Where is the line?
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Recently, my boyfriend's separated wife, who is of cohesive terms with him, came to singapore with their son (she is a hongkonger), and obviously, they stayed over at their matrimonial home.
being sensitive to the feelings of his wife and their son, of course we do not meet up often. maybe only once a week.
last night, he told me that he will be going for a traditional family CNY trip with his family, and his wife and their son will be going too. to make my heart sink further, i was told that her family will be joining his family in the trip. her mother has contracted terminal diseases, and this is her last trip, he says. and asked me if that is ok. asking me about something that is goin to stay, and is not goin to change? wat was i supposed to say? i kept quiet.
I am really disturbed by this. and confused too.
Where is the line? Am i being over sensitive or is he just being insensitive?
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May I ask: does anyone else besides you and your boyfriend know about your relationship?
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Maybe let them have their last dinner bah.
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According to him, his good friend and brother know about it. he had told them. but i have never met them personally.
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Dinner? they probably having dinner together every other nite, i think? cos they are staying together in their matrimonial home.Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:Maybe let them have their last dinner bah.
it is not the dinner they are having that has disturbed me so much, rather, they are goin for an overseas trip for maybe a week(?), with his family and with her family. what does this denote? -
Be warned, this type of scenario will normally leads to the husband going back to the wife.
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hey....Originally posted by sggirl07:Recently, my boyfriend's separated wife, who is of cohesive terms with him, came to singapore with their son (she is a hongkonger), and obviously, they stayed over at their matrimonial home.
being sensitive to the feelings of his wife and their son, of course we do not meet up often. maybe only once a week.
last night, he told me that he will be going for a traditional family CNY trip with his family, and his wife and their son will be going too. to make my heart sink further, i was told that her family will be joining his family in the trip. her mother has contracted terminal diseases, and this is her last trip, he says. and asked me if that is ok. asking me about something that is goin to stay, and is not goin to change? wat was i supposed to say? i kept quiet.
I am really disturbed by this. and confused too.
Where is the line? Am i being over sensitive or is he just being insensitive?
at least he is being honest with you....
if you are not important to him, he won't even ask if it's ok with you....
talk to him nicely about all your worries, and doubts... be honest with him too -
Have you ever thought about his child?
That's probably the reason why he's going. He obviously separated from his wife for some reason; separation is a big deal - it's not some relationship breakup but an annulment of a sacred/legal bond - I very much doubt you have anything to be worried about. I believe the only reason he's there is to give his child some memories of having a real family.
I don't think your fears are unjustified as well; I may say this now but that's because I'm not in your position - if I was I'd probably freak! Best you can do is just call him every night, and once or twice in the day just to let him know and subtly remind him that you're still here. -
Yes. Talk to him nicely and since he has an accountability partners (you said his brother and friend know), you don't have to worry so much. It is understandable how you feel when he is meeting up with his seperated wife... WHICH brings me to another question:Originally posted by smudgey:hey....
at least he is being honest with you....
if you are not important to him, he won't even ask if it's ok with you....
talk to him nicely about all your worries, and doubts... be honest with him too
Did he told you he got a wife and had seperation procedures done before you two went dating? -
honestly, im not okay. by asking me if im ok, wat is goin to happen? i will just have to say i am okay though i am not ok. what is the point? and if i tell him i am not ok, is he going to do anything about it? if not (honestly, i am not expecting him to do anything), then what is the point?Originally posted by smudgey:hey....
at least he is being honest with you....
if you are not important to him, he won't even ask if it's ok with you....
talk to him nicely about all your worries, and doubts... be honest with him too
yes, i am glad that he is honest. -
No, he only told me after we are together. why do you ask this?Originally posted by Bontakun:Yes. Talk to him nicely and since he has an accountability partners (you said his brother and friend know), you don't have to worry so much. It is understandable how you feel when he is meeting up with his seperated wife... WHICH brings me to another question:
Did he told you he got a wife and had seperation procedures done before you two went dating?
I am not just worried, i am confused, and depressed
Where is the line? when is it that i can start saying i am not ok?
i only knew about his wife and seperation after we were together. i said i was ok.
he wife came back with son, and they staying under one roof,
i have to say i am ok.
we cant meet up often (max once a week), and i have to say i am ok.
and now they are goin away for CNY, for an overseas trip, with both sides family, can i be not ok now? -
Do you see the trend with regards to why I asked you that question earlier on? Its for you to ask yourself were you ready for unexpected events like this.Originally posted by sggirl07:No, he only told me after we are together. why do you ask this?
I am not just worried, i am confused, and depressed
Where is the line? when is it that i can start saying i am not ok?
i only knew about his wife and seperation after we were together. i said i was ok.
he wife came back with son, and they staying under one roof,
i have to say i am ok.
we cant meet up often (max once a week), and i have to say i am ok.
and now they are goin away for CNY, for an overseas trip, with both sides family, can i be not ok now?
Mind I ask you another question?
IF you two were not together back then and he told you he had a wife, but seperated. Would you still consider go together with him? -
No.Originally posted by Bontakun:Do you see the trend with regards to why I asked you that question earlier on? Its for you to ask yourself were you ready for unexpected events like this.
Mind I ask you another question?
IF you two were not together back then and he told you he had a wife, but seperated. Would you still consider go together with him? -
i know how you feel here....Originally posted by sggirl07:honestly, im not okay. by asking me if im ok, wat is goin to happen? i will just have to say i am okay though i am not ok. what is the point? and if i tell him i am not ok, is he going to do anything about it? if not (honestly, i am not expecting him to do anything), then what is the point?
yes, i am glad that he is honest.
although he gave you a choice, in reality there isn't much of a choice...
reason being if u say no (which is something you really feel like saying), and he is willing to follow your wishes, you know you'll hate yourself for making him make this decision...
thing is... is he worth your trust?? is he worth your wait?
really in these situation we as their partners have not much of a choice.... we can only stand by them and trust them....
hey wait! there is another choice... to DISTRUST them... tell him no! break up and be done with it.
but is this what you really want?
I'll ask you again.
Is your relationship worth your wait? Do you trust him? -
Ok. So you are against the idea of dating a married person who is seperated. The thing now is: since it has come to this stage and its too late to "regret", you can only trust him and try to preoccupy yourself with other stuffs while he is away.Originally posted by sggirl07:No.
As for considering "Carrying on to believe this relationship will work out or end the relationship"... Up to you to decide, I only suggest you just put it at the back seat for now. Freaking out over the issue may aggravate the situation at hand. What is needed is a cool mind and a calm heart. -
It is not just about trust here.Originally posted by smudgey:i know how you feel here....
although he gave you a choice, in reality there isn't much of a choice...
reason being if u say no (which is something you really feel like saying), and he is willing to follow your wishes, you know you'll hate yourself for making him make this decision...
thing is... is he worth your trust?? is he worth your wait?
really in these situation we as their partners have not much of a choice.... we can only stand by them and trust them....
hey wait! there is another choice... to DISTRUST them... tell him no! break up and be done with it.
but is this what you really want?
I'll ask you again.
Is your relationship worth your wait? Do you trust him?
how many more bad news to i have to bear? how many more bad news can i bear before i see the next glimmer of ray of hope to keep me going?
Do you know what is depress? and do you know there is something called a breaking point? or deal breaker? -
For the past 1.5 months, i had only seen him twice. and i already have been trying to preoccupy myself with tonnes of other stuff.Originally posted by Bontakun:Ok. So you are against the idea of dating a married person who is seperated. The thing now is: since it has come to this stage and its too late to "regret", you can only trust him and try to preoccupy yourself with other stuffs while he is away.
As for considering "Carrying on to believe this relationship will work out or end the relationship"... Up to you to decide, I only suggest you just put it at the back seat for now. Freaking out over the issue may aggravate the situation at hand. What is needed is a cool mind and a calm heart.
but how many more bad news do i have to bear? cant he tell him all in one go rather than do this to me slowly? when is my breaking point?
I am not freaking out. i am not terribly insecured. i am very confused and depressed. hurt too? -
Originally posted by sggirl07:It is not just about trust here.
how many more bad news to i have to bear? how many more bad news can i bear before i see the next glimmer of ray of hope to keep me going?
Do you know what is depress? and do you know there is something called a breaking point? or deal breaker?
I have to shoot some bad stuffs at you. So bear with me, ok?Originally posted by sggirl07:For the past 1.5 months, i had only seen him twice. and i already have been trying to preoccupy myself with tonnes of other stuff.
but how many more bad news do i have to bear? cant he tell him all in one go rather than do this to me slowly? when is my breaking point?
I am not freaking out. i am not terribly insecured. i am very confused and depressed. hurt too?
You decided to be with him before trying to find out more (which in this case finding out about him being married and such) about him. You should know in relationships of any kind, unexpected stuffs are bound to appear. How you are going to handle it will depends on how much you value this relationship and how much you back your DECISION to be with him in the first place.
Its like, you wanna buy hamburger and cheeseburger in Macs. Hamburger is cheaper but cheeseburger got cheese. Then you decided to buy hamburger. After you bought liao, you suddenly realised you crave the cheeseburger more. BUT the thing is, you already bought your hamburger so you have to make do with it.
Put this analogy into your relationship with him. You already made your choice. You have to hold responsible for it.
How much more you can bear only you know. Tell him your concerns if you really fear you are unable to take it.
How you wish you took more time to know more about him before you leap into the relationship with him eh? -
I know all these.... "breaking point? or deal breaker"Originally posted by sggirl07:It is not just about trust here.
how many more bad news to i have to bear? how many more bad news can i bear before i see the next glimmer of ray of hope to keep me going?
Do you know what is depress? and do you know there is something called a breaking point? or deal breaker?
been there, done that....
"breaking point? or deal breaker" these are for you to decide...
no one else can tell you where it lies....
different ppl have different tolerance levels....
some ppl can take all the crap, get bitten up and still do not see the "breaking point? or deal breaker"...
this is a qn u have to ask yourself....
but whatever the answer, as long as you can say "I tried my best" "i have given it my all" no one can fault you...
but before you make this decision, still have a good talk with him... you may find your ray of hope in that conversation... -
i knew him for 3 months before we were tog. during the first two dates, i asked him specifically if he was married, he said he is divorced. asked him if he had kids, he said no.Originally posted by Bontakun:I have to shoot some bad stuffs at you. So bear with me, ok?
You decided to be with him before trying to find out more (which in this case finding out about him being married and such) about him. You should know in relationships of any kind, unexpected stuffs are bound to appear. How you are going to handle it will depends on how much you value this relationship and how much you back your DECISION to be with him in the first place.
Its like, you wanna buy hamburger and cheeseburger in Macs. Hamburger is cheaper but cheeseburger got cheese. Then you decided to buy hamburger. After you bought liao, you suddenly realised you crave the cheeseburger more. BUT the thing is, you already bought your hamburger so you have to make do with it.
Put this analogy into your relationship with him. You already made your choice. You have to hold responsible for it.
How much more you can bear only you know. Tell him your concerns if you really fear you are unable to take it.
How you wish you took more time to know more about him before you leap into the relationship with him eh?
which part had i not done?
puttin it back in your analogy, i went to fastfood stall, asked the gal, does your hamburger has cheese, she said yes. i bought it, but, there is no cheese when i open it.
which part had i not done enough? -
You should have known better. You have gone in with your eyes wide open. That he's separated is not equivalent of him being divorced. This makes you the third party - GUILTY! So if you feel hurt, I guess you deserve it lor.......
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I wonder if you even suspect that the "terminal diseases" excuse is fake or not.
It's perfectly right that you're not happy with it. But I think you have to give him some credit for being honest.
I find it strange that a seperated man will want to do such a thing with his ex-wife, but perhaps they really are still friends.
I think it all boils down to how much you know his character and how much you trust him.
The fact is he's built strong familial ties over years with his wife and her family . You're only his girlfriend.
If what he says is all true, I think it is not unreasonable for him to go.
If he still feels something for the ex-wife he will return to her whether or not you are in the picture.
Being with seperated man is not easy, you have to be prepared for remnants of his past marriage interupting your relationship.Originally posted by sggirl07:No, he only told me after we are together. why do you ask this?
I am not just worried, i am confused, and depressed
Where is the line? when is it that i can start saying i am not ok?
i only knew about his wife and seperation after we were together. i said i was ok.
he wife came back with son, and they staying under one roof,
i have to say i am ok.
we cant meet up often (max once a week), and i have to say i am ok.
and now they are goin away for CNY, for an overseas trip, with both sides family, can i be not ok now? -
Trust bah. Sometimes there are unfairness around. He did not clarify with you properly during your 1st date or meeting, that puts him into a potential mistrust state. If he can "lie" at that time, he can do it again in the future.Originally posted by sggirl07:i knew him for 3 months before we were tog. during the first two dates, i asked him specifically if he was married, he said he is divorced. asked him if he had kids, he said no.
which part had i not done?
puttin it back in your analogy, i went to fastfood stall, asked the gal, does your hamburger has cheese, she said yes. i bought it, but, there is no cheese when i open it.
which part had i not done enough?
Frankly speaking: do you still have hope you can be with him together? -
Are you blind or you cant read!?Originally posted by :You should have known better. You have gone in with your eyes wide open. That he's separated is not equivalent of him being divorced. This makes you the third party - GUILTY! So if you feel hurt, I guess you deserve it lor.......
i wrote, i did not know he was married. he told me he was DIVORCED. -
I do not know how i got myself into this.Originally posted by choco B:I wonder if you even suspect that the "terminal diseases" excuse is fake or not.
It's perfectly right that you're not happy with it. But I think you have to give him some credit for being honest.
I find it strange that a seperated man will want to do such a thing with his ex-wife, but perhaps they really are still friends.
I think it all boils down to how much you know his character and how much you trust him.
The fact is he's built strong familial ties over years with his wife and her family . You're only his girlfriend.
If what he says is all true, I think it is not unreasonable for him to go.
If he still feels something for the ex-wife he will return to her whether or not you are in the picture.
Being with seperated man is not easy, you have to be prepared for remnants of his past marriage interupting your relationship.
i was willing to overlook the fact that i was not told the truth before the relationship, but why is he still making things so difficult for me, time and again? time after time?