Cancelled ROM
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Take a vacation to another country.Originally posted by oakley1976:I feel that life is meaningless... heart is broken... lost of what to do.
I wished that I could turn back time. So that I could spend time that I spend with her again... wished that this did not happened.
I really do not what to do. How to carry on....
Best way to heal a broken heart.
Ever tried backpacking ? -
poor thing man..hope she thinks it out properly..
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She is the best thing that happen to me... now that she is gone... I miss her alot... I really do not know what to do...
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hey Bro,
U need time dude.
rant as much as you want.
talk to ur frds, buddies.
Get it off your chest.
the forumers here can give 5 stars analysis of the situation or give u all the best suggestions and advices in the world.
but it aint going to help. cuz u r emotionally distraught. and u cant think logically and rationally.
U need time dude.
1st step - clear all negative emotions.
How?
According to scientic research, it is not possible to feel any negative emotions when u completely relax your body.
Do that now.
2nd step - get it off your chest and let go.
For me, its blasting the SOCCER BALL into the back of the net. how abt you?
I'm Aware that doing all this will not improve or solve the situation but being in a negative state will not either- between the 2 which will u choose.
If u r looking for solutions here, there are none.
cos we are not you and therefore cannot fully understand the big picture.
we can only speculate and come out reasons and suggestions which we think can help you.
FOr now... u NEED TIME!
Once u r back to normal again. u'll realise that this is a difficult phase u had to go thru. -
Wait and do not pressure her too much.
Do not remind or ask her anything about the marriage.
Thats the best thing you can do now IMO.
Dont think too much also, let things flow naturally.
Hopefully things will turn for the better then.
Good luck. -
Some how, I think i know how your gf feels...
I too come from a broken family... in fact most families i know are in one way or another 'broken'...
and deep down inside, i just have no faith in marriage... when my 1st relationship felt like it's heading toward that direction, i had to break it off.
cos in my mind, if i know i'm not ready and may never be ready, i had to do it. i can't let him waste his time and youth on me.
your gf may be finding it more difficult to let go...
ask yourself this...
if marriage is really the issue here, Are you willing to stay with her, knowing that she may NEVER wanna take the next step?
if the answer is no... move on bro.
if it's yes, tell her that. -
SOLUTIONS.
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I THINK you are at the age of 32 years old, in terms of time, i think you have invested enough in her. Sometimes when you treat someone too well, they may NOT learn to appreciate you. Trust me. Maybe its time to seek another one, a replacement, you will feel much better and soon, you will be able to forget her. Trust me. There will be a time, when this another her replaces her. Maybe when she realise that shes losing you, she will then rein in. ANd come for you. that occurs 50% of the time. If she doesnt, I think Its time to get go. -
frm the day my ex broke with me, i spent much more time here in AA..Originally posted by oakley1976:I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company. Spend alot of our time together. Sometimes I sleep over at her place, whenever time is in favour. Come 3 and a half years of our relationship, I popped the question, asking for her hand in marriage. She mentioned that she is not prepared and not ready to commit, not because she comes from a broken family or had bad experience before. Relative and friends of ours are in favour. Finally abt a year ago, she decided to go ahead with the wedding plans.
We talked alot and decided to live together with my family and have the ROM in the first week of June 07. She and I were looking forward to the big day.
All arrangements has been made; JP, venue of ROM, invited guest, catering, ROM gown, flowers... everything... even collected the cert from ROM.
Then 3 days just before the ROM, she decided to call it off... She says she is not ready. She mentioned that she feels obliged to get married rather than wanting to get married.
She says that it is not my fault. She mentioned have been good to her and it is more than she asked for. She knows that I have been wanting to start a family with her but she is not ready and she also mentioned that she might not even want to get married...
The wedding day is over.
I met her 2 times to talk about the current state of our relationship. She mentioned that she needed time to think... needed 6 months or even longer... or even never to come to a solution. She added that during this period she wants me to seek for better pasture... and does not promise that we could be an item again.
I do not know how to discribe our current state of our relationship. She does still address me as baby, shows concern for me, sents me SMS/ MMS like we used to...
I may sound childish in this... I was allowed to hold her hand and stroke it not allowed to interlock our hands together...
I actually am at a lost of what to do of our relationship...
Her only explaination was that she is afraid to get married... with no deeper reason why...
Her 2 ex-bf had treated her badly. Not spending enough time with her, asking her for money.
During this past 5 years... I have always been assuring her and been faithful to her. As time went by my world revolves around her. Spending much of our time together when we are free.
Now that we are taking this time off. I feel like a part of myself missing.
She told me that she knows that I have been good to her and she could not find anyone else that treats her so well. If she is to go through this ROM it will be more of a obligation rather than love. And there is no other guys in her life currently. She asked me to look for other pastures during this cooling off period... I was dishearten. If I meant so much to her why would she asked me to look for other pastures...
I also have another interpretion of her asking me to look for other pastures... I worried that it might be as she does not want to hurt me so badly now... hopefully it does not hurt that much in 6 months.
everyday, there's at least 1 thread abt r/s.. mostly is a never happy ending..
and i assume, and agree to some1, tht girls very hard to fathom..
yes u can say i think like this becoz of my ex broke with me..
and my feeling just exactly like how u feel now.. so sad, indeep inpain, and cant get her out frm mind... but time really can heal everything...
my ex broke with me just 3 weeks ago..
now i dont miss her like how i miss her last time, but i do still care and love her.. but i choose to not contacting her anymore..
last night, i just happen to saw her with her bf when i stepping out frm the lift, and she hide besie her bf dont even dare to look at me...
but wat can i do? still have to move on...
let me tell u,
no matter how many reply how we suggest, u will still inpain, the more u reply, post here will make u more sad.. but always remember, speak it out rather thn keep in ur heart..
take care.. -
One thing I have learnt is that you do not try to change others. You adapt to them.Originally posted by oakley1976:I (currently 32 yrs of age) have known this particular girl for almost 5 years. She (currently 29 yrs of age) is a very nice, thoughtful, pretty and caring. Through this 5 years we enjoyed each others company.
If you cannot adapt, then you avoid where possible (another way to adapt) and if not possible to avoid, you switch off.
You situation is simple enough...
She does not love you enough to marry you.
She asks you to "look for greener pastures"
Just do it then, look for greener pastures. Cope with the feelings as beat as you can. -
oakley1976,
Maybe this will help you to understand her psyche..
If you put yourself in her shoes...
She has had 2 failed relationships in the past, and perhaps she has lost faith in love itself... she likes you enough to be a close boyfriend.. but somehow she has fear and doubt in the future... that's why she doesn't look forward to the marriage (want to be married)...
but loving you, she doesn't want to make 2 people's lives miserable as a result of her decision, hence she asked you to find a better girl...
my suggestion to you is:
give her a little more time...
don't ask for explanations anymore
just enjoy being together
maybe the spontaneity and passion is lacking in your relationship...
you need effort to bring it back...
take one step back, and tat means a genuine one step back..
don't be too goal-oriented in the relationship...
good luck, pal.. -
True... but i find replying to other threads, helping others out really takes my mind off my own problems...Originally posted by kiss_my (_i_):let me tell u,
no matter how many reply how we suggest, u will still inpain, the more u reply, post here will make u more sad.. but always remember, speak it out rather thn keep in ur heart..
take care..
and helps me to realise I AM NOT ALONE!
try it TS. -
tell her no need get married, see what she thinks
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All i can say is, prepare to move on. I feel sad for uOriginally posted by oakley1976:To help you i need to understand a few things first.
1) Did you have sex with her? Yes I did
2) if yes is she happy to go on with life with you without the ROM cert? We were happy until the day she wanted to forgo the ROM...
4) Did her parents ever abuse her? No.. But when she is much younger her parents wanted to give her up to another family... but her grandma stoped them and looked after her.... however till date she is contact wih her parents whom she gives a small token of allowance to every month
5) Are you willing to stay with her without getting married? I hope to settle down with her
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Originally posted by oakley1976:I feel that life is meaningless... heart is broken... lost of what to do.
I wished that I could turn back time. So that I could spend time that I spend with her again... wished that this did not happened.
I really do not what to do. How to carry on.... -
Actually past experience can affect one more than one would admit...
She has had bad experience with her ex-es, she might be afraid to commit, as she finds it hard to put her faith and trust in yet another guy. I know it is unfair to you, but like what I said just now, we are often affected by our past without even realizing it...
Try to give her time, don't just break off contact with her for the entire 6 months, during this time, stand by her and don't pressure her to get married anymore. -
Be strong, this too will pass.Originally posted by oakley1976:She is the best thing that happen to me... now that she is gone... I miss her alot... I really do not know what to do...
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You have told us how much you care and think about her?
Maybe you will like to share how much she actually care and think of you?
There are actually 2 perceptions when she asked you to seek a greener pasture
1) She wish to let u go as her affection for you may not be as strong as before
2) She wish to let u go because she is uncertain about her future with you, though she has the feeling for you, but she is not selfish enough to keep you by her side, wasting your time and patient on her.
I hope the answer is option 2.
Waiting may give you the better rational answer.
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R u willing to walk thru her ups and down without getting married? Loving a person doesnt mean u HAVE to get married.. Is base on 2 person willing to commited to each other.. If u r then dont presure her into marriage. Let the topic go and stand by her and prove it to her that u r willing to love her and stick with her even without the marriage commitment. Juz my opinion.. Good luck!
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Originally posted by oakley1976:We met today. We talked. But there was no real answer to my questions... I asked if I am the 'one'... She does not know and not sure but one thing is for sure is that there is no 3rd party.
Her family are all upset with her decision.
Answering some of your questions:
- I proposed to her while i was taking a stroll with her at Pasir Ris Beach.
- She has no illness of any sort
I am sure she has no illness too; just some issues choked at where her heart lies. Currently, it looks like it's case-close-until-further-notice.
If you can't convince her to return back to the relationship for now, you probably have to play by ear and plan your moves. To me, you don't have to drop this yet, you just might have to observe how this goes.
Just for you: if you are interested, I can steal a peek at her birth chart using my limited knowledge in astrology if you can provide me her basic details (which includes (i) birthday, (ii) time born and (iii) place born).
Cheers -
oakley, i've been in your shoes and i know how you feel exactly. Of all the answers I've read, MetalGear has the best response.Originally posted by MetalGear:bro..
Sometimes a girl is with a guy out of being used to the norm, vice versa. So when you proposed to her, it was like the jerking point of her to wake up and evaluate her position. I can even tell u that she might not really love love you. But more of like you coz of how you showed concern and attention to her. It does happen bro.
Anyway, you are 32. You can always seek other pastures easily. It's a fact that guys have the upper hand in marriages, they can marry much younger girls but it does not work vice versa. Sad, but true. So what I would recommend you to do is, be there for her. But dun be overwhelming and pushy. But start looking elsewhere. You have your priorities (find a good wife and start a family) etc, if she is not up to that, seriously, be honest with yourself and let her go.
A good analogy is stocks (i am a trader, so I think in terms of markets). You are like an investor. She is like a stock. Your love, time and effort for her is like your limited pool of funds. She was supposed to be a good stock but now she is put off by marriage and ask you to seek other pastures. So you should do as she says, start finding other 'stocks' to invest a little on standby. Whilst this girl takes her time to think through things, you just wait around n see if she is up to it. If she's not able to perform, you gotta 'pull out your funds from her and put it into another stock'.
You have your priorities, she is entitled to have hers too. If she can't meet yours forever, you can't stay around forever right? Cut your losses and move on. Remember the good times but really, be practical. Just like you gotta be financially stable to get married
Good luck
One of the things you've got to understand is that women have this commitment fear right before marriage. I have heard this exact scenario happened to at least another 5 female friends of mine (and it happened to my ex-fiancee too)
The main reason stems from the fact that her heart is not ready to settle down. She does not want to tell you the truth because she's afraid to hurt you, but the truth is that she still wants to explore and she wants you to do the same to be fair to you. The reason why she agreed to ROM in the first place is probably because she was scared to say no to you because you're too nice to her and she does not want to hurt you with the truth.
I know your heart must be ripped to pieces now and you are probably thinking what the f**k have you done wrongly to deserve this treatment from her. The one thing you did wrongly was that you love her too much and was too nice to her. Sounds crazy, but women freaks out if their man is too nice to them.
You got to force yourself to stop communicating with her. Stop all SMS, ignore all her phonecalls, don't see her for 6 months. Don't let her take you for granted anymore. If she still loves you truly, she will come begging to come back together again and she will then dedicate her life 100% to you. If you carry on like this, it will be a worse problem to find out that your wife is cheating on you with another man.
Let me know if you want to have a drink together and need a listening ear. I can fully appreciate what you are going through because i've been in your shoes before. Sigh, women are complex creatures. Men are ok with stable relationships but women cannot take stable relationships. -
I've heard this before.Originally posted by gacyfishy:Men are ok with stable relationships but women cannot take stable relationships. -
Sometimes, the woman wait and wait for the guy to propose.
Sometimes, the woman not ready but have to accept proposal because don't want to dissapoint the guy of so many years.
So how ?
Is it ok for a girl to reject the proposal if she is not ready , yet not have to risk losing the relationship ?
After she reject, will she need to be the one to make the proposal ?
Will she need to wait till the next time hoping he will propose again ? -
It's probably her experience of a broken family and her past relationships that are affecting her.
Whatever reasons made her change her mind, whether to choose to move on or to stay by her side, you cannot let your world collapse.
I know this is a hard fall. You have to pick yourself up and be strong. Forget about the wedding preparations that seemed to be gone down the drain. Forget about the relatives' expectations.
Let yourselves be healed first. This, will take some time.
Take care. -
personally, i think that if the girl is not ready to accept the proposal, it's better to say no than to say yes. Marriage is a sacred thing, and not meant to be played like a game. The odds of losing the relationship is high, but the girl must be fair to the guy too. Cheating in a marriage is the worst crime ever, and adulterers ought to be stoned (in fact, they still do it in the highly religious countries)Originally posted by jojobeach:Sometimes, the woman wait and wait for the guy to propose.
Sometimes, the woman not ready but have to accept proposal because don't want to dissapoint the guy of so many years.
So how ?
Is it ok for a girl to reject the proposal if she is not ready , yet not have to risk losing the relationship ?
After she reject, will she need to be the one to make the proposal ?
Will she need to wait till the next time hoping he will propose again ?
it's up to the woman whether she wants to propose marriage to the guy. But really, if both parties are in the right state of mind at the right stage in life, this thing will come naturally.
relationships are so complex. women try so hard to find the right guy but when they find him, they dump him. that's why even though man can land on the moon, but man will never crack the mystery of a woman. -
I beg to differ. Women are no mystery. Guys think too much. It's all in the mind and people start thinking they are different creatures.Originally posted by gacyfishy:personally, i think that if the girl is not ready to accept the proposal, it's better to say no than to say yes. Marriage is a sacred thing, and not meant to be played like a game. The odds of losing the relationship is high, but the girl must be fair to the guy too. Cheating in a marriage is the worst crime ever, and adulterers ought to be stoned (in fact, they still do it in the highly religious countries)
it's up to the woman whether she wants to propose marriage to the guy. But really, if both parties are in the right state of mind at the right stage in life, this thing will come naturally.
relationships are so complex. women try so hard to find the right guy but when they find him, they dump him. that's why even though man can land on the moon, but man will never crack the mystery of a woman.
doko