why is he taking so long to hold my hands?
-
i thought i remembered u saying u both were in ur twenties?Originally posted by world_peace:Well thanks for all the concerns and attention from all of you.
I didnÂ’t manage to meet him on Sunday, because he sprained his ankle and had to rest at home. However I managed to lunch with him alone yesterday and asked him the question. He said hand holding is just a gesture, when couples hold hands, it does not mean they are truly together. He said there have been many young couples holding hands in the streets, but that does not mean they will really end up together either. He said at this age (i.e. 33), he prefers to go slow; he didnÂ’t say he loves me but he just said he likes me. Then he wondered why I have started to ask him these questions, he asked if I am seeing someone else. I replied no, and that ended our discussion.
There wasn't much time to discuss further after lunch.
Not sure what to think, looks like there will be a period of slow moving before we hold hands.
Exactly how old are both of u guys......if he's 33 & ur nearing ur tailend of twenties.....better u move on.....not unless u have no desire to settle down.
my 2cents worth
-
Hmmm......
From the way the OP describes the "reason" he gives, sounded more like an excuse then a reason.
I can foresee that even though the 2 of you gets married, you will need to prepare to lead an unintimate marriage. You will be seen as a person who only bares him a child and carries on his surname. Just like someone I know IRL.
What I just say is only based on what you've described. You have known him for 1 year, so don't let my words be your judgement. Judge for yourself. It's your life, he's your man.
All in all, good luck.
"Good Health!! Looong Life!!" ~Draenai, World of Warcraft. -
choco B. I agree with you. Entirely.Originally posted by choco B:I don't think he even regards you as his girlfriend. He's just keeping you around like a spare tyre until a better girl turns up. That's why there are no moves, no commitment, just nice friendly time spent together.
Let's be honest and realistic. If a man cannot make up his mind about you after one year, he's just not that into you. If a man really wants you, he'll get serious very quickly.
You'd better move on ASAP before he finds someone he really likes and kicks you away with the excuse of "We're not that close really, we've never even held hands " -
I too agree with you to a certain degree. I think the guy have never seen her as gf material but a friend material. It's basically World Peace having a 'shiok sendiri' feelings mah. As someone mention a male can go out with a female merely for companionship. There is nothing wrong in that. So, why ditch the guy? Why like putting the blame on the man? I don't see the man has any fault. and he don't need to clarify anything to her when all he wanted was a friend.Originally posted by choco B:I don't think he even regards you as his girlfriend. He's just keeping you around like a spare tyre until a better girl turns up. That's why there are no moves, no commitment, just nice friendly time spent together.
Let's be honest and realistic. If a man cannot make up his mind about you after one year, he's just not that into you. If a man really wants you, he'll get serious very quickly.
You'd better move on ASAP before he finds someone he really likes and kicks you away with the excuse of "We're not that close really, we've never even held hands "
And now TS really break her waterface liao by asking direct. It will put a strain on the friendship. Whether the man was being diplomatic or being an ass - depend on which angle you look at him lah - he has make it clear he is not interested in TS as a gf. Come onlah think about it, a man in his early thirties is already the man of the world and mature enough to know what he wants or not. He is not those youngster who changes relationship like they changes their underwear.
Hmm, and I also smell something fishy. TS did say they were both in their twenties. Now suddenly the guy is 33. Fishy, really fishy
-
You are right, there is a strain in the relationship after that lunch. Not that we are doing anything different, we are still having the routine lunch and outing together. Maybe like some of you suggested, I should grab his hands and see his reaction.
I am 27 and he does not look 33 so I said we are in our twenties, so that you won't think the age gap is a problem.
-
My dear young lady now we know your age at least I understand your situation a bit more clearly. At 27 I understand most ordinary women wants to feel belong and someone of their own to hold and to love and even to settle down. So, I won't fault you on that.Originally posted by world_peace:You are right, there is a strain in the relationship after that lunch. Not that we are doing anything different, we are still having the routine lunch and outing together. Maybe like some of you suggested, I should grab his hands and see his reaction.
I am 27 and he does not look 33 so I said we are in our twenties, so that you won't think the age gap is a problem.
Let papa here advice you: Continue to be his friend but PLEASE go out with other guys as well. And if anyone tease you anymore about you and him just say nicely without any hint of resentment or malice that the two of you aren't an item but just good friends . That way you are not cutting off other guys around you who secretly hold a candle to you.
Don't put your hopes on this guy anymore thinking he may someday make you his real personal gf. And, please don't act desperate or clingy. You are neither that old that nobody wants.
Just remember, when going out with the opposite sex, do not immediately target them or view them as potential boyfriend. Though you may not speak it out loud but your body language will show and instead of encouraging the other party to go out more with you, you will frighten them off. Men hate being view as potential bf or worse potential hubby - I used to be one of those men. Always let the men do the chasing. True, we may be living in the modern era but some qualities don't change. Let the men make the first move.
So, good luck in your next endeavor or adventure and don't immediately claim the other party is your bf if you did not get a confirmation. If the man likes you more than just a friend after a few outing they will sound out. Trust me on that young lady.
-
hmmm.. probably, u have to ask yrself some question...
1) what properties that u have that he likes ?
2) what properties that he has that u like ?
3) In his opinion, what action is consider loving ?
y ask yrself question 1 and 2 ???
I assume both of u do not have these kind of sparks since both of u have not been holding hand at all ... And thus, it is not blind love... Then, it must be something that let both of u admire each other... u have to ask yrself to make it clear...
y ask yrself question 3 ???
Very simple... U cant judge a person's love by yr opinion or society's opinion. U have to judge a person's love by his own opinion. If u noe the answer for question 3, u can feel the passion from him...
if u cant answer any of the above 3 questions, then.... -
my opinion is that he like you as a friend, and didnt like you as a girlfriend, however hes probably single, and dont see a reason why he should object to having a girl to date meanwhile. it might be that hes lonely and appreciate your company, but all along he doesnt feel that you'll be his girlfriend.
as for taking things slow.....if he really see someone he likes trust me he'll just suddenly court her, leaving you more amazed. if hes going that slow, going out with a girl for one year and not making any moves, hes not interested.
i know that from personal experience.
this is a colleague of mine, who asked me out and we got along pretty well. We hang out like almost everyday and colleagues are speculating that we're an item...it got me uncomfortable because no where did he mention that hes courting me, so I'm leave with the assumption that we're just hanging out (and not dating) but people started to tease and he even played along, so as not to feel too out i played along too, but given that there's no confirmation i reckon I'm free to date other people. (It was supposedly mutual understanding) until 6 months later (wow, that late) he decided to have a "talk".
he said he'd been thinking it over and he worries that we might not be compatible (there are plenty of issues) but in all honesty i got a shock of my life. since when did the courtship start that i should assume that we're heading anywhere and hence the talk. All I noted was that there were no intimacy involved, we're close, but no matter how near he leans he never once tried to hold my hand, which I'm taking to understand that its not quite a courtship ~ So far I'm used to more direct guys. SO yep, if he didnt try anything, for whatever reason he has, it just means he isn't considering you as gf material, just like my friend. ~ whether we like each other or not is not quite an issue but thats how it is. He made no moves, hes not seeing you as a gf.
We're still very good friends now, and though we dont hang out as often as we used to, we still keep in touch quite frequently. ^_^
So TS should really not wait around hoping he changes his mind. If he does, well good, but if you wait around, you might miss your chance to be with someone who truly appreciates you for who you are. -
yeah.. haha.. 2nd one took me less than 5min to hold her hand. lol..Originally posted by zeny:first love? -
u can take initiative to hold his hands.
ur bf may be a gentleman to show respect to u even though he may have confessed dat he like u n want u to be his gf.
to him... u might be given him an impression dat u r an angel dat by touching u, he may outrage ur purity.
-
yes this is v amazing..Originally posted by Darkness_hacker99:
1 year! and not holding hands? 
y not b friends instead? since not holding hands =x -
Can I safely say even if he decides to court you, you might not even consider him?Originally posted by Sheepophile:my opinion is that he like you as a friend, and didnt like you as a girlfriend, however hes probably single, and dont see a reason why he should object to having a girl to date meanwhile. it might be that hes lonely and appreciate your company, but all along he doesnt feel that you'll be his girlfriend.
as for taking things slow.....if he really see someone he likes trust me he'll just suddenly court her, leaving you more amazed. if hes going that slow, going out with a girl for one year and not making any moves, hes not interested.
i know that from personal experience.
this is a colleague of mine, who asked me out and we got along pretty well. We hang out like almost everyday and colleagues are speculating that we're an item...it got me uncomfortable because no where did he mention that hes courting me, so I'm leave with the assumption that we're just hanging out (and not dating) but people started to tease and he even played along, so as not to feel too out i played along too, but given that there's no confirmation i reckon I'm free to date other people. (It was supposedly mutual understanding) until 6 months later (wow, that late) he decided to have a "talk".
he said he'd been thinking it over and he worries that we might not be compatible (there are plenty of issues) but in all honesty i got a shock of my life. since when did the courtship start that i should assume that we're heading anywhere and hence the talk. All I noted was that there were no intimacy involved, we're close, but no matter how near he leans he never once tried to hold my hand, which I'm taking to understand that its not quite a courtship ~ So far I'm used to more direct guys. SO yep, if he didnt try anything, for whatever reason he has, it just means he isn't considering you as gf material, just like my friend. ~ whether we like each other or not is not quite an issue but thats how it is. He made no moves, hes not seeing you as a gf.
We're still very good friends now, and though we dont hang out as often as we used to, we still keep in touch quite frequently. ^_^
So TS should really not wait around hoping he changes his mind. If he does, well good, but if you wait around, you might miss your chance to be with someone who truly appreciates you for who you are.
I don't really agree. Just because he doesn't hold your hands means he's not interested in you? He could be a gentleman for fear of being sued for molestation..lol.. or he could be shy.
doko -
Find another guy and dump him. He deserves all of that.
-
Seriously, if a guy loves you, he will say he loves you and not he likes you. So dont overrate 'like'. He is just making use of you till he finds someone else.Originally posted by world_peace:.... he didnÂ’t say he loves me but he just said he likes me. ... -
Can you safely claim that the man did not know about TS's feelings for him? That she considered him to be her boyfriend? Ignorant to the fact that they have been together so long and so frequent that their peers have assumed they are a couple? Is he still that ignorant after one year? Or is he deliberately blind to it?
If he had some inkling of her misguided feelings for him, is it not his responsibility "as a friend" to clear the air with her? Since he refuses to do so, preferring to allow her to indulge in her fantasies, is that not a selfish, self serving and opportunistic thing to do, to a friend no less?
Not his fault?
Yes, I guess he can claim ignorance. As long as he did not make blatant promises but passively encouraged her; enticed her to continue by not saying NO but stopping short of saying YES; as long as he remained vague enough , whether he is doing all this by accident or with intent (who really knows right? ) , it's not his fault.
Oh wait, maybe it's just a lousy one-year-long simple misunderstanding
TS must share the blame lah. For being such an easy sucker for one year. See, even till now she is happy to hang on and be his companion, keeping him company when he's lonely. By being so submissive towards him, she has allowed for this to happen. (Should have read her nature from her nickname. ) Some girls just don't know when to walk away.
You are absolutely right that the man knows what he wants. He knows exactly how to play her. World peace is tragically out-classed in this game.
Thank goodness at least she has bags to show for. They'd better be luxury brands not some cheap Renoma stuff.
Y'hear that world peace? It's HERMES or nothing!Originally posted by FocusPoint:As someone mention a male can go out with a female merely for companionship. There is nothing wrong in that. So, why ditch the guy? Why like putting the blame on the man? I don't see the man has any fault. and he don't need to clarify anything to her when all he wanted was a friend. -
I think it's too harsh to say he's making use of her. All along it's TS reading too deep into the situation and I don't see anywhere he's making use of her. She could have easily dated other guys in which case she did not.Originally posted by tingal79:Seriously, if a guy loves you, he will say he loves you and not he likes you. So dont overrate 'like'. He is just making use of you till he finds someone else.
And when the guy feels nothing for her, of course he did not say nor do anything.
It's fair to say after so long, they are just activity partners.
doko -
Actually she should have cleared the air earlier instead of waiting for a year and counting, if she really wants to know where she stands, instead of acting aloof and high-class. Also, the other mistake she made was considering only that guy as an only option. Diversify your options like in stocks. If one fail, at least you have a backup.Originally posted by choco B:Can you safely claim that the man did not know about TS's feelings for him? That she considered him to be her boyfriend? Ignorant to the fact that they have been together so long and so frequent that their peers have assumed they are a couple? Is he still that ignorant after one year? Or is he deliberately blind to it?
If he had some inkling of her misguided feelings for him, is it not his responsibility "as a friend" to clear the air with her? Since he refuses to do so, preferring to allow her to indulge in her fantasies, is that not a selfish, self serving and opportunistic thing to do, to a friend no less?
Not his fault? Yes, I guess he can claim ignorance. As long as he did not make blatant promises but passively encouraged her; enticed her to continue by not saying NO but stopping short of saying YES; as long as he remained vague enough , whether he is doing all this by accident or with intent (who really knows right? ) , it's not his fault.
Oh wait, maybe it's just a lousy one-year-long simple misunderstanding
TS must share the blame lah. For being such an easy sucker for one year. See, even till now she is happy to hang on and be his companion, keeping him company when he's lonely. By being so submissive towards him, she has allowed for this to happen. (Should have read her nature from her nickname. ) Some girls just don't know when to walk away.
You are absolutely right that the man knows what he wants. He knows exactly how to play her. World peace is tragically out-classed in this game.
Thank goodness at least she has bags to show for. They'd better be luxury brands not some cheap Renoma stuff.
Y'hear that world peace? It's HERMES or nothing!
doko -
See TS, you'd better do the smart thing else you won't even get the sympathy votes
-
Can i ask something.Originally posted by world_peace:You are right, there is a strain in the relationship after that lunch. Not that we are doing anything different, we are still having the routine lunch and outing together. Maybe like some of you suggested, I should grab his hands and see his reaction.
I am 27 and he does not look 33 so I said we are in our twenties, so that you won't think the age gap is a problem.
Do you really know what you are doing anymore? -
Since this guy is 33 and not entirely oblivious to dating, he should know better by making a move, or at least show he wants a hint of romance in his day to day action around you.
Listen to your intuition, sometimes the gut is around to tell you what logic and emotions cannot define.
It's tough for anyone to say what this guy is up to because we're not in your position. You may be leaving out a lot of details too. IMHO, If I were you, I'd think maybe he's not interested if he is not showing signs that he wants me. He may be looking for a way out, or he's ensuring that the door will be wide open for him when he finds better company.
Sometimes can look for signs also?
Is he nervous or like a puppy dog around you? Or does he slap your back and say "yo bro, how's your day man...?"
Does he talk about his past relationships?
Is he affectionate with you? Or does he talk to you like you're a friend and avoid physical contact? Platonic male friends and males interested in you romantically treat you differently. Usually females are good at spotting differences in body language? How does this guy make you feel?
Does he show interest in knowing whether you are dating other people?
When you don't contact each other for 1 or 2 weeks, does he call you? Or tells you he misses you?
Is he interested in your life?
Does he ask about your day?
TS must be honest with herself then proceed from there. -
erm at 27........best u start elsewhere.Originally posted by world_peace:You are right, there is a strain in the relationship after that lunch. Not that we are doing anything different, we are still having the routine lunch and outing together. Maybe like some of you suggested, I should grab his hands and see his reaction.
I am 27 and he does not look 33 so I said we are in our twenties, so that you won't think the age gap is a problem. -
Very reflective questions. Good one, jackdaniels.Originally posted by jackdaniels:Since this guy is 33 and not entirely oblivious to dating, he should know better by making a move, or at least show he wants a hint of romance in his day to day action around you.
Listen to your intuition, sometimes the gut is around to tell you what logic and emotions cannot define.
It's tough for anyone to say what this guy is up to because we're not in your position. You may be leaving out a lot of details too. IMHO, If I were you, I'd think maybe he's not interested if he is not showing signs that he wants me. He may be looking for a way out, or he's ensuring that the door will be wide open for him when he finds better company.
Sometimes can look for signs also?
Is he nervous or like a puppy dog around you? Or does he slap your back and say "yo bro, how's your day man...?"
Does he talk about his past relationships?
Is he affectionate with you? Or does he talk to you like you're a friend and avoid physical contact? Platonic male friends and males interested in you romantically treat you differently. Usually females are good at spotting differences in body language? How does this guy make you feel?
Does he show interest in knowing whether you are dating other people?
When you don't contact each other for 1 or 2 weeks, does he call you? Or tells you he misses you?
Is he interested in your life?
Does he ask about your day?
TS must be honest with herself then proceed from there. -
my feeling is that he is really not into u..Originally posted by world_peace:Well thanks for all the concerns and attention from all of you.
I didnÂ’t manage to meet him on Sunday, because he sprained his ankle and had to rest at home. However I managed to lunch with him alone yesterday and asked him the question. He said hand holding is just a gesture, when couples hold hands, it does not mean they are truly together. He said there have been many young couples holding hands in the streets, but that does not mean they will really end up together either. He said at this age (i.e. 33), he prefers to go slow; he didnÂ’t say he loves me but he just said he likes me. Then he wondered why I have started to ask him these questions, he asked if I am seeing someone else. I replied no, and that ended our discussion. There wasn't much time to discuss further after lunch.
Not sure what to think, looks like there will be a period of slow moving before we hold hands.
i think hes like holding out 1st while looking out for better pastures..
he likes u.. but i dun think he likes u enough to go into really long-term r/s with u.
my advice..
ditch him b4 he ditches u. -
TS, i think you should keep your comfortable distance away from him yet maintaining some form of contact. Do not see him as your bf, coz from wad u related, I feel you guys are more of activity partners den in a relationship.Originally posted by club18:my feeling is that he is really not into u..
i think hes like holding out 1st while looking out for better pastures..
he likes u.. but i dun think he likes u enough to go into really long-term r/s with u.
my advice..
ditch him b4 he ditches u.
But let him feel that you are not as easily available and always there for him , and see what he does? If he loves you, he will do something about it right? Like a confession or do/say something to assure that your love for him is reciprocated and worth your time. You seriously cannot be waiting endlessly for this guy to "wake up " his idea.
Try to see him as a good friend. It will help you in times of crisis.