pls help my family!
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Hi greenribbonsOriginally posted by greenribbons:I am on the verge of exasperation advising my sister and the situation is so sticky I do not know how to do so.
My sister got married just a month ago in Dec. Now she has moved out of her husband's home and is living on her own in a rented apartment. In addition, she is now seeing this new guy. Our parents are aware of the situation that she is seeing someone else but are not aware that she has moved out on her own. They are very concerned about my sister but they are not sure what they should ask her to do.
The Condomimium
She and BIL bought a condominium jointly just before the wedding. However the transaction was not completed until recently. 2 weeks after the wedding when he had no choice because it was time to apply for the bank loan and my sister asked why the loan amount had increased by $100+k, BIL spilled the beans on her that he had lost all the money which had been in his safekeeping in the warrants/options markets. This includes $30k given by his parents for buying the house and $50k of my sister's money which my sister had given to him for the purchase, in addition to a remaining $30k of his own money. The money was lost over the period of 2 years in which he threw in more and more cash in order to recoup back his losses. My sister loved and trusted him so much she had given the $50k to him as she did not want him to look bad in our parents eyes when they checked the transaction records, especially since we come from a well to do family while he is from an ordinary background. My parents had insisted on buying it on a % share basis and not on joint ownership which is a 50% share.
After the discovery, it was all downhill, problem after problem as not only the loan amount had to be adjusted but the bank refused to grant the loan in BIL's name as well citing bad records and litigation records. The loan had to eventually be taken fully in her name and the lodgement of the title deeds had to be changed resulting in addition stamp fees of thousands of dollars. In addition, the completion date was in jeopardy and on the day my sis left for her honeymoon, the lawyer rushed down to the airpot to get her signatures at the last minute. She was very harried and extremely stressed.
The condominium is now 100% in my sister's name and she is servicing the loan entirely on her own. While financially this is not a problem (the loan amount is very small still), emotionally, my sister remains very hurt and my mum rather disturbed about the situation. This is taking its toll on me.
The situation has hurt my sister deeply as she and BIL have a 8 year relationship. While they did split a few times over the 8 years, they decided to get married as he has always been sweet and giving to my sister and he gave his word that he is clean of shares when they got back together. My BIL was so involved in shares in university that he owed a quarter milllion bucks when he graduated and has been servicing the sum for some time. During their 8 years together, he promised not to go back to shares but each time, she found he did. Eventually after she left him and saw someone else, he asked her to come back marry him and promised he was clean of shares and had paid back everything as his Dad had struck 4D and given him some money to settle down. She went back.
My sister never expected that he would hide a secret so big for 2 whole years while they were preparing for the marriage. She also not expected that each time she asked (which was very frequently) he would tell her he was free of shares and the money was intact (even though he had withdrawn the $50k fixed deposit long before maturity. My sister told me he even assured her that he would withdraw the money and asked her not to go down to the bank on maturity day!). In addition, he would always swear that he would never touch the housing money because it was precious and for their new life.
BIL wants another chance but my sister is reluctant. He has gone from being frustrated, angry, upset to calm and giving now. Since she moved out, BIL is resigned to her no longer returning to his side and while he makes it a point to check on her daily via sms, make sure she eats and stuff, he is coping well with the situation because BIL is the sort who can take things easy (as evidenced by the fact that he was able to keep a difficult secret for 2 years and go through with the wedding even in deceit). He has accepted that my sister may never return but says he is concerned about the reliability of the 3rd party. My sister is messy and unsure what she can do now and I am not sure what I should ask her to do.
The 3rd Party
My sister knew this guy friend of hers long before a wedding but she had never been keen on him. A couple of weeks before her wedding, she met him for lunch to pass him an invite. Somehow, sparks flew and the guy courted her despite her impending marriage. My sister was clearly at fault to get caught up and go along with it. After the wedding, she found it difficult to let go. While the relationship at the point in time was not entirely that of friends, it was not to the point of sex. My sister made the decision to let go of him shortly into her marriage before she learned about the gambling problem because she felt it was not going to head anywhere. But in her darket hour she returned to the 3rd party when she broke down on the knowledge of BIL's deception. My sister is clearly at fault as well in having allowed her emotions run wild. However, the existence of the 3rd party has helped her most greatly in her most sorrowful hours.
This 3rd party is a very ordinary guy. Nothing special in my opinion. Works long hours with barely any free time due to nature of job and after work goes with friends to chill. I am concerned about his nite life habit but he has told my sis its cos he does not want to go back to the room and be alone (he is non local so lives alone and rents a simple room). I am questioning the integrity of this guy friend of hers given that he courted her despite the fact that she was getting married and asked her to walk out on the wedding. I do not know very much about him and I suspect my sister has still a lot to learn about him. I am worried for her and worried he will hurt her again in the further future should she choose a path with him.
He is taking care of her now as she moved into an apartment which is close to the apartment he lives in (my sis moved there cos its close to her workplace). In addition, their relationship has progressed beyond what it was. He wants to take care of her and eventually marry her. While I am not doubting his intentions to marry her, I am worried about the longer term, after the marriage, will there be skeletons in the closet? And will he let me sister down - perhaps find another girl given that I do not have high opinions of his integrity since he had the heart to be a 3rd party? Am I being too harsh?
I am at my wits end of how to help? Should she give her husband another chance, remembering that she has given him umteenth chances or should she let go and move on? And if she should let go, is this new guy worth it - given that he had the heart to chase her 1 week before she was getting married? Both guys are very good to her.
this is my take.
The moment your sister has made a decision to leave your BIL, she has to say goodbye to him forever. The problems started when they got married. That's the main source of the problems, the way I see it. And why is she seeing this new guy when she is married?
In fact, my advice is to leave both guys.
And can you ask your sis one thing? does she love the husband or the new guy? I hope she gives an honest answer. I don't think she loves the new guy. I don't think sparks just suddenly occur.
doko -
I think sparks do just occur, that is why they are called sparksOriginally posted by dokono:Hi greenribbons
this is my take.
The moment your sister has made a decision to leave your BIL, she has to say goodbye to him forever. The problems started when they got married. That's the main source of the problems, the way I see it. And why is she seeing this new guy when she is married?
In fact, my advice is to leave both guys.
And can you ask your sis one thing? does she love the husband or the new guy? I hope she gives an honest answer. I don't think she loves the new guy. I don't think sparks just suddenly occur.
doko
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Hmm...Originally posted by M©+square:greenribbons,
Have you established contact with your sister? How much of it?
Where are the sources of these information? Your family? Or your sister?
What is the Age gap between your sister and yourself?
Do you know your BIL in a personal basis?
Cheers -
they do occur but they are really rare. more like the guy wants the sparks to occur.Originally posted by blu_sky:I think sparks do just occur, that is why they are called sparks
doko -
With regards to BIL
I can only say good riddance. Honestly, a person who cannot stop 'investing' isn't INVESTING, he is gambling. And he is 'addicted' to the 'quick rich' feeling that shares would give.. and if he can't give up over the 8 years, and he didnt give up after a 2nd, 4d, 4th chance, and he didn't give up when they were about to get married - he doesn't deserve any more chances. He has a very serious problem which I dont think he is taking seriously!
And nobody will ever be happy with a person who is a gambler because a gambler WILL take risks and stake anything... simply because he believes, there MIGHT be a lucky break for him. (I can't be that SUAY THIS time around right?) There will never be stability and never be trust.
With regards to 3rd party
I think once someone decide on taking on a relationship, especially if the someone is an adult - then I think the possibility of rejection is part of the game. Unless the guy is dubious in the sense that he has multiple partners, have some serious STD (married men give their wives that anyway), there is nothing that says he wont give ur sister the love she deserves.
I think... you have to support her decision to leave your BIL.. and keep the 2 issues separate. This way she understands that you are on her side, and that you truly wish that she be wary starting a new relationship so hastily (and has nothing to do with this untrustworthy BIL), and just keep an open mind so at least she knows she has someone who won't judge her to confide in. -
First guy is very bad.
2nd guy is a suspect tho. Can slowly unravel him. -
First of all,
your sister doesnt sound like the kinda woman who knows what to do.
first of all, if your bf or spouse has money/gambling issues, a woman should take things into her own hands to make sure that things can actually change,
sometimes we can trust the person, but there are times that if the person breaks our trust over and over again, its time for us women to actually take things into our hands and ensure that the relationship and issues work out the right way.
now that the relationship has gone this far to break up after just 1 month of marriage like that. its time for you to question her on what she wants to do.
she could get the marriage annuled ( which i would advice since it was a mistake to marry such a man in the first place, she could fight for the case )
its not advicable for her to stay too long in a broken marriage.
namely this can be becasue since she is seeing someone, if they decide to do a divorce, the husband can accuse her of infedility and thus take a bigger share of the settlement.
so you should seriously ask her to consider what does she want to do with her life.
go back to her husband and give him a chance as she tries to take control this time and set things right.
or go thru with the annulment/divorce and go with the 3rd party.
about the 3rd party, hes a risky thing, she should seriously know him better before making any decisions and keep an eye on him.
a man who jumps onto a woman who is about to get married gotta be out of his mind, UNLESS both people have known each other very well for a long time and thus seeing her get married would have woken him up and made him realise he wanted her.
but with your sister and him, i doubt its the case.
like other forumers have said, the guy might just be using your sister on her times of weakness -
Hi TS,
I agree with Doko very much.
Leave both guys.
BIL is not trustworthy as he can marry your sister even in deceit of some critical issues.
The 3rd party fully knowing she's getting married still got involved with your sister. At the same time now she's married and he still has not drawn a clean line between them to stay as friends. Therefore with this level of integrity, how much security can he offer your sister? He may even have a bigger secret than BIL hidden from your sister.
Even though married is a sacred bond, but if the husband cheats on his wife on such a critical issue, has he kept his side of the bond in the first place? You sure he never got involved in another woman also?
Your sister have to wake up. On the other hand, your family should put down the worthless pride and make way for love and welcome your sister back. If the 3rd party want your sister's hand in marriage, he should go through your parents too. But what I feel is that the 3rd party also has integrity problem and it's an even greater risk to let your sister marry him. -
Have you considered moving in with your sister?Originally posted by greenribbons:Yes, my sister and I are very close because we are identical twins. We used to do everything together until she got married and moved out.
Info are all from my sister.
Er, a few minutes - we are twins? I am the older sis.
Yes and no. He was often at our home for a number of yrs before the wedding. -
siao liao..i think ur sister n her husband blown off liao....
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First, my opinion is for your sister to leave your BIL for good.
Secondly, it may seem to all the problem is your BIL. But I think the problem is your sister. She never learns from her mistakes.
Tell your sister:
- Every mistake is an opportunity to improve and grow. It's never too late to change.
Else *touchwood* the second man is going to turn out to be the same as your BIL.
Sorry if this offend you or your sister. When problems happen, many people tend to think the problems lie with the other party. But usually, the problems is the person himself/herself. Your sis need to sit down and ask herself frankly why she is attracting the wrong people. -
Originally posted by greenribbons:I am on the verge of exasperation advising my sister and the situation is so sticky I do not know how to do so... (edited... too long)
My sister never expected that he would hide a secret so big for 2 whole years while they were preparing for the marriage. She also not expected that each time she asked (which was very frequently) he would tell her he was free of shares and the money was intact (even though he had withdrawn the $50k fixed deposit long before maturity. My sister told me he even assured her that he would withdraw the money and asked her not to go down to the bank on maturity day!). In addition, he would always swear that he would never touch the housing money because it was precious and for their new life.
BIL wants another chance but my sister is reluctant. He has gone from being frustrated, angry, upset to calm and giving now. Since she moved out, BIL is resigned to her no longer returning to his side and while he makes it a point to check on her daily via sms, make sure she eats and stuff, he is coping well with the situation because BIL is the sort who can take things easy (as evidenced by the fact that he was able to keep a difficult secret for 2 years and go through with the wedding even in deceit). He has accepted that my sister may never return but says he is concerned about the reliability of the 3rd party. My sister is messy and unsure what she can do now and I am not sure what I should ask her to do.
The 3rd Party
My sister knew this guy friend of hers long before a wedding but she had never been keen on him. A couple of weeks before her wedding, she met him for lunch to pass him an invite. Somehow, sparks flew and the guy courted her despite her impending marriage. My sister was clearly at fault to get caught up and go along with it. After the wedding, she found it difficult to let go. While the relationship at the point in time was not entirely that of friends, it was not to the point of sex. My sister made the decision to let go of him shortly into her marriage before she learned about the gambling problem because she felt it was not going to head anywhere. But in her darket hour she returned to the 3rd party when she broke down on the knowledge of BIL's deception. My sister is clearly at fault as well in having allowed her emotions run wild. However, the existence of the 3rd party has helped her most greatly in her most sorrowful hours.
This 3rd party is a very ordinary guy. Nothing special in my opinion. Works long hours with barely any free time due to nature of job and after work goes with friends to chill. I am concerned about his nite life habit but he has told my sis its cos he does not want to go back to the room and be alone (he is non local so lives alone and rents a simple room). I am questioning the integrity of this guy friend of hers given that he courted her despite the fact that she was getting married and asked her to walk out on the wedding. I do not know very much about him and I suspect my sister has still a lot to learn about him. I am worried for her and worried he will hurt her again in the further future should she choose a path with him.
He is taking care of her now as she moved into an apartment which is close to the apartment he lives in (my sis moved there cos its close to her workplace). In addition, their relationship has progressed beyond what it was. He wants to take care of her and eventually marry her. While I am not doubting his intentions to marry her, I am worried about the longer term, after the marriage, will there be skeletons in the closet? And will he let me sister down - perhaps find another girl given that I do not have high opinions of his integrity since he had the heart to be a 3rd party? Am I being too harsh?
I am at my wits end of how to help? Should she give her husband another chance, remembering that she has given him umteenth chances or should she let go and move on? And if she should let go, is this new guy worth it - given that he had the heart to chase her 1 week before she was getting married? Both guys are very good to her.
We ought to remember that ultimately, she is already married to BIL; therefore, a break up shouldn't be taken as lightly as it could have been in the case of a BGR.
Let's re-examine this entire case in a more objective manner: your sister is affected by his share-playing habits, which is actually a subtle form of gambling in some sense. The trust is indeed badly devastated through his reckless action, which I must admit that it would have been a huge blow to her.
But knowing his kind of personality, entrusting a large sum of money for safe keeping on his side is indeed foolish. Perhaps, too much 'face' issues or ego is at work here, which acts as a catalysis for greater problems.
She would have invited more problems if she actually considered the other man as a potential candidate. A simple break down of her conundrum would have revealed that this man merely fill the emotional cracks that hits her badly at this moment of unstable time. Would you actually think that this man has any chance at all if BIL didn't gamble the cash away in stock market and create such a 'huge chasm' that separate his wife away from him?
Her man did her wrong with deception, but to accept another man as a replacement? If she has done that, years down the road, she might have regretted her decision to accept this new guy EVEN if she didn't regret leaving BIL. I am suggesting that although this man could be a nice guy - but the timing and situation for his appearance is indeed awkward. Pursuing it blindly will likely to bring about further complication, because it began on a wrong footing. One must understand that two wrong doesn't make a right - wrong decision that is.
My suggestion is to FIRST handle BIL: that BIL needs serious counseling and a stronger desire to evolve. It doesn't seem to me that he's remorseful and I think there's lots of maturity and learning needed for him to grow. He needs counseling to resolve his shares-gamble/investment and another one for marriage - to understand the element of responsibility.
I suggest you speak to him, as a third party, to understand his current mindset and how did he felt/thought of this entire saga. Try to understand the reason behind his robust attitude towards playing the share market and what caused the greater lost. There may be a chance that he may need external help to resolve this possible 'addiction', if it is so overwhelming. And if that could truly resolve this matter, he could still be saved... in that sense.
Secondly, I do not encourage her to move out alone, while drawing emotional support from the new guy. I agree with the post by Newage, about moving back home, but if that's simply not possible, another way is to move into a trusted friend's house instead of a rented apartment.
The reason is to prevent isolation - that's one trigger technique in AOS.
This crisis depends alot about BIL - if he's going to resign to fate and act as if he could do nothing, I think your sister is probably better of without him. The first few qualities a man should learn in adulthood is responsibility. If he is always evading them, what good would a marriage turn out for a man devoid of any sense of responsibility bestowed onto him? With responsibility comes humility and later... maturity.
But regardless of how BIL is faring, the new guy shouldn't be a consideration for a potential in BGR because he's but a substitute. Minimize his presence if she feels that she can't handle him too long - always wait until clarity returns before she decide a drastic change of route. Not wise to strike out when the fogs are thick.
Cheers -
oh yah is the marriage annual? If not ask yr sis the consult a lawyer to get it over with asap since i feel that yr sis heart had died for Bil. Please note legal issues are always complicated esp if Bil dun wants to let go?
I am not sure about the other guy as i do not know him. If i were u i will assume him to be a bad guy and let him gradually win me over. This way u will be cautious of him.
Well i think no one will agreed with letting yr sister living with that guy. The condo is hers chase the guy out and you could move in with her for the time being. If the suggestion seem not feasible why not follow Yun suggestion and move her to her best friends house or something. Underline, dun let her overelied on the guy for emotional support, especially at this moment which is her weakest point!!!!!!!!!
NewAge -
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Gosh. I feel your sister's pain.
In my point of view?
Divorce BIL. Say bye to him for good.
As for that second guy, only time will tell. Ask your sis to tread cautiously. Dun invest too much emotions into this second relationship when she's on the rebound (perhaps even without herself realizing). Date more. When she's ready of course. Get expose to different guys out there so that she'll have a feel of who is really treating her well. If second guy is no good, she still can turn to other guys for friendship.
Time is a good measurement of how a person would treat someone. Esp. when the other party thinks everything shd be in autogear. That's when his true colours would start to emerge and perhaps the disparity in character becomes obvious or the "special" treatment cease.
Works for me
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Originally posted by greenribbons:
All these seems so familiar. I've went thru similar circumstances before...
Dokono
I don't think my sister knows anymore who she really loves. In fact she just asked me what is love? I don't like to press because when we talk about BIL her tears flow endlessly. The other guy makes her smile through the hurt but I don't think the hurt is gone, its just covered. Besides, its too soon for her to judge him although she has expressed some reservation about his temperament. I guess its easy to say to leave but if you were in the situation, doing it is never that easy...
Vindictiv3
Its not entirely fair to imply that my sister is weak and reliant on her man and the sort of woman who does not know what to do. In all outward respects, my sister is a working professional with a demure gentle demeanor. She did take things into her own hands. Before the marriage she asked BIL constantly if he was dabbling in shares again but each time, he asked her how could he given that he was putting almost all his salary into their joint acct monthly? She checked the joint acct monthly for movements BUT she never suspected that he would go so far as to prematurely withdraw money set aside for the house in fixed deposits and to play margin instead??? How could she have suspected when all his salary was with her in the joint acct?
BIL has given her her word he will not contest any decision. Anyway there is no marital asset to begin with and no contribution to the marriage because she moved out after the honeymoon. So there is nothing BIL can sue for and since BIL has nothing, there is nothing my sister can ask for either. My sister has considered annulment but she is clueless about what are the chances of obtaining it? She has seen the conditions but is unsure if this situation is a good enough reason?
Out of his mind? Maybe....My sister has shared that the 3rd party is very quiet, serious, still water runs deep person, boring, with a gentle and plodding personality. However my unease stems from her comments also that he is rash and when upset, his temper and force has made her fear him somewhat.
MS
BIL definitely has not been seeing another woman. My sister is his life. Besides my BIL is not interested in women at all - when he was younger and used to drink with friends in pubs, he never gave any additional look to any girls. He is only interested in money, and in shares warrants derivatives and what-nots.
Mc Square
No, to move out of our home is taboo. My family is concerned with status and face. My parents will never allow me to move until I am married off as well.
Yunhaier
My sister began having good feelings about the 3rd party just a couple of weeks before her marriage before she knew about BIL's gambling. Her initial good feelings were based on how strikingly similar in demeanor and behavior outwardly the 3rd party was to BIL. However, knowing her she would not have given up her marriage for him.
As for BIL's motivations, he says he really dont know how to explain why he have done that.....
New Age
BIL is not living in the condo. The condo is rented out at the moment and my sister is collecting the monthly rent. Sister is also not living with the 3rd party. 3rd party chose to rent a place close to where sister is renting so he can watch over her.
As for the second guy and his temperament???
Yesterday, I just had someone blew his top at me. It was freaky. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.
My advice to your sis : Take her time to work thru her feelings while still hv some company at the same time. Date more. Get expose to more and dif guys. She'll then see the difference and start to know what she wants (hopefully).
It took me more than half a year to break out of my shell. Prior to that I was watching movies alone.
If she's currently not attached emotionally, she's free to see anyone as friends for a start. Why not? -
Originally posted by dokono:they do occur but they are really rare. more like the guy wants the sparks to occur.
doko
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Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Penny for thoughts. A little too early for that 'conclusion'? We ought to remember that ultimately, she is already married to BIL; therefore, a break up shouldn't be taken as lightly as it could have been in the case of a BGR.
Let's re-examine this entire case in a more objective manner: your sister is affected by his share-playing habits, which is actually a subtle form of gambling in some sense. The trust is indeed badly devastated through his reckless action, which I must admit that it would have been a huge blow to her.
But knowing his kind of personality, entrusting a large sum of money for safe keeping on his side is indeed foolish. Perhaps, too much 'face' issues or ego is at work here, which acts as a catalysis for greater problems.
She would have invited more problems if she actually considered the other man as a potential candidate. A simple break down of her conundrum would have revealed that this man merely fill the emotional cracks that hits her badly at this moment of unstable time. [b]Would you actually think that this man has any chance at all if BIL didn't gamble the cash away in stock market and create such a 'huge chasm' that separate his wife away from him?
Her man did her wrong with deception, but to accept another man as a replacement? If she has done that, years down the road, she might have regretted her decision to accept this new guy EVEN if she didn't regret leaving BIL. I am suggesting that although this man could be a nice guy - but the timing and situation for his appearance is indeed awkward. Pursuing it blindly will likely to bring about further complication, because it began on a wrong footing. One must understand that two wrong doesn't make a right - wrong decision that is.
My suggestion is to FIRST handle BIL: that BIL needs serious counseling and a stronger desire to evolve. It doesn't seem to me that he's remorseful and I think there's lots of maturity and learning needed for him to grow. He needs counseling to resolve his shares-gamble/investment and another one for marriage - to understand the element of responsibility.
I suggest you speak to him, as a third party, to understand his current mindset and how did he felt/thought of this entire saga. Try to understand the reason behind his robust attitude towards playing the share market and what caused the greater lost. There may be a chance that he may need external help to resolve this possible 'addiction', if it is so overwhelming. And if that could truly resolve this matter, he could still be saved... in that sense.
Secondly, I do not encourage her to move out alone, while drawing emotional support from the new guy. I agree with the post by Newage, about moving back home, but if that's simply not possible, another way is to move into a trusted friend's house instead of a rented apartment.
The reason is to prevent isolation - that's one trigger technique in AOS.
This crisis depends alot about BIL - if he's going to resign to fate and act as if he could do nothing, I think your sister is probably better of without him. The first few qualities a man should learn in adulthood is responsibility. If he is always evading them, what good would a marriage turn out for a man devoid of any sense of responsibility bestowed onto him? With responsibility comes humility and later... maturity.
But regardless of how BIL is faring, the new guy shouldn't be a consideration for a potential in BGR because he's but a substitute. Minimize his presence if she feels that she can't handle him too long - always wait until clarity returns before she decide a drastic change of route. Not wise to strike out when the fogs are thick.
Cheers [/b] -
I totally agree.Originally posted by Devil1976:Penny for thoughts. A little too early for that 'conclusion'? -
the guy is willing to move and live near yr sis to look after her this shows that he care for yr sister but the reason for him doing so is dubious. Cautious.
But why as her sis u have not considered moving in with yr sis and yr family does not like her moving back. -
I think your BIL should be given another chance. He uses the money to dabble in shares is wrong. However, I think he had in mind is to make more money so your side will not look down on him and on the other tots to provide a more comfortable life for your sis.
The other guy, better stir clear. Family breaker and taking advantage of others when down.. Anyway, this kind of person will likely prey on another woman again if chances given, ask your sis to steer clear.
Good luck -
Annulment is difficult to get unless it is on the grounds on non-consumation and the other party does not challenge it.Originally posted by fymk:Your sister has the option of annulling the marriage if she got married within a certain time period so it looks like a marriage never happened.
As for the other guy ....I can't say but ask your sister if she revealed her finances to him prior to everything. Some guys are out for money .
Upon divorce, which is unlikely to be granted for another few years, the guy gets half the property even though she purchased it. It's the same rule in the case of a divorce involving a housewife...the wife gets half the estate even if she never contributed a cent to the family's finances. -
Oxford
You are definitely not a lawyer. The house is not a matrimonial asset since it is not bought in both names. The guy will have no claim on it. Your assessment only applies if it is the case where the house is jointly owned.
Niceguy
Are you stupid? Sorry but I am really pissed by your post now. Wtf is this? You mean if someone go become a burglar, sell drugs to give you a comfortable life? then you should accept?
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Hi GreenRibbons,
It is sad to hear the plight of ur sisters. I am also a twin and have twin brother and I know how very much it feels to want to help ur twin part. My twin brother had also some difficult times and a depression period, I constantly wanted to help him wake up. Sad to say, my words were too harsh for him to accept and our very close relationship deteriorated esp when both of us now has our own family. I didn't cared much about what I said then because all I wanted was for him to stand up like a man as soon as possible. Luckily he managed to step out of it after abt 1-2yrs but our relationship, though still ok, is far from the closeness that we had before. Do thread carefully in whatever ur advise because I don't want u to loose a good sister.
As for ur sister's situation, my opinion is
ur BIL is a quite a hopeless case. They say history speaks for itself and that a leapord never changes it's spot. My life experiences and understanding of human is that these are very true statement. I am quite certain that it would take more than ur sister leaving ur BIL for him to change. U must understand a person does not change his character overnight. He can temporarily show remorse for some time but the character of a person will always bring back his true self. I say this because we can understand our problem but often does not have the will to change.
The fact that he has NOT shown his brokerage transaction also shows he is big bullshit. I would challenge him to go down to Singapore Stock Exchange to reopen his CDP account and check his records by getting current and past year statements! Any reply is very likely to just show his true colors. The worst truth is that he could really have simply taken ur sisters money.
Ur sister surely can have better future without such a guy.
Understand that money is a root of many problems and family closeness can bring lots of happiness. My wife and I choose to live simply way beyond our means (4 room HDB instead of exec condo) and derive lots of happiness from it. Because we live simple, there is little for us to worry and we get by without problems. By living near my parents, I also shared lots of joy and woes with my parents.
What I want to say is it is important that ur sister stays with the family to gain back her confidence and find back herself. Family is often the best place for us to share our pains and happiness, ups and downs. Respected or not, ur sister is surely more important. As a parent, I would certainly put reputation aside.
As for the 3rd party, from the way u say. It also just don't feel right and surely ur sister staying with the 3rd party is not right. I would understand that she is surely finding comfort with this 3rd party but it's just gonna make things more complicated.
If u solve problems, tackle one at a time and bringing another party in going to complicate things. Bring back calmness to ur sister and she will see things clearly especially with the aid of many wise words from u and other loved ones.
cheers