Depressed bf
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Many people can't stand the life of NS...
Boy side, too tired to go out with gf. Distance with gf get greater...
Girl side, get to tired waiting for him to book out. Plus he don't want to go anywhere...
Alot people eventually break during this period cus they don't know how to handle the situation...
NS is tough...
You need to understanding... Don't give him stress by calling him out to accompany you go somewhere cus he might be tired...
He might want to stay at home all the while... he is too tired...
Your number of days meeting each other have already been limited to very little.
Make used of everyday you are able to be together...
You must endure. You may want to go his house after he book out... he might be to tired to go anywhere...
Assure yourself, assure him, that although the days you both see each other has became lesser, communication also became lesser, but the feeling for each didn't.
He needs you to understand him now. He just fatigue even to think.
Endure trough this tough situation and dun give up like many others do.
Good luck
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Maybe he was raped at camp
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lol... no need to be stress lah... very easy to solve 1... Just depends if u dare, or not??? Currently, u feel stress because u do not noe wat is yr bf thinking... And when u try to find out, he dont SMS or talk...
Well... u can always make yr trip to yr bf's house early morning in the weekend... Just prepare a bottle of u made crysthemental tea... His parents sure let u in 1... Then u just wait lor... If yr bf asked y u r here, u just throw everything tat u written in AA to him... Yr bf will listen 1... Coz, he will get paiseh and it is his fault... He will give u an answer to all his problems... When, he is giving u the answer, dont get emotional... Let him finish everything... After which, u think yrself lah...
The above is just an example lah... If u and yr bf are in a relationship and he is avoiding u, do something tat is sincere, surprising, touching but also let him feel paiseh... It will unlocked the barrier between u and him... -
to be honest, i don't understand the problem with you teenage, nowadays, things are so simple, and you all have to complicate matters further, your boyfriend is trying to cope with NS life, now his NS buddy are like his best friend, they spend their time together for at least 24/7, now you feel more distant, it is normal, give him some weeks to sort out, don't even call him, find your own activities to do, then let him feel lonely, and then when he feel more lonely, he will call you and want to find you out, and treasure you more
be more independent, there is much more thing better in life, than a relationship, you don't have to revolve your life within him, and seriously, you can't cope with loneliness, which probably you are feeling right now, how about, start to pick up a hobby, refocus your life on something else, it will make you feel more better
and seriously, nothing too agony about your thread, expect that both are still immature to handle loneliness. -
sounds like my gf
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u in NS?Originally posted by Hellraiza:sounds like my gf
aiyz i scared this happen to me oso leh...i gg NS nxt yr...as to TS, try to understand his situation loh, inside there reali physically tiring de....i agree with the other forumites, if u can, try to spend more time with him at his house bah...it'll probably b better for him loh coz he might b dam tired liao...
otherwise u can go with him to near his house areas mayb?juz a long walk arnd the area shld b ok la...at that time u all can talk abt stuff loh so u wun feel so distance from him...try to tell him how u feel abt it oso loh...
btw, mind me asking which unit is he in mah?coz different units u get different rigour of training mah... -
Me has that sentiment too..Originally posted by DC+:Maybe he was raped at camp 
Usually for attached NS guy. THey will miss their ger during inside the camp and hope to make a fewcall just to hear their voice to help them ease their loneliness inside. To shed from their ger is quite unusual.
Another question. Before he goes in,isyr r/s good? Meet often and go laugh and chit chat all the time? Or u got very good guy friend whom he may mistaken as yr new flame and he decide after going into BMT. He will leave a distance from u? -
he's hiding inside his cave now..
wat u can do is to wait for him outside..
usually when man is troubled, he wun tell his woman de..
i understand how u feel.. coz i've been thru that before..
but accept the fact that men and women think differently lor.. -
If he doesn't tell you what's going on, then you can either wait or ask.
Wait for a week or two, and if he still doesn't volunteer information, then ask, ask him what's going on, is he really that tired, what's going on in his life?
If he still has you in his mind, i'm sure he won't mind taking that few minutes to tell you what's wrong, or just to update you.
BMT may be tiring, but its no excuse to neglect your girlfriend or anyone close for that matter. -
Haiya.. I in army too.. just moved on with life... Think to much make you want to go AWOL more...
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maybe he jz went in so he low morale but if he say he tired then u go his place look him up to give him some TLC... so can provide his details? how many mth he in liao? wat reason he gave?Originally posted by lemonlight:Ever since my bf went into army, he found it hard to cope. Now, he's some depressed person and suddenly so distant to me. It has become a weekend hide and seek game, I would try to call to see if he wants to meet up. For the past few weeks, he has been hiding at home except meeting his guy friends for supper. He don't sms, he don't talk. I don't know how to handle this whole situation. He seems to have a lot of deal with himself. As much as I want to meet him, I don't want to be a nuisance. At the rate things are going, i don't know how long I can last like this. All i have been doing is wait and tell him that he has my support. But everything is going one way now. I feel so stressed but I don't want to tell him that because I don't want to add more problem to his life.
help. -
The bf not wanting to spend time with gf could well be that he has somehow lost confidence in himself. he might be thinking that he is not worthy of his gf.
It also could be sign of mild depression. people tend to become more withdrawn, and lose interest in the things they used to enjoy.
Many guys don't like to appear weak in front of their girlfriend. call it ego but it's a trait of many guys. At the same time, he might be dreading army life so much that he can't stop thinking how bad it seems. What's more, he can't share this with his gf cos he's afraid the gf might think he's weak.
So, 2 possible reasons for him not wanting to go out 1) too worried about booking in again that it saps his energy and he's unable to enjoy his weekends, 2) he's avoiding you cos he's unable to be his true self and doesn't want to appear weak to his gf.
It'll take time and positive experience for him to recover his confidence and to get used to army life. So the gf should give him support by lending a listening ear when he eventually gets to talking. Just listening will be good. Don't need to offer solutions to problems or give suggestions for this and that. Suspend your judgement, and just listen when he wants to talk. Reassure him that he is still the person he was and that that all he needs to be, and all that you expect from him.
Understand that he is going through a difficult time and that avoiding you is not deliberate. You have to be very patient with him for now. He'll bounce back if he receives love and support from the people around him. It'll take time but with your help and the support from friends, he'll recover in time.
Maybe also can check out this link:
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html
Find out what 'love language(s)' he responds to so you can focus your energy on them. I would highly recommend reading the book as well. It's useful in all human relationships, not just with our partner.
my 2 cents. -
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Hmm, you didn't mention the psychologist/counsellor earlier. I know how the system works, if its not very serious, they'll just refer and wait a couple of weeks before they see him.Originally posted by lemonlight:Actually things were good in his BMT days. He was still cheerful and all. They started to collapse when he entered his new unit. The last I saw him, was last week. He told me about his lousy camp condition and how much he don't like the way he is being treated there. It was just heart breaking to not see him laugh when we meet up coz he always joke. He was just in a bad mood the last time I met him.
I know he is going to get professional help (see psychologiost etc) soon. coz he went to see the doc, and they refer him. But, the appointment was fixed like 2-3 weeks after he raised the problem to the doc. I think he wants to really get out of the place he is at now.
Ever since he started to keep a distance, it makes me feel quite bad coz its as if i'm a irritating girl trying to contact him every weekend. I had already told him that i'll be there for him etc. But it doesn't feel good being pushed away week after week. I don't even know what he is thinking, and I am starting to feel drained being the one who will try to call and tellling him that he has my support. I know I need to be strong in times like this, but I'm not as strong as I want myself to be. It doesn't help when friends point out that he is not acting normally because they think that when guys book out, they'll want to spend time with their gf and everyone else and not avoid them.
I have hobbies and interest and for the past few weeks, I've been concentrating on them. But when weekend comes, i'm back to square one.
That's the way they work actually.
You have expressed your need to be supportive, and he's not reciprocating because he's either too tired, or too morale-less to do so.
2 options here, carry on telling him you're still behind him, or just back off for a bit until he talks to the psychologist/counsellor.
Its up to you, take into mind how he was previously and which option he would prefer, but know that the rules are just a bit changed now.
Who cares what your colleagues say anyway? This is your relationship, and its unique! Actually, not everyone would want to spend time with their gf in the weekends. Some of them are just so tired and disgrunted with their life that they eventually lose the spark, that's why/how some NS relationships just don't work out.
Good to see you're concentrating on your hobbies, but hmm, maybe this could be a time you call up your old friends, and just chat? Meet each other up, talk, do things you always wanted to do but haven't had the chance to.
After so much you've done, i believe the ball is in his court now. When he gets the energy to pass it back to yours is another matter, but just give him time ya?
Best of luck,
Aaron -
he has make many new friends in camp and at this time he need them more than you. they are with him all the times and need their assistance of every kinds when he is in camp ... whether doing chores or etc.(sao ye pin) life in the army is paradise island ... i think he has not yet adjusted to the lovely, enjoying new enviroment yet ... he want to get aquainted with his new found buddies whoOriginally posted by lemonlight:Ever since my bf went into army, he found it hard to cope. Now, he's some depressed person and suddenly so distant to me. It has become a weekend hide and seek game, I would try to call to see if he wants to meet up. For the past few weeks, he has been hiding at home except meeting his guy friends for supper. He don't sms, he don't talk. I don't know how to handle this whole situation. He seems to have a lot of deal with himself. As much as I want to meet him, I don't want to be a nuisance. At the rate things are going, i don't know how long I can last like this. All i have been doing is wait and tell him that he has my support. But everything is going one way now. I feel so stressed but I don't want to tell him that because I don't want to add more problem to his life.
help.
g/fs should be very much interesting, nice and pretty than you. in another few days/weeks/months, he will ditch you definitely ... giving you all sort of reasons he and his buddies can think of ... new buddies and g/fs are better than old one ... dun be sad, life is like tat ... find new one for urself -
Why your every post make you look like the perfect gf one...Originally posted by browniebaobao:he's hiding inside his cave now..
wat u can do is to wait for him outside..
usually when man is troubled, he wun tell his woman de..
i understand how u feel.. coz i've been thru that before..
but accept the fact that men and women think differently lor..
Anyway... I agree that NS depends on the particular unit... Your bf is tired of NS already... Maybe he wasn't well accepted by his buddies in the army, which result in his demoralized state.
There's nothing you can really do... except maybe to go to his house to spend some relaxing time with him in the initial few months of army...
After this initial few months, things should start getting back to normal... -
then u go out wif his frens or his sergeants, officers or wat lah.....lolOriginally posted by lemonlight:Ever since my bf went into army, he found it hard to cope. Now, he's some depressed person and suddenly so distant to me. It has become a weekend hide and seek game, I would try to call to see if he wants to meet up. For the past few weeks, he has been hiding at home except meeting his guy friends for supper. He don't sms, he don't talk. I don't know how to handle this whole situation. He seems to have a lot of deal with himself. As much as I want to meet him, I don't want to be a nuisance. At the rate things are going, i don't know how long I can last like this. All i have been doing is wait and tell him that he has my support. But everything is going one way now. I feel so stressed but I don't want to tell him that because I don't want to add more problem to his life.
help. -
In My Opinion,
NS is a fucking depressant. More potent than alcohol or any other drug.
An no, i wasnt raped inside or anything. I had the best platoon mates and everything just that the depressing nature of the whole thing overwrited the postitve aspects.
Especially BMT, bookout high only lasts that coupla hours. On sundays, when its back to camp, i become fucking depressed again.
A lot of people feel the same way as me, especially the book in atmosphere. its fucking depressing.
Pardon the use of strong language but i feel its the best way to bring out the seriousness of the condition/feeling.
Nope, i'm not trying to organise an anti-NS organisation here or something or i'll prolly get raped by the ISD.
Just that, i'm trying to help u understand this "depression". Its not a matter of being there for him or what, because the root of the problem is the loneliness out there on weekdays and the sudden lost of freedom.
Try to talk to him as much as possible, especially during bookout high, while it lasts and remember to call DAILY when he's in camp.
thats just a suggestion cause i didnt get through that depression, i just suck thumb until it was over before i was back to normal. -
give ur guy some time
ajustment to units usually take a while -
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wow...its been hard on u eh?im not sure if this will work, but i feel u shld tell him how u feel as well...not its like u keep taking in all the loneliness n stuff...even if he is stressed, i believe u do haf ur own problems as well...one can only take so much, understand that NS is always a hard period for a relationship to endure thru, hold on to him, but at the same time, tell him that ur energy is not limitless...there is a limit to everyone's ability...Originally posted by lemonlight:Thank you all for responding. Some of the suggestions you had given, I don't think it will work.
I can't call him everyday, I am not even sms-ing everyday. Why? coz he told me last week, that he hardly even have his own time, and only spend like 1-2 min to call his mother. I know his mum is probably worried dead.
I had asked him before if he want me to go to his house, but he don't seem to like the idea, and I don't want to be intimidating by knocking at his house and give him a surprise. Maybe he just want to be alone?
He told me the morale inside is very low. He don't even want to care about his own safety coz if he gets injured, can get out of training. The hygeine is also bad (and for a girl like me, it really sounds like hell).
It is very hard to even talk to him on the weekend. I only managed to hear him talk about camp condition last week, after like being pushed away for about 2 to 3 weeks. I felt very lousy when my friend said "he'll go out with anyone but you for the moment". Why do other people see it this way? Is it coz I'm only a hindrance to his life?
Some others even say stuff like "how long are you going to wait for him? till he finish NS?". They are not helping and only making me stressed and confused. There are even others who say "if you're not happy in a relationship, get out of it. You're shortchanged, and life is unfair for you". But, I don't want to bail out because I made my promises to him and I don't think I can forgive myself if I leave him just because he is having a difficult time. At the way things are going, I feel like I'm the only one trying to make things work, and I'm getting drained slowly like this coz its such a helpless situation for my side.
Everything happen so sudden, I'm finding it hard to cope. His BMT was fine. When he went to his unit, he just "disappear" from my life. =(
since he is visitin a psychologist soon, lets juz hope he wuld b better later on... -
Man can sometimes be very selfish in sharing emotions... They sometimes failed to understand tat without sharing his problems to his love ones actually hurt his love ones...
U should try to open up his heart not because he want to... U should try to open up his heart because u want to... Coz, end of the day, u want to understand and share his problem and thus he can return back to normal...
Sometimes, guy cover his heart with a barrier tat reject their love one's love... Sometimes, u just need to forcefully inject yr feelings to his heart thru the barrier... It will melt his heart 1... He maybe appear an iron man from the outside but actually, he is hurting from the inside...
Kind of sad being a man ,rite??? Not like gals, emotions flow like tap water flowing... >< When, the water run dry, they r ok liao... -
Do you and him have any mutual friends who are also serving in the same place?
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Simple enough, why not go about with your own lives and wait for him to contact you first instead?Originally posted by lemonlight:Ever since my bf went into army, he found it hard to cope. Now, he's some depressed person and suddenly so distant to me. It has become a weekend hide and seek game, I would try to call to see if he wants to meet up. For the past few weeks, he has been hiding at home except meeting his guy friends for supper. He don't sms, he don't talk. I don't know how to handle this whole situation. He seems to have a lot of deal with himself. As much as I want to meet him, I don't want to be a nuisance. At the rate things are going, i don't know how long I can last like this. All i have been doing is wait and tell him that he has my support. But everything is going one way now. I feel so stressed but I don't want to tell him that because I don't want to add more problem to his life.
help.
I know as much as you wanted to meet up with him, there's very little to what you can do to help his depression/situation. He probably needs some time alone by himself and without your presence to focus on his own problems.
Another reason in doing so is to observe if he is willing to watch and allow this relationship to die away slowly and quietly. If he does, there's bound to be a reason behind it other than a mere depression caused by National Service.
By right you should be in his thoughts. but as you have mentioned...it isn't happening.
Is there anything more that you should be revealing to us about? If not, I don't think anyone can possible fill up the missing gap in your story and help you better.
Good Luck.