Cancelled ROM
-
Interesting thing is.
Her previous relationship, she never marries those guys. So why does it affect her current relationship which the TS mentioned, are totally different from the 1st 2 guys?
TS, her calling off the marriage like that, meant that she has not evasioned living her rest of her life with you. Nor can she imagine her children to be liked you.
Asking you to seek greener pasture, just means that she is conscientious enough to tell you.
She cant settle with you. You may be a great guy, may have been the best kind of guy any gal can wish for. But at this time, at this stage in her life. You arent that much of a ideal for her.
My favourite description has always been: Being the right guy, at the wrong time of her life.
If you are still available maybe 5 years later, you might just be in time for when her biological clock is ticking, and both your pherohormones might match enough to give both of you a reason to get married, have kids and settle together.
Dont give up hope yet, because there has been examples of people breaking up. calling off weddings, and eventually still getting back together and raising a family. -
Oakley,
It's called "cold feet".
Your case is not unique.
Getting married is a big step in life.
A final decision, one which you will either live to regret or live to rejoice.
She's still waiting for her dream guy.
The prince charming to sweep her off her feet. And in this case, you are not him.
I reckon she is a romantic at heart.
You need to let go.
To seek greener pasture.
You need to seek your true princess.
For she is not her.
If you stick around, she may eventually accept the marriage.
But in this case, she will only be marrying you because she has no other choice. -
I totally agree with you in most of your comments.Originally posted by jojobeach:Oakley,
It's called "cold feet".
Your case is not unique.
Getting married is a big step in life.
A final decision, one which you will either live to regret or live to rejoice.
She's still waiting for her dream guy.
The prince charming to sweep her off her feet. And in this case, you are not him.
I reckon she is a romantic at heart.
You need to let go.
To seek greener pasture.
You need to seek your true princess.
For she is not her.
If you stick around, she may eventually accept the marriage.
But in this case, she will only be marrying you because she has no other choice.
My advice to Oakley1976 is to move on. It is sad but true. She does not deserve your love. As mentioned by jojobeach, she is a romantic at heart. Also, the gal is already 29 and to make such a hugh decision not to go ahead with ROM shows that she is not ready to settle down because she feels you are not the guy for her.
Also, what is she thinking, after you propose to her and she agreed and later called off after so much preparation work was being done. I mean cant she take more time to consider about the proposal first? If I am that gal's parents, I will be angry with that gal. Pardon me for being traditional but some parents will be happy for their children's decision (to call off) cos they also do not want their children to have unhappy marriages.
I know you will be disheartened but the best thing to do is to move on. Go and find younger gals. I am around your age so I will more or less guess your financial position. If you are graduate and is at senior management position, you will be financially stable to provide a comfortable life for her, as mentioned in your response yourself that you have stable income. I am not trying to influence you to be selfish but I believe you deserve someone better.
Do not let her have the notion that you are still her "back up" plan. Thats why she proposed a 6 month "cooling off" period. The truth is she still cannot forget about her ex-bf who treated her badly. Maybe in that relationship, she has given her all and her supposely "Prince Charming" did not turn out to be a happy fairy tale ending. I believe there is no third party and she is just not ready to settle down because of her past failed relationship.
Be kind to yourself and get attached to younger and prettier gals. Let her regret for what she has done. As mentioned by jojobeach, if you stick around, she may eventually accept your marriage. But seriously as a guy, would you want to accept someone again who has rejected you big time before? What would your relatives and frens ask you....."Is she very sure now????"
I hope your mentality will not be like this "You have everything that you wanted in your life, a stable job, you being a nice and eligible bachelor; just that you cannot have the gal that you want (at this moment), that makes you feel at a loss or disheartened".
Move on, be it in your career or social circle of frens.
Disclaimer:
Btw I hope my comments are not strong and heaily bias against the gal and that the gal is wrong and also I have not experienced rejected proposal/ROM. My frens always commented I am a MCP and I do not disagree with them.
I wish Oakley1976 all the best in finding someone who will appreciate and treasure him. I believed his frens will also advise him the way I did. -
A guy will confortable stable income and treat a gal well will not be enough to win the special gal's heart over. It takes more than that!
Btw,how did u propose to yr ger? Just by asking?? -
what else?Originally posted by CannyOng:A guy will confortable stable income and treat a gal well will not be enough to win the special gal's heart over. It takes more than that! -
double post
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double post
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make her feel never sick of being with u for the rest of the life!Originally posted by Marco_Simone:what else? -
Very cham... don't know what to say also. Think you must be patient. Don't give her so much pressure for now... wait a while... be a friend for now... don't bring up marriage. Go for vacation, take the time to focus on your career ok? Make some good money and bring her out for vacation, loosen up a bit.Originally posted by oakley1976:I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company. Spend alot of our time together. Sometimes I sleep over at her place, whenever time is in favour. Come 3 and a half years of our relationship, I popped the question, asking for her hand in marriage. She mentioned that she is not prepared and not ready to commit, not because she comes from a broken family or had bad experience before. Relative and friends of ours are in favour. Finally abt a year ago, she decided to go ahead with the wedding plans.
We talked alot and decided to live together with my family and have the ROM in the first week of June 07. She and I were looking forward to the big day.
All arrangements has been made; JP, venue of ROM, invited guest, catering, ROM gown, flowers... everything... even collected the cert from ROM.
Then 3 days just before the ROM, she decided to call it off... She says she is not ready. She mentioned that she feels obliged to get married rather than wanting to get married.
She says that it is not my fault. She mentioned have been good to her and it is more than she asked for. She knows that I have been wanting to start a family with her but she is not ready and she also mentioned that she might not even want to get married...
The wedding day is over.
I met her 2 times to talk about the current state of our relationship. She mentioned that she needed time to think... needed 6 months or even longer... or even never to come to a solution. She added that during this period she wants me to seek for better pasture... and does not promise that we could be an item again.
I do not know how to discribe our current state of our relationship. She does still address me as baby, shows concern for me, sents me SMS/ MMS like we used to...
I may sound childish in this... I was allowed to hold her hand and stroke it not allowed to interlock our hands together...
I actually am at a lost of what to do of our relationship...
Her only explaination was that she is afraid to get married... with no deeper reason why...
Her 2 ex-bf had treated her badly. Not spending enough time with her, asking her for money.
During this past 5 years... I have always been assuring her and been faithful to her. As time went by my world revolves around her. Spending much of our time together when we are free.
Now that we are taking this time off. I feel like a part of myself missing.
She told me that she knows that I have been good to her and she could not find anyone else that treats her so well. If she is to go through this ROM it will be more of a obligation rather than love. And there is no other guys in her life currently. She asked me to look for other pastures during this cooling off period... I was dishearten. If I meant so much to her why would she asked me to look for other pastures...
I also have another interpretion of her asking me to look for other pastures... I worried that it might be as she does not want to hurt me so badly now... hopefully it does not hurt that much in 6 months.
If you really want to make this work you mustn't be too occupied with getting hurt. Must hurt then can find love. Everything in life is a gamble. Everything. Including love and being with the woman you love. That is all you can do for now.
There are other factors beyond your control too. But if I were you I will wait 6 months rather than kick myself for wondering about the what ifs and could have beens when I'm 66 and reminiscing on my rocking chair.
All the best. You take care ok my friend.
Affectionately and sympathetically,
Ah Ma -
TS it's sad but sh.it does happen to good ppl....
frm wat u posted, giving a time period with no guarantee no deadline, i think she has oledi made up her mind... just tat she dun have the heart to tell u straight.... it's hard for u now, but not impossible to move on.
let time heal.. mourn if u need to, let all the sadness be released.. but dun sink in it... life sucks but life goes on.... take care -
hm....
she is pressured to get marry as u stated that she had some bad experiences
she is afraid of the bad experiences
hm.... the thing now is wait for her to make up her mind or u find a greener pastures...
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You have to sit down with her and talk to her one more time. The previous times u talk with her, it seems she is being vague about certain things. Tell her that no one is forcing her to get married, that you will be by her side when she needs u. However, it is unfair for the both of u to carry on in this ambigious state.Originally posted by oakley1976:I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company. Spend alot of our time together. Sometimes I sleep over at her place, whenever time is in favour. Come 3 and a half years of our relationship, I popped the question, asking for her hand in marriage. She mentioned that she is not prepared and not ready to commit, not because she comes from a broken family or had bad experience before. Relative and friends of ours are in favour. Finally abt a year ago, she decided to go ahead with the wedding plans.
We talked alot and decided to live together with my family and have the ROM in the first week of June 07. She and I were looking forward to the big day.
All arrangements has been made; JP, venue of ROM, invited guest, catering, ROM gown, flowers... everything... even collected the cert from ROM.
Then 3 days just before the ROM, she decided to call it off... She says she is not ready. She mentioned that she feels obliged to get married rather than wanting to get married.
She says that it is not my fault. She mentioned have been good to her and it is more than she asked for. She knows that I have been wanting to start a family with her but she is not ready and she also mentioned that she might not even want to get married...
The wedding day is over.
I met her 2 times to talk about the current state of our relationship. She mentioned that she needed time to think... needed 6 months or even longer... or even never to come to a solution. She added that during this period she wants me to seek for better pasture... and does not promise that we could be an item again.
I do not know how to discribe our current state of our relationship. She does still address me as baby, shows concern for me, sents me SMS/ MMS like we used to...
I may sound childish in this... I was allowed to hold her hand and stroke it not allowed to interlock our hands together...
I actually am at a lost of what to do of our relationship...
Her only explaination was that she is afraid to get married... with no deeper reason why...
Her 2 ex-bf had treated her badly. Not spending enough time with her, asking her for money.
During this past 5 years... I have always been assuring her and been faithful to her. As time went by my world revolves around her. Spending much of our time together when we are free.
Now that we are taking this time off. I feel like a part of myself missing.
She told me that she knows that I have been good to her and she could not find anyone else that treats her so well. If she is to go through this ROM it will be more of a obligation rather than love. And there is no other guys in her life currently. She asked me to look for other pastures during this cooling off period... I was dishearten. If I meant so much to her why would she asked me to look for other pastures...
I also have another interpretion of her asking me to look for other pastures... I worried that it might be as she does not want to hurt me so badly now... hopefully it does not hurt that much in 6 months.
Ask her what she wants. More importantly, ask her if she loves u still, or is she just being with u in this relationship just because of "xi guan" I hate to say it, but it sounds to me that it is the latter. She said that is more of a obligation to get ROM with u. If she's in love with u, she won't say that. Ask her what's the most important thing in her life right now. Is it work? Freedom? Or you? Tell her(but only if u yourself can handle it) that you are willing to let her free, and break up with her just as long as she ask for it. Just do not keep quiet, and let time solve everything, because it won't. -
shld encourage her to see a pyschologist
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you posted at wedding forum right??
dont waste ur time. is hard to get pass this period.
but.. jia you!! -
My husband is a scientist by profession, I love him for his steady-being
A very old story but meaningful as ever.
nature, and I love the warm feeling while lean against his broad shoulder.
Three years in the courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have
to admit, I am getting tired of it, the reasons of me loving him before has
now transform into the cause of all the restlessness. I am a sentimental
woman and extremely sensitive and exquisite when it comes to relationship
and feelings, I yearn for romantic moments, as though a little boy yearning
for candy. And my husband, is just a contrast of me, his lack of
sensitivity, and of all, inability of bringing romantic moments into our
marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell
him my decision, that I want a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocking.
"I am tired, there aren't reasons for everything in the world" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thoughts the whole
night
with cigarette lighted all the times. My feeling of disappointment is
getting intense, a man who can't even express his detainment, what else can
I hope from him? And finally he asked :" What can I do to change your
mind?"
Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I
guess, I have started losing faith in him. Look deep into his eyes and I
slowly answered : "Here is a question, if you can find the answer in my
heart, I will change my mind, Let say, I love a flower at a mountain cliff,
and we both sure that the making you to pick the flower will cause death,
will you do it for me?"
He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...."; My heart just sink by
listening to his respond.
The next morning, he was not around, and I saw a piece of paper with his
scratching writing, underneath a glass of warm milk,
It goes....
"Dear, I would not pick that flower for you, but please allowed me ! to
fu rther explain the reasons "
This first line has already break my heart. I continue reading.
"You can only type with computer and always messed up the programs in the
PC, and cries in front of screen, I have to saved my fingers so that I can
help to restore the programs. You always left the house key behind, I have
to save my legs to rush home for opening the door for you. You love
traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to
leads you the way.
You always has the cramp whenever your "good friend" approach every month,
I
have to save my palm so that I can calm the cramp at your tummy. You like
to
stays indoor, and I worries that you will be infected by infantile autism.
I have to save my mouth to tells you jokes and stories to cure your
boredom.
You always stared at the computers, and that do no good to your eyes, I
have
to save my eyes so that when we grow older, I can help to clip your
nails,and help to removed those annoying white hairs. I will hold your
hand,
stroll down the beach, enjoying the sunshine and the beautiful sands...
tells you the colour of flowers, just like the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, before I am sure there are someone who loves you more than I
do... I would not pick the flower, and die.. "
My tears drops on the letters, and blurred the ink of his hand writing...
and I resume my reading...
"And now, dear... you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied
with these answers, please open the door of our house, I am standing
there,with your favorites bread and fresh milk... I rush to pull open the
door, and saw his anxious face, with his hand holding tight on the milk and
bread.... Oh I am sure no one ever love me as much, and now I have decided
to leave the flower alone...
That's life, or some said, love, when one is surrounded by love, the
feeling
of excitement fade away, and one tend to ignore the ! true love lies in
between
the peace and dullness.
Love shows in any form, even a very little and corny form, it has never
been
a model, it could be the most incurious form.. . flowers, romantic moments
is only the buckish formed on the surface of the relationship.
Under all these, the pillar of truelove stands... and that's our life... I
hope everyone enjoy reading it... love, but not words win the arguments...
Many people tend to over look peace and dullness.
Jia you! -
I think it's a blessing in disguise the ROM didn't materialise. Can you imagaine the agony and the suffering TS have to go through if after a few months or worse a few years later into the marriage wants a divorce?
TS should feel lucky no major damage was done to him emotionally yet. He should go out and give himself a chance to truly look for someone who is more worthy of his love and affection. -
how about the health of your gf?
just make sure she is not hiding anything from you so as not to hurt you. -
If you want my opinion... it would hurt.
I feel that the girl is merely taking a liking to TS and not actual love itself. She do not dislike him but it does not meant that she really love him.
I think that she discovered it long ago and thus had been avoiding the commitment. It could be the fact that TS is treating her too well that make her wanting to commit to repay his kindness.
I think that she was fooling herself all along and finally when the date drew near, her feet became cold and decided to back out of the commitment.
Do not feel dishearted. The cooling period could be a good step. It allow her to think thoroughly and decide who is the one for her. That is provided that no one is actually present in her life now or comes into her life during this period.
It would be better to end as it is then to drag on with years of sorrow and bitterness that actually will smear the least friendship that could actually exist between you and her.
So, for now. You can either wait for her reply or look for a new love. Do not add pressure on her as it will only lessen the chance of her coming back for you.
-
I am sorry and hope that things will turn out for the best for you and your girl.
-
A beautiful story for every married couple.Originally posted by Rustyhong:A very old story but meaningful as ever.
Many people tend to over look peace and dullness.
Jia you! -
play dota and forget her
-
I think TS got cheated for 5 years.
I think the girl is very selfish...she should at least give TS an answer asap? or probably should not have let the relationship lasted for 5 years.
Youth passes...very soon TS will be old liao leh. -
We met today. We talked. But there was no real answer to my questions... I asked if I am the 'one'... She does not know and not sure but one thing is for sure is that there is no 3rd party.
Her family are all upset with her decision.
Answering some of your questions:
- I proposed to her while i was taking a stroll with her at Pasir Ris Beach.
- She has no illness of any sort -
I feel that life is meaningless... heart is broken... lost of what to do.
I wished that I could turn back time. So that I could spend time that I spend with her again... wished that this did not happened.
I really do not what to do. How to carry on.... -
You are not the one.Originally posted by oakley1976:We met today. We talked. But there was no real answer to my questions... I asked if I am the 'one'... She does not know and not sure but one thing is for sure is that there is no 3rd party.
Her family are all upset with her decision.
Answering some of your questions:
- I proposed to her while i was taking a stroll with her at Pasir Ris Beach.
- She has no illness of any sort
A girl knows the one when she meet him.
And it does not take 5 years to know he is the one. So obviously, you are not that ONE.
She just don't want to reject you out right.
Let it go.