Home > Aunt Agony

Dating a man with children

menokki
13 Aug 07, 18:00

Geez whats it with local chicks and Ang Mohs? (if he is one).

Of course it easy for them.

They are put on a pedestal.

And when you do that people can be downright patronizing.

Oh well you made your bed, you gotta lie in it. i suppose.

Suggestion: You sure you like him for who he is or for his superficial qualities, such as looks money, that kind of thing.

Guys aint dumb and they dont really want to commit to relationships which are based on shallow things.

3 to 4 kids? you sure its not because you think the Kids will look good? Or do you really like kids?

Pardon if I grate but relationships are such awful things. Cant live without them and cant live with them.
sooks
13 Aug 07, 23:30

Originally posted by Gazelle:
1) I wont consider 26 years old girl as young

2) I neither would I consider a 43 man is as old. think Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise

3) I believe your biggest challenge will be to live with his 10 year old son and his mother. Care to share with us your relationships with them?

His daughter and her mum live in Australia. He flies down to see her ever so often.

I get on very well with his daughter, as we try to see each other as much as we can squeeze in. I've only met the ex once, and it was pretty awkward, but she was nice.

My issue isn't even about the ex or anything personal against the daughter. It's that my life now revolves around him, which revolves around his daughter. I don't feel like I have any say in our life plans, because ultimately, I can never underwrite any decisions that he makes (which of course, will involve the daughter). I feel like I have little control over how the next few years pans out.

I just want to know if there are any other people who are in the same situation as me.

1) huge age gap
2) dating man with kid

This hasn't really got much to do with whether he is "angmoh" or not. I accept that we have different value systems.

Like most people on the forum, many find that this is a "strange" relationship that I am in. I am not because with him because he is an "angmoh" or what else. I am genuinely love and have deep respect for him, it is just that circumstances are tough.
norm
13 Aug 07, 23:34

Originally posted by norm:
some young girls get attracted to old uncles, and then live to regret later.
the age gap is certainly too huge. You better think twice. Marrying such an old uncle is really no joke. Like marrying your old grand father. Old men are boring. Think twice. This man like to go for young girls, and dump old ones, like his aged wife.
norm
13 Aug 07, 23:39

Originally posted by norm:
the age gap is certainly too huge. You better think twice. Marrying such an old uncle is really no joke. Like marrying your old grand father. Old men are boring. Think twice. This man like to go for young girls, and dump old ones, like his aged wife.
Singapore has a CPF scheme called ElderCare for all old uncles who are 40 years and above. Marrying an Elderly man means you will need to take care of him when he is too old too walk one day. You become his maid. At your age group, can try to look for a man who is 35 and below.
Guardx
13 Aug 07, 23:57

Originally posted by sooks:
Hi there,

I am a 26 year old woman, dating a man 17 years older than myself, who has a 10 year old daughter who lives in Australia with her Mum.

Our relationship is complicated, and I can't even begin to explain.

My problem is that, because of our huge age difference, coupled with the fact that he already has a child, I am not sure if he wants the same things as I do.

I want 3 - 4 kids, and when I asked if he would like more children, his reply is "I don't mind'. We are in very different stages of our lives. I am young and full of hope for my future, whereas he has pretty much achieved what he desired (Career, kid), hence, he doesn't seem to enthusiastic about OUR future.

I feel resentful, and when I talk to my partner about this, he always says that I have nothing to worry about.

I stepped into this relationship understanding that there will be baggage, and I have put my own feelings aside and braved them all. I've met his ex-partner, faced her friends, gone for family gatherings in Australia and moved into his home. I've done all this despite my own anxieties.

I'm resentful of the fact that my life is and will continue to revolve around him and his past. That this relationship (I quote him) is "so easy" whereas I feel like I am battling everything on my own.

I am at breaking point.
Sorry to ask what breaking point are you at ?

You resent but refuse to give up and you keep giving us excuses that he is so good and so on,...

Since you already decided to stay with him then why complain?

Gals are always like that give them a bit, they keep asking for more.
When they know they cannot get it, crap so much and refuse to give up, saying so many good things.

Don't you all feel is like crap?
jojobeach
14 Aug 07, 00:02

[quote]Originally posted by sooks:
[b]

His daughter and her mum live in Australia. He flies down to see her ever so often.

I get on very well with his daughter, as we try to see each other as much as we can squeeze in. I've only met the ex once, and it was pretty awkward, but she was nice.

You may think the daughter is the third party.
In actual fact, arn't you are the one taking away her father ?

Getting involve with a man with children is never easy.
If your heart is not big enough to accomodate everyone, please don't take the plunge.
WiNtEr'SkiLL
14 Aug 07, 00:09

ur being foolish.

u know he cant give u any status unless he divorces.. u know he cant forsake his children totally.

even he leaves his wife to be with u, can u guarantee he wont leave u for other women in future ?

thats my opinion..
TheGoodEarth
14 Aug 07, 02:30

Originally posted by sooks:
I just want to know if there are any other people who are in the same situation as me.

1) huge age gap
2) dating man with kid
So what if you know there are other people in the same situation as you? Everyday, when u r in the bus or MRT, other people in the same situation as you!
Exactly, what is it you want to know? Ask the right questions!
the_fallen
14 Aug 07, 03:38

Originally posted by sooks:
Hi there,

I am a 26 year old woman, dating a man 17 years older than myself, who has a 10 year old daughter who lives in Australia with her Mum.

Our relationship is complicated, and I can't even begin to explain.

My problem is that, because of our huge age difference, coupled with the fact that he already has a child, I am not sure if he wants the same things as I do.

I want 3 - 4 kids, and when I asked if he would like more children, his reply is "I don't mind'. We are in very different stages of our lives. I am young and full of hope for my future, whereas he has pretty much achieved what he desired (Career, kid), hence, he doesn't seem to enthusiastic about OUR future.

I feel resentful, and when I talk to my partner about this, he always says that I have nothing to worry about.

I stepped into this relationship understanding that there will be baggage, and I have put my own feelings aside and braved them all. I've met his ex-partner, faced her friends, gone for family gatherings in Australia and moved into his home. I've done all this despite my own anxieties.

I'm resentful of the fact that my life is and will continue to revolve around him and his past. That this relationship (I quote him) is "so easy" whereas I feel like I am battling everything on my own.

I am at breaking point.
You 26 years old

Him 43 years old married with 2 kids and good financial stability

Differences:

You full of drive, but willing to compromise..

Him: Have kids, still need to look after the interest of his current 2 kids..

You might be thinking that he is a good guy..since you're seriously considering him having to meet his ex-spouse etc..

but let's do a weightage..

if you want 3-4 kids..

so in future, u will have total of 5-6 kids..

will you be able to take care of his current 2 kids equally like you do to your own child?

will his curent kids accept your new kids and take u as their step-mom?
not a lot of kids are willing to do that...even if their step-moms are good to them..coz i know of frens who comes from broken family etc..

most moms can't do that, i from what you type, i think you could, but that's only if u don't get depression after giving birth, coz lots of married ladies especially ladies who knows their other half's commitments tied up somewhere, will get jealous easily..

how do you ensure that your own kids will not be bullied by his kids behind you and your man's back? (if their smart, what would it be if they push the blame to the maid if you're both considering hiring one)

you are concern about the future if you really consider him, but hey look, he ain't taking your concerns seriously and just shrug it off his shoulders just like that so simply..if before marriage, he's attitude is already like that, god knows what will it become of him when it comes to being a respondsible and being a dutiful dad..

since you're a good lady, you have better seek a better half else-where..looking at your age...Match-Making sites should be a good place for you..

since you're already planning so far, than i believe u have taken into consderation of the fact that you're nearing 30s in a few years time thus there's higher risk of being a 1st time mom in the 30s..thus u plan so much into consideration..

while not all hopes is lost..u should better start dating and find a guy better than this one whom you're currently dating..

lastly -

He: Already feels comfortable at where he is currently with no drive to seek improvement etc..

You: Seek towards a better future..and if you're in differnet frequency with him, than it's difficult to get along well..coz not all problems can be solved with money...
DjMatrix
14 Aug 07, 04:23

have u tried raping his son/daughter?
jojobeach
14 Aug 07, 04:42

Originally posted by sooks:
I just want to know if there are any other people who are in the same situation as me.

1) huge age gap
2) dating man with kid

Most people will avoid going into this kind of relationship.
If you are looking for similar encounters, you have come to the wrong place.

What you have chosen is a difficult and lonely path.
comberbache
14 Aug 07, 09:58

As others have already mentioned, it sounds like you already know the answer to your question...
Gazelle
14 Aug 07, 10:09

Originally posted by sooks:
His daughter and her mum live in Australia. He flies down to see her ever so often.

I get on very well with his daughter, as we try to see each other as much as we can squeeze in. I've only met the ex once, and it was pretty awkward, but she was nice.

My issue isn't even about the ex or anything personal against the daughter. It's that my life now revolves around him, which revolves around his daughter. I don't feel like I have any say in our life plans, because ultimately, I can never underwrite any decisions that he makes (which of course, will involve the daughter). I feel like I have little control over how the next few years pans out.

I just want to know if there are any other people who are in the same situation as me.

1) huge age gap
2) dating man with kid

This hasn't really got much to do with whether he is "angmoh" or not. I accept that we have different value systems.

Like most people on the forum, many find that this is a "strange" relationship that I am in. I am not because with him because he is an "angmoh" or what else. I am genuinely love and have deep respect for him, it is just that circumstances are tough.
There is nothing wrong with the age gap, (infact that is quite a good match) nor dating a man with kid if he is already divorvced

Before you make any long term decision you should consider.

1) Will you be living with the inlaws? Does your inlaws like his ex-wife?

2) What is the reason they divorce? Is there any chance that it will happen to you?

3) Can you accept meeting his ex once in awhile since she will definitely have to visit her daughter?

4) Is his ex-wife remarried/dating etc? Are you those sort that will be worried that the ex-wife might come back again?
sillyme
14 Aug 07, 10:17

Why is the age gap a problem to you?
Why is his past bothering you? Are you afraid that he has not moved on? Are you afraid that he still has feelings for his ex-wife?
Are you afraid that he will place a high priority over his daughter over you and your children in future?

List out your fears and write it down.
But do also list out his positives and what you appreciate about him.

And tell him all about these, plainly and clearly.

Don't let negativity take over you. In the long run, it will rub off badly on him and it will be self-fulfilling damage to the relationship.
sooks
14 Aug 07, 11:49

1. He was never married to his ex. Defacto. Aussie style.

2. He only has a daughter. She does not live in SG with us.
His ex has two kids, both from 2 different relationships.

3. I do not feel insecure about his ex at all. She isn't in the equation.

I have remain positive over the 2 years we have been together. I make concessions in my life, I make an effort with his family (daughter and extended family).

I want to meet people with similar experiences, to understand if how I feel is normal and rational. I don't really believe that I am being unreasonable to feel this way.

I need to know that my needs are being met, that my concerns are of priority to someone whom I intend to spend the rest of my life with.

I am just trying to be as rational as I can.
sooks
14 Aug 07, 11:56

And also, I was not the cause of their breakup.
They had broken up 4 years before I met him.

His ex used to live here as well.
But after the breakup, she took the kids and went back to Australia.
Gazelle
14 Aug 07, 12:04

sooks, trust your feeling, no relationship is perfect match.
So my suggestion to you is to go for it and dont live to regret it.
norm
14 Aug 07, 12:07

Originally posted by sooks:
And also, I was not the cause of their breakup.
They had broken up 4 years before I met him.

His ex used to live here as well.
But after the breakup, she took the kids and went back to Australia.
You will end up exactly like her one day. The old man has obviously hurt her badly to make her want to move to Australia. He can do it to her, he can do it to you as well. You better wake up now before it is too late. Don't end up another victim like her. But I think its already too late for you now, from the way you write.
angel7030
14 Aug 07, 16:19

Originally posted by norm:
You will end up exactly like her one day. The old man has obviously hurt her badly to make her want to move to Australia. He can do it to her, he can do it to you as well. You better wake up now before it is too late. Don't end up another victim like her. But I think its already too late for you now, from the way you write.
Ya, as an Auntie, have you thought about the other Auntie (his ex) being hurt and sad about your intrusion. Have a kind heart lah, afterall, all you aunties are women, should understand each other, a woman happiness is another woman heartbreak, do you understand, you do it, it will fall on you one day.

Me young young also care for our own gender and think wisely, why can't you?? Is it that all young sing and aussie single young guys die liao meh? Die die must get this old ang moh meh??
Gazelle
14 Aug 07, 16:46

Originally posted by norm:
You will end up exactly like her one day. The old man has obviously hurt her badly to make her want to move to Australia. He can do it to her, he can do it to you as well. You better wake up now before it is too late. Don't end up another victim like her. But I think its already too late for you now, from the way you write.
how do you know the reason for the divorce when the TS didnt mentioned anything?
TinySue
15 Aug 07, 04:06

Originally posted by sooks:
His daughter and her mum live in Australia. He flies down to see her ever so often.

I get on very well with his daughter, as we try to see each other as much as we can squeeze in. I've only met the ex once, and it was pretty awkward, but she was nice.

My issue isn't even about the ex or anything personal against the daughter. It's that my life now revolves around him, which revolves around his daughter. I don't feel like I have any say in our life plans, because ultimately, I can never underwrite any decisions that he makes (which of course, will involve the daughter). I feel like I have little control over how the next few years pans out.

I just want to know if there are any other people who are in the same situation as me.

1) huge age gap
2) dating man with kid
This hasn't really got much to do with whether he is "angmoh" or not. I accept that we have different value systems.

Like most people on the forum, many find that this is a "strange" relationship that I am in. I am not because with him because he is an "angmoh" or what else. I am genuinely love and have deep respect for him, it is just that circumstances are tough.

Hmm, either you are really that naive at 26 or ignorant of lives. What makes you think you are so special in this world that you are the only female that dates overage man with children? You said you 'genuinely' love him but I seriously doubt so. If you really 'genuinely' in love with this overage with a child guy than what has his number has to do with your decision or desire to be with him. Let's try an analyze a little further in your unfounded doubts about this relationship.

Age - Are you afraid he is unable to perform sexually and also because you are 'afraid' he might have low sperm count that may hindered your plan on having kids of your own in future should you marry him? Unfounded doubts. There are viagra that a man a better sex partner. Ok, big deal if he has low sperm count. You can always opt for artificial insemination if you are a healthy young female with no health complication.

Then you state your concern of him having a child. Ok, despite you admitting you having a good relationship with his daughter yet it prompts you to ask a unnecessary question about any other females in your situation dating a man with a child - Look around you and open your eyes. There ARE tons of single woman having a relationship with divorce men and it's not only happening in the angmohs society. Any kind of race will have such situation.So there again another unfounded worry or concern on your part.

You also mention circumstances are tough but did not care to elaborate? What circumstances? Afraid of society gossips because of age differences? Come on girl, if you really love this guy as you claim do you care how society look at you? Furthermore if you marry him you might follow him back to OZ and the angmohs wouldn't give a hoot who you knocked up with.

Oh, maybe you are 'worried' or 'afraid' your family or friends won't accept him because of the so-called differences you mention? If your family have no issue of accepting him as your future mate why would you bother what other people say. Ultimately it's you going to live out your life with him, not them. And even if your parents disagree, will that really bother you that much? And you are already a mature thinking adult assuming you are really mature.

So what or where is the obstacle or barrier you feel you are facing? Almost none.

The barrier or obstacle is ACTUALLY YOU YOURSELF. YOU ARE NOT REALLY THAT HAPPY OR IN ON THIS RELATIONSHIP DESPITE YOUR ADAMANT CLAIM THAT YOU GENUINELY LOVE. The age and the child issue is just a subconscious denial on your part. I would seriously suggest you take a step back and reflect on yourself. Be very very honest with yourself and ask the question. Do you really really love this overage guy with a child that really much or was it of some fear in you that you are already 26 and still find no real suitable match? So it's time to grab somebody, ANYBODY in case you felt you might miss the boat and eventually got left on the shelf if you don't make a move now.

Don't cheat yourself especially the guy into a relationship you are really trying to find fault with. It hurts both party especially the guy when he had already gone through one lousy patch in his life.
Magnus
15 Aug 07, 06:52

Sooks,

As a expat here, you were there for his convenience. A subsitution.
That also explains why your life revolves around them and probably have not much control.