Is she interested or is she not?
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She is the first girl i have spent so much time and effort on, the first girl whom made me summon enough courage to go after her, the first girl who has made me smile just having the thought of her. But she is also the first girl to make me understand how it feels like to be heartbroken.
I fell for her 2 years ago when we were still in the same college. She is 1 year younger than me and i started going after her when i was still in school. For a first-timer like me, i never really knew how to go about developing a friendship with her from scratch. All along, the process of making friends and developing friendships has been a natural/effortless process because of the opportunities that school life has to offer. For this gal, i have to create opportunities in order to get to know her.
It has taken me tremendous amount of courage and effort to sms her, ask her out, plan the date, and to win over her heart. However, i am not able to communicate with her well due to the overwhelming emotions that overcome me when i'm with her. I was rejected once by her that year because she felt that we do not know each other well enough. But she also hinted that she is not completely uninterested. For another year, i stop contacting her for fear of affecting her studies. This year, i decided to take actions again.
I asked her out a few times and there were times i felt we were close, but there was also times i felt uncomfortable around her. However, i decided to ask her again, this time she still gave a similar answer. I tried pushing for a more definite answer and she said it would be a 'no' if i insist. I do not know what's she's really thinking. All along, i was mainly the one who initiate opportunities for us to get closer, if she were also interested, wouldnt she also want to take the initiative to get to know me more? However, she doesnt reject me when i try to date her out. So is she interested or is she not? Shld i spend anymore time on her? -
Friend, I used to have the same problem as you. Maybe you should just wait and see. Don't rush into things. It takes time to understand someone. The reason why she said she don't know you well enough is partly because of the way you both of you know each other. You guys lack mutual friends. Get to know her friends and introduce your friends to her as well. Trust is the key and needs to be build up slowly.
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its more like saying u r not the level she wanted yet... so improve urself in communication and socio without the thought of chasing her... u should do mroe work b4 ur 3rd time asking her... jz remember theres nothing to lose so jz relax n socio around n jz wif her....Originally posted by Ray87:She is the first girl i have spent so much time and effort on, the first girl whom made me summon enough courage to go after her, the first girl who has made me smile just having the thought of her. But she is also the first girl to make me understand how it feels like to be heartbroken.
I fell for her 2 years ago when we were still in the same college. She is 1 year younger than me and i started going after her when i was still in school. For a first-timer like me, i never really knew how to go about developing a friendship with her from scratch. All along, the process of making friends and developing friendships has been a natural/effortless process because of the opportunities that school life has to offer. For this gal, i have to create opportunities in order to get to know her.
It has taken me tremendous amount of courage and effort to sms her, ask her out, plan the date, and to win over her heart. However, i am not able to communicate with her well due to the overwhelming emotions that overcome me when i'm with her. I was rejected once by her that year because she felt that we do not know each other well enough. But she also hinted that she is not completely uninterested. For another year, i stop contacting her for fear of affecting her studies. This year, i decided to take actions again.
I asked her out a few times and there were times i felt we were close, but there was also times i felt uncomfortable around her. However, i decided to ask her again, this time she still gave a similar answer. I tried pushing for a more definite answer and she said it would be a 'no' if i insist. I do not know what's she's really thinking. All along, i was mainly the one who initiate opportunities for us to get closer, if she were also interested, wouldnt she also want to take the initiative to get to know me more? However, she doesnt reject me when i try to date her out. So is she interested or is she not? Shld i spend anymore time on her? -
Maybe she just sees u as a great friend,nothing else.
Dun think too much. -
From my experience.. r/s cannot be rushed.. since u have already put in alot of effort n time.. wat's abit more? Go slow but smooth..
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sianz. How i wish I got a girl friend. pity you
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im so glad to know that there's someone who has been through similar experience as me. So what happened to the both of u eventually?Originally posted by lagrangen:Friend, I used to have the same problem as you. Maybe you should just wait and see. Don't rush into things. It takes time to understand someone. The reason why she said she don't know you well enough is partly because of the way you both of you know each other. You guys lack mutual friends. Get to know her friends and introduce your friends to her as well. Trust is the key and needs to be build up slowly. -
not interested
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not interested but probably cos shes not attached, might as well give you some chance, but i think shes not into you.
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Ray
You might have made 2 mistakes.
Emotional involvement
The person who is less emotionally involved dictates and chooses. She has control over you right from the start.
Do you know why there are times when you simply cannot be yourself when you go out with her?
Because you are going out on a date with her as if your happiness depends on how the date goes.
In the early stage, emotional involvement led to pressure. The more you are stressed out about her feelings, the more you are likely to fail.
Your disappearance for one year
My speculation is that there was something else you feared. You feared of doing the wrong things.Originally posted by Ray87:But she also hinted that she is not completely uninterested. For another year, i stop contacting her for fear of affecting her studies. This year, i decided to take actions again.
When she hinted she is not completely uninterested, she left you in a difficult situation.
You are worried that doing the wrong things might blow your chances with her and make her turn the other way. For some time, you did not know how to proceed in this delicate situation.
The only problem is this :
What have you have been doing in the one year?
You never really stopped investing in her!
During that one year, you continue to invest a lot of time thinking about her. You became even more emotionally involved.
Her desires and obligation
Right now, she is torn between 2 choices:
Wait for love
She wants to be following her attraction and desires.
Over the course of time, she has grown to realise that the person who can give her all that is probably not you.
So she prefers to wait.
Succumb to her conscience
Accept someone who did not succeed in cultivating her attraction.
Accept you on the basis of her sense of fair play and feelings of obligation towards you who have tried so hard to make things happen.
What you can do now
The situation you are in reminds me of the game of tennis.
The rule of the game is simple. You hit the ball to her and wait for her to hit it back.
But you are impatient for her response.
When she is not hitting the ball back quick enough for you, you decided to hit more balls to her.
An impatient man is not a good tennis player.
A better approach is to hit the ball and wait. A good tennis game consists of back and forth exchanges.
DonÂ’t leave the pitch suddenly like what you did in the past.
DonÂ’t throw more balls at her like what you are doing now.
The only thing you can do now is to simply hit the ball to her and wait.
But my suspicion is that she has already made up her mind that playing tennis with you is a daunting task.
She may decide to leave the pitch for good.
Think about it. -
yes she is interested but still feel the need to you to understand her more and for her to understand you more
if you keep forcing her she won't feel comfortable with you around -
curiousorange, when it comes to initiating a sms chat, i have the patience to wait for her to hit the ball back, and she does hit it back sometimes.
But when it comes to phone chat, she has never hit the ball back. When it comes to asking one another out, she will only ask me out if i suggest/hint her of an opportunity that exist, else she won't take the initiative. So how can i resolve this? -
let nature takes its course la ray...
maybe u can try the playin hard to get method? jus dun care abt her, n see if she craves attention frm u. -
Originally posted by curiousOrange:
This analogy wouldn't hold if you were Roger Federer...
What you can do now
The situation you are in reminds me of the game of tennis.
The rule of the game is simple. You hit the ball to her and wait for her to hit it back.
But you are impatient for her response.
When she is not hitting the ball back quick enough for you, you decided to hit more balls to her.
An impatient man is not a good tennis player.
A better approach is to hit the ball and wait. A good tennis game consists of back and forth exchanges.
DonÂ’t leave the pitch suddenly like what you did in the past.
DonÂ’t throw more balls at her like what you are doing now.
The only thing you can do now is to simply hit the ball to her and wait.
But my suspicion is that she has already made up her mind that playing tennis with you is a daunting task.
She may decide to leave the pitch for good.
Think about it.
[/b] -
Personally, I don't think she sees a romantic future with you.Originally posted by Ray87:She is the first girl i have spent so much time and effort on, the first girl whom made me summon enough courage to go after her, the first girl who has made me smile just having the thought of her. But she is also the first girl to make me understand how it feels like to be heartbroken.
I fell for her 2 years ago when we were still in the same college. She is 1 year younger than me and i started going after her when i was still in school. For a first-timer like me, i never really knew how to go about developing a friendship with her from scratch. All along, the process of making friends and developing friendships has been a natural/effortless process because of the opportunities that school life has to offer. For this gal, i have to create opportunities in order to get to know her.
It has taken me tremendous amount of courage and effort to sms her, ask her out, plan the date, and to win over her heart. However, i am not able to communicate with her well due to the overwhelming emotions that overcome me when i'm with her. I was rejected once by her that year because she felt that we do not know each other well enough. But she also hinted that she is not completely uninterested. For another year, i stop contacting her for fear of affecting her studies. This year, i decided to take actions again.
I asked her out a few times and there were times i felt we were close, but there was also times i felt uncomfortable around her. However, i decided to ask her again, this time she still gave a similar answer. I tried pushing for a more definite answer and she said it would be a 'no' if i insist. I do not know what's she's really thinking. All along, i was mainly the one who initiate opportunities for us to get closer, if she were also interested, wouldnt she also want to take the initiative to get to know me more? However, she doesnt reject me when i try to date her out. So is she interested or is she not? Shld i spend anymore time on her? Whether you should continue investing any more time on her is entirely up to you though... -
I do not know the answer..follow your heart and if you still love her..then go all out for her
The woman heart is deeper than the ocean..you never know
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Hey Im sorry to say this on CNY. It seems to me, she is waiting for someone more eligible than you to sweep her off her feet. If you need to try very hard to get her to become your girlfriend, it's definitely not going to work. From the way you described, seems that you really worked your socks off, planning your dates, trying to make it perfect.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that if a guy better looking than you, or more qualified than you comes along, she very well might end up with that guy and you will just become her good friend.
Now she's like a celebrity and you are her fan, have you ever seen a celebrity get together with her fan??? If she said, no, just let it go. Just like someone said earlier, go improve yourself in other areas. Now it's probably not the place and time for the two of you to work out. You must get rid of that kind of mentality that she is the love of your life, or your soul mate, without her you will be incomplete. Many girls out there can be the right girl for you, many girls can also make you happy.
It is sad but true, many girls look at guys based on their potentials, or what they already have. Things like wealth, looks, profession, social status. If the girl you are after is the sort you would classify as glamourous, classy, she probably has those sort of friends who are like that. And when they go out on their ladies lunches in their cute, expensive, fashionable outfits. They want to be talking about how successful their bfs are. If you can't even become a positive conversation topic for her, how are you going to become her boyfriend???
There are not many girls out there who look at guys for what they are inside, I really think such girls are the real treasures. If you ever come across one, seize the day. -
She told you exactly that she rejected you BECAUSE you do not know each other well enough?Originally posted by Ray87:It has taken me tremendous amount of courage and effort to sms her, ask her out, plan the date, and to win over her heart. However, i am not able to communicate with her well due to the overwhelming emotions that overcome me when i'm with her. I was rejected once by her that year because she felt that we do not know each other well enough.
But she also hinted that she is not completely uninterested.
How she hinted that?
For another year, i stop contacting her for fear of affecting her studies. This year, i decided to take actions again.
The year which you stopped contacting her, which year of what study level she's at?
I asked her out a few times and there were times i felt we were close,
What makes you think so?
but there was also times i felt uncomfortable around her.
Why so?
However, i decided to ask her again, this time she still gave a similar answer. I tried pushing for a more definite answer and she said it would be a 'no' if i insist. I do not know what's she's really thinking. All along, i was mainly the one who initiate opportunities for us to get closer, if she were also interested, wouldnt she also want to take the initiative to get to know me more? However, she doesnt reject me when i try to date her out. So is she interested or is she not? Shld i spend anymore time on her?
What sort of 'date'? Just you and her...?
Do you think you should be spending more time on her? -
Could this just be her nature? That she's really such a phone chatter and doesn't really have the habit of initiating dates in the 1st place?Originally posted by Ray87:curiousorange, when it comes to initiating a sms chat, i have the patience to wait for her to hit the ball back, and she does hit it back sometimes.
But when it comes to phone chat, she has never hit the ball back. When it comes to asking one another out, she will only ask me out if i suggest/hint her of an opportunity that exist, else she won't take the initiative. So how can i resolve this? -
Originally posted by Devil1976:
She told you exactly that she rejected you BECAUSE you do not know each other well enough?
First time she said she's rather shock and said why not we get to know each other better first. second time, she said she need time to consider, subsequently she kept prompting me to answer the question 'how much i know about her', and that eventually led to her saying we are not comfortable with each other in terms of communications yet and we dont know each other well enough.
But she also hinted that she is not completely uninterested
How she hinted that?
She said, why not we get to know each other better first?
For another year, i stop contacting her for fear of affecting her studies. This year, i decided to take actions again.
The year which you stopped contacting her, which year of what study level she's at?
Jc 2
I asked her out a few times and there were times i felt we were close,
What makes you think so?
Magical feeling u get when conversation is interesting and continuous.
but there was also times i felt uncomfortable around her
Why so?
Due to awkward silence and lack of topic
However, i decided to ask her again, this time she still gave a similar answer. I tried pushing for a more definite answer and she said it would be a 'no' if i insist. I do not know what's she's really thinking. All along, i was mainly the one who initiate opportunities for us to get closer, if she were also interested, wouldnt she also want to take the initiative to get to know me more? However, she doesnt reject me when i try to date her out. So is she interested or is she not? Shld i spend anymore time on her?
What sort of 'date'? Just you and her...?
Ya
Do you think you should be spending more time on her?
no, but its hard to let go unless i know its completely futile to hang on -
RayOriginally posted by Ray87:curiousorange, when it comes to initiating a sms chat, i have the patience to wait for her to hit the ball back, and she does hit it back sometimes.
But when it comes to phone chat, she has never hit the ball back. When it comes to asking one another out, she will only ask me out if i suggest/hint her of an opportunity that exist, else she won't take the initiative. So how can i resolve this?
That tennis game analogy was not meant to tell you specifically what you must/must not do.
If I suggest guidelines on how you must communicate and react in specific situations, I might as well ask you to be an actor. That person will not be you.
And you will not be happy even if she responds. That defeat the purpose doesnÂ’t it?
You want to be happy.
Given the situation you are in right now, I can suggest two ways to get what you want.
Hit the ball and wait
You have already declared your interest. She did not hit the ball back. But you are reluctant to leave the tennis pitch right now.
DonÂ’t hit more balls to her. One confession is more than enough.
Like what I said in my previous post, she is torn between 2 options. We donÂ’t really know which option she will choose. What else is there left for you to do? You have to wait.
Patience is essential if you are hoping to build attraction and interest. You have to allow time for things to grow.
Patience does not mean trying to mould into something she wants while you wait.
You remember what I mentioned about her having control over you right from the start? The other half of that story is this; no one can control you unless you allow him or her to.
Patience certainly does not mean trying to get into her head.
She is meant to be loved, not understood. You will be wasting precious time over-analyzing and getting too emotionally involved. That is how you can lose control.
While you wait, find other holds of happiness.
Once you can achieve that, you will find it easier to set your own pace in this game.
Play squash rather than tennis
I find myself playing squash nowadays.
If I hit the ball towards the wall the right way, I will always get the response I want.
Instead of build attraction, pick a woman who has high interest in you.
In this game of squash, we eliminate the hassle of waiting.
To be in a position to pick, self improvement and social improvement are the only factors we work on.
We “buy” attraction. We don’t build it.
IÂ’m sorry to disappoint you if you are looking for something specific.
I hope by reading this post. You will realize what you are actually looking for all this while.
Happiness is what that matters.
Good luck. -
You know how young the two of you are or not? I agree with her to be "not interested" but "not totally not interested".Originally posted by Ray87:She is the first girl i have spent so much time and effort on, the first girl whom made me summon enough courage to go after her, the first girl who has made me smile just having the thought of her. But she is also the first girl to make me understand how it feels like to be heartbroken.
I fell for her 2 years ago when we were still in the same college. She is 1 year younger than me and i started going after her when i was still in school. For a first-timer like me, i never really knew how to go about developing a friendship with her from scratch. All along, the process of making friends and developing friendships has been a natural/effortless process because of the opportunities that school life has to offer. For this gal, i have to create opportunities in order to get to know her.
It has taken me tremendous amount of courage and effort to sms her, ask her out, plan the date, and to win over her heart. However, i am not able to communicate with her well due to the overwhelming emotions that overcome me when i'm with her. I was rejected once by her that year because she felt that we do not know each other well enough. But she also hinted that she is not completely uninterested. For another year, i stop contacting her for fear of affecting her studies. This year, i decided to take actions again.
I asked her out a few times and there were times i felt we were close, but there was also times i felt uncomfortable around her. However, i decided to ask her again, this time she still gave a similar answer. I tried pushing for a more definite answer and she said it would be a 'no' if i insist. I do not know what's she's really thinking. All along, i was mainly the one who initiate opportunities for us to get closer, if she were also interested, wouldnt she also want to take the initiative to get to know me more? However, she doesnt reject me when i try to date her out. So is she interested or is she not? Shld i spend anymore time on her?
Just continue to develop the friendship and enjoy the friendship and things will proceed naturally when she is ready. -
Originally posted by curiousOrange:
you have given me very enlightening perspectives, esp when you say she is meant to be loved, not understood. thank you so much.
Ray
That tennis game analogy was not meant to tell you specifically what you must/must not do.
If I suggest guidelines on how you must communicate and react in specific situations, I might as well ask you to be an actor. [b]That person will not be you.
And you will not be happy even if she responds. That defeat the purpose doesnÂ’t it?
You want to be happy.
Given the situation you are in right now, I can suggest two ways to get what you want.
Hit the ball and wait
You have already declared your interest. She did not hit the ball back. But you are reluctant to leave the tennis pitch right now.
DonÂ’t hit more balls to her. One confession is more than enough.
Like what I said in my previous post, she is torn between 2 options. We donÂ’t really know which option she will choose. What else is there left for you to do? You have to wait.
Patience is essential if you are hoping to build attraction and interest. You have to allow time for things to grow.
Patience does not mean trying to mould into something she wants while you wait.
You remember what I mentioned about her having control over you right from the start? The other half of that story is this; no one can control you unless you allow him or her to.
Patience certainly does not mean trying to get into her head.
She is meant to be loved, not understood. You will be wasting precious time over-analyzing and getting too emotionally involved. That is how you can lose control.
While you wait, find other holds of happiness.
Once you can achieve that, you will find it easier to set your own pace in this game.
Play squash rather than tennis
I find myself playing squash nowadays.
If I hit the ball towards the wall the right way, I will always get the response I want.
Instead of build attraction, pick a woman who has high interest in you.
In this game of squash, we eliminate the hassle of waiting.
To be in a position to pick, self improvement and social improvement are the only factors we work on.
We “buy” attraction. We don’t build it.
IÂ’m sorry to disappoint you if you are looking for something specific.
I hope by reading this post. You will realize what you are actually looking for all this while.
Happiness is what that matters.
Good luck.
[/b] -
Ray,
The advices provided by the other forumers above are good advices.
I would like to add one more, the SECRET to solve your problem.
You are still young and thats why so hooked up on her, thinking that she is the ONLY one. And thats why you are so sad. I have been through your situation and felt how you felt. I have spent day and night thinking of "her", gotten all excited when I received her phone, etc etc. It took me some years to realised that those feelings are bullshit waste of time. Yes I am still guilty of it once in a while but now, I never let that shitty feeling linger for more than 1 day cos I know the SECRET, which is....
THERE ARE PLENTY OF GIRLS OUT THERE!
Why limit yourself to chasing ONLY one girl???
Be interested in more than one girl!
When you gained the ability to be interested in multiple girls at the same time, you will feel less hurt when you kana rejected by one.
Think of it in another way. If that girl can date many guys, why can't you date many girls?
Of cos easier said than done. You have to internalised that secret first before you feel any better.
Go go go!
Gong xi fa cai -
Originally posted by lagrangen:Friend, I used to have the same problem as you. Maybe you should just wait and see. Don't rush into things. It takes time to understand someone. The reason why she said she don't know you well enough is partly because of the way you both of you know each other. You guys lack mutual friends. Get to know her friends and introduce your friends to her as well. Trust is the key and needs to be build up slowly.