how could she? this so heartless~
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100th!!
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no, the trust broke not due to another third party. but the bond was strong and relationship was stable. guess i was too rational.Originally posted by dokono:He betrayed your trust? Good that you left him, otherwise I will flame you for not leaving him.
Again, this boils down to another third party. He betrayed your trust and so fast, you stopped loving him? The bond is so weak? Maybe your love for him is not that much after all to begin with?
doko -
Like Smudgey pointed out, every relationship is different, problems faced could be different too.Originally posted by dokono:So you are saying you don't see yourself marrying him that's why you choose to end it? why? Don't love him? Maybe you loved him but he's not rich/stable enough for marriage? Treat you badly? What determines what feels right? I still have not been getting solid and specific answers from you from a female perspective. Or could it be you don't know what you want?
one of the specific reasons why relationships cant work anymore could be incompatibility like what i have illustrated in your thread. For easy reference, i've copied as below.:
Like... lets quote the simplest eg.
i've got a couple friend, the lady is an early bird. she likes to wake up early and sleep early. her daily routine is: after work, whe reaches home at 7pm watch tv and sleeps at 10pm.
but her bf is a nocturnal. likes night. he likes to work and likes to work late. everyday he will not knock off untill 9 plus.
you think they will work?
the answer is, they tried. they were together for 5 years. countless quarrels and fights. but how to compromise? the lady can barely open her eyes after 10pm, but the guy can only see her after 10pm.
oh weekends, he is a workaholic, loves to work. so weekend oso dedicated to work.
This is an example of lifestyle incompatibility. -
Hey dude, life's harsh. But its okay, because its her loss to have dumped you. Who the hell does she think she is man? Join us on V-day for our outing, meet other girls
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The letter "n" ran away!!!Originally posted by smudgey:By the way Bontaku, in my point of view, when anyone enters a relationship, it's always a form of gamble.... you'll never know the other person well enough, and even if you think you do, ppl change.
hence there are times, at certain point of the relationship, you stop and ask yourself, would you be able to live the rest of your life with this person? if the answer is no.... you can't just hold on hoping things will change, cos if they dont aren't you wasting both of your time....
Ok, crap aside.
Let me ask you: Before you go into a relationship with someone, are you friends with him? Isn't being friends alone a gamble itself? You never know when he changed, but that do not stop you from trying to carry on the relationship with him as friends right?
Ok, maybe what I have viewed the ideal relationship between a couple as... too idealistic. Bear in mind though what is your initial purpose for entering the relationship for. Is it just to have a mate? Or you looking forward to marriage and beyond? Or is it to show off?
Going into the relationship of bgr is nice, fun, exciting, etc, etc. This is what its supposed to be: to fill your life with joy and happiness, much like friendship. It is the purpose of what you are looking for in the relationship that "determines" the nature of the relationship. If you are looking for fun and enjoyment, well... just jump into the love wagon! If you are looking for a communion with a life time partner, this goes deeper. You are looking for a special one to share your life with you. Not any Tom, Dick or Harry (sorry for using the names here) to just keep you company.
If you just want to have a relationship just for the sake of having one, you know what to expect and how it will turn out. Break ups and such. This do not really require knowing the person very well because its a hassle and you want to have fun!
If you go into a relationship with the notion of looking for the special one, you WILL spend time to know the person first before investing and devoting your love into the relationship. This is a lifetime insurance policy, and I don't think you are willing to make a high risk on this one right?
Everytime you put the "doko" siggy, I have the itching tendancy to put "Doko Ja Nei~~~!?"Originally posted by dokono:Bonta
What do you mean "taken the wrong road"? Can you be more specific?
Why the tissue is a stop-gap measure? So if their love for each other is unconditional, I believe the air-con can be repaired. Unless there is not much love to begin with?
My point for mentioning this "needs not neglected" for girls is because the guy is always portrayed the bad guy which is not necessarily the case nor is it the girl. Not saying it's her fault or his fault, but to look at the whole picture fairer for both sexes. Yes, it's one of the reasons but not the main reason, I believe.
Your point on unconditional love. I believe it's all in the mindset on both sides. Love is supposed to be kind, understanding, patient, bla bla. The problem is in real life, everyone is acting on self-interests. So I expect you to care for me and you expect me to care for you haha. In the end, there's resentment for both sides.
You must understand the party well enough to get into a relationship. Question is, how long do you need to understand? Sometimes you go into a relationship with a girl for 10 years, you want to marry her, suddenly she says "hey let's split." You are so shocked! Nothing is ever guaranteed.
The point is, how do you know the relationship will not last when you don't try? But that is not to say you don't rush into it. Just take things slowly.
Peace bontakun
doko
"Where are you going!?"
Ok paiseh.
You know the "guys not bad, girls don't love"? or "wild gals are a guy's fantasy" (Ok I made that up. )? Such people interest you and I because they are fun to be with, unpredictable, wild and great company. One thing with many of these people: They just want to have fun and have no intention of going DEEP into the relationship. So its most likely a mis-match to begin with if you have don't just want to have fun, but want more.
You are not going to use the tissue to gag the area where water is dripping right? Soon it can't soak more than its capable of and water will drip.
You cannot expect her to care for you and she cannot expect you to do otherwise. That is not fair to either of you. It should and must come WILLINGLY from both of you. That is the amazing power of unconditional love. You don't expect something yet the person gave you that. Isn't that more precious than the person give the present to you because you expected it?
Understanding the person well enough... Honestly, I do NOT know "how well" is enough. It is up to you to decide that. "Ok, I've known her for 3 years. I know quite alot about her habits and behaviour. Now I should decide whether to bring it forward to the next level or carry on knowing her more." As Smudgey has said, "its a gamble" BUT you lower the risk by knowing and understanding more about her as she to you and you decide on every "checkpoints" such as this. While you are single and getting to know her more, you are also making yourself available to other people. This way, you are not exactly wasting time right?
Do note, while you are choosing and deciding, others are also choosing and deciding.
Initially I thought you would say, "Please stick to the topic" or something similar...Originally posted by M©+square:Good discussion going on, keep it up.
Hope to see more forumers participating and provide their viewpoints as well.
Cheers
You win.........Originally posted by blu_sky:100th!! -
in my opinion, it is still within the topic .Originally posted by Bontakun:Initially I thought you would say, "Please stick to the topic" or something similar...
It is good to see open and lengthy post. Discussion with certain length have clarity and hence avoid misunderstandings in text by reader.
Moreover, it is good to see how people from another corner of Sg thinks and these thoughts are precious because these are experiences or viewpoints worth exploring?
Cheers -
Well... at least you never said, "Pls summarise it in 10 words or less..."Originally posted by M©+square:in my opinion, it is still within the topic .
It is good to see open and lengthy post. Discussion with certain length have clarity and hence avoid misunderstandings in text by reader.
Moreover, it is good to see how people from another corner of Sg thinks and these thoughts are precious because these are experiences or viewpoints worth exploring?
Cheers
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I don't remember ever saying that.Originally posted by Bontakun:Well... at least you never said, "Pls summarise it in 10 words or less..." -
No I don't recall too.Originally posted by M©+square:I don't remember ever saying that.
Incompaitability. There are two things I can suggest to help fan the fog abit here:Originally posted by blu_sky:Like Smudgey pointed out, every relationship is different, problems faced could be different too.
one of the specific reasons why relationships cant work anymore could be incompatibility like what i have illustrated in your thread. you think they will work?
1. Identifying the incompaitability firsthand before entering into the relationship will save alot of time, hassle and pain.
2. If the love is strong and the commitment is great, both side should discuss how this could be worked out. No one side is to expect the other to change. This is to be done willingly because of the potential in the relationship and the sacrifice made. If one side is unwilling or unable to change, maybe a time break is needed to sort things out between them. -
On the issue incompatibility, then allow me to ask you: why people of different religions, races and creed still get together to procreate? They don't have love. I doubt so. They have differences. Definitely a lot. Why can they still get together? We have a lot of examples in this country.Originally posted by Bontakun:Incompaitability. There are two things I can suggest to help fan the fog abit here:
1. Identifying the incompaitability firsthand before entering into the relationship will save alot of time, hassle and pain.
2. If the love is strong and the commitment is great, both side should discuss how this could be worked out. No one side is to expect the other to change. This is to be done willingly because of the potential in the relationship and the sacrifice made. If one side is unwilling or unable to change, maybe a time break is needed to sort things out between them.
My point is, if people want to get together, they can if they want to. When the love/desire has faded, they will think up of many reasons/excuses and explain to outsiders why it cannot work, when in fact, it can actually work, as it has in many examples we have seen.
doko -
Commitment. That is all I can offer to you question at the moment. I have nothing else as of yet.Originally posted by dokono:On the issue incompatibility, then allow me to ask you: why people of different religions, races and creed still get together to procreate? They don't have love. I doubt so. They have differences. Definitely a lot. Why can they still get together? We have a lot of examples in this country.
My point is, if people want to get together, they can if they want to. When the love/desire has faded, they will think up of many reasons/excuses and explain to outsiders why it cannot work, when in fact, it can actually work, as it has in many examples we have seen.
doko -
If it's commitment, why do they commit? haha..Bonta...critical thinking... They are willing to make the relationship work, despite the setbacks. I feel, they have a combination of love, correct attitude and a long-term plan for the future.Originally posted by Bontakun:Commitment. That is all I can offer to you question at the moment. I have nothing else as of yet.
doko -
You catch the drift.Originally posted by dokono:If it's commitment, why do they commit? haha..Bonta...critical thinking... They are willing to make the relationship work, despite the setbacks. I feel, they have a combination of love, correct attitude and a long-term plan for the future.
doko -
so if it's not due to 3rd party, what is it due to?Originally posted by blu_sky:no, the trust broke not due to another third party. but the bond was strong and relationship was stable. guess i was too rational.
rational? yeah. very. This is what I noticed. When women dump their guys, they are very much tougher than guys who dump their girlfriends.
doko -
Originally posted by dokono:so if it's not due to 3rd party, what is it due to? ---> trust is required in many aspects of a relationship, not just fidelity, you know?
rational? yeah. very. This is what I noticed. When women dump their guys, they are very much tougher than guys who dump their girlfriends. ---> that goes for guys too.
doko -
sometimes differences are so fundamental, that such drastic changes are required that one may no longer become himself. have you considered that?Originally posted by Bontakun:Incompaitability. There are two things I can suggest to help fan the fog abit here:
1. Identifying the incompaitability firsthand before entering into the relationship will save alot of time, hassle and pain.
2. If the love is strong and the commitment is great, both side should discuss how this could be worked out. No one side is to expect the other to change. This is to be done willingly because of the potential in the relationship and the sacrifice made. If one side is unwilling or unable to change, maybe a time break is needed to sort things out between them. -
I guess gers can only be rational when her attraction level for him fell to 0~Originally posted by blu_sky:no, the trust broke not due to another third party. but the bond was strong and relationship was stable. guess i was too rational.
relationship was stable or stale u meant? -
Yah I know not just infedelity but what are the rest? What else? Can you be more clear leh?Originally posted by blu_sky:so if it's not due to 3rd party, what is it due to? ---> trust is required in many aspects of a relationship, not just fidelity, you know?
rational? yeah. very. This is what I noticed. When women dump their guys, they are very much tougher than guys who dump their girlfriends. ---> that goes for guys too.
No seriously, women as a whole are very firm when it comes to dumping their boyfriend
doko -
Originally posted by sunny6110:I guess gers can only be rational when her attraction level for him fell to 0~
relationship was stable or stale u meant? 
Very interesting post. -
100%Originally posted by sunny6110:I guess gers can only be rational when her attraction level for him fell to 0~
relationship was stable or stale u meant?
doko -
Am I right to say that the person you once loved is no longer the person he used to be that's why the break up?Originally posted by blu_sky:sometimes differences are so fundamental, that such drastic changes are required that one may no longer become himself. have you considered that?
doko -
It might also be -Originally posted by dokono:Am I right to say that the person you once loved is no longer the person he used to be that's why the break up?
doko
the person you once loved is no longer the person he used to be. Because you changed. That's why the break up...
Cheers -
Considering this: even so, are you willing to accept the change? Or are you going to let it go?Originally posted by blu_sky:sometimes differences are so fundamental, that such drastic changes are required that one may no longer become himself. have you considered that? -
Hi BontakunOriginally posted by Bontakun:Let me ask you: Before you go into a relationship with someone, are you friends with him? Isn't being friends alone a gamble itself? You never know when he changed, but that do not stop you from trying to carry on the relationship with him as friends right?
Ok, maybe what I have viewed the ideal relationship between a couple as... too idealistic. Bear in mind though what is your initial purpose for entering the relationship for. Is it just to have a mate? Or you looking forward to marriage and beyond? Or is it to show off?
Going into the relationship of bgr is nice, fun, exciting, etc, etc. This is what its supposed to be: to fill your life with joy and happiness, much like friendship. It is the purpose of what you are looking for in the relationship that "determines" the nature of the relationship. If you are looking for fun and enjoyment, well... just jump into the love wagon! If you are looking for a communion with a life time partner, this goes deeper. You are looking for a special one to share your life with you. Not any Tom, Dick or Harry (sorry for using the names here) to just keep you company.
If you just want to have a relationship just for the sake of having one, you know what to expect and how it will turn out. Break ups and such. This do not really require knowing the person very well because its a hassle and you want to have fun!
If you go into a relationship with the notion of looking for the special one, you WILL spend time to know the person first before investing and devoting your love into the relationship. This is a lifetime insurance policy, and I don't think you are willing to make a high risk on this one right?
the n ran home......
anyways,
I agree that a lot depends on the initial purpose for getting into the relationship.... and I also agree that when you go into a relationship with a notion of looking for THE one, you will spend time to get to know him better first.
With friends, like-wise it's a gamble... with lower stakes.
With friends, we are more torlerant... we are more willing to forgo their "crap"
for example...
what's the diff between your friend being two hours late, and your partner being two hours late? who are you more pissed at?
If you are waiting for your friend/partner for 2 hours..... a sudden sms is recieved to say that he/she have met up some friends and won't be meeting you... who are you more irritated at?
with friends, we do not expect too much. but with partners, there will always be a certain level of expectation.
when you see a friend spending too much money.... you caution him, he doesn't listen. what can you do? and you let it go eventually....
but if that friend is your partner, you'll feel more irritation?
hmmmm.... am i making any sense??? had a bad night last night... brain not functioning like norm. -
hmmm...Originally posted by dokono:On the issue incompatibility, then allow me to ask you: why people of different religions, races and creed still get together to procreate? They don't have love. I doubt so. They have differences. Definitely a lot. Why can they still get together? We have a lot of examples in this country.
My point is, if people want to get together, they can if they want to. When the love/desire has faded, they will think up of many reasons/excuses and explain to outsiders why it cannot work, when in fact, it can actually work, as it has in many examples we have seen.
doko
doko, your pt "if people want to get together, they can if they want to" is very true....
look at our grandparent's era, our great grandparent's era, where marriage partners were chosen by their parents..... where some only first set eyes on their partners on their wedding day...
most of them made it work. they stayed together all their lives.... but are they truely happy? maybe..... maybe not...
They made it work because they had no choice. they were taught not to expect passion, love, etc.
but ppl in our generation, we expect that. we expect our love to be strong, passionate, and the I-want-no-one-else-but-you love. IS that wrong?
no.
your examples on couples from diff backgrounds, religion, race, etc... well they probably have that. and when you have that, when you are certain that this is the man/woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with, most (not all) differences can be worked through.
so what is the key??? the key is the love. if the love is deep enough, strong enough, most are willing to go through all sorts of trouble, difficulties, etc to stay together.
incompatability, that is a prob when something that both parties cannot/unwilling to compromise on. why? maybe because the love is not strong enough...