy dating her despite her married status is very dangerous.
At least, with her back in the family fold, and if that 3rd party arent trustworthy. Its will soften the bad impacts on her.
And if the 3rd party is serious, he would be easy to spot out when she moves back with the family. A decent gentleman will always advise their loves to be stable and in a safe environment instead of taking advantage of her situation.
Emotionally, she is under stress. And is vunerable. Get your family members to welcome her back home will be a good step to helping her recover, stablise and make reasonable decisions. -
While my parents want her over all the time to overnight, my family is reluctant to welcome my sister home to stay permanently because of face issues. I do blame my parents because of their status and the friends, neighbours that are their crowd - they need to consider the family reputation. My sister is aware of this and therefore she made the choice to move out quietly without letting them know. She does not want them to worry.
When she wanted to move out, the 3rd party guy told her he wanted her to move home but my sister refused. -
greenribbons,Originally posted by greenribbons:While my parents want her over all the time to overnight, my family is reluctant to welcome my sister home to stay permanently because of face issues. I do blame my parents because of their status and the friends, neighbours that are their crowd - they need to consider the family reputation. My sister is aware of this and therefore she made the choice to move out quietly without letting them know. She does not want them to worry.
When she wanted to move out, the 3rd party guy told her he wanted her to move home but my sister refused.
Have you established contact with your sister? How much of it?
Where are the sources of these information? Your family? Or your sister?
What is the Age gap between your sister and yourself?
Do you know your BIL in a personal basis?
Cheers