With righteousness comes guilt
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I have a friend whom I've known since my childhood days. She used to stay around my area and is from the same church (I'm not talking religion here) as me. Our parents know each other for how many donkey years already. Her mom is my music teacher so I go to her house every week for lessons. She's been teaching me piano for the past 3 years and although she's quite strict on me at times , she said that its because she dotes on me and yes I'm really appreciative of it.
Here's the main point. Although I kind of liked her (my teacher's daughter) for quite some time already , I never had the guts to strike up a conversation with her. It took me sometime to finally strike up a conversation with her with positive results. That was about 2 months ago. Imagine I knew her since my primary school days and only 2 months ago did I really had a real conversation with her!
She's a sanguine (adopted from the 4 temprements) , meaning that she's the very outgoing , over excited , optimistic , cheerful , enjoys being in big groups , likes to be the "star" of the group , talkative etc.
I'm a melancholic , which is like the direct opposite of a sanguine but of course I have my own friends and get along with them very well. I'm just not very fond of being in big groups because the bigger the group becomes , the more indecisive the group becomes. Actually I'm a mix of a melancholic and a phlegmatic and so I do not fully possess all the characteristics of a melancholic. But I still see beauty in which people tend to overlook. And yes I'm a extremely righteous person. I have this strong desire to do something about things which I see "injustice" in.
Sorry I just can't help but mention the 4 temprements because I'm very intrigued by it.
The thing is well 2 weeks after I first striked up a conversation with her , she went steady with her first boyfriend. He's like 2 years younger than her. She's 17 and I'm 19. Although I was never fond of him because I felt that he was like a typical misguided teenager who engages in underage smoking , underage drinking and piercings for the sake of being "cool" blindly but I just decided not to bother so much about it. Besides my friend likes her as well and so I just decided to sit in one corner and not let myself get involved in this entire political scene brewing. Let these guys settle their own problems themselves.
Barely a month into their relationship , their relationship has come to light and practically they were like the talk of the town among the youth groups in my church. To cut a long story short , her mom (my piano teacher) came to know about it but decided to keep quiet about it. She actually accepted him secretly at first but after one particular incident that happened , her impression of him changed drastically. Now her mom is like forcing her to break with him.
All these while I've given her my honest opinions of what I felt about her relationship because I saw some "injustice" prevailing and I felt strongly that I had to do something about it. Of course I'm NOT NOT NOT like those idiots who go like ,"ya ya break up with him , he's a jerk!" and then later go steady with the girl. I have my own principles when it comes to such things. For me although I'm not really fond of him , I gave her my reasons (in a nice way) why I'm not really fond of him and this entire relationship thing she's going through. As much as I really liked her , I decided to put my feelings aside (I really mean it!) and play the role of the concerned friend towards her.
Her mom asked me for advice pertaining to her daughter's boyfriend and I don't know why , my righteous self took control and gave her my honest opinions which were quite critical because I honestly truthfully sincerely cannot find anything good about this relationship. His level of maturity being the crux of the issue. You know like you tell him to do some simple projecting and he'll go like , "Aiyah I don't want to make mistakes lah....too many powerpoint slides!" or perhaps when the folks invite him for lunch and he'll go like ,"Aiyah it's okay lah...you go ahead without me" ask him again in 5 minutes and he'll give another excuse like ,"Ohhhh my mom is cooking dinner for me now...."
Now that this entire issue has reach its critical point with her mom forcing her to stay away from him. You know as much as I would like to help her as a friend I swear tide over such forseeable circumstances , but at the back of my head , I feel quite guilty in that I don't know I have this feeling that I'm being the evil 3rd party. I don't want her to think that I was the one who soured their entire relationship with my honestly critical comments made towards the guy and things would be worst if I ever told her I liked her! If I told her I like her , she would probably think that I was the evil 3rd party which caused her relationship to fall apart! Of course I never ever I swear that I never had any evil intentions behind my back. It's just my righteous self fighting for "injustice" prevailing in her relationship.
Yes I like her but right now , I have put my feelings aside and play the role of the concern friend towards her.
If she breaks up with him , of course I'll just play the role of the concerned friend here and try my best to help her in anyway to the best of my ability. But of course....there will come a time where I would have to confess my feelings for her. I intend to take this slow and being a melancholic I'm a cautious person which means that....well.....I take things slow and easy!
But the question is , what would she think of me when the times comes for me to confess my feelings for her?
Having said all these , I hope the kind people here would provide me with some practical advice. -
on the scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most...how much do you think you mean to her in her heart?
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That's a good question.
I'll say 7.
Maybe perhaps my liking towards her is still in its infant stages right now. I've been liking her since the middle of last year but only got to strike up a conversation with her 2 months ago with the usual exchanging of contacts happening afterwards. -
so..
would u rather lie to her mum, so that both of them will be happy together?
would u feel secure with her being with that guy?
in this case, i dont think you are the third party. You just giving your honest opinion about that guy -
To me I'm afraid that people might see it this way.
You know like I use a WMD to end everything once and for all and her mom is the WMD.
As much as I'm quite close to her mom and stuff like that but yeah I just felt a need to speak my honest mind out. I don't want people to think that I'm poisoning her mom's mind to my advantage just because I have direct relations with someone who has the power to make or break the relationship. -
Just do what is righteous and give truthful words!
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ok...
what is done is done.
anyways, how is the relationship the girl have with her bf? going smoothly??
if the relationship is good well, too bad for u ...
well, if u like her.. u should chase her...
But dun pressured her to like u... give her time.
jia you!
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You are a hypocrite.
If you are so self righteous, you should never gotten yourself involved.
Pretending to be her "concerned friend" is your cover up.
You already have "intentions" on her.
The moment she finds out you bad mouthed her b/f. You will be in her history books. FOREVER. -
All's fair in war.. and love.
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give your honest opionions and let her mum decide..
of course don put in something extras.. tell wat know only -
On what grounds of justification do you have to prove your above statement?Originally posted by jojobeach:You are a hypocrite.
If you are so self righteous, you should never gotten yourself involved.
Pretending to be her "concerned friend" is your cover up.
You already have "intentions" on her.
The moment she finds out you bad mouthed her b/f. You will be in her history books. FOREVER.
Obviously you don't see the kind of "sentimental value" between my relations with me and her family since I've known her parents since I was young , her mom taught me music and it was because of her I've soared to unspeakable heights in my music development. I really appreciate everything her mom has done for me and I swear upon my china ancestors grave that its true!
Her mom taught me music all these years....so do think I can just sit there and do nothing and watch her daughter suffer? Is this how I repay her's mom's gratitude for teaching me music all these years?
Judging by your tone of voice , I won't be surprised if such a similar incident has happened to you before , with you being the victim of course. -
well, if her boyfriend is really a douchebag, and if you really like her, then don't be bothered by how she'll view you (even though everything you're doing is out of concern for her). she could hate you for life, but you can rest easy knowing that you once sacrificed your image to 'rescue' someone you hold dear. note, this is the worst-case scenario. you could have a fairytale ending.
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The relationship is reaching its critical point. I leave the 3 parties involved (her mom , she and her bf) to settle things out themselves. So I will take a step back here.Originally posted by Sakuraflower:ok...
what is done is done.
anyways, how is the relationship the girl have with her bf? going smoothly??
if the relationship is good well, too bad for u ...
well, if u like her.. u should chase her...
But dun pressured her to like u... give her time.
jia you!
Of course I won't jump the gun immediately. I'll get to know her better and this may take sometime because although I knew her since my primary school days , I've only got to know her better 2 months ago and I really need lots of catching up to do. It would probably take a couple of months.
I've done my homework with regards to this guy. Asked his friends , the people at the youth group , his best friend etc.
Nonetheless my impression of him was formed based on my own independent judgement , away from any form of external influences. -
You are thinking based on the assumption that this girl you are interested in is stupid enough not to know she is suffering.Originally posted by chthonic:On what grounds of justification do you have to prove your above statement?
Obviously you don't see the kind of "sentimental value" between my relations with me and her family since I've known her parents since I was young , her mom taught me music and it was because of her I've soared to unspeakable heights in my music development. I really appreciate everything her mom has done for me and I swear upon my china ancestors grave that its true!
Her mom taught me music all these years....so do think I can just sit there and do nothing and watch her daughter suffer? Is this how I repay her's mom's gratitude for teaching me music all these years?
Judging by your tone of voice , I won't be surprised if such a similar incident has happened to you before , with you being the victim of course.
There are other ways you can repay your music teacher.
When you bad mouthed the b/f, you are essentially the sabotuer to their relationship.
In the future, even if you managed to snag your teacher's daughter, what makes you think she will not think you shrewed ?
If you want to succeed with this girl.
You will need to pry yourself away from the situation.
I was in her position before.
I found out why my mother hated my then b/f.
He was my neighbour whom I grew up with.
Me and my mom had a lot of arguments because of it.
Although the relationship with my ex didn't last long.
I couldn't forgive my neighbour for what he did.
I dispised him for taking the path via my mother.
Never gave him a chance.
The person to sound the alarm should not be you.
It should be a neutral party. -
u cant be righteous if u have an interest in the issue. no matter what u think, when u have an interest in a girl it already clouds ur judgement. perhaps the boyfriend has good points which u failed to notice because u, being a fellow competitor for the same girl, is already biased against him. so if u truely want to be "righteous", u should have stayed out of it.
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just be true to urself, do what ur heart tells u to do. We may give you a thousand advices, at e end of e day, its still ur heart that u will follow.
one advice is......PRAY -
JoJo : Now that you have mentioned about my experience , I will take your note of your words. You have my assurance.
Well actually lots of her friends (if not most of them) are kind of against it and they give similar reasons to mine because they themselves know him personally. Anyways I've getting advice from people who tell me to stay away from this entire thing.
The thing is , is it possible to stay away from the entire thing considering that things have reached its critical point now? -
not very good, but might not ruin everything.Originally posted by chthonic:But the question is , what would she think of me when the times comes for me to confess my feelings for her?
it'd be your best interest to declare u fell for her after she broke up, rather than before she broke up.
den again, i'd bet 10 cent u wun be able to handle the lie. -
What's the lie?
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You are doing the right thing in taking a step back.Originally posted by chthonic:The relationship is reaching its critical point. I leave the 3 parties involved (her mom , she and her bf) to settle things out themselves. So I will take a step back here.
Of course I won't jump the gun immediately. I'll get to know her better and this may take sometime because although I knew her since my primary school days , I've only got to know her better 2 months ago and I really need lots of catching up to do. It would probably take a couple of months.
I've done my homework with regards to this guy. Asked his friends , the people at the youth group , his best friend etc.
Nonetheless my impression of him was formed based on my own independent judgement , away from any form of external influences.
As an outsider, I would have said that while ur intentions in trying to find out more about that guy is good, it can be interpreted as another way: That you are trying 2 break up their relationship. I know u have ur friend's intention at heart, but not many would see it that way, especially if that guy or the girl u like find out about it.
My advice is to just tell her that no matter what, u would be by her side, and support her. Don't try 2 find out anything more about that guy. This way, while u still can find out about how their relationship is going, u won't be accused of wanting to break up the couple. -
For now, you should stand aside and comfort her. try not to give her any comments abt that guy. and do u tink she really loves the guy? if she does, then try not to break them up. coz i tink the most impt thing in relation ship is loving each other forever. yeah so if she doesnt really like him then WAIT FOR YOUR TURN. dont go asking her right after she breaks up. it isnt the right time, wait abt maybe 1 month later when everything cools down.
Anyway, good luck in pursuing your true love. i understand its hard to watch your crush already having a bf. so just live with it and wait for your turn. -
lol... not only complicated love, in other complicated matters, I will NEVER get myself involved in it ...
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don't get involved too quickly. there is a danger of becoming a substitute.
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Oh yeah I understand that. Thanks for the tip. Even I myself had experience such things before.
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Hey!
You only live once.. Live the way you want to live. Even if you said something bad about her boyfriend for your sake, it's still alright as long as you keep a clean conscience.
Even Lady Justice is blind, who cares about what others says..
Good luck!