Where is the line?
-
Bottling up your own feelings... Hiding yuor own insecurity... Not knowing exactly what is going on and be so quite lost doesn't seems any wiser by choice...?Originally posted by sggirl07:People, do you think this is feasible or good for the relationship? -
even if i see the seperation papers, that does not mean that they may not 'patch up' looking at at the situation that they can go for holiday together? and, what will his parents think? they can go for holiday, there must be a high chance or reconciliation! why would he want to plant such hope on his parents who are very important to him?Originally posted by Devil1976:Bottling up your own feelings... Hiding yuor own insecurity... Not knowing exactly what is going on and be so quite lost doesn't seems any wiser by choice...?
The above is notwithstanding the potential repurcussion and side effects of the 'request' to see the papers. -
The line being.
He is not officially divorced. And divorce can be obtained once decision is made.
And.....it takes only 4 months to be officially divorce. Go think about it. -
EH your suituation is so much alike the drama" bai wan bao"
-
i didnt watch that. would you share here?Originally posted by FireToad:EH your suituation is so much alike the drama" bai wan bao" -
I don't think there's an official "paper" for separation, is there? Only when you divorce. Usually when couple decide to separate, they just go separate way, not living together etc. After that, if they are sure they are definitely not going to get back together, they will proceed with divorce.Originally posted by sggirl07:even if i see the seperation papers, that does not mean that they may not 'patch up' looking at at the situation that they can go for holiday together? and, what will his parents think? they can go for holiday, there must be a high chance or reconciliation! why would he want to plant such hope on his parents who are very important to him?
The above is notwithstanding the potential repurcussion and side effects of the 'request' to see the papers. -
i dont know. i have no such experience. my close friends do not have such experience too.Originally posted by honeymouse:I don't think there's an official "paper" for separation, is there? Only when you divorce. Usually when couple decide to separate, they just go separate way, not living together etc. After that, if they are sure they are definitely not going to get back together, they will proceed with divorce. -
I believe you and your bf need to have a good talk about the whole issue. If he's not even ready to talk about and tell you about the separation, he shouldn't go into a relationship because it means that he still feels hurt. Unless he is completely over with the relationship with his ex-wife, it will continue to haunt him and affect your relationship with him.
Please do not get me wrong, I am not trying to be a wet blanket but I just don't want you to get hurt.
It's like a physical injury like a deep cut on your finger. If you don't nurse the wound and let it heal properly, it will always cause pain at the spot. The same thing applies to human emotion. If you don't let your emotion wound heal properly, you will always tend to get hurt easily as that wound becomes a permanent weakness in you.
Hope you understand what I am trying to say here.
-
so have you made your decision?Originally posted by sggirl07:i dont know. i have no such experience. my close friends do not have such experience too.
what's the situation right now? -
Yes... Certainly... We can't deny much of the many 'possibilities' to come.... In fact, if you choose to look at it from a more positive point of view instead.. It could have easily turned to he just bochap and ahead more like he's forced to...? The point I'm making here is not that it should or might even be the other way round... The point is that's exactly my point of address in the 1st place... Get back to this point of yours again later....?Originally posted by sggirl07:even if i see the seperation papers, that does not mean that they may not 'patch up' looking at at the situation that they can go for holiday together? and, what will his parents think? they can go for holiday, there must be a high chance or reconciliation! why would he want to plant such hope on his parents who are very important to him?
The above is notwithstanding the potential repurcussion and side effects of the 'request' to see the papers.
Now... Not that I'm exactly suggesting anything... But up to this day it seems like too many things which he had said have not been verified, and many 'bad news' have been coming up in between... I think the bare minimal you should be doing is to check on how reliable he is at least at this point...? Just a benchmark to know where you're standing now... Because from the way I see it, you're quite totally lost nowhere...
Back to my 1st para's issue... If you're thinking along that line, then I think you're probably not having any of much faith in this relationship and him anyway...? But why bother yourself with the 'additional questions'...? I can already see OTHER POTENTIAL EXISTING issues even without all the 'problems' you've listed out....?
Regarding your last point... I think it's just a risk you'll have to take? Unless you're willing to BET on the side that he's trustworthy...? But somehow I just fail to see how they can all sum up when you seems to be holding so little faith and trust in him....? If he respect and treasure you enough.. Using the mild method I've mentioned previously and not being 'pushy'... I don't see why he should really be holding it against you?
It's just like a closed can... Would you rather open it now to find out whether it's a can of candies or worms...? Or later to see if it might rot worse if it's a lousy scenerio...? -
I am not raising all the questions in this forum now, i am merely stating, how seeing the papers will not help.Originally posted by Devil1976:Yes... Certainly... We can't deny much of the many 'possibilities' to come.... In fact, if you choose to look at it from a more positive point of view instead.. It could have easily turned to he just bochap and ahead more like he's forced to...? The point I'm making here is not that it should or might even be the other way round... The point is that's exactly my point of address in the 1st place... Get back to this point of yours again later....?
Now... Not that I'm exactly suggesting anything... But up to this day it seems like too many things which he had said have not been verified, and many 'bad news' have been coming up in between... I think the bare minimal you should be doing is to check on how reliable he is at least at this point...? Just a benchmark to know where you're standing now... Because from the way I see it, you're quite totally lost nowhere...
Back to my 1st para's issue... If you're thinking along that line, then I think you're probably not having any of much faith in this relationship and him anyway...? But why bother yourself with the 'additional questions'...? I can already see OTHER POTENTIAL EXISTING issues even without all the 'problems' you've listed out....?
Regarding your last point... I think it's just a risk you'll have to take? Unless you're willing to BET on the side that he's trustworthy...? But somehow I just fail to see how they can all sum up when you seems to be holding so little faith and trust in him....? If he respect and treasure you enough.. Using the mild method I've mentioned previously and not being 'pushy'... I don't see why he should really be holding it against you?
It's just like a closed can... Would you rather open it now to find out whether it's a can of candies or worms...? Or later to see if it might rot worse if it's a lousy scenerio...?
If your gf/bf asks for such docs from you, how would you feel? if me, i would show my partner to ease his mind. but i think such questions would really hurt a person, dont you think so? this kind of things, like jay chou's, for me really shou bu chu kou.
Moreover, we are in a relationship, not court of law. -
I think you've mistaken me... By 'additional questions', I meant this is one of the doubts (?) which you would have to clear somehow at some point of this point before you can really go on and find solutions for your other problems...Originally posted by sggirl07:I am not raising all the questions in this forum now, i am merely stating, how seeing the papers will not help.
If your gf/bf asks for such docs from you, how would you feel? if me, i would show my partner to ease his mind. but i think such questions would really hurt a person, dont you think so? this kind of things, like jay chou's, for me really shou bu chu kou.
Moreover, we are in a relationship, not court of law.
If you ask for document from him, how would he feel? I'm asking you now... How are you feeling now? like I've said, don't demand or push him for it... Use the method I've told you. But if you INSIST that it's a VERY BAD THING to do, then don't do it... Just understand that at the end of the day you're just putting yourself on additional risk factors..
It's nice to know that you care about how he feel and how you seems to treasure this relationship quite alot. But putting yourself under this kinda pressurising relationship without really addressing to your own issues simply would not work things for the better...
It's jay chou's kai bu liao kou.
It's not a matter of court or relationship here.. It's about how you try to deal with your own insecurity without having to compensate too much with his hurt in return.
Right now, you're the one with all the doubts... But yet also the one who refuses to clear things up? Sometimes you just can't have the best of both worlds, especially when things seems so much to your disadvantage now...
And you said you're in a 'relationship'
-
Originally posted by sggirl07:Recently, my boyfriend's separated wife, who is of cohesive terms with him, came to singapore with their son (she is a hongkonger), and obviously, they stayed over at their matrimonial home.
being sensitive to the feelings of his wife and their son, of course we do not meet up often. maybe only once a week.
last night, he told me that he will be going for a traditional family CNY trip with his family, and his wife and their son will be going too. to make my heart sink further, i was told that her family will be joining his family in the trip. her mother has contracted terminal diseases, and this is her last trip, he says. and asked me if that is ok. asking me about something that is goin to stay, and is not goin to change? wat was i supposed to say? i kept quiet.
I am really disturbed by this. and confused too.
Where is the line? Am i being over sensitive or is he just being insensitive?
I supposed it's not a matter of what you could have done or what choice you could have made that could possibly salvage your situation. Frankly speaking, this man spells doubts in bold print to me - I don't understand why people are claiming him as 'honest', when in fact he's actually playing the 'honest wildcard' as a calculated resort when he's left with no choice.
In fact, he has actually deceived her.Originally posted by sggirl07:i knew him for 3 months before we were tog. during the first two dates, i asked him specifically if he was married, he said he is divorced. asked him if he had kids, he said no. Your case reminded me of the frog theory of karmic relationship thesis I wrote in CloUdiSm - When you heat a pot of water till boiling point and throw a frog in it, it will leap out instantaneously. Interestingly, when you put the frog in the pot of water and gradually heat the pot of water, the frog will not escape and instead, allowed itself to be boiled to death.Originally posted by sggirl07:...Where is the line? when is it that i can start saying i am not ok?
i only knew about his wife and seperation after we were together. i said i was ok.
he wife came back with son, and they staying under one roof,
i have to say i am ok.
we cant meet up often (max once a week), and i have to say i am ok.
and now they are goin away for CNY, for an overseas trip, with both sides family, can i be not ok now? This phenomenon is found on you, as quoted by the paragraph you have posted above.
*** Personally, I cannot condone deception on any level, especially when it's proven to be false later on. I think you have contributed a portion of your own plight by suppressing your voice and emotions. It's obvious that he wants to seek out a best of both world solution for himself and because you are able to accept, however reluctant you are, by remaining silence, the advantage goes to his 'separated wife'.
Understanding this, I will talk about the moral conflicts appearing in your case:
Yunhaier believes that Love and Moral has little connection between them. One might argue that it's only morally right to allow him to go on a CNY trip because someone is dying in the house (which could possibly be a lie... nobody really knows) or even put you out of the picture when his son becomes part of the equation.
When you want to love someone, I say hell with external consideration that adds 'no value' to your relationship. Meaning, you do NOT have to put up with considerations that degenerates your overall well being and serve no greater purpose in your relationship - it becomes a choice when you decide to endure, therefore you face the consequence of your choice. Perhaps, it would be the best if you are accepting towards this issue. But if you are unable to, it would be even wiser to cut your loses now before you truly burned out. I hope you do understand that your love is NO way a simple/conventional sort of relationship - it is fraught with difficulties and challenges that promises emotional hardship and torrent of tears. I agree with ChocoB - if you are unable to picture this, then this relationship is probably not for you.
Cheers -
i cant be the only one who is understanding forever.
Understanding needs to be mutual. i cant be forever giving, and him forever taking. this is going to wear me out, so out. wear me out completely. Not that i am not worn out now.
and of course, the above, i had told him. guess what was his reply? no prize for getting it correct. he is tired. he is going to sleep. and he really hung up the phone. the broken pieces of my heart, instantaneously shattered into trillion pieces.
i was surprised that it could break further.
p/s: More things have happened. More disappointments. i tried to be understanding again. i had to be so understanding that i had to console him for the disappointments to me how understanding must one get?
we have spoken of course. he is not going to do anything about it. not even a pacifying action or sweet word. ONly? asked me to continue to be more understanding. -
i have decided to forget this man.
i deserve to be treasured. -
Originally posted by sggirl07:i have decided to forget this man.
i deserve to be treasured. Since you have decided, then back your decision with courage and firm action - do not make it a half-hearted attempt to move on.
/me pat pat.
Cheers -
This you understand very well. Tell the guy you want no more of him. Let this go, slowly. Get back your life as a single when you enjoy all the freedom and such. Know more people and make new friends. Leave BGR issues aside for the time being. You deserve something different from this.Originally posted by sggirl07:i have decided to forget this man.
i deserve to be treasured. -
i think being happy is the most important . imo, i believe u made the choice that would make u happier than now. good luck..
-
Good for you.Originally posted by sggirl07:i have decided to forget this man.
i deserve to be treasured.
Just in case you've forgotten or is having 2nd thought from time to time... You're always WELCOME to come back into this thread to READ and REMIND YOURSELF of the things that had happened.. -
No offence. But giving way and 'understanding' totally blindly sounds more like stupidity to me?Originally posted by sggirl07:i cant be the only one who is understanding forever.
Understanding needs to be mutual. i cant be forever giving, and him forever taking. this is going to wear me out, so out. wear me out completely. Not that i am not worn out now.
and of course, the above, i had told him. guess what was his reply? no prize for getting it correct. he is tired. he is going to sleep. and he really hung up the phone. the broken pieces of my heart, instantaneously shattered into trillion pieces. i was surprised that it could break further.
p/s: More things have happened. More disappointments. i tried to be understanding again. i had to be so understanding that i had to console him for the disappointments to me how understanding must one get?
we have spoken of course. he is not going to do anything about it. not even a pacifying action or sweet word. ONly? asked me to continue to be more understanding. -
Moderator, are you saying i am stupid?Originally posted by Devil1976:No offence. But giving way and 'understanding' totally blindly sounds more like stupidity to me? -
so sad
-
You would be if you repeat your mistakes again...?Originally posted by sggirl07:Moderator, are you saying i am stupid?
Hope you realise your 'freedom' and treasure it.