My wife always threaten divorce wen we quarrel.How 2 handle?
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How are the arguments resolved after the fights ?
Do you only give in after she use the word "divorce" ?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Any married guy can help? My wife always threaten divorce whenever we quarrel. Both of us are bad-tempered, and a small tiff can escalate into a big fight. But I love her and separation is never on my mind. It is not the same case with her. She admitted that she didn't mean it as she only said it in the moment of anger to purposely irritate me! But now, the idea of divorce is slowly getting into my head.
In terms of temper, both of us have different momentum. She can explode, even into streaks of violence, but is quick to forgive and forget. I am calm, argue rationally, but difficult to forget fights. Perhaps it's me, but I've noticed that I have not gone on a full week without her finding fault and starting an argument with me.
Latest saga now is: -
I complain mildly that she controls over me too strictly, and asks too many questions.
She denies it.
I quote a few examples and she flares up.
She said if I have reported everything, then she wouldn't need to ask.
I told her if she were more supportive, then I would have shared everything with her.
She threaten divorce after exploding...again.
Feeling I may be too frank, I apologise.
She never calm down.
Now we are still not talking. I can see she's angry 'cause she slam the door and threw stuff violently around.
How? Help?
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Its 3.28am now. If you are still in one part and not eleven, you might be dreaming that both of you are drifting apart.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Anyway, because of our fight, din take dinner. Going to sleep on a growling stomach. Hope she don't whack me while I'm asleep...
Do you know the 'paramount' reason why couples divorce? -
Finally the real reason for the flare up.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:She had bad experience with her ex-bf before she knew me, so got a little insecurity. I already cut all my ties with ALL my female friends, but she still feeling edgy. In my heart, I also put barriers, so I will never get too close to other girls.
But I got worried everytime my HP got sms. It could be from a long time ago gal friend forwarding sms, but that will be enough to set her off. Though I never do anything, I will probably still kanna one. SIGH.
Seems like her ex-bf must have hurt her real bad.
In her heart she is worried that you might do the same to her again, thats the main reason why she is so strict about you.
She wants to hold on tightly cause deep inside she loves you too but do not know how to express it.
1) I suggest that you change your hp as this might help a bit.
2) From your words you still love and I feel that you are only growing tired of this quarrels. What is she working as ? I need to know so that I can check if the stress is work related.
3) Are you staying by yourself or with in-laws? Stress could come from in-laws too.
4) I can understand the power of divorce and break-up words. If one party heards too many of these words it may force the party to give up for the sake of peace and quiet. Your mind will start wondering more and more. -
To: Frustrated_guy
When your wife loses her temper, you keep cool and refuse to say anything.
Only when she is calm and collected, then you restart the discussion. It is easier for us men to do that. Be the NAN REN and don't CHI CHI JIAO JIAO with your wife. -
Arguing every single week is really bad.
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To: Frustrated_guy
Now that the wife is angry and refuse to talk... it is up to the MAN to make efforts to repair the relationship. It is up to you the MAN to make the effort to try to talk to her. You do not expect her to make the first move... you are the MAN, you make the first move and you try again and again until she relents and start talking to you again. -
Hello Buddy,your case reminded me of my first marriage to a woman I still love but as you can see it didnt work out ,how could it? You have to sit down and talk to your wife ,communicate with her often and see what is really bothering her.Is it because she is afraid of losing you for some reasons like not being able to bear a child or she feels that you no longer finds her attrative,too much work at the office....I dont know,you have to find that out soon.Divorce is a taboo word for all married couple so do not use this word just to get back at each other or someday both of you are really going to end up hurt.Everybody has temper and so you both need moments to cool down.When she is about to blow over the top all she has to do is say the word 'TIME OUT'' and like wise with you.In time outs dont say anything ,not even nice things just keep your mouth shut until she is back to herself again.I think your marriage would get back on track if you both start to throw all the bad ingredients that is spoiling it and keep only what is good and those which made you two want to spend the rest of your life with.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Anyway, not to badmouth my wife, she does have her good points. She is not materialistic, willing to look past my shortcomings and love me, and she is cute.
I also love her, but spousal fights are just so ugly.
Anyway, because of our fight, din take dinner. Going to sleep on a growling stomach. Hope she don't whack me while I'm asleep... -
WAYANG?? Did she or did she not submit the divorce papers?Originally posted by rathcycle:breakdown in front of her.
make her feel guilty instead. -
Having sex once a month is even worse!!Originally posted by Xephone_xenon:Arguing every single week is really bad. 
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Originally posted by zeny:Finally the real reason for the flare up.
Seems like her ex-bf must have hurt her real bad.
In her heart she is worried that you might do the same to her again, thats the main reason why she is so strict about you.
She wants to hold on tightly cause deep inside she loves you too but do not know how to express it.
1) I suggest that you change your hp as this might help a bit.
2) From your words you still love and I feel that you are only growing tired of this quarrels. What is she working as ? I need to know so that I can check if the stress is work related.
3) Are you staying by yourself or with in-laws? Stress could come from in-laws too.
4) I can understand the power of divorce and break-up words. If one party heards too many of these words it may force the party to give up for the sake of peace and quiet. Your mind will start wondering more and more.
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Ur wife seems to have a jealousy problem. Actually all women have that. Just the degrees vary.
If u love ur wife, u need to do something to assure her rather than quarrelling with her. Flowers? Card? Telling her that she is the only one?
I think guys forgot abt the niceties once they get married. I too.
And becareful ur hp.....always delete the messages which u think would make her flare up, even though the messages are not the bad ones. -
Dear Frustrated_guy, please take time and read below what I got to say to you regarding the saving of your relationship now... Hopefully I can bring you to that clear realisation of how to save this relationship before it is too late!
In my opinion, sex does not solve the problem... You have to no matter what, rid the problem at its root, and not for a moment look for something to ease the pain caused by the problem. Dear Fatum, you are really making sex like some pain-killer drug when it is not even one... It does not work like what you see in the movies... Sex is not meant for enjoyment purposes!Originally posted by Fatum:try post quarrel sex ...
no, I'm serious ! .... turn the furry into passion ... grab her and hurry her to bed ...
I totally disagree with what you have just said.
Even after doing it, the root of the problem is still not being addressed - then what is the point of having it in the first place? You will end up quarreling with her again soon enough! I would rather you sort things out with her and try not to anger one another anymore.
To Omniknight, are you sure you will not marry in your entire lifetime? Woah... you do not know what you will be missing out in having a family! Believe me... family life is very rewarding... you will be missing out the benefits of having a family... How do you know you will fall into such problems when you don't even want to try to start a family and try to take your hand and solve them?Originally posted by Omniknight:I am NEVER going to marry.
As long as both of you (husband and wife) are able to cohabit together and help one another solve the problems encountered, share the burden each of them may face during lfe as a family and no matter what, love each other despite what has become of your partner... then can a relationship start to grow stronger...
These underlying issues are dangerous and is already causing your relationship with your wife to enter dangerous boundaries. Make right whatever is wrong in you before you make right whatever that is in your wife! Reconcilation can only come when one corrects his mistakes before he starts correcting the mistakes of his partner.Originally posted by laoda99:If u still want to save ur marriage, dun ever think of divorce, coz u will really do it.
If u have kids, it will be worse. The kids will end up bringing problems to you, school and society.
Since u know ur weak points, i think the only way is to avoid arguments.
I tend to think that there are underlying issues between u and ur wife. U have to think of what these issues are and sort them out.
You will really need to try your best not to complain and spark another heated argument with her again... The reason why she is controling you so strictly is because she feels very insecure in this relationship, you will need to start assuring her your love and show a greater degree of care and concern to her... Show her you still love her... Do not quote examples and provoke her! You are just causing her to explode and get mad with you again!Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Latest saga now is: -
I complain mildly that she controls over me too strictly, and asks too many questions.
She denies it.
I quote a few examples and she flares up.
She said if I have reported everything, then she wouldn't need to ask.
I told her if she were more supportive, then I would have shared everything with her.
She threaten divorce after exploding...again.
Feeling I may be too frank, I apologise.
She never calm down.
Forgive her for what she has done and forget whatever things that she has done against you, because all these thoughts will continue to haunt you until you get a divorce with her! If you really want to save this relationship, please try your best to forgive and forget and start anew and afresh with your wife, and make it up to her once again! Please do not call her 'unsupportive' (she will certainly blow because you fail to consider her position in this matter! She is trying to tie ends together yet you are somewhat scolding her for doing so...), the reason why she seems 'unsupportive' to you now is because you in the first place did not make yourself 'transparent' to her! I don't want to scold you brother, but I want to show you the problems between both of you and wish that you will sincerely address the issues as soon as possible!
I sense that she is also feeling very terrible inside her, as she does not feel secure in this relationship and having to flare up to someone she loves... She is mentioning things like divorcing with you is more of a threat that she hopes will shock you into a clear realisation of the matter, but if you really agree to the divorce... I think you will really break her heart even more! I am not saying that she does not mean what she says... she just wants you to come clean and save this relationship, save it before she really starts preparing to leave this relationship with you...
My suggestion to you now, is to pay more attention to your wife, despite how 'unlovely' she might be now whenever she argues or gives you that look that your dislike... The problem now is the security in the relationship, you as her husband, must address this issue before such insecurity and tensions tear you both apart.
Before I end the post, I would like to share with you (Frustrated_guy)my views and tips on how you can secure and keep your relationship with your wife afloat... Please read through them and consider...
Key ingredients to a successful relationship:
- Faithfulness (Stay faithful to your beloved forever...)
- Care and Concern (Show your partner your care and concern for her... Let your partner know that she can always first come to you for help because she knows that you will always be there to help her out...)
- Tolerance (Tolerate your partner despite times of struggle... Show her you still love and care for her, and not quarrel over trivial issues with her that hurts the relationship... do not provoke her and jeopardize the relationship!)
- Honesty and Transparency (Do not lie or cover up anything from your partner from knowing... If you do so, your partner may feel a little shaky in her relationship with you... I am sure you too will feel shaky if your wife does something behind your back, not letting you know anything about it... Being transparent to your partner is important, it plays a part in assuring your love for her...)
- Assurance (Your partner needs that guarantee from you that you will not abandon her for another woman... Give her the assurance that you will be by her side forevermore... Note: Reading of FHM/Maxim/Playboy Magazines or seeing Pornography betrays this assurance! If you are engagaed in any of the two or both of the mentioned activities, please end it for the sake of your relationship and salvage all the good relations you have with your wife before it is too late!)
- Uprightness (Be upright in all that you do and stay true to your wife, do not cheat on her feelings by doing things that spoil the entire relationship...)
- Cooperation (Cooperate with one another and help solve any unsolved problems that may threaten your relationship with your wife.)
- Love and Patience (These two areas come together to form the most lasting form of love - which is 'Agape' love (a type of love that is unconditional, stands strong admist the passing of time, the love that secures a relationship... the purest form of love...) Love and Patience cannot be separated from one another if you really want a lasting relationship with your partner... Learn to love her more and show your affection and adoration for her...
Hopefully what I have said can help you save your relationship with your wife... I really hope that your wife and you will start to be at peace with one another and start to cohabit together happily and comfortably with one another... All the best to your relationship with your wife, Frustrated_guy! You can message me to my Mailbox for any additional help.
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Everyone, thanks for your reply.
We woke up and everything seemed better. I made the 1st move and apologise to her. She smiled a bit and the situation became less tense. Then she started to nag on how being my wife, she has the right to know EVERYTHING. I just kept quiet until the 'noise' dissipated. Then unexpectedly, her mood turned for the worse and she became aggitated again. I checked my HP for a sms, and she did not ask me this time! She always never fails to ask me who is it, what they want, what I going to do.
She started going into her frenzy mode again and threaten divorce once more. She knows I hate the word, maybe she did it to irritate me?! I really don't know what to do. I must be a very ignorant husband. I feel like my PC just exploded in front of me and I'm clueless to how it happen and how to repair it!!
Anyway, I left her house. She's with her parents and I'm back in my house. The word, divorce, is still ringing in my head and she is like the persistent salesman. I'm like the fish who is tempted to take the bait, but I don't want! There are like an angel and devil to my thoughts. One is tempting me to where there is extreme freedom, the other telling me we should work hard for this relationship. Arrgghh....
Sianz!!![/b] -
sometimes this may work.Originally posted by Pion:Next time she threaten divorce, brandish the papers from thin air and give to her.
Or you could go and say something like "Im sorry for causing XXX xxxx xxxxx you..XXX xxx you're right. xxx xxxxx xxxx Lets divorce instead".
tell her in her face dat she divorce and slam the legal paper on her face, she probably scared until siao.
do this only if u really very very angry den thinking of divorce her and she v unreasonable. afterall, if she keeps on being so unreasonable, who can tahan her? -
We are ard 30 yrs old. Been married over a year liao. No serious conflicts before marriage. Both of us love each other, and wanted to start a family together. Simple lifestyle, no grand luxury stuff. I capricorn, she a gemini/cancer hybrid. She had been hurt by a previous r/s b4.Originally posted by Yunhaier:I would like to understand some background:
How old are the both of you? How long have you been dating before marriage? How long have you been married? Were the conflicts this bad before marriage? In your opinion, what's the reason for getting married? What sort of lifestyle you two are leading? What are both your astrological signs? Any crisis took place in BGR previously?
Cheers -
I will have to disagree with you. Divorce is no laughing matter and should never be mentioned, no matter how bad the fights are. However angry I got, I would never initiate it, but it is not the same case with her.Originally posted by hiphop2009:sometimes this may work.
tell her in her face dat she divorce and slam the legal paper on her face, she probably scared until siao.
do this only if u really very very angry den thinking of divorce her and she v unreasonable. afterall, if she keeps on being so unreasonable, who can tahan her? -
Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:
May I know what is your religion. PM me pls.
Everyone, thanks for your reply.
We woke up and everything seemed better. I made the 1st move and apologise to her. She smiled a bit and the situation became less tense. Then she started to nag on how being my wife, she has the right to know EVERYTHING. I just kept quiet until the 'noise' dissipated. Then unexpectedly, her mood turned for the worse and she became aggitated again. I checked my HP for a sms, and she did not ask me this time! She always never fails to ask me who is it, what they want, what I going to do.
She started going into her frenzy mode again and threaten divorce once more. She knows I hate the word, maybe she did it to irritate me?! I really don't know what to do. I must be a very ignorant husband. I feel like my PC just exploded in front of me and I'm clueless to how it happen and how to repair it!!
Anyway, I left her house. She's with her parents and I'm back in my house. The word, divorce, is still ringing in my head and she is like the persistent salesman. I'm like the fish who is tempted to take the bait, but I don't want! There are like an angel and devil to my thoughts. One is tempting me to where there is extreme freedom, the other telling me we should work hard for this relationship. Arrgghh....
Sianz!!![/b] -
Yeah, I am not telepathic too. Why do girls expect us to read their minds? Worse case is I'm routine based, whereas she is random based. I try to anticipate her actions and avoid irritating her, but next day her action will be different again, and we would have another roll againOriginally posted by mancha:Frequent flareups over the slightest matter is a learned response.
Try to discern a pattern.
My wife and I always quarrel when we are about to go out.
Reason:
1. The humid weather, dressing up is sweaty and uncomfortable. We are easily agitated. Therefore the slightest thing invokes a harse response.
2. There are a few lose ends to tie up before leaving. Like leaving food for the cat, making phone calls, switching off the electric kettle etc., touching up makeup, what to bring, and what not, and she expect me to be automatic, instead of just waiting at the door, fuming. Trouble is I am not telepathic, and cannot read her mind. And therefore I get some rebuke.
3. This is a pattern of behaviour.
Acknowledge it, and bring it out into the open. And watch out for it. I will say, "See, when we are going out, we will always quarrel." Initially this will invoke a sharp rebuttal and another round. But eventually she will see the light and make an effort to curb her temper.
In other occasions, you need to be assertive.
Sometimes she just bully you, because you are bulliable.
You must be sure she is just taunting you before you tell her off in no uncertain terms. Sometimes you must tell her to "SHUTUP" or tell her clearly you don't like such behaviour or such talk.
And if you're in the wrong, even slightly wrong, then you just shut up and take the tongue lashing.
Sometimes a few days of silence, is good. But not too long. And be the one to break the ice.
If things are more serious, like there is personality disorder or mental illness, then please seek professional help. -
Usually she will apologise after she screamed divorce and I will apologise back and we patch back...Originally posted by jojobeach:How are the arguments resolved after the fights ?
Do you only give in after she use the word "divorce" ? -
Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:
Many a times when we are in quarrels, we forget how we love each other b4 we get attached.
Everyone, thanks for your reply.
We woke up and everything seemed better. I made the 1st move and apologise to her. She smiled a bit and the situation became less tense. Then she started to nag on how being my wife, she has the right to know EVERYTHING. I just kept quiet until the 'noise' dissipated. Then unexpectedly, her mood turned for the worse and she became aggitated again. I checked my HP for a sms, and she did not ask me this time! She always never fails to ask me who is it, what they want, what I going to do.
She started going into her frenzy mode again and threaten divorce once more. She knows I hate the word, maybe she did it to irritate me?! I really don't know what to do. I must be a very ignorant husband. I feel like my PC just exploded in front of me and I'm clueless to how it happen and how to repair it!!
Anyway, I left her house. She's with her parents and I'm back in my house. The word, divorce, is still ringing in my head and she is like the persistent salesman. I'm like the fish who is tempted to take the bait, but I don't want! There are like an angel and devil to my thoughts. One is tempting me to where there is extreme freedom, the other telling me we should work hard for this relationship. Arrgghh....
Sianz!!![/b]
Hope that the two of you can take time off sometimes, go to the places u all knew each other.
It is better concentrating on the loving stuff u all have done as a couple, then to think "I AM IRRITATED I AM IRRITATED BY HER", coz sooner or later u will divorce...... -
Hi, thanks derekcsy, I tin u hit the spot!Originally posted by derekcsy:Forgive her for what she has done and forget whatever things that she has done against you, because all these thoughts will continue to haunt you until you get a divorce with her! If you really want to save this relationship, please try your best to forgive and forget and start anew and afresh with your wife, and make it up to her once again! Please do not call her 'unsupportive' (she will certainly blow because you fail to consider her position in this matter! She is trying to tie ends together yet you are somewhat scolding her for doing so...), the reason why she seems 'unsupportive' to you now is because you in the first place did not make yourself 'transparent' to her! I don't want to scold you brother, but I want to show you the problems between both of you and wish that you will sincerely address the issues as soon as possible!
Yeah, I'm not inclined to tell her what I'm doing these days because she really is unsupportive.
1) I told her of my interests for the application for Amazing Race Asia, she exploded and refused to let me go. I listen to her, with much regret in my heart.
2) I wanted to set up a small PC for my parents, she exploded and left me! She does not want my parents to have the means to MSN and cause us to lose our privacy. Come on! Parents using MSN?! That weekend we were living separately again. Note the word again 'cause she has done it 1 time before.
3) I told her I bought shares, and she frowned saying it's gambling. But when she heard I had made a little money from it, she kept quiet.
Many more, but I usually won't bring it up during argument 'cause it's unhealthy for r/s. -
your wife wants to get pregnant fast so as to stop her parents from nagging or she wants to have a baby for her own interest to prevent the higher risk of late-pregnancy?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Thanks for the advice. We do not have kids, but is trying to have 1. Divorce was never on my mind, but her endless suggestion during our arguments seem to affect me subconsciously.
She has put up this utlimatum. If this cycle she still no baby, then we go our separate ways. I hear liao want to cry. Do all girls do that when they angry?
Divorce is something serious no doubt, and it will cast an very unhappy perception and belief in each other's party thus their work and personality sometimes changes..Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:I will have to disagree with you. Divorce is no laughing matter and should never be mentioned, no matter how bad the fights are. However angry I got, I would never initiate it, but it is not the same case with her.
There are lots of ways to stop or prevent an arugement from happening..
don't see each other that often, coz in the long run, seeing each other daily, finding faults with each other, we than will be told in our brain that what we each in each other DAILY are only the FLAWS of each other and not the Good-Points of each other..
Try to talk your wife into giving some free-space..
Free Space to go out with her own friends, so she can still like have the feeling of being single when she's out with her own frens...(the same applies to you)
Than if she's concern over u hiding secrets from her..just organise a BBQ somewhere, invite all your buddies and old friends out..ask your wife to do the same..thus from this BBQ, you and your wife get to know each other's frens thus she can set her mind at ease if you go out with your frens without her (tagging along; of course let her know in-advance where you're going with your frens in case her frens spots u and bad-mouth u etc) -
As for the buying of shares, perhaps you might need to bring her to meet either your financial planner or somebody who can explain to her the benefits and low-risk of investing..plus clarify with her the difference between smart-investment (bonds, mutual funds, options, trust, shares etc) and poor-investments (Lottery, 4D, TOTO, Big Sweep)Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Hi, thanks derekcsy, I tin u hit the spot!
Yeah, I'm not inclined to tell her what I'm doing these days because she really is unsupportive.
1) I told her of my interests for the application for Amazing Race Asia, she exploded and refused to let me go. I listen to her, with much regret in my heart.
2) I wanted to set up a small PC for my parents, she exploded and left me! She does not want my parents to have the means to MSN and cause us to lose our privacy. Come on! Parents using MSN?! That weekend we were living separately again. Note the word again 'cause she has done it 1 time before.
3) I told her I bought shares, and she frowned saying it's gambling. But when she heard I had made a little money from it, she kept quiet.
Many more, but I usually won't bring it up during argument 'cause it's unhealthy for r/s.
she seems unclear in this area, so if it's within your means, try to arrange someone to speak to her..
and most importantly, tell her your reasons for investment - Invest to grow money (emphasis low-risk, and sure get back) and you're doing it for your family, you, her and the child-to-be.
As for Msn, let her know something, communication is vital. Quote an example to her:
If today we don't communicate with our parents, how do we expect our children in future to comminicate with us? Do you want our children to abandon us when we grow older as well?
Beside, our parents could help us to take care of our kids in future.
No harm right..
Just chat a while once per week or something reguarly over the net wun kill..and it saves the trouble of doing home visits which takes up more time...
Tell her the benefits... -
i dunno what to say to u dude~ yes divorce shld nv be mentioned as its a serious matter. however come to think of it again, is it so important to the extend that it MIGHT affect yours n her happiness for the rest of your life? if divorce is so serious and shldnt be mentioned y is she bringing it up again, n again?
but then again, its me...
gd luck