My wife always threaten divorce wen we quarrel.How 2 handle?
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Problem has gone away, people....Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Hi Chrysalis_Guy,
Thanks for your advice. I think she also don't want divorce, but she said it mainly to spite me 'cause I don't like to hear it. Spouses really know how to hurt each other when they quarrel.
Anyway, I back with her liao. Atmosphere is better. I said she's such a berserker. She said yeah, she's the master berserker. HAHA! I hope this peace can last a week or more. -
you had post-quarrel sex didnt you?!
all the fury and hatred unleashed on the bed...
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I don't know how to advice you but once that thought is in your head, its hard to remove. Try counselling to talk about mutual issues.
Do not become like what I have. I am considering divorce because my husband do not believe anything I say, will never hear me out, will never go counselling, my opinions and things that happen to me never matter. He does not like to talk and does not expect any conversation, and expects me to give way all the time plus he's a mommy boy and sides his family. I tried and tried and I am on the verge of giving up.
It was a failure from the start -
Ermmm... what is your husband and your astrology?Originally posted by mistyblue:I don't know how to advice you but once that thought is in your head, its hard to remove. Try counselling to talk about mutual issues.
Do not become like what I have. I am considering divorce because my husband do not believe anything I say, will never hear me out, will never go counselling, my opinions and things that happen to me never matter. He does not like to talk and does not expect any conversation, and expects me to give way all the time plus he's a mommy boy and sides his family. I tried and tried and I am on the verge of giving up.
It was a failure from the start -
what has it got to do with astrology?
we are both aquarius but never believe all the things people say about compatability, its all BS. My husband failed as a husband. The best joke is that my husband support his mother who is staying with us to collect monthly allowance of 300 from me. But I still get to do all the housework in the house other than cook. Everything that needs to be cleaned is my job.
Anyways, he raised the issue of divorce because of my MIL creating a big drama over a misplaced knife caused by me. But he had misplaced knifes and endangered my life and never even apologise. And on another occassion, he told me to move out. We are only married about 1+ year. Seriously, I do not think it will last. -
Get a flat, break free from your MIL control. Your husband...haiz...i dislike mommy's boy too. First 2 years of marriage is generally the time when couple began to really know each other. Divorce is just word of anger during quarrels and one will regret saying it. So learn not to say this word, maybe people today watch too much from TV.Originally posted by mistyblue:what has it got to do with astrology?
we are both aquarius but never believe all the things people say about compatability, its all BS. My husband failed as a husband. The best joke is that my husband support his mother who is staying with us to collect monthly allowance of 300 from me. But I still get to do all the housework in the house other than cook. Everything that needs to be cleaned is my job.
Anyways, he raised the issue of divorce because of my MIL creating a big drama over a misplaced knife caused by me. But he had misplaced knifes and endangered my life and never even apologise. And on another occassion, he told me to move out. We are only married about 1+ year. Seriously, I do not think it will last.
Some people use Astrology as a guide to search for partner, is up to you to believe it. You and your husband seems alright. Maybe it's your MIL who has caused a rift. -
ya..when scold or threaten..tats it..kiss her to shut her mouth...or rub her toot...make her horny...get her into bed..so she nth to say....
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Ya, just becareful she may kick your boss...than Owwwhhooooo!Originally posted by Aaron8209:ya..when scold or threaten..tats it..kiss her to shut her mouth...or rub her toot...make her horny...get her into bed..so she nth to say.... -
My husband is married to his family and his mother. He mention that move out but he will always travel back to see and stay with his family, nieces, nephews and mommy.Originally posted by dreamykite:Get a flat, break free from your MIL control. Your husband...haiz...i dislike mommy's boy too. First 2 years of marriage is generally the time when couple began to really know each other. Divorce is just word of anger during quarrels and one will regret saying it. So learn not to say this word, maybe people today watch too much from TV.
Some people use Astrology as a guide to search for partner, is up to you to believe it. You and your husband seems alright. Maybe it's your MIL who has caused a rift.
I think he never intended to get married and was not ready to start a family. He is married to his mommy. Whatever mommy say, he support 1000%. Wife can always be marginalised and bullied into submission.
That's what he did. I cannot tolerate anymore. He is a bad husband. Divorce and separation was his threat. When I voiced it back, he blamed me. Then he threaten divorce and wanted to kick me out of the house in favour of his mommy and keeping peace for his family. I know that divorce is the only way.
I told him before, it is impossible to make everyone happy and he had placed himself into a difficult position by his decision and had always asked me to give way. I've bend backwards and snapped for him and to make his days easier. Then his come back at me was that I should never have obeyed his words and I should do what I want. But when I do what I want, I get quarrels I did not obey him and make his life easy - LPPL. Now I realised my stupidity and do not want to be a part of it anymore -
Divorce is a critical decision just like marriage that you have to think through thoroughly. Emotional decision will result in regrets esp to a woman.
Nobody likes to divorce as they will be lonely. And, most people like marriage as they will no longer lonely.
However, one's happiness is more important above all.
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I am wondering why u amrried in the first place? U married for 1 yr + only?? And seems like a massive issue happen???Originally posted by mistyblue:what has it got to do with astrology?
we are both aquarius but never believe all the things people say about compatability, its all BS. My husband failed as a husband. The best joke is that my husband support his mother who is staying with us to collect monthly allowance of 300 from me. But I still get to do all the housework in the house other than cook. Everything that needs to be cleaned is my job.
Anyways, he raised the issue of divorce because of my MIL creating a big drama over a misplaced knife caused by me. But he had misplaced knifes and endangered my life and never even apologise. And on another occassion, he told me to move out. We are only married about 1+ year. Seriously, I do not think it will last. -
Hi Mistyblue,Originally posted by mistyblue:I don't know how to advice you but once that thought is in your head, its hard to remove. Try counselling to talk about mutual issues.
Do not become like what I have. I am considering divorce because my husband do not believe anything I say, will never hear me out, will never go counselling, my opinions and things that happen to me never matter. He does not like to talk and does not expect any conversation, and expects me to give way all the time plus he's a mommy boy and sides his family. I tried and tried and I am on the verge of giving up.
It was a failure from the start
The tot of divorce is not in my head at all, but my wife will deliberately mention it whenever we argue. Yes, I agree that it is hard to remove once the word is mentioned once, no matter how vaguely. Anyway, like you, I am prepared to go counselling if things get real bad, but not my wife.
I read your posts and first of all, a guy to be caught in between a mother and wife is very very stressful. Unexpectedly, I found myself caught in between these situations a few times myself and wished I were dead instead of facing it. I do not know how to term a Mommy's boy, but there may be reasons why after marriage, the attachment to one's mother is still there.
For my wife and myself, since we are both bad-tempered, both sides of parents do not stand a chance if we decide things. If I were to decide stuff, and my mum stop me, I will retaliate. Of course, if I realise I am in the wrong, I will apologise.
Moving out is the best option so far that I can think of. He may claim he will go back to see his family, but having a distance now will make a difference. Whether there is tension between mother and wife or not, staying together with either side of parents is still not considered "a family." I know you are stressed out, but think of it this way; mums may be there, but eventually they will get old and pass away 1st(not that I'm badmouthing them), eventually, you and your husband will still live together for the rest of your life. 1 man in between 2 ladies, both meant well, but neither will accept the "loss" of their treasured beloved.
I really hope you do not consider divorce. Exhaust all means to save it, e.g, see counsellor. Like one of the forumers suggest, if 1 party refuse, then the other one go see alone 1st. A 3rd party view usually sees things clearer. -
I agree with you that moving out seems better. Probably another thing which you mentioned is correct too; too much television. We were brought up in rather western environment that "if we love each other, we marry, if not we divorce".Originally posted by dreamykite:Get a flat, break free from your MIL control. Your husband...haiz...i dislike mommy's boy too. First 2 years of marriage is generally the time when couple began to really know each other. Divorce is just word of anger during quarrels and one will regret saying it. So learn not to say this word, maybe people today watch too much from TV.
Some people use Astrology as a guide to search for partner, is up to you to believe it. You and your husband seems alright. Maybe it's your MIL who has caused a rift.
Marriage takes a lot of effort to maintain. Sometimes, pride and ego are the worst characteristics that can get in the way. And further more, in times of anger, everything takes a wrong turn when harmful words are exchanged
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Well, most couples marry because they love each other. The years in marriage does not reflect if massive issue happens or not. A decade in marriage can result in failure just as easily.Originally posted by CannyOng:I am wondering why u amrried in the first place? U married for 1 yr + only?? And seems like a massive issue happen???
Probably, what most did not consider is the pressure from society, money issues, customs and procedure, or even superstition. If both did not work together to resolve these issues, it would be a very challenging time ahead. -
I never felt I was ever married. He married his mother. I had always been lonely even living together because he will spend more time dating his mother, playing with his nieces, talking to his brother and etc. I had been marginalised and my needs never met. Why I got married? His mother proposed. He's a bad husband, mommy boy and a weakling who often flip flop whatever he say.Originally posted by dreamykite:Divorce is a critical decision just like marriage that you have to think through thoroughly. Emotional decision will result in regrets esp to a woman.
Nobody likes to divorce as they will be lonely. And, most people like marriage as they will no longer lonely.
However, one's happiness is more important above all. -
erm, frustrated.....can i ask you a question?Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Hi, thanks derekcsy, I tin u hit the spot!
Yeah, I'm not inclined to tell her what I'm doing these days because she really is unsupportive.
1) I told her of my interests for the application for Amazing Race Asia, she exploded and refused to let me go. I listen to her, with much regret in my heart.
2) I wanted to set up a small PC for my parents, she exploded and left me! She does not want my parents to have the means to MSN and cause us to lose our privacy. Come on! Parents using MSN?! That weekend we were living separately again. Note the word again 'cause she has done it 1 time before.
3) I told her I bought shares, and she frowned saying it's gambling. But when she heard I had made a little money from it, she kept quiet.
Many more, but I usually won't bring it up during argument 'cause it's unhealthy for r/s.
are you guys always living separately after a quarrel
If you are, please stop this...i URGE you. never allow you wife to stay away from you becoz of an unresolved quarrel.
this mode of escape/cooling off/dunno what to say method will only bring you more serious harm in the long un.
which is also why she begins to feel that she can do without you by staying apart from you and hence, the word divorce creeps into her.
in your instance, you really need to have a very big heart to always always & always forgive her.....you need to have extreme patience and all these will have to come from you......you cannot expect anything from her. all you can do is hope that eventually one day, she'll come to realisation & cherish you for the sacrifices you have been putting up.
let me remind you, it is going to be really really tough on you...both mentally & physically. but you must try, since both of you took the vow, make it a point to honour it even if she doesn't, keep your side of the bargain.
i sincerely wish you & your wife love, peace & joy......
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I thought about divorce and the way things are handled for many months. I told him seriously that he had deliberately made a decision to make his own life difficult and expect me to give in all the time. Then it is unfair. I am a push over most times and I try very hard not to make things difficult for him. However, his idea of starting a family is that his own parent's will be the head and command officers and he is the general, I am the slave with no voice.Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:Hi Mistyblue,
The tot of divorce is not in my head at all, but my wife will deliberately mention it whenever we argue. Yes, I agree that it is hard to remove once the word is mentioned once, no matter how vaguely. Anyway, like you, I am prepared to go counselling if things get real bad, but not my wife.
I read your posts and first of all, a guy to be caught in between a mother and wife is very very stressful. Unexpectedly, I found myself caught in between these situations a few times myself and wished I were dead instead of facing it. I do not know how to term a Mommy's boy, but there may be reasons why after marriage, the attachment to one's mother is still there.
For my wife and myself, since we are both bad-tempered, both sides of parents do not stand a chance if we decide things. If I were to decide stuff, and my mum stop me, I will retaliate. Of course, if I realise I am in the wrong, I will apologise.
Moving out is the best option so far that I can think of. He may claim he will go back to see his family, but having a distance now will make a difference. Whether there is tension between mother and wife or not, staying together with either side of parents is still not considered "a family." I know you are stressed out, but think of it this way; mums may be there, but eventually they will get old and pass away 1st(not that I'm badmouthing them), eventually, you and your husband will still live together for the rest of your life. 1 man in between 2 ladies, both meant well, but neither will accept the "loss" of their treasured beloved.
I really hope you do not consider divorce. Exhaust all means to save it, e.g, see counsellor. Like one of the forumers suggest, if 1 party refuse, then the other one go see alone 1st. A 3rd party view usually sees things clearer.
My in-laws are only in their 50s and I can tell you my MIL drink bird's nest and take tonic to ensure she has a long and strong life. Trust me when I tell you she propably will live beyond me.
He had been the one to suggest divorce and I told him perhaps I move out will be better but then he regretted his word. But I can tell you that its too late. It planted a seed in me that I cannot forget this event that his mother created this divorce because of her need to be the center of his attention and made a drama for him to see. Then on another occasion, he asked me to move out because I folded a photo. I did it the day he scream divorce at me.
As long as he does not understand the idea of a new family, as long as he keep believing that his parents are king and I have to give way to make his day easy. There will not be a next day with me. I want out. I wanted out the day I got married because I saw the kind of things and word my MIL say to instigate and incite my husband. But to my husband, she is an angel and he had demonized me. -
Why did you get married? Cause his mother proposed?Originally posted by mistyblue:I never felt I was ever married. He married his mother. I had always been lonely even living together because he will spend more time dating his mother, playing with his nieces, talking to his brother and etc. I had been marginalised and my needs never met. Why I got married? His mother proposed. He's a bad husband, mommy boy and a weakling who often flip flop whatever he say.
If ah pig or ah dog also come and propose to you, you also marry them? You marry him without understanding him? You marry him not becos you love him and think he is a man whom you can entrust your future with?
Perhaps it is time to take stock, to take responsibility for your own action instead of pushing blames to others? -
Yeah, I'm not inclined to tell her what I'm doing these days because she really is unsupportive.
1. For amazing race - not everyone gets in. My Husband wanted to join the deal or no deal. But I told him please do not ask me to be on stage with him cause I propably freak out... Anyways, he did not take action. You can ask why she did not want to join? Perhaps it because she saw that couple broke up and all the ugly side of things come out in the race and she's fearful. Because she also knows her temper and propably cause ugly things she never wish for the world to see... even for a lot of money. Perhaps you can suggest you join with your guy friends ??? Then she can enjoy watching you and your friends...
1) I told her of my interests for the application for Amazing Race Asia, she exploded and refused to let me go. I listen to her, with much regret in my heart.
2) I wanted to set up a small PC for my parents, she exploded and left me! She does not want my parents to have the means to MSN and cause us to lose our privacy. Come on! Parents using MSN?! That weekend we were living separately again. Note the word again 'cause she has done it 1 time before.
3) I told her I bought shares, and she frowned saying it's gambling. But when she heard I had made a little money from it, she kept quiet.
Many more, but I usually won't bring it up during argument 'cause it's unhealthy for r/s.
2. MSN can block, MSN can also hide status. Privacy? Let me tell you, my husband and I got intimate and my MIL burst in on us - no mood liao. When the nieces and nephews or everyone is around, my husband totally neglects me - and that makes up 90% of the time. I live with my in-laws - I cannot decorate my house, I cannot keep plants, I cannot this, I cannot that because my MIL do not like. The in-laws tell me that, they are senior and therefore own the house even when I pay for everything. Your wife need to take things into perspective. But why does she feel that they are invading the privacy? Are there actions or things that can be done to let her feel better or is she just insecure? Perhaps you can state some time is private time with her and no one should invade. And if she cannot accept, she have a problem with her expectations.
3. You buy shares - no big deal. MY FIL gamble away his previous house. And he still gambles and buys horses. Why did she think you are gambling or she has seen how people became broke due to aggressive shares trading. I've seen it myself with my friends in futures but he too made a tidy bundle once in a while that he can afford rolex and private house. Perhaps, next time you can tell her that you only set aside XXX amount to play shares. You will not touch beyond that amount. If you need to spend more than XXX, then you need to speak to her and let her know the risks and agree on the YYY amount to spend. If it is not doing well, there must be a back out plan and accept the ZZZ amount of losses.
Things can be better managed and at least I feel your wife is in a better situation than me. However, with all things said, its a one sided story I've heard so far so I cannot comment further. R/S need a lot of work between 2 person. She is lucky to not have a MIL to insinuate a lot of things like yesterday she said I only massage my husband. I know she thinks I am slave and should massage her as well. She treats me like a maid all the past years I've known her and she bosses me around because I do not like to be sharp tongue and make things bad but she's pushed me too far.
All in all, I feel your wife is insecure and unsure of you. And you had spoilt her in the past and given way to her. Next is that she need to join wife clubs and know people like me to know how fortunate her situation is. If she hears of my situation, she might have realised how much you might have tried. She need to learn how to treasure the r/s. Too many negative things will rip the r/s apart. -
Well... the above sounds like frustrated_guy wife.Originally posted by de_middle:erm, frustrated.....can i ask you a question?
are you guys always living separately after a quarrel
If you are, please stop this...i URGE you. never allow you wife to stay away from you becoz of an unresolved quarrel.
this mode of escape/cooling off/dunno what to say method will only bring you more serious harm in the long un.
which is also why she begins to feel that she can do without you by staying apart from you and hence, the word divorce creeps into her.
in your instance, you really need to have a very big heart to always always & always forgive her.....you need to have extreme patience and all these will have to come from you......you cannot expect anything from her. all you can do is hope that eventually one day, she'll come to realisation & cherish you for the sacrifices you have been putting up.
let me remind you, it is going to be really really tough on you...both mentally & physically. but you must try, since both of you took the vow, make it a point to honour it even if she doesn't, keep your side of the bargain.
i sincerely wish you & your wife love, peace & joy......
Break away is to prevent a quarrel that might lead to violence. -
Yes, I regret. Do you need to add more salt to the wound?Originally posted by galfriend:Why did you get married? Cause his mother proposed?
If ah pig or ah dog also come and propose to you, you also marry them? You marry him without understanding him? You marry him not becos you love him and think he is a man whom you can entrust your future with?
Perhaps it is time to take stock, to take responsibility for your own action instead of pushing blames to others?
I learnt that he will not take care of me when I got married. I didn't know that all along in the past, what he said is just nonsense. In his word - "I say say and you believe?" He's a true ah beng and his mother really scheming and calculative. He is really married to his mommy and seriously if he can, he would have.
I take responsibility for the wrong decision. However, I do not take responsibility for the break down because both parties are responsible. He had said that I had tried to be a good wife and good to his parents. Anyways, its not constructive to talk to you since you come out swinging the axe on me. If I did not try, I would have annualled the marriage months ago. -
That point I agree.Originally posted by de_middle:erm, frustrated.....can i ask you a question?
are you guys always living separately after a quarrel
If you are, please stop this...i URGE you. never allow you wife to stay away from you becoz of an unresolved quarrel.
this mode of escape/cooling off/dunno what to say method will only bring you more serious harm in the long un.
which is also why she begins to feel that she can do without you by staying apart from you and hence, the word divorce creeps into her.
in your instance, you really need to have a very big heart to always always & always forgive her.....you need to have extreme patience and all these will have to come from you......you cannot expect anything from her. all you can do is hope that eventually one day, she'll come to realisation & cherish you for the sacrifices you have been putting up.
let me remind you, it is going to be really really tough on you...both mentally & physically. but you must try, since both of you took the vow, make it a point to honour it even if she doesn't, keep your side of the bargain.
i sincerely wish you & your wife love, peace & joy......
Moving out only deepens the rift.
and she will start thinking of all sorts of things especially the hurt and pain and she will come to the conclusion that to end all hurt and pain, is to divorce. She is protecting herself because she thinks you cannot. She also does not want to hurt you further and she thinks the r/s is hard on you and didn't want to drag. And also she wants to prove you love her, so she say divorce...
You really need to talk to her and talk alot. You also need to be truthful and talk the walk, walk the talk. This built trust.
My husband constantly tell me to make him happy, make his day, not complain, not whine, not talk about any negative things. I had issues at work and troubles now and then. I have no outlet. When I look sad, my husband disallow me to feel sad in front of him or show any unhappiness in front of his family. But his bad tempers and attitude issues, he dish it out to me like I deserve it. Seriously, I live with a dictator with who I cannot freely express myself and I have no rights to feel anything. I cannot even feel stress and I am told that I must be mentally unstable because everyone is so happy in the house. My husband keep telling me how nice he is to his colleague but at home, he does not even treat me with respect. So much for talk the walk, walk the talk. I know he only BS and expect me to accept. -
Incessant complaining, nagging and quarrelling are not constructive ways of taking responsibility and trying to work things out, i hope you know. Proper communication is.Originally posted by mistyblue:Yes, I regret. Do you need to add more salt to the wound?
I learnt that he will not take care of me when I got married. I didn't know that all along in the past, what he said is just nonsense. In his word - "I say say and you believe?" He's a true ah beng and his mother really scheming and calculative. He is really married to his mommy and seriously if he can, he would have.
I take responsibility for the wrong decision. However, I do not take responsibility for the break down because both parties are responsible. He had said that I had tried to be a good wife and good to his parents. Anyways, its not constructive to talk to you since you come out swinging the axe on me. If I did not try, I would have annualled the marriage months ago.
Well, if you have not the open mind to accept a word of reminder, perhaps i can understand why your husband might have difficulty communicating with you. Good luck and all the best to you. -
Well...don't care what he say since he has been talking nonsense all the time. Just be yourself, express yourself -when you are sad, just be sad, mad when he is not around. The more you care about other's opinion, and behave as what they want, the more unhappy you will become. As long as you did not harm him physically, is alright to be yourself.Originally posted by mistyblue:That point I agree.
Moving out only deepens the rift.
and she will start thinking of all sorts of things especially the hurt and pain and she will come to the conclusion that to end all hurt and pain, is to divorce. She is protecting herself because she thinks you cannot.
You really need to talk to her and talk alot. You also need to be truthful and talk the walk, walk the talk. This built trust.
My husband constantly tell me to make him happy, make his day, not complain, not whine, not talk about any negative things. I had issues at work and troubles now and then. I have no outlet. When I look sad, my husband disallow me to feel sad in front of him or show any unhappiness in front of his family. But his bad tempers and attitude issues, he dish it out to me like I deserve it. Seriously, I live with a dictator with who I cannot freely express myself and I have no rights to feel anything. I cannot even feel stress and I am told that I must be mentally unstable because everyone is so happy in the house. My husband keep telling me how nice he is to his colleague but at home, he does not even treat me with respect. So much for talk the walk, walk the talk. I know he only BS and expect me to accept. -
madam, in 1 week, I talk to him once. I do not nag.Originally posted by galfriend:Incessant complaining, nagging and quarrelling are not constructive ways of taking responsibility and trying to work things out, i hope you know. Proper communication is.
Well, if you have not the open mind to accept a word of reminder, perhaps i can understand why your husband might have difficulty communicating with you. Good luck and all the best to you.
Complain about work and some issues also cannot even just to "talk c0ck" also cannot then, let me ask, what is the point of the r/s.
So what is proper communication. My husband lectures me all the time. Each lecture is 2 hour long on what he thinks I should do and how I should act to make his life easy, how I should give way to make his parents happy and etc.
I talk about feng shui, I added a disclaimer that, I was just curious and didn't intend to do much anyways. But I said that there was once advice that we should watch out for arguments. He cut me off mid sentence, flew into a rage and always in ever argument, had used very threatening body language to intimidate me into submission. At first he succeeded but I was unhappy to go along. Now, I do not care anymore and I just want a divorce.
Aunty. If he cannot converse. It is big issue. He talks nice to his own family. He abuses me and my family. He treats my family like sh!t.