Where is the line?
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agreed.Originally posted by choco B:If the guy can't handle the pressure of a new girlfriend on top of his ex-marriage , ex-wife and son, he should not get into a relationship in the first place.
If you can't handle a man with a previous marriage , with all the trappings plus maybe some skeletons in his closet, you should not get into this relationship either.
Even if he is the most trustworthy and nice man, someone who will make you happy given the chance, you've got to be stronger and more sensible to make the relationship work. You chose him, you have to adapt.
I don't think you can avoid talking seriously about his past, your insecurities and how to build your relationship. Do it calmly and sensibly, but don't sweep under carpet.
if you try to sweep it under the carpet.... soon you'll find that the carpet can no longer hide the mountain of dirt that has been accumulating... -
i always want to learn about his past and everything about him, but whenever i bring the past up casually even when we are having a happy and relaxed conversation, he will feel stress.Originally posted by choco B:If the guy can't handle the pressure of a new girlfriend on top of his ex-marriage , ex-wife and son, he should not get into a relationship in the first place.
If you can't handle a man with a previous marriage , with all the trappings plus maybe some skeletons in his closet, you should not get into this relationship either.
Even if he is the most trustworthy and nice man, someone who will make you happy given the chance, you've got to be stronger and more sensible to make the relationship work. You chose him, you have to adapt.
I don't think you can avoid talking seriously about his past, your insecurities and how to build your relationship. Do it calmly and sensibly, but don't sweep under carpet.
when i said i kept quiet during the situations, it refers to him telling me 'surprises' that are not so pleasant again and again. -
Do you still love him?
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Why do you ask this?Originally posted by TYING:Do you still love him? -
I know you're trying to be the nice understanding girlfriend who doesn't want to make things difficult for him because of his ex-wife problems
But since he has chosen to be with you he does have to be responsible to you too. He still has to fulfill the very basic criterias like being loyal, honest and open towards you. And therefore it's not wrong for you to tell him that you're not ok. Or you're not happy. Because you're not.
You just try your best lah. Try to engage him in open discussions, convince him that he really should be honest with you about everything so that instead of being a burden, you can help him whole-heartedly.
But if he die-die dowan to cooperate, there's really nothing you can do, I don't see you two working out for long - it depends how long you can bear it. Some guys think the best solution is "can avoid, avoid". They don't understand you have to work at problems together. OR he just doesn't take you seriously as a partner , so he doesn't bother to tell you everything , cos telling means more problems mah - and you reinforce that by being silently accepting.
And seriously, if you think you can never accept that he's someone with ex-wife ex-family who will need his attention occassionally, don't force yourself lah.Originally posted by sggirl07:i always want to learn about his past and everything about him, but whenever i bring the past up casually even when we are having a happy and relaxed conversation, he will feel stress.
when i said i kept quiet during the situations, it refers to him telling me 'surprises' that are not so pleasant again and again. -
*nodOriginally posted by choco B:I know you're trying to be the nice understanding girlfriend who doesn't want to make things difficult for him because of his ex-wife problems
But since he has chosen to be with you he does have to be responsible to you too. He still has to fulfill the very basic criterias like being loyal, honest and open towards you. And therefore it's not wrong for you to tell him that you're not ok. Or you're not happy. Because you're not.
You just try your best lah. Try to engage him in open discussions, convince him that he really should be honest with you about everything so that instead of being a burden, you can help him whole-heartedly.
But if he die-die dowan to cooperate, there's really nothing you can do, I don't see you two working out for long - it depends how long you can bear it. Some guys think the best solution is "can avoid, avoid". They don't understand you have to work at problems together. OR he just doesn't take you seriously as a partner , so he doesn't bother to tell you everything , cos telling means more problems mah - and you reinforce that by being silently accepting.
And seriously, if you think you can never accept that he's someone with ex-wife ex-family who will need his attention occassionally, don't force yourself lah. -
because if you still love him, no matter how much advice is given here, i doubt you will listen, you will just let your heart rule you.Originally posted by sggirl07:Why do you ask this?
ok serious.
Well i mention this is because if you really love him, than i think you should ask him out on those reare occassion and sit down to have a clarification with him. Ask him if he is serious about you, or whether he is just playing about and will eventually leave you and be back with his wife.
Think what you want to ask him and clear your doubts all at once on that day. Remind him that besides his family, he still have you. If the relationship is to continue, he must definitely play his part for this relationship to work out. There is no sound when there is only one hand out there clapping.
This way,
1) You clear doubts tt his serious about you
2) He is committed in this relationship and truly wants this to bear a fruit.
3) you are not gonna waste any more time if he decides not to carry on.
And also regarding the qn whether you really love him is because in the earlier post, you said no, that the relationship will not start if you found out that he his married or not single. In a way, yes, you are being tricked. But at the same time, i suspect that you gradually fall in love with him or that you are just simply not serious.
Pardon me if im too blunt. -
it wont work. he will just avoid the questions.Originally posted by TYING:because if you still love him, no matter how much advice is given here, i doubt you will listen, you will just let your heart rule you. ok serious.
Well i mention this is because if you really love him, than i think you should ask him out on those reare occassion and sit down to have a clarification with him. Ask him if he is serious about you, or whether he is just playing about and will eventually leave you and be back with his wife.
Think what you want to ask him and clear your doubts all at once on that day. Remind him that besides his family, he still have you. If the relationship is to continue, he must definitely play his part for this relationship to work out. There is no sound when there is only one hand out there clapping.
This way,
1) You clear doubts tt his serious about you
2) He is committed in this relationship and truly wants this to bear a fruit.
3) you are not gonna waste any more time if he decides not to carry on.
And also regarding the qn whether you really love him is because in the earlier post, you said no, that the relationship will not start if you found out that he his married or not single. In a way, yes, you are being tricked. But at the same time, i suspect that you gradually fall in love with him or that you are just simply not serious.
Pardon me if im too blunt.
now you know how the insecurities, doubts snowball? -
ok, so do you have any idea of what are you gonna do?Originally posted by sggirl07:it wont work. he will just avoid the questions.
now you know how the insecurities, doubts snowball? -
i am still thinking.Originally posted by TYING:ok, so do you have any idea of what are you gonna do?
i feel that i m climbing a very slippery slope... -
would you think of being apart with him for let say 1 or 2 months and let him settle his family stuff in this period? Cause i think you should not waste your time if he have no intention on giving you your required attention.Originally posted by sggirl07:i am still thinking.
i feel that i m climbing a very slippery slope... -
Will the one or two months period work? as it is, we already have openness and communication barriers. will time solve this problem and all other problems that come along like insecurities and doubts?Originally posted by TYING:would you think of being apart with him for let say 1 or 2 months and let him settle his family stuff in this period? Cause i think you should not waste your time if he have no intention on giving you your required attention. -
Thats the part where he will have to go through. If he truly wants to be with you. i think this amt of time is more than enough to settle those business of his.Originally posted by sggirl07:Will the one or two months period work? as it is, we already have openness and communication barriers. will time solve this problem and all other problems that it comes along like insecurities and doubts?
You definitely cannot live along side with him and his family, its unfair to you, the kid and his wife. Or maybe contact his wife? -
huh?Originally posted by TYING:Thats the part where he will have to go through. If he truly wants to be with you. i think this amt of time is more than enough to settle those business of his.
You definitely cannot live along side with him and his family, its unfair to you, the kid and his wife. Or maybe contact his wife?
i pretend i never read that. -
Honestly, if he had not been so dubious about everything, tell me everything at one shot, i would most likely be able to accept things as they are and wait for the separation process to be completed.Originally posted by TYING:Thats the part where he will have to go through. If he truly wants to be with you. i think this amt of time is more than enough to settle those business of his.
You definitely cannot live along side with him and his family, its unfair to you, the kid and his wife. Or maybe contact his wife?
With him giving bits and pieces of 'surprises' once a week or once every other week, i cant help but think, when will the next bomb be? and what will that be? will i be able to handle it the next time?
i guess like what choco B said, we have a serious problem with open-ness and communication, thereby building lots of insecurity and lack of ease of mind.
i guess like what you say too, it is very hard to carry on a relationship, if one party has no intention in giving the required attention. -
besides this, do you have any other dissatisfication in the relationship or with him?Originally posted by sggirl07:Honestly, if he had not been so dubious about everything, tell me everything at one shot, i would most likely be able to accept things as they are and wait for the separation process to be completed.
With him giving bits and pieces of 'surprises' once a week or once every other week, i cant help but think, when will the next bomb be? and what will that be? will i be able to handle it the next time?
i guess like what choco B said, we have a serious problem with open-ness and communication, thereby building lots of insecurity and lack of ease of mind.
i guess like what you say too, it is very hard to carry on a relationship, if one party has no intention in giving the required attention. -
No. Everything has been described in the thread. why you asking this?Originally posted by TYING:besides this, do you have any other dissatisfication in the relationship or with him? -
nah, if thats the case so that means tt its only this matter that is upsetting you.Originally posted by sggirl07:No. Everything has been described in the thread. why you asking this?
Try out choco's idea, it might work for all you know, give it a try. Even if it fails, its ok, at least you did attempt to save the relationship. -
Lady, are you still unsure what you are doing and what you wanted to do?
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yes, i am. im sorry...Originally posted by Bontakun:Lady, are you still unsure what you are doing and what you wanted to do? -
Don't say sorry. Its understandable the situation you are in. You never actually asked for it. Just that you were not prepared to face this situation at this moment.Originally posted by sggirl07:yes, i am. im sorry...
Maybe you should read the thread all over again. -
yes, i have been re-reading them...Originally posted by Bontakun:Don't say sorry. Its understandable the situation you are in. You never actually asked for it. Just that you were not prepared to face this situation at this moment.
Maybe you should read the thread all over again. -
maybe you could tell us what you might want to do and maybe we could discuss together and see how things workout?
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Originally posted by sggirl07:yea, she is not a local. she is a hongkee. I have never seen the seperation papers if that is what you are asking, what i know is based on what he tells me.
i try to accept it as it as, i really try, i really do. but he is not helping me. now and then, i will get a fresh news, fresh bad news.
first, he is married with a kid, not divorced yet, seperation in progress.
then, she will be here, they will stay in the same house.
next, cant see him often.
then, he is goin for family trip in CNY.
then she will be joining him.
then her family will be joining.
when will this series of bad news end? and we are just talking about big disappointments, not touching other small disappointments. is he so determined in breaking my heart? that one blow after another, my heart aint broken, accepted things as they are, and so he continues to give me new blows?
Hmm.. How old are you by the way...?Originally posted by sggirl07:i just spoke to him. he said he cant think now. he got no solution now. his head is bursting. give him time and he will think of a solution. but what solution can he find?
i told him im very tired of living. im really so tired.
Not asking you to be pushy... But you feel that this relationship is really that important to you... That you're willing to give him the benefit of doubt and accept him despite how uncomfortable you could be feeling about this relationship, then stay with him for now....?
On the other hand, I think it's also only quite fair and important that you don't only address to his needs and issues but neglect your own... Tell him about your own insecurity... Not pushing him for extreme actions as for now, but asking him to let you see his separation deeds as to calm your insecurity for now might be a wise thing to do... It's important to see how he address such issues... I would certainly think that it's unwise of him to totally hide from everything...? If that's the case, how much assurance can you really be getting from this relationship from him?
Calm a bit of 'assurance' from him based on a fair ground... Give him the 'support' he need in return (if you wish to keep this relationship on your own will), to share his thoughts and burdens with him (just listening) to build a better foundation of understanding.... -
People, do you think this is feasible or good for the relationship?Originally posted by Devil1976:Hmm.. How old are you by the way...?
Not asking you to be pushy... But you feel that this relationship is really that important to you... That you're willing to give him the benefit of doubt and accept him despite how uncomfortable you could be feeling about this relationship, then stay with him for now....?
On the other hand, I think it's also only quite fair and important that you don't only address to his needs and issues but neglect your own... Tell him about your own insecurity... Not pushing him for extreme actions as for now, but asking him to let you see his separation deeds as to calm your insecurity for now might be a wise thing to do... It's important to see how he address such issues... I would certainly think that it's unwise of him to totally hide from everything...? If that's the case, how much assurance can you really be getting from this relationship from him?
Calm a bit of 'assurance' from him based on a fair ground... Give him the 'support' he need in return (if you wish to keep this relationship on your own will), to share his thoughts and burdens with him (just listening) to build a better foundation of understanding....