a woman's lament
-
Originally posted by jackdaniels:Just writing in here hoping to feel better after pouring it out.
A little less than 2 years ago, I chanced upon Mr G through a shared project at work. Though there were no sparks and we hardly made conversation initially, one encounter probably initiated what carried on and happened the next 2 years. Things began rather strangely, I've never looked upon him as someone who might be my type. He is older and the sort who communicated more with mandarin and dialect, I am younger, and what you would call, the "ang moh type." (Edited... too long)
We carried on behaving like friends in public. Other times intimate in private. Things were complicated because we ran in the similar public circles. Even after a year of sleeping with each other repeatedly every week, he was nervous, sometimes shy when we are out together. In private, he drank a lot. We bumped into each other at work and were formally introduced as colleagues. The irony of being asked if we knew each other before hand at the office when a few days before the introduction we'd been fucking each other's brains out was a little too dramatic for me to handle. Not knowing how to behave around him at work, I threw in the towel and left before the project began.
I left traveling again. The new year passed. I had no idea exactly what I was running from. I probably liked Mr G a plenty but had no idea how to reconciliate my liking with all that has happened. The same thing happened. He was alright, sometimes offering to pick me up or send me off, other times calling and saying he misses me. I came back. We started again. After a year of being strangers, he suddenly held my hand one time. I had no idea what that meant but he was quiet when he did it and so was I. We did nothing but slept with each other. Often nothing was being said since I told him he doesn't have to feel obliged to make conversation after sex if he didnt want to.
Because nothing was being said, I rarely knew what Mr G feels most of the time. Only recently after I came back from a last trip, he was often quieter but doting. Many times holding me very tightly throughout the night until I fell asleep. Other times he would sleep away on a couch, quiet, by himself old music humming in the background.
I realise at times that Mr G, is ultimately a loner at his best, solo from the view he loves. His private, desolate appeal was probably what kept me going back. Or perhaps it was the night, and a city in deep slumber that rustles a certain lonely quality, elusive and hollow, that brought me back to the same circle again and again. Sleeplessness from working erratic hours and probably loneliness. The need for closeness. Physical intimacy. I have no idea.
I don't know if he has anyone else in another country or if we were nothing. The pleasures of having experienced whatever encounter we had, was always deterred by spontaneous dates with others. When I would drive out into the same kind of night, with another someone, in search of filling the void left behind by Mr G whenever he wasn't around. I am beyond wanting relationships. Or the fun filled conventions of being in one. It tires me. It is exhausting. I have seen friends going through disappointments and anguish all for nothing in the end. And I do not want to go through it again. I have nothing to offer in a relationship neither do I know how to behave in one.
I don't know why I do it if Mr G meant anything at all. I'm not expecting him to consider anything serious with me because I am probably not worth his time. The last time we were out, he took my phone and saw the messages from my previous date. He didn't say anything. If he called and I was out with friends, he would coolly tell me to go keep my friend company. But continue sending me messages till I was home. He never asked me out on Valentines. Just wishing me happy valentines day the day before and sends me messages asking if I was home on Valentines.
Today he is back overseas. There wasn't difficult leaving and he'd given me the news after he arrived over there though I knew he was making a trip for work.
A few weeks before, I'd asked him what this was all about. He told me we are more than close and he wanted to mean something to me. But couldn't ask me for more because I do not want a relationship. He'd said the same thing a year ago, that he didn't want a relationship. (That is man speak for not wanting a relationship with me. I understand.)
And he asked why I never seemed to call him. That he wanted surprises. He was right about that. I never once called him or initiated contact throughout the time we spent together. Even if I were to cancel on him last minute, he had no temper. Just wishing me goodnight and to enjoy my evening, have my fun. It felt like I meant nothing to him because he was so unaffected. Afterwards he said there was nothing he could do because he isn't the type of person to keep pestering me if I didn't want to go out.
So now he is away. And I have no idea what would happen next. Probably a looming knowing this has finally ended. The last time we met, for the first time in my entire life, I'd been left alone on the bed while he slept on his couch. Afterwards ignoring me when I said goodbye. I'm not blaming anybody much less him. For a woman who has closed his doors repeatedly, I probably deserved it.
We will probably come and go in each otherÂ’s lives without warning. These intermittent encounters will continue leaving me with a hint of longing until the day I stop seeing him.
Just wondering what any of you would've done if you were in my shoes.
You wondered how illogical this situation has evolved into as you gazed through every aspect of this perplexing equation, trying to resolve it with your own means. Then you realised that there seemed to be several ways of 'solving' your quagmire and you took a couple of different approaches, but eventually, no matter how different those working steps you tried time and again, it brings you back to square one - same answer.
Therefore, the real question: Is there something wrong with the working steps? Or does the issue lies with the equation?
*** Two people, though shrouded by similar fear of commitment, would still have their own inner needs. This need is real and like an unstable molecule, it will seek another molecule to bond and achieve stability. A relationship is still a possible option even if sex is introduced before a relationship (likely, you probably might actually have a couple of short-term flings born out of such context), but there's this subconscious aversion to commitment as a whole. Somehow, it's seemed better to remain aloof and to keep a considerable emotional distance as the both of you 'unanimously and tacitly agreed' on this a classic sex-buddy relationship.
I agree with CuriousOrange as he may begin to view you more than a sex buddy, but imho, like yourself, he finds it arduous to abnegate current status quo and introduce the dreaded 'commitment thingy'. Because I bet he knows that once he brings this relationship to the next level, he will risk losing everything. Possibly even the sex buddy relationship.
Why would anyone encumber themselves with additional responsibilites while enjoying the same rewards? Crudely put - he could milk all the sex he needs from you without actually having to 'pay the price' of maintaining a relationship. Therefore, it makes no economical sense to execute such decision.
Perhaps, it could be same for you too?
Spiritually barren and yearning for deeper companionship, but unwilling to sacrifice individualism and selfishness - running in circles with context like 'More than just friends - of course we are - but never a relationship.' There's too much travelling (a Sagittarius's love) and running away... too many avenues for escapist and avoidance behaviour. As such, one would seek for instant gratification when the need arises and vanished before the bill comes - the root of void remains.
This love model fails before it even started and to continue with a failed model is like having to work out the question with a wrong equation.
Cheers -
I was watching TV when he suddenly blurted the inevitable statement: “It’s not that I do not want a relationship. Just that right now I want to focus on my career.” The confession could be linked to a conversation a few minutes earlier. He asked me to move in with him. I told him it isn’t a viable option for me because I barely have time to wash my own dishes, much less make myself useful around his place. Now we all know when somebody tells you that, it isn’t the case of him or her not wanting a relationship. It just means they don’t want a relationship with YOU.
I didnÂ’t ask for a relationship neither did I hint of wanting one. All I did was watch TV. And thatÂ’s exactly what I should go back doing. Everything else is too much trouble.
If you believe astrology is more than myth, at times I see more of a Sagittarian in Mr G and the Capricorn in myself. He claims to prefer seeing the world, as for me, seeing too much may not be a good thing. Because I do it alone I come back different each time. Even when you have a story to tell, no one would understand because they werenÂ’t there.
I go around like a pauper and do overland instead of airplanes. The romanticism of such an act moves people but it stops right there. Few carry the notion further. If you would like to, IÂ’m sure you can do it too. Only material pursuits get in the way. Most people choose cars, clubs and chicks over spending on travel.
I believe Mr G does view me more than just a sex buddy. He reminded me not to use that term because we were never there. It makes him uncomfortable. ItÂ’s natural for feelings to develop after a period of time.
But what really matters now is he left without saying good bye.
And what happened with Mr G last week stank. For the first time in a long time I was left alone on the bed. For the first time at all I was ignored when I said goodbye. I couldÂ’ve yelled, screamed, thrown a hissy fit but that would bring me nowhere. Frankly, it didnÂ’t feel good as a female. I feel used. Mr G probably thinks I am very loose. Easily discarded before re using again. But am I in a position to blame him?
Was Mr G relieved that the midnight f&%k was gone or was he hollow from being alone again? For someone like me, itÂ’s usually easy getting answers but he has a sombre air about him. So much so I knew better to shut up and leave than push him further. Suddenly I tittered on the high wire of morphing into the exact replica of twenty some things I discarded before. Monster nightmares who didnÂ’t know how to take no for an answer and didnÂ’t understand the rules of one night games. I do not wish to become that way.
Even as I think about this, whether he is in Singapore or overseas remains a question. All he could tell me today was take good care of myself. What I didnÂ’t understand was, why he needed to do it. Why he had to initiate contact at all. Why not just leave it as it is and not bother me again. Was he feeling sympathetic? Did he think he was being kind? Was he thinking of staying connected so we can go through the same routine if he ever comes back? If I meant nothing why couldnÂ’t we just screw each other and let it be? Why did he have to bring me out on dates, hold my hand, laugh a lot and simply being? Am I reading too much into things? Is this a biological curse? For time immemorial I have all the questions and barely any answers.
At the end of it all, I am left feeling that the world isnÂ’t nice. Nobody cares if you get stiffed or if your feelings get bruised. Mr G left and I wouldÂ’ve done the same. Beyond telling me to take care there is nothing he can offer. I cannot even perform a satisfying shout out, woman to man, for fear of having it come back at me one day in this line of work. If they say the loving is a battlefield and he went away wounded, then I am left dead.
I think he wants to play with me. Wants to give me false hope. Wants to see how much IÂ’ll grovel. It's probably wiser not to play this game. Saying goes itÂ’s one thing if you donÂ’t know what to do, but if you know what to do and donÂ’t do it, then youÂ’re double-dumb.
No use rationalising this.
No point in longing for whatÂ’s been left behind.
Perhaps I received return for whatever I brought to it.
Always keep back ups because there will always be another. Always. -
I seriously do not know what to say. This is a bit too deep for me. Perhaps I'm still too young to fully comprehend, and thus I do not think I'm qualified enough to give any good replies. However, I feel that curiousorange's comments are reasonable.
Give yourself sometime to cool down. Just brooding over it does not help both you and him.
Sidetrack: I agree with everyone that you standard of english is high, higher than most people here in the forums. -
Please don't read my posts as trying to advice you... tell you what to do...Originally posted by jackdaniels:Thanks for all for your thoughts and opinion. ItÂ’s baffling and funny observing how different male and female responses can be. I appreciate all the advice but will go with mid9sun. Life goes easy.
What I am trying to do is simply to give you a wider perspective. You might not have considered certain things.
When you are in a long term stable relationship, there are many benefits.
In an ideal situation, this person in a long term relationship with you will be there: "For better or for worse"
If you do not like those parts in a marriage vow to do with fidelity, I can see how a free spirit like you would abhor it.
I have seen many free spirits like you and one of them told me:
"I have "played" all I want; I have slept with as many men as I want; I have partied all I want.... and now all I want to to settle down with one man and live an "ordinary" life."
"An ordinary life" can be very enticing. A long term relationship can be very enticing, to the point that they stay (you know how some people continue in an abusive relationship) because the abusive party did not walk but continue in the relationship...
BTW what is "mid9sun"? Midnight sun? What is that? Night life? -
Dear Jackdaniels,
You reminded me of me when I was younger. A free spirit.
A backpacker... the world was my playground.
I too was involved in similar relationship with an older man.
Single , successful and well travelled.
He had no lack of female companions, including myself.
But he told me I was his favourite.. imagine that.
I wasn't unattractive, I wasn't deperate for love. Because I love myself.
It was fun, exciting, magical..... it was something.. special. But there was a lack of commitment.....something missing.. something empty about it.
I turned my back and left.... never looking back.
Great memory, full of what ifs, but in my heart I knew it would never work. He would never be mine, mine alone.
I never regretted letting it go. I don't know if he did.
Few years later, he sms me and asked me why I left him behind. I shrugged my shoulders, it was his loss anyway. -
He and you can rationalise this all you want, but the truth is you are fuck buddies , plain and simple.
You've grown too accustomed and dependent to each other. You're like each other's crutch - convenient to go to for comfort and company, without having to make an effort of a relationship.
So much time has passed that you're both asking - what's next? Where is this going? There HAS TO BE be something more, right?
Unfortunately the feeling that SOMETHING SHOULD develop does not form the basis of a healthy relationship. It takes a concerted decision, effort, and ultimately it might not work out at all. It could be you're just good in bed together, but bad life-partners.
IMO if this is giving you more grief than pleasure, which is the point of a non-comittal sexual partnership anyway, give him up.Originally posted by jackdaniels:I believe Mr G does view me more than just a sex buddy. He reminded me not to use that term because we were never there. It makes him uncomfortable. ItÂ’s natural for feelings to develop after a period of time. -
Tightly gripping onto the sand with both hands will only result in sand slowly escaping out of your grasp. Letting the sand fall onto the ground will have you see the sand is not going anywhere else (bar outside interferences like wind and water). Or you want you can picture fishing or flying a kite.
Every individual who wanted to let go have a hard time doing so. Every individual who want to hold on have a hard time trying to stick it together.
I remember the last time I once tried to let go of a person I loved (or so I thought). Took me 5 years of nagging pain and much thinking to realise its not going anywhere. Only when I finally decided to LET GO, I simply did. It wasn't easy, but its the best for both of us.
You have decided (more or less) what you want to do about it. That is better than procrastinating. I also wanted to thank you for sharing your story here. We all learn something in this. At least I did: I learnt that matters of the heart are never easily resolved when both parties are still unsure what do they really want. Its always difficult to let go, but when you do, you will see more than you realise and appreciate more of the surroundings around you. (You read your posts from the 1st to the latest and you see how it progressed) -
Seems like is you who do not want to change anything not Mr G.Originally posted by jackdaniels:I was watching TV when he suddenly blurted the inevitable statement: “It’s not that I do not want a relationship. Just that right now I want to focus on my career.” The confession could be linked to a conversation a few minutes earlier. He asked me to move in with him. I told him it isn’t a viable option for me because I barely have time to wash my own dishes, much less make myself useful around his place. Now we all know when somebody tells you that, it isn’t the case of him or her not wanting a relationship. It just means they don’t want a relationship with YOU.
I didnÂ’t ask for a relationship neither did I hint of wanting one. All I did was watch TV. And thatÂ’s exactly what I should go back doing. Everything else is too much trouble.
If you believe astrology is more than myth, at times I see more of a Sagittarian in Mr G and the Capricorn in myself. He claims to prefer seeing the world, as for me, seeing too much may not be a good thing. Because I do it alone I come back different each time. Even when you have a story to tell, no one would understand because they werenÂ’t there.
I go around like a pauper and do overland instead of airplanes. The romanticism of such an act moves people but it stops right there. Few carry the notion further. If you would like to, IÂ’m sure you can do it too. Only material pursuits get in the way. Most people choose cars, clubs and chicks over spending on travel.
I believe Mr G does view me more than just a sex buddy. He reminded me not to use that term because we were never there. It makes him uncomfortable. ItÂ’s natural for feelings to develop after a period of time.
But what really matters now is he left without saying good bye.
And what happened with Mr G last week stank. For the first time in a long time I was left alone on the bed. For the first time at all I was ignored when I said goodbye. I couldÂ’ve yelled, screamed, thrown a hissy fit but that would bring me nowhere. Frankly, it didnÂ’t feel good as a female. I feel used. Mr G probably thinks I am very loose. Easily discarded before re using again. But am I in a position to blame him?
Was Mr G relieved that the midnight f&%k was gone or was he hollow from being alone again? For someone like me, itÂ’s usually easy getting answers but he has a sombre air about him. So much so I knew better to shut up and leave than push him further. Suddenly I tittered on the high wire of morphing into the exact replica of twenty some things I discarded before. Monster nightmares who didnÂ’t know how to take no for an answer and didnÂ’t understand the rules of one night games. I do not wish to become that way.
Even as I think about this, whether he is in Singapore or overseas remains a question. All he could tell me today was take good care of myself. What I didnÂ’t understand was, why he needed to do it. Why he had to initiate contact at all. Why not just leave it as it is and not bother me again. Was he feeling sympathetic? Did he think he was being kind? Was he thinking of staying connected so we can go through the same routine if he ever comes back? If I meant nothing why couldnÂ’t we just screw each other and let it be? Why did he have to bring me out on dates, hold my hand, laugh a lot and simply being? Am I reading too much into things? Is this a biological curse? For time immemorial I have all the questions and barely any answers.
At the end of it all, I am left feeling that the world isnÂ’t nice. Nobody cares if you get stiffed or if your feelings get bruised. Mr G left and I wouldÂ’ve done the same. Beyond telling me to take care there is nothing he can offer. I cannot even perform a satisfying shout out, woman to man, for fear of having it come back at me one day in this line of work. If they say the loving is a battlefield and he went away wounded, then I am left dead.
I think he wants to play with me. Wants to give me false hope. Wants to see how much IÂ’ll grovel. It's probably wiser not to play this game. Saying goes itÂ’s one thing if you donÂ’t know what to do, but if you know what to do and donÂ’t do it, then youÂ’re double-dumb.
No use rationalising this.
No point in longing for whatÂ’s been left behind.
Perhaps I received return for whatever I brought to it.
Always keep back ups because there will always be another. Always.
Why blame him when you should be asking the question yourself? -
"If this is giving you more grief than pleasure, which is the point of a non-comittal sexual partnership anyway, give him up."
"Why blame him when you should be asking the question yourself?"
"Life moves on and so do you, what's important is where you decide to go from here."
***
A note to Andrew, you remind me of a pastor somewhere back in school. I meant that as a compliment. I'm not really the unstoppable free spirit. But do understand where you're coming from. On the contrary, having been exposed to loud music, babes, hunks and posers previously at work tires me. What you crave in privacy is exactly what you lack socially. In the end, it's all pu*sy and di*ks. You find one that is hot and there'll always come another that's hotter. I'll settle for the long-term partner with just a shoulder to lean on (though I'm sure it's all boring in the end and just a lot of trouble). Committed relationships are bonuses, not a given and not a focus. IÂ’ll have to trade in the sense of thrill for a sense of familiarity and comfort.
Sometimes I find myself too brash and impulsive in the things that I say and do. And this experience has left me feeling very lost. Maybe I veered off course on an emotional high. Frankly, I spent the last 48 hours crying, smoking and drinking like an utter dump (within the safe confines of my 4 walls of course).
Maybe IÂ’m just young, ignorant and foolish when it comes to life. And too damn proud. ItÂ’s just false bravado in the end. Prime examples of failed and successful affairs are out there every day. This is just another story. And in time, it becomes dull memory.
Hey sometimes weÂ’re better off being trusting, willing and moral too. I see the big four-letter word streaming out of peopleÂ’s mouths day in and out, but cannot quite figure whether it takes the confidence of a fool to use relative, elusive words like that or whether I am plain frigid. Mr G used that a couple of times but I thought he was a categoryÂ’s fool then. And now I realise the joke is actually on me.
But that was yesterday and tomorrow is another story.
IÂ’m afraid of how these experiences are slowly moulding me invulnerable to things. I dislike it. Yet cannot fight it. Maybe itÂ’s a self-preservation thing.
Thanks for the all the advice given to me. Especially curiousOrange, jojobeach and mid9sun. I never thought I would come to need these shots in the arm but apparently, I do. The support here has given me perspectives that otherwise would never have crossed my mind. -
At the moment, you are reduced to one lonely sad clown. You have difficulty knowing whether or not you are truly happy inside.Originally posted by jackdaniels:why he needed to do it. Why he had to initiate contact at all. Why not just leave it as it is and not bother me again. Was he feeling sympathetic? Did he think he was being kind? Was he thinking of staying connected so we can go through the same routine if he ever comes back? If I meant nothing why couldnÂ’t we just screw each other and let it be? Why did he have to bring me out on dates, hold my hand, laugh a lot and simply being? Am I reading too much into things? Is this a biological curse? For time immemorial I have all the questions and barely any answers.
All your life you have been searching for answers. And you came back from your travels, triumphant every time and equipped with new knowledge.
I think you are most happy when you know how to find the answers.
But sometimes, the word “why” is merely an illusion.
It holds us back from our lives.
Some things in life simply donÂ’t need an answer.
DonÂ’t fence yourself with all that complicated thinking anymore.
Smoking and drinking won't help either. ItÂ’s about making a choice and being contented with it. -
Ts can write very well.
-
When time has caught up with the once-foolish, what sets him or her apart from his or her past is what he or she is, now.
Sex, lust, are those what you want? Or is it the rough resemblance of love, which you so seek?
Stop going around in circles. Mr G may see you more than a sex partner, but the fact is undeniable. Sex is what brought you two together.
Yes, these experiences would change you. But you've grown stronger.
It's time to perhaps change your status duo. There will be someone out there for you.
Good luck.
-
The truth is never told during the 9 to 5 hours. You have email?Originally posted by curiousOrange:But sometimes, the word “why” is merely an illusion.
It holds us back from our lives.
Some things in life simply donÂ’t need an answer. -
You should find yourself first and be at peace with yourself. How you do that is not going to be easy.Originally posted by jackdaniels:A note to Andrew, you remind me of a pastor somewhere back in school. I meant that as a compliment. I'm not really the unstoppable free spirit. But do understand where you're coming from. On the contrary, having been exposed to loud music, babes, hunks and posers previously at work tires me. What you crave in privacy is exactly what you lack socially. In the end, it's all pu*sy and di*ks. You find one that is hot and there'll always come another that's hotter. I'll settle for the long-term partner with just a shoulder to lean on (though I'm sure it's all boring in the end and just a lot of trouble). Committed relationships are bonuses, not a given and not a focus. IÂ’ll have to trade in the sense of thrill for a sense of familiarity and comfort.
Sometimes I find myself too brash and impulsive in the things that I say and do. And this experience has left me feeling very lost. Maybe I veered off course on an emotional high. Frankly, I spent the last 48 hours crying, smoking and drinking like an utter dump (within the safe confines of my 4 walls of course).
Maybe IÂ’m just young, ignorant and foolish when it comes to life. And too damn proud. ItÂ’s just false bravado in the end. Prime examples of failed and successful affairs are out there every day. This is just another story. And in time, it becomes dull memory.
Hey sometimes weÂ’re better off being trusting, willing and moral too. I see the big four-letter word streaming out of peopleÂ’s mouths day in and out, but cannot quite figure whether it takes the confidence of a fool to use relative, elusive words like that or whether I am plain frigid. Mr G used that a couple of times but I thought he was a categoryÂ’s fool then. And now I realise the joke is actually on me.
But that was yesterday and tomorrow is another story.
IÂ’m afraid of how these experiences are slowly moulding me invulnerable to things. I dislike it. Yet cannot fight it. Maybe itÂ’s a self-preservation thing.
Thanks for the all the advice given to me. Especially curiousOrange, jojobeach and mid9sun. I never thought I would come to need these shots in the arm but apparently, I do. The support here has given me perspectives that otherwise would never have crossed my mind. -
i find it strangely romantic. Am i strange?
-
I find subsequent replies on this thread a conspiracy to indulge me in Mr G when the opposite was my aim. Maybe they go hand in hand.
Hellraiza, I found it a little romantic too, initially. There was always the cityscape; pre dawn spins in a black stallion, conversation about lofts and deserts before alcohol and a lack of control send 2 consenting adults speeding off the ECP at 150km just to rip each other off.
The likelihood of a fleeting future makes it sweet.
Afterwards when it turns bitter, we nurse our wounds by licking other things that taste sweeter. We are cave people.
The relationship with myself is most important, I agree. Some things I need to learn and what I cannot learn quickly I pay heavy with time. And that is the way it is.
Actually itÂ’s embarrassing if I made myself victim or found pleasure in having an audience here for it. So this will be my last post. -
Well... most people can only dream of the sort of trysts u've described.. can't blame those who goad you on for doing it.. The average joe loves a good drama.. the stuff of soaps.. the sort of thrill they can't seem to get in their lives for whatever reasons
Just don't jump from the boiling pot into the frying pan like me, and abandon thrill only to settle for a "safe" relationship that's less than genuine. -
I hate to sound stupid and kiddish.
But above are the two titans, united!
You two have great command of English. I salute you both. -
i tot it's lomantic..
until i read threadstarter's last post..
sigh.. duno what to say..
duno what's happening to me tonight also.. a bit abnormal.
-
ur english is really really veri good
-
Originally posted by jackdaniels:I was watching TV when he suddenly blurted the inevitable statement: “It’s not that I do not want a relationship. Just that right now I want to focus on my career.” The confession could be linked to a conversation a few minutes earlier. He asked me to move in with him. I told him it isn’t a viable option for me because I barely have time to wash my own dishes, much less make myself useful around his place. Now we all know when somebody tells you that, it isn’t the case of him or her not wanting a relationship. It just means they don’t want a relationship with YOU.
I didnÂ’t ask for a relationship neither did I hint of wanting one. All I did was watch TV. And thatÂ’s exactly what I should go back doing. Everything else is too much trouble.
If you believe astrology is more than myth, at times I see more of a Sagittarian in Mr G and the Capricorn in myself. He claims to prefer seeing the world, as for me, seeing too much may not be a good thing. Because I do it alone I come back different each time. Even when you have a story to tell, no one would understand because they werenÂ’t there.
I go around like a pauper and do overland instead of airplanes. The romanticism of such an act moves people but it stops right there. Few carry the notion further. If you would like to, IÂ’m sure you can do it too. Only material pursuits get in the way. Most people choose cars, clubs and chicks over spending on travel.
I believe Mr G does view me more than just a sex buddy. He reminded me not to use that term because we were never there. It makes him uncomfortable. ItÂ’s natural for feelings to develop after a period of time.
But what really matters now is he left without saying good bye.
And what happened with Mr G last week stank. For the first time in a long time I was left alone on the bed. For the first time at all I was ignored when I said goodbye. I couldÂ’ve yelled, screamed, thrown a hissy fit but that would bring me nowhere. Frankly, it didnÂ’t feel good as a female. I feel used. Mr G probably thinks I am very loose. Easily discarded before re using again. But am I in a position to blame him?
Was Mr G relieved that the midnight f&%k was gone or was he hollow from being alone again? For someone like me, itÂ’s usually easy getting answers but he has a sombre air about him. So much so I knew better to shut up and leave than push him further. Suddenly I tittered on the high wire of morphing into the exact replica of twenty some things I discarded before. Monster nightmares who didnÂ’t know how to take no for an answer and didnÂ’t understand the rules of one night games. I do not wish to become that way.
Even as I think about this, whether he is in Singapore or overseas remains a question. All he could tell me today was take good care of myself. What I didnÂ’t understand was, why he needed to do it. Why he had to initiate contact at all. Why not just leave it as it is and not bother me again. Was he feeling sympathetic? Did he think he was being kind? Was he thinking of staying connected so we can go through the same routine if he ever comes back? If I meant nothing why couldnÂ’t we just screw each other and let it be? Why did he have to bring me out on dates, hold my hand, laugh a lot and simply being? Am I reading too much into things? Is this a biological curse? For time immemorial I have all the questions and barely any answers.
At the end of it all, I am left feeling that the world isnÂ’t nice. Nobody cares if you get stiffed or if your feelings get bruised. Mr G left and I wouldÂ’ve done the same. Beyond telling me to take care there is nothing he can offer. I cannot even perform a satisfying shout out, woman to man, for fear of having it come back at me one day in this line of work. If they say the loving is a battlefield and he went away wounded, then I am left dead.
I think he wants to play with me. Wants to give me false hope. Wants to see how much IÂ’ll grovel. It's probably wiser not to play this game. Saying goes itÂ’s one thing if you donÂ’t know what to do, but if you know what to do and donÂ’t do it, then youÂ’re double-dumb.
No use rationalising this.
No point in longing for whatÂ’s been left behind.
Perhaps I received return for whatever I brought to it.
Always keep back ups because there will always be another. Always. Initially, he probably thought that he was lucky - to be about hook up a young lady and end up making out with her. Surely, both lust and emotional void were present, serving as catalysis for this scenario to take flight. There are unresolved needs and therefore actions will be taken to satisfy them – under Freudian theory, this is the ID component and in astrology, that’s govern by Mars.
Your befuddlement stemmed from your personal justification in your case. Beyond those well-articulated words, you painted a phantasmal outlook that has failed to take on substance and conjure a ‘form’ (a relationship). It remains as hollow as you first uncovered, akin to a maw of blackness, constantly mutating and evolving from some macabre shade of darkness. You tried to figure out the undulating shape - gradually you realized it has no definite structure and everything existed solely on how you deemed fit – all areas and perimeters are perpetually reframing.
Strangers? Both yes and no.
Causal Friends? Both yes and no.
Good friends? Both yes and no.
BGR? Both yes and no.
Sex buddy? Both yes and no.
And it doesnÂ’t matter how long this list were to be as either one of you can conveniently make length, width or height adjustments to fit the puzzle.
Then it comes to the part about 'something more than just bed buddy'; the journey has come to a juncture where you had no other alternatives but 'coerced to believe' that this must be something more than just sexual, simply because he display acts of 'asking dates, holding your hands, laughing a lot and simply being'.
Humans often justify their own existence on Earth by claiming that they have a 'mission' during their short stay here. But what if the truth is such that life is but a meaningless cycle to debunk conventional ideology? You will probably encounter scores of people upbraiding you that it's not like that because there MUST be a reason for our existence. There must be.
As confused as yourself, he might even query himself on whether he still see you as a sex-buddy or has he really fell in love. In fact, my analogy in the above paragraph might just happen - both of you felt that there must be something more to it as the situations has turned out to be this way and there MUST be a reason. There must be.
But is there anything more? Apparently, it may not be.
Cheers -
G man?
