Where is the line?
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How long you two been together?Originally posted by sggirl07:I do not know how i got myself into this.
i was willing to overlook the fact that i was not told the truth before the relationship, but why is he still making things so difficult for me, time and again? time after time? -
3 monthsOriginally posted by choco B:How long you two been together? -
In the first place, since he had been lying on several important things right from the beginning, I'd be very wary of his character already. Things are not what they seem. And I doubt he did anything much in the 3 months to gain your trust ?
The fact is, he does not need your permission to go holiday. If he wants to go, he goes.
Since you've already chosen to commit to him, I think you should tell him honestly that his past actions have not made you trust him. And that you can't stop him from going on holiday, but if he is found lying again you will seriously re-consider staying on.
Don't invest too much into this relationship in the meantime. The boy has to earn your trust and get his marriage sorted out, not sure how well he'll handle that.Originally posted by sggirl07:3 months -
Since only 3 months, it's not too late to walk out of the relationship if you are really in doubt.
If you decide to continue on, it's still important to find out the actual reasons behind the separation.
Follow your heart. At the end of the day, you need to be happy. If 90% of your time together you feel miserable, then it's really not worth continuing.
Take care and good luck!!!
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His wife is not a local?Originally posted by sggirl07:For the past 1.5 months, i had only seen him twice. and i already have been trying to preoccupy myself with tonnes of other stuff.
but how many more bad news do i have to bear? cant he tell him all in one go rather than do this to me slowly? when is my breaking point?
I am not freaking out. i am not terribly insecured. i am very confused and depressed. hurt too?
How sure are you that he's actually separated from his wife....?
From what you've said for yourself, it seems like you really can't accept this relationship?
Only 3 months and met for only a couple of times... Have you seriously not consider to end this relationship instead? -
yea, she is not a local. she is a hongkee. I have never seen the seperation papers if that is what you are asking, what i know is based on what he tells me.Originally posted by Devil1976:His wife is not a local?
How sure are you that he's actually separated from his wife....?
From what you've said for yourself, it seems like you really can't accept this relationship?
Only 3 months and met for only a couple of times... Have you seriously not consider to end this relationship instead?
i try to accept it as it as, i really try, i really do. but he is not helping me. now and then, i will get a fresh news, fresh bad news.
first, he is married with a kid, not divorced yet, seperation in progress.
then, she will be here, they will stay in the same house.
next, cant see him often.
then, he is goin for family trip in CNY.
then she will be joining him.
then her family will be joining.
when will this series of bad news end? and we are just talking about big disappointments, not touching other small disappointments. is he so determined in breaking my heart? that one blow after another, my heart aint broken, accepted things as they are, and so he continues to give me new blows?
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tricky leh..
of course will be jealous..
but then since it's the last trip.. i think the mum also want to go as a whole family ba.. so let them lor.. have to be understanding ba.
and about the ex wife and son.. cannot deprive the son of fatherly love de..
and abt the wife.. how did they end up divorced?
is she attached now?
do they still have feelings for each other? -
if u cant take it now.. there's more in the future.. especially if u two get married..
coz his son will always be his son, his ex wife will always be his ex wife.
so if u cant accept it.. cant put up with it.. then dun waste ur time anymore. -
have i not been understanding?Originally posted by browniebaobao:tricky leh..
of course will be jealous..
but then since it's the last trip.. i think the mum also want to go as a whole family ba.. so let them lor.. have to be understanding ba.
and about the ex wife and son.. cannot deprive the son of fatherly love de..
and abt the wife.. how did they end up divorced?
is she attached now?
do they still have feelings for each other?
when he told me after we were in a relationship, he is undergoing separation, not divorced yet, i did not make a sound.
when he told me that they will be staying together, that is their matrimonial house, yes understanding, i did not utter a word too.
when he told me that we should spare a thought for their feelings and meet less often, and yes, son should not be deprived of father's love. that i totally agree, and therefore i kept quiet again. and yes, we met only 2 times in 1.5 mths.
how have i not been understanding enough? how much more understanding should i be? And i m trying to be understanding so that they husband and wife, one whole big family with children and both sides in laws are going away for CNY trip. i wont see him for another half month.
how much more surprises can i take? how much more hurt can i take?
All i asked for was tell me the truth, everything, no matter how unbearable. dun keep giving me piece meal unpleasant surprises all the time, every other day. was that so difficult? -
hmm so what do you want to get from this relationship? Personally, I think if you can say whatever you said here to him, it will clear up a lot of your doubts. I feel he isn't a bad character but you need to have more communication. You seem too passive.
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i am not a passive person, i kept quiet cos i was trying to not give him awkardness or pressure to his already pressured situation.Originally posted by mayday80:hmm so what do you want to get from this relationship? Personally, I think if you can say whatever you said here to him, it will clear up a lot of your doubts. I feel he isn't a bad character but you need to have more communication. You seem too passive.
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i think being quiet puts just one more crack in this already fragile situation. Be more vocal... tell him about ur insecurities and he'll probably give you the best answer. Better than any advice we can give to you.Originally posted by sggirl07:i am not a passive person, i kept quiet cos i was trying to not give him awkardness or pressure to his already pressured situation.
If I'm in his shoes. First, there's the son whom I would want to be a good father to. Second, if the ex-wife's mom is passing on soon, I'm after all the ex-son... definitely I would want to see her again. Being divorced dosen't mean you break off all contact and relationships and doesn't mean you can easily break it off.
The easy way out is to get out of this r/s like what many people will advise you to do. But you'll have to think with your heart and your head... whether your love for him outweighs the sacrifices and insecurities... only you yourself know how much this r/s means to you.
I think you should still start with conversation as a first step. -
Let it go then. You can either let the issue go and pretend nothing has happen or let him go.Originally posted by sggirl07:have i not been understanding?
when he told me after we were in a relationship, he is undergoing separation, not divorced yet, i did not make a sound.
when he told me that they will be staying together, that is their matrimonial house, yes understanding, i did not utter a word too.
when he told me that we should spare a thought for their feelings and meet less often, and yes, son should not be deprived of father's love. that i totally agree, and therefore i kept quiet again. and yes, we met only 2 times in 1.5 mths.
how have i not been understanding enough? how much more understanding should i be? And i m trying to be understanding so that they husband and wife, one whole big family with children and both sides in laws are going away for CNY trip. i wont see him for another half month.
how much more surprises can i take? how much more hurt can i take?
All i asked for was tell me the truth, everything, no matter how unbearable. dun keep giving me piece meal unpleasant surprises all the time, every other day. was that so difficult? -
the relationship means alot to me, otherwise, why you think i am swallowing everythin and keeping quiet and just accept things as they are, not uttering a single word?Originally posted by mayday80:i think being quiet puts just one more crack in this already fragile situation. Be more vocal... tell him about ur insecurities and he'll probably give you the best answer. Better than any advice we can give to you.
If I'm in his shoes. First, there's the son whom I would want to be a good father to. Second, if the ex-wife's mom is passing on soon, I'm after all the ex-son... definitely I would want to see her again. Being divorced dosen't mean you break off all contact and relationships and doesn't mean you can easily break it off.
The easy way out is to get out of this r/s like what many people will advise you to do. But you'll have to think with your heart and your head... whether your love for him outweighs the sacrifices and insecurities... only you yourself know how much this r/s means to you.
I think you should still start with conversation as a first step. -
go ahead and tell him then... really!Originally posted by sggirl07:the relationship means alot to me, otherwise, why you think i am swallowing everythin and keeping quiet and just accept things as they are, not uttering a single word?
I'll hate it if it goes sour just because you kept quiet... cos I really want you to tell him. -
i have been letting issues go. i can let this go too. but, wats next?Originally posted by Bontakun:Let it go then. You can either let the issue go and pretend nothing has happen or let him go. -
i just spoke to him. he said he cant think now. he got no solution now. his head is bursting. give him time and he will think of a solution. but what solution can he find?Originally posted by mayday80:go ahead and tell him then... really!
I'll hate it if it goes sour just because you kept quiet... cos I really want you to tell him.
i told him im very tired of living. im really so tired. -
you are so kind. thank you.Originally posted by mayday80:go ahead and tell him then... really!
I'll hate it if it goes sour just because you kept quiet... cos I really want you to tell him. -
yeah... things will defintely be better... don't worry so much for now.
You'll know soon how much you mean to him and then you can decide what you wanna do next. -
Next is to rebuild your life. What did you wanted to do before you met him? What are the goals you were chasing? What are the friends you ignored during this time? How about your family? What about career? Hobbies? New things?Originally posted by sggirl07:i have been letting issues go. i can let this go too. but, wats next? -
give him time to think.... I know you feel bad, and tired....Originally posted by sggirl07:i just spoke to him. he said he cant think now. he got no solution now. his head is bursting. give him time and he will think of a solution. but what solution can he find?
i told him im very tired of living. im really so tired.
but i'm sure he feels worse.... he has so many things to deal with....
but he is trying.... he's trying... and that's important -
how do you know he is trying?Originally posted by smudgey:give him time to think.... I know you feel bad, and tired....
but i'm sure he feels worse.... he has so many things to deal with....
but he is trying.... he's trying... and that's important -
If the guy can't handle the pressure of a new girlfriend on top of his ex-marriage , ex-wife and son, he should not get into a relationship in the first place.
If you can't handle a man with a previous marriage , with all the trappings plus maybe some skeletons in his closet, you should not get into this relationship either.
Even if he is the most trustworthy and nice man, someone who will make you happy given the chance, you've got to be stronger and more sensible to make the relationship work. You chose him, you have to adapt.
I don't think you can avoid talking seriously about his past, your insecurities and how to build your relationship. Do it calmly and sensibly, but don't sweep under carpet.Originally posted by sggirl07:i am not a passive person, i kept quiet cos i was trying to not give him awkardness or pressure to his already pressured situation. -
if he's not trying, he won't tell you all that he had told you...Originally posted by sggirl07:how do you know he is trying?
if he's not trying, he wont be thinking of a solution.
he'll just tell you that he has too much to deal with right now, so that's the end to you and him....
All these is assuming that he has told you the truth so far.... -
Hmm.........................................Originally posted by smudgey:if he's not trying, he won't tell you all that he had told you...
if he's not trying, he wont be thinking of a solution.
he'll just tell you that he has too much to deal with right now, so that's the end to you and him....
All these is assuming that he has told you the truth so far....