Should I gave up?
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Originally posted by dokono:Finding himself is one thing. But I believe he is a nice guy and it's not his fault alone. Yup he got the wrong girl. He wishes his efforts will be reciprocated.
dokoOriginally posted by AndrewPKYap:nice guys finish last?
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As repeated many times before, i beg to differ. Nice guys don't finish last. In fact, they can win those bad boys. It's about your confidence.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:nice guys finish last?
doko -
I beg to differOriginally posted by dokono:As repeated many times before, i beg to differ. Nice guys don't finish last. In fact, they can win those bad boys. It's about your confidence.
doko
It is the smart guys and yes, being nice is being smart as well.... (if you are not a "nice guy", then you are probably a stupid guy; some people are only "nice" to certain people; truly smart people are "nice" to all people) but there is more to it... because not all nice guys are smart... there are really really stupid "nice guys" the gets on your nerves constantly... so there! 
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Being nice should be part of your character not because you want to please people. For tips on how to be nice, visit the Buddhism forum.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:I beg to differ It is the smart guys and yes, being nice is being smart as well.... (if you are not a "nice guy", then you are probably a stupid guy; some people are only "nice" to certain people; truly smart people are "nice" to all people) but there is more to it... because not all nice guys are smart... there are really really stupid "nice guys" the gets on your nerves constantly... so there!
doko -
eh... below they belt leh...Originally posted by dokono:Being nice should be part of your character not because you want to please people. For tips on how to be nice, visit the Buddhism forum.
doko
But if your character is "nice" and "stupid" instead of "nice" and "intelligent"... how? HOW? HUH? HUH? -
It all boils down to confidence. If you think you can get the girl, you can, nothing to do with being stupid or intelligent. Some intelligent guys even screwed up with girls.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:eh... below they belt leh...
But if your character is "nice" and "stupid" instead of "nice" and "intelligent"... how? HOW? HUH? HUH?
doko -
sa3 ren2 you2 sa3 fu3 maOriginally posted by AndrewPKYap:eh... below they belt leh...
But if your character is "nice" and "stupid" instead of "nice" and "intelligent"... how? HOW? HUH? HUH? 
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sha3Originally posted by smudgey:sa3 ren2 you2 sa3 fu3 ma
doko -
RUBBISH RUBBISH RUBBISH I cannot accept...Originally posted by smudgey:sa3 ren2 you2 sa3 fu3 ma
But sometimes true lor, you watch the show Forest Gump? "My mother say life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get"
But you cannot depend on "sa3 ren2 you2 sa3 fu3 " because, in life, how many Forest Gumps are there?
Whereas as far as I can see, smart people get the girl, get the job, get the prize mah... whether they get happiness after getting all these is not so certain... unless they are also really really smart until they KNOW how to get happiness as well... not just get the girl, get the job and get the prize... -
a smart person can lack the guts to chase the girl? he maybe a genius but he may fumble in front of a hot chick? On the other hand, some guys may lack intelligence but totally knows how to talk to a girl and make her feel comfortable?Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:RUBBISH RUBBISH RUBBISH I cannot accept...
But sometimes true lor, you watch the show Forest Gump? "My mother say life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get"
But you cannot depend on "sa3 ren2 you2 sa3 fu3 " because, in life, how many Forest Gumps are there?
Whereas as far as I can see, smart people get the girl, get the job, get the prize mah... whether they get happiness after getting all these is not so certain... unless they are also really really smart until they KNOW how to get happiness as well... not just get the girl, get the job and get the prize...
doko -
errr... You talking about me? You talking about me? (Which movie and who said: "You talking to me?Originally posted by dokono:a smart person can lack the guts to chase the girl? he maybe a genius but he may fumble in front of a hot chick?
doko You talking to me? "
so define "intelligence" is EQ part of IQ or IQ is IQ and EQ is EQ?
if someone "fumbles in front of a hot chick" is he still considered "intelligent"? or an expert in something only? -
define "intelligence"... if all he can do is "talk to a girl and make her feel comfortable" does that make him "intelligent"?Originally posted by dokono:On the other hand, some guys may lack intelligence but totally knows how to talk to a girl and make her feel comfortable?
doko -
Not talking about you of course.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:errr... You talking about me? You talking about me? (Which movie and who said: "You talking to me? You talking to me? "
so define "intelligence" is EQ part of IQ or IQ is IQ and EQ is EQ?
if someone "fumbles in front of a hot chick" is he still considered "intelligent"? or an expert in something only?
Anyone can fumble when they are talking to a babe.
doko -
It's hard to explain. It's like he just does it. No matter what he says he comes across being confident.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:define "intelligence"... if all he can do is "talk to a girl and make her feel comfortable" does that make him "intelligent"?
doko -
That is called "charisma" ... it is a talent, like singing... some people can sing really well and some people can practice like mad and still make a fool of themselves in American Idols...Originally posted by dokono:It's hard to explain. It's like he just does it. No matter what he says he comes across being confident.
doko
So I won't call it "intelligence" or "stupidity"... talents like "charisma" "flair" and so on are something else altogether.... but but but...
Lucky if you do not have the talent you can learn and practice so that you become "good enough" and intelligent people are "good enough" in almost everything and "expert" "professional" in one thing errr, maybe two......
BE:
Jack of all trades and MASTER of one.
Jack of all trades and master of none? BAD!
Try to be Master of all trades? BAD because impossible...
Jack and Master of no trade? BAD!
so it is
Jack of all trades (or Jack of useful trades) and Master of ONE! -
Guardx,
Most of what the forumers posted here are correct and useful analysis, but may not register well with you...
Before I propose a solution to you, let's simplify your situation:
You are an self-proclaimed average guy (in looks and earning power) who wants to be in a relationship with a "good" girl, and doesn't mind "putting in a lot of effort" (to you, that means giving in a lot and buying what she wants and satisfying her material and physical needs..)
You are afraid to lose your current gf. After all, you have put in so much effort already (in terms of time and money). Besides, getting another good girl is hard these days, and if your current relationship falls through after so much effort, a future relationship (even if it is one where you put in double the effort) may jolly well be uncertain... and you attribute the "unfortunate" scenario to the typical moans of an average guy, .... because average guys have to work harder and also fall harder in a relationship..
==========================
Based on the 2 above summarizing points, we can infer the following points. Well maybe you would disagree, but I think the forumers here would agree with me.
You are insecure, because you are afraid to be seen as a failure in any relationship AND it doesn't have to be about your current relationship (one strong clue comes from your own suggestion "how to find another gf fast" )
You don't truly unconditionally love your gf, like many sensitive forumers like rainee are quick to point out, because we can see that you are fundamentally too insecure to give unconditional love. Insecure people find it hard to love another because they frequently require and demand "ROI" (return on investment) in ways that may NOT seem demanding and unreasonable to them ("after all, I did so much for you, i'm just asking you not to go out with your friends, is that so unreasonable), BUT is downright unreasonable to their partner ("i love dancing and chilling out, why is he so controlling, i hate it" )...
There may be other factors which we know nothing about, but to summarize....
Your gf doesn't feel secure with you, because you can't even feel secure with yourself. You meet her material and physical needs, not because you love her but because you are afraid. Hence you do not meet her emotional needs...
Have you really tried to understand her, like one forumer has put it earlier..
You didn't say this in your post, but we can guess. It is a possibility that you have been trying to control her actions and justifying it, which she resents a lot.
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Your solution IS
Focus on your own character deficiencies and try to improve them. Read tons of self-help books written by Covey, Carnegie, Robbins etc...
You need to do it because your character weakness will manifest itself in future relationships, and you may continue blaming your failures on "being just an average guy".
The bad news is changing is difficult, the wonderful news is it is not impossible.
Only when you have confronted and destroyed your own demons, can you smile at the world, and love your gf the way she desires and wants you to...
I hope it's not too late.
Good luck, pal... -
u get taken advantaged off lor...simpleOriginally posted by AndrewPKYap:eh... below they belt leh...
But if your character is "nice" and "stupid" instead of "nice" and "intelligent"... how? HOW? HUH? HUH? -
Compare your reply to his reply and tell me why you two have such different replies?Originally posted by de_middle:u get taken advantaged off lor...simple Originally posted by dokono:It all boils down to confidence. If you think you can get the girl, you can, nothing to do with being stupid or intelligent. Some intelligent guys even screwed up with girls.
doko -
Good post. Other than that I have to disagree on the issue of unconditional love. A lot of time, many girls like to talk about unconditional love. Im not going to disagree on that but it's not going to be a happy relationship when the girl/guy is the one who just sits there and let the other party is the one putting in all the effort. This is not good in the long-run. Sooner or later someone will complain again of putting in too much into the relationship(usually it's the guys).Originally posted by ordinaryguy32:Guardx,
Most of what the forumers posted here are correct and useful analysis, but may not register well with you...
Before I propose a solution to you, let's simplify your situation:
You are an self-proclaimed average guy (in looks and earning power) who wants to be in a relationship with a "good" girl, and doesn't mind "putting in a lot of effort" (to you, that means giving in a lot and buying what she wants and satisfying her material and physical needs..)
You are afraid to lose your current gf. After all, you have put in so much effort already (in terms of time and money). Besides, getting another good girl is hard these days, and if your current relationship falls through after so much effort, a future relationship (even if it is one where you put in double the effort) may jolly well be uncertain... and you attribute the "unfortunate" scenario to the typical moans of an average guy, .... because average guys have to work harder and also fall harder in a relationship..
==========================
Based on the 2 above summarizing points, we can infer the following points. Well maybe you would disagree, but I think the forumers here would agree with me.
You are insecure, because you are afraid to be seen as a failure in any relationship AND it doesn't have to be about your current relationship (one strong clue comes from your own suggestion "how to find another gf fast" )
You don't truly unconditionally love your gf, like many sensitive forumers like rainee are quick to point out, because we can see that you are fundamentally too insecure to give unconditional love. Insecure people find it hard to love another because they frequently require and demand "ROI" (return on investment) in ways that may NOT seem demanding and unreasonable to them ("after all, I did so much for you, i'm just asking you not to go out with your friends, is that so unreasonable), BUT is downright unreasonable to their partner ("i love dancing and chilling out, why is he so controlling, i hate it" )...
There may be other factors which we know nothing about, but to summarize....
Your gf doesn't feel secure with you, because you can't even feel secure with yourself. You meet her material and physical needs, not because you love her but because you are afraid. Hence you do not meet her emotional needs...
Have you really tried to understand her, like one forumer has put it earlier..
You didn't say this in your post, but we can guess. It is a possibility that you have been trying to control her actions and justifying it, which she resents a lot.
==============
Your solution IS
Focus on your own character deficiencies and try to improve them. Read tons of self-help books written by Covey, Carnegie, Robbins etc...
You need to do it because your character weakness will manifest itself in future relationships, and you may continue blaming your failures on "being just an average guy".
The bad news is changing is difficult, the wonderful news is it is not impossible.
Only when you have confronted and destroyed your own demons, can you smile at the world, and love your gf the way she desires and wants you to...
I hope it's not too late.
Good luck, pal...
In other words, if you find yourself giving in too much while the girl controls the direction and not putting in some effort as well, you are going to suffer in the long run.
doko -
you're saying like you are giving in to her partly because you cant find another one with your looks.
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I agree with you... finding the right girl to love can be very difficult... if one gets the wrong girl, there is a lot of heartbreak.Originally posted by dokono:Good post. Other than that I have to disagree on the issue of unconditional love. A lot of time, many girls like to talk about unconditional love. Im not going to disagree on that but it's not going to be a happy relationship when the girl/guy is the one who just sits there and let the other party is the one putting in all the effort. This is not good in the long-run. Sooner or later someone will complain again of putting in too much into the relationship(usually it's the guys).
In other words, if you find yourself giving in too much while the girl controls the direction and not putting in some effort as well, you are going to suffer in the long run.
doko
But once you find the right girl who loves you, you should dish out unconditional love..
The trick is to find the right girl, but that is pretty much trial-and-error also...
Many years ago, I read this in a book "It is easier to love a girl who loves you more, than to love a girl who doesn't love you as much". My (controversial) advice to you guys out there is to find a girl who loves you, and then love her back with all your heart. If you are madly in love with another girl who doesn't love you that much, it's much harder to sustain... -
that's why its impt for the guy to find a decent girl who offers true love, only then the foundation is strong & the R/S will last.Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
but i can tell you its difficult but we must try right
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Indeed, we guys must try...Originally posted by de_middle:
that's why its impt for the guy to find a decent girl who offers true love, only then the foundation is strong & the R/S will last.but i can tell you its difficult but we must try right
and yes, i agree that a strong foundation is very important indeed.
But while we guys complain about the lack of decent good girls, and while we sometimes like to say, not without true examples, on "how materialistic singaporean girls are", there is an equally valid and strong argument from the young female population on "how screwed-up the guys can be", and lamenting the near extinction of gentlemanly sensitive and caring guys who take responsibility to guide the relationship...
I don't disagree with both arguments, in fact, i agree with them too (not trying to sound like a wimp), but as a responsible guy, once you open your eyes to all sides, your understanding of a relationship will increase profoundly beyond your peers, and suddenly whatever a girl wants is apparent to you.
With that understanding, you can distinguish yourself in the BGR market if you are single, and if you have a present relationship, it will do the relationship a great deal of good.
Hope I am not too chim here...
It is not unlike Taiji Zhang Sanfeng, who has mastered both Yin and Yang neigong...