Relationship problems.. What should i do???
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5 years is 5 years. A relationship is not judged by the duration. It is judged by the quality - effort, emotions invested in a r/s.Originally posted by mystee:i have a 5 years r/s.. not sure if u think is long enough or if is serious or not..
who duno that break up need courage & heart will be very pain pain?
& did we ever say break up.. can immediately break ah? of cos it takes time & consideration... & many other factors....
but now.. obviously TS's bf is someone who is not advisable to stay with for long.. and so we are giving her advise on what we think will be the best route for her.. but of cos, in the end, she will still have to decide for herself..
True TS b/f seems more like a self-centered person. But how can you be so sure TS herself does not deserve this kind of treatment from her b/f ?
My question is ofcus,
1.Is she a good girlfriend ?
2. Did she herself make it a point to make her b/f feel special ?
3. Is she as selfless as what she wants her b/f to be ?
There is always 2 sides to a coin.
Perhaps, her b/f is already sick of her.
Perhaps, her b/f is just waiting to jump ship. but don't have the courage to call it quits ? Many men are like this you know. They rather do shitty things to the g/f so that the g/f calls it off themself. This method is use when the male wants to avoid a dramatic meltdown.
Maybe, just maybe, TS does deserve this kinda b/f ?? -
Wahlau, what you mean by that sentence is 'Bo hee hei or hor?" (No fish prawn also can do?) You think the gal 'broken goods' ah? In the end hor the guy and the gal will add to the statistic of divorce rate in SingaporeOriginally posted by jojobeach:Those people who encourage to breakup, obviously have not been through a serious relationship before.
You think say break up , immediately can break up ah ??
bf/gf not puppy dogs ok ?
After investing 1 year of time, effort and money, heart will be very pain pain to let go ok !!
I can understand your feeling TS, been through done that.
Ask yourself if he is really worth it or not ?
Or would it be better to cut your loss and seek greener pastures ??
Do you think you will be able to find a better guy than this cheater ??
If you don't think you deserve a better guy, then go ahead and hold on.
If you do think you deserve better one.. start looking.
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Look for a bf that remember your birthday....
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I'll tell you why he's holding on to the r/s with you - Becoz he knows that you will never let go of him. So he goes to have his flings and when he's had enough, he'll just return to be with you. Kinda like treating you as a hotel lor.........
He's simply trating you as a convenient security blanket and nothing else. He has no plans to share his life with you!
And you are the sucker clinging on to him! Chang tong bu ru duan tong......! Dump this scum bf of yours!!
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Scare me leh. So direct, cuts into the heart you know....Originally posted by jojobeach:Fling is a word men use to explain/excuse their cheating ways.
Fling means, no emotion just physical.
Fling means, the female partner cannot satisfy some needs of their male partner, therefore, the male partner seeks out other females capable of fulfilling that need.
Flings ultimately means, it's really nothing between me and her. I still love you.
So in this case, TS, I can understand why you are so adament about letting go of the relationship. Because you believe your man still loves you, therefore he did not leave you.
But will a man who truly loves his partner do such hurtful things and expect to be forgiven with the word "fling" and a big present ??? I see it purely as manipulation. And some women LIKES being manipulated.
So TS, ..perhaps you are not good enough for your bf, that's why he is seeking pleasure else where.
My suggestion to many people is , find a partner that is COMPATIBLE.
Do you think you and your partner is compatible ??? -
my wife says that if she catches me with another woman, even just once, she will kick me out of her life.Originally posted by endlessSorrow~~:I don't understand.. Is there really such a thing as "insensitivity"? My bf din't remember my last birthday, and din't buy anything for me on our 1st anniversary, etc..
All these i don't really mind, but last X'mas, he gave me a really big present: I found out from his sms that he had been having a fling outside. I confronted him n he confessed that he met up with this girl for 3 times, each time paying her money. I forgave him as I really love him alot but I had been through alot of emotional stress.. Insecurity, being paranoid, and I've always been finding faults with him..
We've been together for a year already, i really dunno what to do?! both holding on n letting go hurt me n I dunno why is he holding on to it either What'd u do if u were me?? Do u think that such a guy can be trusted again??
So what do you think?
seriously, dump him, coz he is not appreciative of you.
Pain is a process in which is necessary in order for us to grow up. When you find another guy, you will be better at handling relationships. -
well, its indeed true that most of the time, we never self-reflect on ourselves and see whether we have done anything wrong, and instead go ard accusing othersOriginally posted by jojobeach:5 years is 5 years. A relationship is not judged by the duration. It is judged by the quality - effort, emotions invested in a r/s.
True TS b/f seems more like a self-centered person. But how can you be so sure TS herself does not deserve this kind of treatment from her b/f ?
My question is ofcus,
1.Is she a good girlfriend ?
2. Did she herself make it a point to make her b/f feel special ?
3. Is she as selfless as what she wants her b/f to be ?
There is always 2 sides to a coin.
Perhaps, her b/f is already sick of her.
Perhaps, her b/f is just waiting to jump ship. but don't have the courage to call it quits ? Many men are like this you know. They rather do shitty things to the g/f so that the g/f calls it off themself. This method is use when the male wants to avoid a dramatic meltdown.
Maybe, just maybe, TS does deserve this kinda b/f ??
but since the fling has happened, and the guy behaves like that, this relationship is as good as over, and both parties should reflect on the problems faced in this r/s, and learnt from it. -
Do understand that there are women/men with low self-esteem.Originally posted by FocusPoint:Wahlau, what you mean by that sentence is 'Bo hee hei or hor?" (No fish prawn also can do?) You think the gal 'broken goods' ah? In the end hor the guy and the gal will add to the statistic of divorce rate in Singapore
They do not feel they are deserving of better partners, therefore they stay with their current poopy ones.
Infact, some of these kinda low self-esteem people do try to find "better" ones, but they always end up with another loser. Because they look for people who matches their low self esteem. See the cycle ??
So that's why if TS has low self esteem, then best to stick to the same guy, because she probably will find another same calibre poopy guy even if she lets go of the current one. -
Originally posted by endlessSorrow~~:I don't understand.. Is there really such a thing as "insensitivity"? My bf din't remember my last birthday, and din't buy anything for me on our 1st anniversary, etc..
All these i don't really mind, but last X'mas, he gave me a really big present: I found out from his sms that he had been having a fling outside. I confronted him n he confessed that he met up with this girl for 3 times, each time paying her money. I forgave him as I really love him alot but I had been through alot of emotional stress.. Insecurity, being paranoid, and I've always been finding faults with him..
We've been together for a year already, i really dunno what to do?! both holding on n letting go hurt me n I dunno why is he holding on to it either What'd u do if u were me?? Do u think that such a guy can be trusted again?? 
Tell me about how you got together with him; namely the incidents leading to it, how he chase you, the length of chase, etc.
Cheers -
Stick to the present poopy one because she has low self-esteem? Do you know by sticking to such a one it will even erode her self-esteem more. Instead of doing her good it will even lead to more harm.Originally posted by jojobeach:Do understand that there are women/men with low self-esteem.
They do not feel they are deserving of better partners, therefore they stay with their current poopy ones.
Infact, some of these kinda low self-esteem people do try to find "better" ones, but they always end up with another loser. Because they look for people who matches their low self esteem. See the cycle ??
So that's why if TS has low self esteem, then best to stick to the same guy, because she probably will find another same calibre poopy guy even if she lets go of the current one.
You said it yourself if the woman is of low self-esteem, the chances of her to go look for another better one is almost close to nil. Most likely she will only sit, wait hope or pray for a better one to come along, which is another impossible probablity.
And also by sticking to the poopy guy while go in search for another one, don't you think you are also asking her to be just like her poopy present one? What? Qi niu zhao ma?
Sorrylah your argument or reasoning is too weak. -
1st... u are the one who stated that 1 year r/s... u think give up can give up ah..Originally posted by jojobeach:5 years is 5 years. A relationship is not judged by the duration. It is judged by the quality - effort, emotions invested in a r/s.
True TS b/f seems more like a self-centered person. But how can you be so sure TS herself does not deserve this kind of treatment from her b/f ?
My question is ofcus,
1.Is she a good girlfriend ?
2. Did she herself make it a point to make her b/f feel special ?
3. Is she as selfless as what she wants her b/f to be ?
There is always 2 sides to a coin.
Perhaps, her b/f is already sick of her.
Perhaps, her b/f is just waiting to jump ship. but don't have the courage to call it quits ? Many men are like this you know. They rather do shitty things to the g/f so that the g/f calls it off themself.This method is use when the male wants to avoid a dramatic meltdown.
Maybe, just maybe, TS does deserve this kinda b/f ??
2nd... u are the one who stated.. those who ask her to break up dont have a long serious r/s...
from this 2 things u mentioned above.. i replied by saying i have a 5 years r/s... i have gone thru long distance r/s within this 5 years with the same person... & a lot more which i feel is pointless to stated over this. Whether one have put in effort or not.. only him /herself knew the best. All i can say is, the longer u stay in a r/s.. is harder to maintain it..
TS has stated too... she duno y her bf wanted to keep this r/s... (if u carefully read what she have posted instead of pinpointing on other forumites advises.)
In the end, she is still the one who know if she deserve to be with this guy or not..or to take/not to whoever advise here. -
Actually no point in fighting to advise her whether to dump her bf her not.Originally posted by jojobeach:Do understand that there are women/men with low self-esteem.
They do not feel they are deserving of better partners, therefore they stay with their current poopy ones.
Infact, some of these kinda low self-esteem people do try to find "better" ones, but they always end up with another loser. Because they look for people who matches their low self esteem. See the cycle ??
So that's why if TS has low self esteem, then best to stick to the same guy, because she probably will find another same calibre poopy guy even if she lets go of the current one.
The answer is very clear she would not!
Why if she wants to dump she will not find so much excuses for him.
Why keep on asking us whether to quit or not when her actions shows that she wants to stay on with her bf.
My guess is this, her bf must be those handsome, good looking types or rich typers. Thats the main reason why she do not want to dump him.
If you do not believe it then change the story, to a normal looking and average guy. Sure kena dump asap.
There are good guys out there but many are only average people you see outside. The question to girls, how many are willig to accept them? -
Mystee,Originally posted by mystee:1st... u are the one who stated that 1 year r/s... u think give up can give up ah..
2nd... u are the one who stated.. those who ask her to break up dont have a long serious r/s...
from this 2 things u mentioned above.. i replied by saying i have a 5 years r/s... i have gone thru long distance r/s within this 5 years with the same person... & a lot more which i feel is pointless to stated over this. Whether one have put in effort or not.. only him /herself knew the best. All i can say is, the longer u stay in a r/s.. is harder to maintain it..
TS has stated too... she duno y her bf wanted to keep this r/s... (if u carefully read what she have posted instead of pinpointing on other forumites advises.)
In the end, she is still the one who know if she deserve to be with this guy or not..or to take/not to whoever advise here.
OK. so within this 5 year LONG distance relationship. How much of it is spent TOGETHER ??
I can have a 10 year relationship but only spent 2 years together, is that call a QUALITY r/s ???
I am not here to preach about " How to be a saint" nor "How to be the perfect human".. I merely state the reality, matter of fact and based on REAL life.
Neither am I here to decide for TS if she should or should not leave the b/f.
Stating the facts so that she may see the truth herself. Is that wrong ? -
Huh.. so fierce one ah ?Originally posted by soul_rage:my wife says that if she catches me with another woman, even just once, she will kick me out of her life.
So what do you think?
seriously, dump him, coz he is not appreciative of you.
Pain is a process in which is necessary in order for us to grow up. When you find another guy, you will be better at handling relationships.
Then if she cheats on you leh ? Will you forgive her ? -
Please lor, you think a person who don't think he/she deserve a better person but end up marrying a better person will not divorce meh ???Originally posted by FocusPoint:Wahlau, what you mean by that sentence is 'Bo hee hei or hor?" (No fish prawn also can do?) You think the gal 'broken goods' ah? In the end hor the guy and the gal will add to the statistic of divorce rate in Singapore
There are many people whom married above them ended up with divorce ok.
If you are a hei, please marry a hei.
If you are a hee, please marry a hee.
Simple as that lah.
If you are a hei and you marry a hee. You think the marriage will be a happy one?? -
Hi endlessSorrow,Originally posted by endlessSorrow~~:I don't understand.. Is there really such a thing as "insensitivity"? My bf din't remember my last birthday, and din't buy anything for me on our 1st anniversary, etc..
All these i don't really mind, but last X'mas, he gave me a really big present: I found out from his sms that he had been having a fling outside. I confronted him n he confessed that he met up with this girl for 3 times, each time paying her money. I forgave him as I really love him alot but I had been through alot of emotional stress.. Insecurity, being paranoid, and I've always been finding faults with him..
We've been together for a year already, i really dunno what to do?! both holding on n letting go hurt me n I dunno why is he holding on to it either What'd u do if u were me?? Do u think that such a guy can be trusted again??
When a guy is sweet on you, he usually remembers little details about your life including birthdays. Then again it could be a personality thing. Some of us are just a tad more careless with these things.
That isn't the real issue here. Try not to forgive betrayal even if it's biological (for men to enjoy sexual pleasures without emotions) because in this case, when your man sleeps with another behind your back (repeatedly) this means he thinks you, as a woman, is willing to put up with shit.
And when you put up with shit, you can forget about him ever respecting you as a woman.
Having said that, you probably dig him too much for your own good. The way I see it, there are 3 ways out of this solution:
Make him pay you for the sex and tell him to find someone else for the affection and loving you have been showering him with.
(Please don't begin moralizing strongly against this idea, this is just my opinion because she needs 3 things, gifts, sex and affection and with his limited resources, endlessSorrow might as well get away with just 2 and be pleasantly surprised at how well reverse psychology works on jerks like him)
Sit him down and let him know your thoughts as a woman. Like any other female on earth, you can only be in a relationship with him and get physical knowing it is monogamous. Think about how much risk he is putting you in. Emotional, physical and mental. If he refuses, leave him. If he pays you lip service (no pun intended) but your gut tells you other wise, leave him.
If I were you, I would tell him that I need some space to think it over. Go traveling with my girlfriends, hook up a beautiful vacation fling. Come back feeling life is very beautiful and then leave him. There will always be another guy around the corner.
What's important is your level of comfort as a woman. Knowing what you want and being unafraid of wanting what is only fair. Some men cannot be changed. If it is in his nature to sleep around, don't sit it out hoping he will stop because he never will and it ain't your problem. The most relationship anyone must firstly have is the one with themselves. Cheer up. -
B4 marriage is liddat, after marriage will be worst. This is a common mistake that only time can tell. I suggest to go for inner beauty rather than looking at his appearance and $$, that will make a r/s to last longer.
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*shrugs* I will.Originally posted by jojobeach:Huh.. so fierce one ah ?
Then if she cheats on you leh ? Will you forgive her ?
I don't know if you are a guy or a gal, but I do understand now that man and woman are not equal. Gals are more possessive, but its also their way of loving us.
As a guy, there's no need to compare about fairness. Each of us loves the other in our own ways, as long as we are happy, that's what's most impt. -
So are guys not as possessive than gals ?Originally posted by soul_rage:*shrugs* I will.
I don't know if you are a guy or a gal, but I do understand now that man and woman are not equal. Gals are more possessive, but its also their way of loving us.
As a guy, there's no need to compare about fairness. Each of us loves the other in our own ways, as long as we are happy, that's what's most impt.
You will truly, sincerely forgive her?
Even after you know she slept with another man ?
Even after you know some other man touched her body ?
Even after you know she finds pleasure in other rather than you?
That after all, your love will not diminish ?? -
You have to much sorrow...
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since u are so interested to know, within my 5 years r/s.. other than the 1 year, he is aboard.. we meetup at least 5 days per week together..Originally posted by jojobeach:Mystee,
OK. so within this 5 year LONG distance relationship. How much of it is spent TOGETHER ??
I can have a 10 year relationship but only spent 2 years together, is that call a QUALITY r/s ???
I am not here to preach about " How to be a saint" nor "How to be the perfect human".. I merely state the reality, matter of fact and based on REAL life.
Neither am I here to decide for TS if she should or should not leave the b/f.
Stating the facts so that she may see the truth herself. Is that wrong ? -
Will she listern to your advice?Originally posted by jojobeach:Fling is a word men use to explain/excuse their cheating ways.
Fling means, no emotion just physical.
Fling means, the female partner cannot satisfy some needs of their male partner, therefore, the male partner seeks out other females capable of fulfilling that need.
Flings ultimately means, it's really nothing between me and her. I still love you.
So in this case, TS, I can understand why you are so adament about letting go of the relationship. Because you believe your man still loves you, therefore he did not leave you.
But will a man who truly loves his partner do such hurtful things and expect to be forgiven with the word "fling" and a big present ??? I see it purely as manipulation. And some women LIKES being manipulated.
So TS, ..perhaps you are not good enough for your bf, that's why he is seeking pleasure else where.
My suggestion to many people is , find a partner that is COMPATIBLE.
Do you think you and your partner is compatible ???
Really hope so since the advice is from a gal. -
I will, so long as she still loves me. Sex is but just one part of a relationship. Gratification thru sex doesn't equal love, but could just be an uncontrollable basic desire.Originally posted by jojobeach:So are guys not as possessive than gals ?
You will truly, sincerely forgive her?
Even after you know she slept with another man ?
Even after you know some other man touched her body ?
Even after you know she finds pleasure in other rather than you?
That after all, your love will not diminish ??
I don't know about other guys, but I am ok with my wife having guy friends or even close friends. I have faith in that we remain loyal and faithful to each other.
There is something called a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you are worried something might happen, the more you will take steps to put controls and restrictions, and end up making that thing happen.
Similarly, the more faith you have of your partner, the more he or she knows that you love/trust him/her so much that you do not restrict his/her freedom, and he/she won't abuse it.
Of coz, you can always argue that my situation is exceptional, and that 90+% of relationships there is no such faith, but I always believe in the good of my wife. After all, I chose her right? If I am paranoid of her, it means that there is a problem with our union in the first place.
Basically, a fling can happen anywhere, anytime, and there is nothing you can directly put up to prevent it. In Singapore, most of the time, we are working, and we only get back together in the evening. Anytime during the working hours, a fling can happen. Should I worry about it every min then? Its just like rumours. You can't prevent it. So the better method is to build a good trusting relationship. -
your question above also reminds me of another real-life storyOriginally posted by jojobeach:So are guys not as possessive than gals ?
You will truly, sincerely forgive her?
Even after you know she slept with another man ?
Even after you know some other man touched her body ?
Even after you know she finds pleasure in other rather than you?
That after all, your love will not diminish ??
A guy left his galfren after she was raped, coz he cannot accept that some other man had touched her body, and that she is dirty.
To me, society is now more open. The guy who wants a wife as a virgin is really selfish. What rubbish is that, that gals should remain clean and 'pure' when guys can go ard sleeping ard?
Similarly, what rubbish a guy is that to leave his galfren when she is raped, coz her body is dirty?
Sex is just sex. Gals are entitled to enjoying their lives as well. A guy who wants a virgiin as his wife is a hypocrite. -
Hi all,
since TS already made her decision. shouldnt the topic be closed than hijack TS thread for OT