Love has no reason?
-
Two Words - Silly and NaiveOriginally posted by browniebaobao:it's really nothing to some ple..
i have a fren whose bf is more than 30 yrs older than her. -
sorry ar, actually wanted to stick to topic de..Originally posted by M©+square:At least 6 pages of chit chatting....
People control yourselves? I don't mind if someone opens a thread for chatting?
Kuri may find it hard to follow replies meant for her.
but got carried away.. heex.
-
She gets Inheritance earlier~!!Originally posted by ghimpheng:Two Words - Silly and Naive
-
nope.Originally posted by ghimpheng:Two Words - Silly and Naive
it's really up to individual..
she's older than me..
it all boils down to wat u are looking for in a r/s..
ok la let's not hijack this thread anymore.. later mod angry. -
Hmm..Originally posted by dokono:I don't think he's a fine gentleman. I think the reason he's holding on is because he likes her and he knows she likes him too. That's why he believes in being patient in this case.
Does a gentleman anyhow touch a girl when they are not even in a relationship?
Does a gentleman fondle a girl??
He fails as a gentleman.
doko
Doko, I take back my words abt him being a fine gentleman after reading thru all posts.
Wow! 15 pages!
Seems to hv been in similiar situation before. Let me analyse. -
Before doing my breakdown, let me share with you an article i read somewhere.
Finding your Soul Mate
Why it's wise to temper your feelings and take things slowly
Why do men and women fall head over heels in love with people they barely know - and why does this common occurrence fail to work most times? Members of the Mars Venus Message Board often share stories of meeting people and after a very short amount of time, report feeling like they have met their soul mate. While this scenario does work out for some couples, more often than not, instant relationships fizzle as quickly as they begin. This leaves people feeling hurt, bewildered and uncertain about their prospect of finding love in the future.
In this all-too-common dating scenario, there are a few common blueprints for this type of relationship:
1. A couple meets and there is instant chemistry. Very often there is a strong sexual connection and the couple may act on this on the first few dates. This causes the intimate connection to feel instantly stronger. This couple may feel that they are in love after only 2 or 3 dates.
2. A couple begins dating and the initial connection is felt more strongly by one person in the relationship. This person often takes the role of the pursuer and they work very hard in the beginning to "convince" their new date that this relationship has potential. Often the pursuer will say things like, "we're meant to be" or that the "connection they feel is special, unique and doesn't happen very often." The pursued, who doesn't feel the same spark but is honestly looking for love, may overlook their reservations and take a risk and jump into the relationship.
These instant relationships become problematic when the chemistry fades or the illusion passes. Sometimes these feelings start to fade as the relationship deepens, but more often than not, one person abruptly comes to the realization that the initial sense of "intimacy" was nothing more than an illusion. For the new couple, the person who has the "realization" begins to pull away, poof, disappears or simply becomes less interested. For the person who is "unaware of the change" is often left feeling confused and bewildered about what went wrong.
After a few bad experiences like this one, many people fear they will never find their soul mate. Some even give up hope and stop looking all together.
The cure for the instant relationship is time. Real love takes time to grow and needs trust and understanding to help it reach its full potential. Although you may find yourself strongly attracted after a few dates, it is important to reflect upon your feelings and be careful not to move too fast. The foundations of real love take time. Be honest with yourself when determining if your feelings are anything more than just a crush. -
Originally posted by kuri:He says he really loves me.
I ask him why.
He says it's just based on feelings.
I say but my behaviour has been rather annoying from the first time we met.
And he says yes there were times i made him clenched his fist in frustration, however he has learnt to accept it for who i am.
Say i m thinking too much you may,but there's a nagging doubt in my head.
If i were really irritating to him why would he have wanted to get close to me in the first place? Why bother to tolerate me if i need to b tolerated?
Love has no reason?
Really? [/quote]
Actually, I've been thru something like this not too long back. Let me try walk thru the quotes with u kuri ya? Am applying my own personal views. Not that it may be applicable to all that you think or feel but hopefully for everyone's reference.Originally posted by kuri:
I have had this stage of doubt before
I dun know whether to get into it while his patience last or wait n see if his patience last.
cos if it wears out he has failed what he told me when i asked him why tolerate me,he said to him it isnt about tolerating anymore he has accepted that as part n parcel of being with me it comes natural n need not be tolerated alr.
yet i know there's a limit to anyone's patience
I just can't be sure. I like him. but the reason why i like him may not be viable if we go into a relationship n his patience wears. that's the dilemma.Originally posted by kuri:
It all begins from here.
We are still officially friends. Friends who met up almost every single day for the past like 21 days. That's a bit hmmm huh. We are letting things cool these few days but agreed to continue with generally what we have now till the next month deadline i mentioned. He was a lil upset when i suggested we should meet less often but came to the consensus with me when i told him that meeting up too regularly is accelerating frustrations with our problems and magnifying the tension we face.
[quote]Originally posted by M©+square:
Do you know that you have alot of insecurities?
Can you identify it?
Cheers
Been honest with him, but he doesnt seem to take heed or he doesnt think it matters or he didnt even address this issue face on. Is that the same situation youÂ’re facing Kuri?Originally posted by kuri:Yes i m aware of that and he is very aware of that. Been terribly honest with him all this while. -
Perhaps this is just ur unconscious self of trying to test him out.Originally posted by kuri:
Well,if i were to fall in love with him eventually it would be due to wat i said earlier i like him for,his patience with me. it is mainly that which attracts me to him.But i dun see anything bout me that would interest him in the first place so i dun see why would he claimed to have fallen in love with me?
This is stirring up a lot of insecurities in me.
For starters, i am playful, quirky, unpredictable and perhaps immature, the definitely need to be coaxed all the time insecure kiddie. The kind who in his own words had considered a "dangerous girl" to him.
He was a serious young man with stable secure career and stuff who wanted a serious gf who would eventually be his life partner. I pointed out that difference to him and implied that perhaps he had thought he had fallen for me cos i m a new thrill, even asked him explicitly "are you sure it's not on impulse?" several times.
He told he's old enough and been thru sufficient experience to know how he feels and what he wants.
Cos this insecurity and the incompatiability which i pointed out, i m worried i would break his heart eventually or he would mine so i hav been pacing back and forth, cos i m unsure whether a relationship with him would have any chance of working out.
Also he's under a lot of stress lately, starting to show some signs of tireness towards having to be so sensitive to me and having to deal with my baby tantrums at times.
ermmm...[/quote]
Same happening then too.Originally posted by kuri:
Sometimes. Other times just bcos i m hypersensitive or emo. Throw regular baby tantrums and fits at him expecting to be coaxed. Maybe i m trying too hard to test him or perhaps i m an immature brat who needs to be pleased all the time.
Funny tho,i m never like that to other friends. And i have grown more demanding after i started sorta liking him.
What do i want?
I dunno.
I m just getting more n more trapped into the engima i've created.
Haha, a typical me wld wonder too.Originally posted by kuri:That's like a big part of what i m trying to find out? if he's patient by nature it has a chance of working out and if he is just bearing with me most likely it wont last.. he said he swore he was never that patient to his ex of several yrs even so i wonder...
[quote]Originally posted by kuri:
whether his feelings for me are lasting or are they just at the heat of the moment? is he bearing with me cos he tot i was 'cute' n would eventually get sick of it? wat makes him love me since i had been nothing short of annoying?Same questions in my mind too.Originally posted by kuri:
All the above are so scary in similiar ways...
the complication added now is that even tho we aint officially a couple bf/gf we decided to leave that till next month to decide as mentioned in my earlier posts, we are definitely beyond the boundaries of friends in terms of physical intimacy.
we dun excatly make out but we do hold hands and hug each other rather intimately. esp the last few times we met he has been touching me more e.g.start fondling me blah blah n worse still some of the things he did i was so oblivious to it i didnt even realise that
until he decided to confess his 'sins' to me for crossing the lines he had set for himself earlier when he promised me he'd prove his feelings for me aint lust.
in light of realising that, he just told me he would curb himself and punish himself by not meeting me till the weekend.
yet another 'issue'?
sometimes i ask myself are we really friends or a couple? can we really be friends after all these? m i holding out from the relationship just for the sake of holding out? am i scared of physical intimacy? is it my insecurities? or perhaps cos i m still hurting from my last relationship?
And you might also wanna ref to this link:
http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=231674&page=3 -
This is starting to look like some part of his instant interest fading off to me no matter what or how strongly heÂ’s proclaimed his love before. IÂ’ve been thru that pathOriginally posted by kuri:dun need to think bout it liao. he's leaving me.
Yeah. Either that, he will still leave if he did not get what he wanted in the first place.Originally posted by kuri:
bbb,i told him wat u said on sms just now..just the part bout me not ready to enter another relationship now cos i still hurt from my last he freaked totally..he was angry what a mutual frd between me n ex said could hav such influence on me..cos i couldnt help crying when i mentioned ex on the phone..he said goodnite n hung up on me..then he smsed me n said i had hurt him enough..he's sick of it..that i say such hurtful things to him and expect to be consoled..say he's telling himself to give up on me tho it hurts him so much to... [/quote]Originally posted by ILPSY:
Emotional blackmail...
I know itÂ’s not easy girl. Hang on. Listen to both your head, guts and heart - combination and balance of all three. Heart will definitely hurt no matter what if head and guts say otherwise. But think of it as something that will prevent an even bigger heartache in future.Originally posted by kuri:i really like him but i just can't bring myself to enter a relationship with him when i m so confused..i want to keep him but yet i dun want to make promises i know i might not be able to fulfill..it hurts so bad now i dunno wat to so..
Rest assure. I think ur doing the right thing. Don't let him waver your principals just becos of his disapproval. I've been blind enuff to bend my own for too long. Principals shd be the core.Originally posted by kuri:shouldnt hav told him that..i regret it..regret it...why couldnt i just control my damn depression. why did thinking bout my ex still affect me so badly.. wat should i do...should i salvage it?how?
Think rationally on a level ground. So extreme. I’m not quite sure how u find such a guy. But does such vehement bahaviour fr a supposed older & “mature” guy than u sounds appealing to you if he applies this type of behaviour into his other aspects of your life with him together down the road?Originally posted by kuri:
he says he's the sort who never believes in patching back. even though he said he still had love his ex when he broke up with cos of her betrayals he never looked back despite being terribly miserable for months he said he would never take his ex back even if she wanted to come back to him. he said he only started looking for somebody after he's sure he had gotten over his ex. and that if i were to make up my mind to leave one day or we were to split i'd never be able to come back to him.
The part in bold sounds like a threat.
[quote]Originally posted by browniebaobao:
Then he should be able to understand what u are going thru..
he makes it sound like he's very desirable and no lack of choices.
in the first place, were u two even together?there's only intimacy involved but no acknowledgement right?Not much of acknowledgement from him right? -
That is your gut feelings my dear.Originally posted by kuri:
I did go out with other guys a few weeks before i met him.
But after two weeks of sorta seeing him i liked him enough to draw my lines clear with 2 other guys i had been going out with and never dated them since.so i guess i do like him.but just somehow smt is holding me back..Originally posted by dokono:So you have only known him like for 2 weeks and you are so drawn to him that fast?
doko
I have been thru something like this before and I ustand ur feelings.Originally posted by kuri:I did tell him that I like him sometime after i rejected to be his gf yet we still went out together all the while.
He wanted me to meet his buddies.Originally posted by kuri:in my reply to doko he did want us to be "official" even wanted me to meet his parents
I think this guy, is just trying to tie kuri down “while stock lasts”. My personal observation fr my own exp very similar to this nature.Originally posted by dokono:no no
he's rushing.
2 weeks only and he wants to meet your parents?
might as well propose to you for marriage on the spot.
doko
This is freaky. I did propose too a cooling off period, not to meet or contact him for a week.Originally posted by dokono:No I can tell he's trying to rush you into a relationship. Be patient with yourself first. When you know you are secure, try to think about the relationship later. It's still not too late. Cos you know what? A relationship can make you more insecure when you are already not secure. It can cause a lot of problems in the future if you don't settle those insecurity issues.
doko [/quote]Originally posted by kuri:
It's been bout a month now...after he self confessed bout the touching thing he said that he scares himself when he recalled his actions so decided that there should b a cooling off period that we r moving too fast. but after that ordeal last nite..he did call back bout an hour later but i knew it's still biting him..received an sms from him in the middle of the night that he is too hurt to sleep.this morning when i asked him if he's okie he says he cant go to work today think he didn't sleep at all..i don't know how to comfort him..mayb i shd meet him for dinner today or smt..i really didnt know it'd hurt him so bad..at a loss now..
[quote]Originally posted by dokono:
Actually, your relationship is not fast yet. I've known faster ones. But do slow it down. Right now, both your status are "friends".
There are a few questions:
How did you meet him?
There are many possibilities why he's hurt. It could be he's hurt by the many big/small tantrums you throw at him and he can't take it anymore. Seriously, I think you really need to control yourself. There are girls who throw tantrums a lot of times and there are girls who throw much lesser. Is this part of your character?
Then again, is this called patience? Patience is about getting to know each other slowly, even though the chemistry is there. When everything is too fast, you crash and burn fast.
How did your reply the sms?
He's complaining to you. He's not taking it easy. His patience is wearing thin.
doko
Either heÂ’s not really that patient as he projected himself out to be initially or u misread his signal. -
Originally posted by smudgey:
Hmm.... Kuri...
sad to say, it's either :1) he's too young and immature to care about your feelings over his....
2) he doesn't really love you.
Instead of saying all those things to you, if he really loves you, he should say that he is willing to wait and support you....
Kuri..... this is not a good time to start with him....
that's what i feel
Yeah, journeyOriginally posted by choco B:And even if this relationship fails... well sometimes what matters is the journey... it's not all about the destination.
Hmm, read this on tickle.comOriginally posted by kuri:
i cried incessantly and couldnt think bout anything when i saw that msg from him that he's telling himself to give up on me tho it hurts so bad i tot that's it. but after he called me just before i slept i felt alrite alr,seems like he still isnt now..i dunno how to comfort him..he says how he wish he can just hug me tightly now n never let go..i was melting a lil inside when i heard that..felt like hugging him and saying silly boy..i guess that's the least i could do to ease his pain..i'll meet him to give him a big hug later n hope he feels better..leave the thinking to after that ba.. [/quote]
The more this goes on, naturally the more it hurts. ItÂ’s surprising what time do for us.Originally posted by blu_sky:
haha! i guess this is the TS's bf's agony too. he muz be thinking "why cant it be simpler!?"
hehe...
There are three main types of communicators: Diplomats, Expressives, and Harmonizers. Different types of communicators get along better with some types than others.
For instance, because you are a Diplomat, you will tend to get along best with other Diplomats. This doesn't mean that a successful relationship between you and an Expressive or a Harmonizer is impossible. It simply means that those matches are a less natural fit for you, and those relationships will likely require more work to keep things going smoothly. Here's the complete rundown of how you get along with all the communication types:
Diplomats with Diplomats: This is your best match in terms of communication since another Diplomat will usually be happy to work through problems with you. As Diplomats, you'll both typically enjoy openly discussing your thoughts and feelings around issues and will each offer a sympathetic ear to one another.
Diplomats with Expressives: A Diplomat/Expressive pairing can work, but it will likely take some extra effort. Expressives tend to be quick to boil and can be single-minded when they get angry. As a result, their approach to tough conversations may make you feel like they are not listening to you. Before you can establish a truly productive relationship, these are some issues the two of you will want to work through.
Diplomats with Harmonizers: This match can be successful with a little extra effort. For the most part, Harmonizers dislike discussing negative emotions and are comfortable ignoring some heated topics. This tendency runs quite opposite of your own need to get conflicts out in the open. The two of you may need to find a happy medium between these styles before your relationship can move forward.
Yeah. Better things might comeOriginally posted by Devil1976:
Don't take it too bad... Meanwhile like MC has suggested, why not take some time to think things through..? On what form of proper mentality you should be having for a relationship and to prevent a rebound...?From the way you've described your situation till far... This 'relationship' of yours is not likely to go far not to mention go the way you would wish it would anyway...? Take it as a shorter route to meet the end of it?
Better things might come... Only truly so if you're better prepared for them? 
Originally posted by dokono:
[quote]Originally posted by dokono:
Never rush. Women don't like to be pressured into a relationship. And Im sure you don't like too?
Maybe he wants to settle down soon, that's why the rush? And please let go of your ex as soon as possible, if you want to enter a new relationship.
If you enter into a relationship with memories of your ex still fresh, it's going to be a very painful relationship, for both of your. Fix your low self-esteem issues or insecurities then see if you are ready. If not, it's going to be a baggage.
doko
It's very difficult. Time is needed. Time is the best healer.
dokoAgree abt the time part.
- end - -
Off to bed! -
Does he revel in misery?
Does he have an unhappy childhood?
Does he have an abusive mother?
Consider carefully, whether he is unconsiously seeking the continuing of the same situation with you.
Consider carefully what you want for yourself.
Love is growth.
You grow better, you build, you improve, you move forward.
Will the relationship offer these?
If you're too young to understand, please defer any relationship until you are sure of what you want. -
In any case, this 2 wks worth of relationship is too soon to tell.
-
I once liked a girl who was always talking about her ex. It was fine for a while... but I really got tired of it after I realised her life is all about her ex. It's like the only thing she can talk about is her ex.Originally posted by kuri:that's sweet yet painful.
remb when he told me a few days ago that if one day i decided to leave him i could never come back to him he said once his love for somebody has been transformed to another form of love it could never revert back. just like he "loves" his ex in that he geninuely wishes her the best in life despite her betrayals but wants no contact with her and using the cliche if we would both fall into the sea analogy he'd save me first then figure out how to save his ex.
he asked me if i felt okie after he mentioned that i told him i did and i really did. that's why i was really stumped at his reaction ytd at the mention of my ex. but the difference is that he wasnt upset when he/me mentioned his ex. mayb he felt really terrible cos he thinks i still miss my ex he's really worried that i will run back to my ex or smt leaving him stranded in despair.
Let the past be past. It's a memory good or bad. What is important is the present. Especially for relationships.
Regarding you treating him bad. If he gets fustrated and can still take it, it doesn't mean he likes it. If I love someone, I would never purposely treat her bad... if you decided you can toy with his feelings like that... you're probably going to be more and more unreasonable as time goes on.
This will definitely be a major source of arguments in future. I'm not saying that you two will not be happy together, it's just that seed of petty arguments is already planted before a r/s has even started... you have to think about this problem.
I used to do a lot, a lot for a girl I liked even though she never did anything for me. Just because I know she liked me. Even though she said she's not a nice person. But it really got so bad. At some point of time my patience really did break. -
As illustrated in many posts here: When you love someone, you want the best for that person and want that person to be happy. I don't see how mistreating the person is happy to that person.
Woah... So many pages of dunno what... chit chatting? Sorry~~~ Dun bother to read those. -
wow.... amazed by the amount of pages suddenly.
anyway, updates from TS -
wat type ah...hmm, someone who is caring and not afraid to show it, someone who is considerate, patient, romantic...the list goes onOriginally posted by dokono:You mentioned personality? Care to elaborate what type attracts you? Why some girls still fall for bad guys when obviously he treats her so bad? Are bad guys more attractive?
doko Maybe u need to meet my dear to get a better idea
Hmm, maybe cos some girls think bad guys exude this kinda mysterious personality that attracts them...or maybe it is their instinct to want to "tame" them... -
Originally posted by mayday80:
I used to do a lot, a lot for a girl I liked even though she never did anything for me. Just because I know she liked me. -
Ok to talk abt his ex but not to hear abt urs?Originally posted by kuri:that's why i was really stumped at his reaction ytd at the mention of my ex. but the difference is that he wasnt upset when he/me mentioned his ex. mayb he felt really terrible cos he thinks i still miss my ex he's really worried that i will run back to my ex or smt leaving him stranded in despair.
Same here.
After thinking, that is probably wat we would call "double standard". -
In my point of view, he's not as patient and understanding as you perceive him to be initially. As the r/s goes on, minus the intimacy, maybe it's time to take off that rosy specs you see him thru now.Originally posted by kuri:that's sweet yet painful.
remb when he told me a few days ago that if one day i decided to leave him i could never come back to him he said once his love for somebody has been transformed to another form of love it could never revert back. just like he "loves" his ex in that he geninuely wishes her the best in life despite her betrayals but wants no contact with her and using the cliche if we would both fall into the sea analogy he'd save me first then figure out how to save his ex.
he asked me if i felt okie after he mentioned that i told him i did and i really did. that's why i was really stumped at his reaction ytd at the mention of my ex. but the difference is that he wasnt upset when he/me mentioned his ex. mayb he felt really terrible cos he thinks i still miss my ex he's really worried that i will run back to my ex or smt leaving him stranded in despair. -
do we really expect people to be extremely patient when we treat them like sh1t?Originally posted by YouDonKnowMe:In my point of view, he's not as patient and understanding as you perceive him to be initially. As the r/s goes on, minus the intimacy, maybe it's time to take off that rosy specs you see him thru now.
is it reasonable of us to expect such patience? -
I agree, so totally.Originally posted by mayday80:Let the past be past. It's a memory good or bad. What is important is the present. Especially for relationships. -
Wen the guys are too nice, girls will climb all over them
-
but 2 weeks already so full of dilemma and pain?Originally posted by M©+square:In any case, this 2 wks worth of relationship is too soon to tell.