Relationship woes.. views appreciated (very long post)
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Thx for your advise. I will do some self-evaluation before embarking on my next course of action.Originally posted by CannyOng:From yr story I will say God is fair. A blessed lady is plagued with illness.
As for TS,I will say u stay away from love with other gal. Every r/s u been,the other party is getting hurt!
Only the day that yr love can conquer yr practical and realistic side of yrself. Then u can fit to be in love again.
Btw,I mention God is fair. There is also something call Karma. Whatever u done to hurt others,will come back to hunt u again..
Karma is a very subjective thing. Instead of getting worried about negative karma being built in this lifetime, many people including myself
would prefer thinking of it as amortizing the positive karma from the past lifetime. Besides, there's a flipside to every failed relationship.
Cheers -
i feel that u were making use of B from the beginning..
u wooed her bcos u wanted to take revenge on S. You could not take it lying down that S left you, you wanted to prove to her and yourself that you can find someone more intelligent, capable and attractive than her.
I dun think you still love S, and i dun think you will love her again. You love yourself most ba..
Since u no longer love both S or B, then pls leave them alone. -
it has nothing to do with his profession lah.Originally posted by Scion79:Anyway I really appreciate your advise, it is wise and unpretentious. Out of curiosity, what is your profession? You seem to have a very analytical mind
and surpassing articulation skills. It was indeed my pleasure to correspond with you. Have a lovely day ahead.
Cheers
Yun has always been so analytical. -
No, what I meant was retaliation by B.Originally posted by Scion79:You are right, all separations are painful theoretically. However, it largely depends on the situation per say. If both parties can agree on a mutual
breakup after understanding that it is beneficial and logical, then the pain can me mitigated to a controlled extend.
Your indication of payback refers to negative karma I presume? Well let's put it this way, if a breakup benefits both parties eventually, why would I
be afraid of the liability of bad karma? I am nice to B simply because she's my current gf afterall. To the risk of sounding cliche, I do feel for her, even from the
point of a friend.
I fully advocate your principle of "Do not shit where you eat". This has always been my principle all along. Trust me, in my industry and company especially,
it is suicidal to have inter-co workers relationships...
Cheers
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Breaking up is not difficult.
All it takes was one minute.
A text message.
A phone call.
It's the aftermath you worry about.
In your case, you have nothing to lose.
You have already figured everything out.
What else is there to question ?
Are you afraid you may be making a big mistake by letting B go ?
So far, your postings has been nothing but superficial.
There is a deeper reason why you are a player.
I find it hard to believe one can so easily fall out of love with B, if she is really what you have described.
Low self-esteem perhaps ? That is why you can't accept the fact that you deserve such a wonderful woman like B ?
In all breakups.... lingering on.... and pretending to be the good guy only serves no one but yourself.
To be kind, you need to be cruel. -
There is no less painfull way of dumping someone. Trust me, i have been there done that.
The thing is, do you have the courage?
There is no right or wrong to this matter. No worries. U just gotta find a reason to. -
as u say it - B is useless to you now - that you seem to have got all the knowledge from her - Possible the only reason you with her is !!!
Growth up - you are born a flirt and play enough and want to move on say do not have to give excuse or reason !!! By the way - what u do to other will come back to you ..... go die of aids !!! -
Errr.... first thing of all, I think the post that u made is sincerely from yr heart... Becoz, in internet, no1 noes u n u dont noe any1 in here... There is no reason for u to hide or lie...
Conscience tells u tat u feel bad if u break up a person when in need. But conscience also tells u tat u are unable to be with B anymore... This proves tat u r not a very bad person...
However, u have to understand tat love is not a pity... It is normal for one to break up with the reasons tat u layed... And I think u noes tat she noes on these things... So, it is not a difficult thing to voice out, but at the same time, u can give her yr support as a friend... If things get too sticky, then, u may consider isolation lor...
I always believe tat problems are meant to be solved but not meant to be run away... I understand tat to some people some problems can never be solved...
So in future, pls do consider the reasons tat u layed b4 when u intend to court some1... I dont wish to see u again in here... -
I never mentioned that I fell emotionally for B. Rather it was more of a companionship and she's fully aware of that from the start.Originally posted by jojobeach:I find it hard to believe one can so easily fall out of love with B, if she is really what you have described.
Low self-esteem perhaps ? That is why you can't accept the fact that you deserve such a wonderful woman like B ?
In all breakups.... lingering on.... and pretending to be the good guy only serves no one but yourself.
To be kind, you need to be cruel.
Ya but I agree that one have to be cruel sometimes... Especially in sticky situations like this.
Cheers -
You're right. I think to some extend, I did make use of her. Not so much to take revenge but to salvage my self worth.Originally posted by browniebaobao:i feel that u were making use of B from the beginning..
u wooed her bcos u wanted to take revenge on S. You could not take it lying down that S left you, you wanted to prove to her and yourself that you can find someone more intelligent, capable and attractive than her.
I dun think you still love S, and i dun think you will love her again. You love yourself most ba..
Since u no longer love both S or B, then pls leave them alone.
Probably, you'll never be able to put yourself in my shoes and understand the kinda ego bash i've been thru. Cuz in all my relationships for the past 15 years, S is the only woman whom initiated a breakup.
Cheers -
Growth up?? I reckon you meant grow up ya?? Well please enlighten me what has growing up got to do with my situation?Originally posted by storywolf:as u say it - B is useless to you now - that you seem to have got all the knowledge from her - Possible the only reason you with her is !!!
Growth up - you are born a flirt and play enough and want to move on say do not have to give excuse or reason !!! By the way - what u do to other will come back to you ..... go die of aids !!!
Pardon me but does the fact that i'm gonna remain as a player or decides to move on has any linkage to growing up or not?? I wonder how old are you btw??
Anyway interpersonal relationship woes are subjective pertaining to which party is at fault ya?? Your last comment regarding aids, very uncalled for in my opinion. Based on this, I have seen how grown up you are...
Cheers -
Thank you for your kind and non-judgemental comment, which is relatively rare so far...Originally posted by ispyyy:Errr.... first thing of all, I think the post that u made is sincerely from yr heart... Becoz, in internet, no1 noes u n u dont noe any1 in here... There is no reason for u to hide or lie...
Conscience tells u tat u feel bad if u break up a person when in need. But conscience also tells u tat u are unable to be with B anymore... This proves tat u r not a very bad person...
However, u have to understand tat love is not a pity... It is normal for one to break up with the reasons tat u layed... And I think u noes tat she noes on these things... So, it is not a difficult thing to voice out, but at the same time, u can give her yr support as a friend... If things get too sticky, then, u may consider isolation lor...
I always believe tat problems are meant to be solved but not meant to be run away... I understand tat to some people some problems can never be solved...
So in future, pls do consider the reasons tat u layed b4 when u intend to court some1... I dont wish to see u again in here...
Cheers -
Thank you for your kind and non-judgemental comment, which is relatively rare so far...Originally posted by ispyyy:Errr.... first thing of all, I think the post that u made is sincerely from yr heart... Becoz, in internet, no1 noes u n u dont noe any1 in here... There is no reason for u to hide or lie...
Conscience tells u tat u feel bad if u break up a person when in need. But conscience also tells u tat u are unable to be with B anymore... This proves tat u r not a very bad person...
However, u have to understand tat love is not a pity... It is normal for one to break up with the reasons tat u layed... And I think u noes tat she noes on these things... So, it is not a difficult thing to voice out, but at the same time, u can give her yr support as a friend... If things get too sticky, then, u may consider isolation lor...
I always believe tat problems are meant to be solved but not meant to be run away... I understand tat to some people some problems can never be solved...
So in future, pls do consider the reasons tat u layed b4 when u intend to court some1... I dont wish to see u again in here...
Cheers -
so?Originally posted by Scion79:You're right. I think to some extend, I did make use of her. Not so much to take revenge but to salvage my self worth.
Probably, you'll never be able to put yourself in my shoes and understand the kinda ego bash i've been thru. Cuz in all my relationships for the past 15 years, S is the only woman whom initiated a breakup.
Cheers
do u think only u have the right to initiate a break up?
in r/s, it's either u or the other party initiate a break.. or silent break. -
Somehow your story don't seem to gel.Originally posted by Scion79:I never mentioned that I fell emotionally for B. Rather it was more of a companionship and she's fully aware of that from the start.
Ya but I agree that one have to be cruel sometimes... Especially in sticky situations like this.
Cheers
Anyway, have you found what you seek from this agony forum ?
Self-worth is not determined by how much you are needed by somebody.
It is how much you can give to others, unconditionally.
A lost soul trapped inside a prideful shell, you are. -
1] Leave B, Be with S
2] Be with S, Leave B
3] Leave B & S
If i'll you, i'll take 1]. (Which i've already took.) -
Originally posted by Scion79:I am impressed. Sincere thanks for your meticulous and surprisingly immaculate analysis. It has certainly enabled a new dimension towards my
perception in life. You pointed out that I have many dimensions of vulnerability as a whole pertaining to relationships and emotions. That is such an
accurate mirror of my inner-most feelings.
Prior to my acquaintance to S, my preceding relationships and flings could not engage me beyond my esteem, cognitive emotions and aesthetic desire, which belongs to the 2nd quantum defined in Marslow's hierarchy of needs. To put it in layman terms, I have not explored my humane self fully by reaching the top consortium of self-actualization and ultimately, self-transcendence. Through S's tender sincerity, I began to learn how to love and to sacrifice unconditionally. (Which is such a shame given that my 1st relationship started when I was 13 and all those 10 years before I met S, I have not been able to bask in the full potential of unblemished and pure love).
You surprise me with your accurate inference of "You have unseen blemishes clogged deep right in your soul since the day S promulgate breaking up." In many situations in life, you can forgive but it is somehow difficult to forget. Different individuals have diverse takes towards dealing with life's hard knocks. This is best described by the Elephant metaphor involving 7 blind men, which is so highly advocated by Alan Greenspan before his tenure at the world bank was up. Since that fateful breakup, the bruise in my ego has egged me on full acceleration to improve myself and achieve as much as I can. On hindsight, I can say that without this setback, I would probably have remained languid and unambitious, especially so when I could easily take my family wealth for granted. However like what you prophesied, the hate of having my feeling of love in its purest form disappointed remains embedded deep. Now can you share some views how I should let go of this hatred and start to accept love without prejudice? I trust your insight would be beneficial from the sincere and profound reply
you have posted thus far.
Seperate issue, you mentioned that a player by rationale should have no qualms taking a relationship easy without finding hard to let go right ? With the risk of sounding absurd, I am actually a soft hearted person. My current situation would have easily been resolved by terminating B and cutting off all contacts if I
was callous enough. Do you understand why I find it hard to bring up the seperation issue to B now?
Anyway I really appreciate your advise, it is wise and unpretentious. Out of curiosity, what is your profession? You seem to have a very analytical mind
and surpassing articulation skills. It was indeed my pleasure to correspond with you. Have a lovely day ahead.
Cheers
How can you accept love without prejudice?
You just have to return back to the self when 'S' manifested it out from your life when you were in aussie.
You have been there before - you know the road to unlock that route; just that you have chose not to.
*** Seriously, it depends on whether you prefer to pursue a relationship driven out of love or fear.
Fear is a huge black word that covers all aspects of negativity that you employed to protect yourself and your ego. And it's impossible to be self protective and loving at the simultaneously - that logics never worked. It's either you are a loving person that allows love to evolve you or you prefer to be self absorbed, warding love away by swinging your blades maliciously at something so natural.
You were right about you being delicate inside because chances are, you are having strings of relationship because there's so much unconscious fear in love that you had to leave women before one of them uncover this side of you... the facet of yourself you never wanted to divulge unknowingly again.
You might think that your reason for not leaving B is because of her; but I am afraid when you probe deeper, it's more likely to be you. That domineering woman you first knew her, had become submissive and equipped with complete evolution in her attitude towards her relationship - do you see a mirror image?
Do you see yourself, in her, 5 years back?
Have you realised that you had become the position of 'S' when 'S' was 'S'?
Your hatred and disappointment in love has transformed you into the very hatred you abhorred.
What's callous in love could be gentle in the long run. Albeit, it may appear heartbreaking to call it off, but what's that compared to the insidious truth of you having the initial agenda of this love: to profit from this partnership in career-knowledge wise, sexually and every other thing in which might not have mentioned here? Yes, it's between two consented adults, but allows me to reveal my two cent below:
At her age, B probably just needs a man to settle with, regardless of the expectation she has for her mate (I assume she is about 32).
You don't have to - Man always has that luxury.
Now that you have readily admit you have no love for this woman and since you are not going to marry her (neither are you releasing her), are you going to retain her until you resolve your emotional insecurity? At the age of 32, how long do you intend to keep her?
I wonder if you realise that you will probably destroy her like how 'S' did to your emotional state - your sympathy has become a facade for cruelty.
Cheers -
Apologies for the miscom but.....Originally posted by browniebaobao:so?
do u think only u have the right to initiate a break up?
in r/s, it's either u or the other party initiate a break.. or silent break.
I didn't mention anything about me having the exculsive right to initiate a break up....
Hope the above clarifies...
Cheers -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:
Very profound analysis. Tq for your direction How can you accept love without prejudice?
You just have to return back to the self when 'S' manifested it out from your life when you were in aussie.
You have been there before - you know the road to unlock that route; just that you have chose not to.
*** Seriously, it depends on whether you prefer to pursue a relationship driven out of love or fear.
Fear is a huge black word that covers all aspects of negativity that you employed to protect yourself and your ego. And it's impossible to be self protective and loving at the simultaneously - that logics never worked. It's either you are a loving person that allows love to evolve you or you prefer to be self absorbed, warding love away by swinging your blades maliciously at something so natural.
You were right about you being delicate inside because chances are, you are having strings of relationship because there's so much unconscious fear in love that you had to leave women before one of them uncover this side of you... the facet of yourself you never wanted to divulge unknowingly again.
You might think that your reason for not leaving B is because of her; but I am afraid when you probe deeper, it's more likely to be you. That domineering woman you first knew her, had become submissive and equipped with complete evolution in her attitude towards her relationship - do you see a mirror image?
Do you see yourself, in her, 5 years back?
[b]Have you realised that you had become the position of 'S' when 'S' was 'S'?
Your hatred and disappointment in love has transformed you into the very hatred you abhorred.
What's callous in love could be gentle in the long run. Albeit, it may appear heartbreaking to call it off, but what's that compared to the insidious truth of you having the initial agenda of this love: to profit from this partnership in career-knowledge wise, sexually and every other thing in which might not have mentioned here? Yes, it's between two consented adults, but allows me to reveal my two cent below:
At her age, B probably just needs a man to settle with, regardless of the expectation she has for her mate (I assume she is about 32).
You don't have to - Man always has that luxury.
Now that you have readily admit you have no love for this woman and since you are not going to marry her (neither are you releasing her), are you going to retain her until you resolve your emotional insecurity? At the age of 32, how long do you intend to keep her?
I wonder if you realise that you will probably destroy her like how 'S' did to your emotional state - your sympathy has become a facade for cruelty.
Cheers [/b]
Cheers -
Did i mistakenly remember TS already break up with B or not?
Then, TS , do you still wan to be with S or you prefer single again ?
My suggestion is that now is the best time to be alone again and review or recall back what's the starting cause for r/s with B and still have feelings to S..
Time will tell,
Your mind will be clearer and more in peace when you not attached to anyone yet before the decision you're making might cause another grief to others..
I believe its not the matter of growing up or not..
Maybe we all forget what we are.. Humans.. We are not programmed to do anything based on logic or rationals all the time cuz we simply have emotions. Thats why we always make mistake..it is that we shud never repeat the same mistake again..
But TS , at least u realised ur r/s with B, its good that you broke up with her earlier as u said she might have noticed that.. it would be better whn she realised that..
I think this thread can be closed, just let TS decide whats rite?
TS is older than most of us here i believe.. and i also believe his analytical skill bout his own problem will help himself..
We just need to give some morale support to him, not to sarcasm him
Why need to give him more headache ? -
= = whats that supposed to mean ? Are you jumping into conlusion that he's the only one who has the right to dump any gal but the gal dont have the right ?Originally posted by browniebaobao:so?
[color=red]do u think only u have the right to initiate a break up?
in r/s, it's either u or the other party initiate a break.. or silent break. [/color] -
thx mateOriginally posted by Zarks:Did i mistakenly remember TS already break up with B or not?
Then, TS , do you still wan to be with S or you prefer single again ?
My suggestion is that now is the best time to be alone again and review or recall back what's the starting cause for r/s with B and still have feelings to S..
Time will tell,
Your mind will be clearer and more in peace when you not attached to anyone yet before the decision you're making might cause another grief to others..
I believe its not the matter of growing up or not..
Maybe we all forget what we are.. Humans.. We are not programmed to do anything based on logic or rationals all the time cuz we simply have emotions. Thats why we always make mistake..it is that we shud never repeat the same mistake again..
But TS , at least u realised ur r/s with B, its good that you broke up with her earlier as u said she might have noticed that.. it would be better whn she realised that..
I think this thread can be closed, just let TS decide whats rite?
TS is older than most of us here i believe.. and i also believe his analytical skill bout his own problem will help himself..
We just need to give some morale support to him, not to sarcasm him
Why need to give him more headache ?
Cheers -
Scion, oh dear Scion.. Â…. YouÂ’re Machiavellian ainÂ’t you? From my analytical prognosis, you r not, I REPEAT NOT seeking any advice on your R/S at all!!! YouÂ’re confidant, and extremely succinct on how best to tread the path moving forward, re: S & B.
From your lengthy elaboration placing special emphasis in painstakingly describing the prowess of B and how well your present status matches up or perhaps suppress S, isn’t it obvious that everything only serves to levitate and heighten your own self worth and apparent status? What you’re probably trying to do (be it intentional or unknowingly) is to pen out your “self alleged accomplishments” into the forum and take a back seat, “enjoying” the responses (be it judgmental, condemnatory, encouraging or praise worthy) which only serves to rub and augment yr already HUGE male ego. Juz imagine that, from a jilted, unaccomplished GFN a few years ago, you have morphed into a distinguished professional with a penchant of twirling accomplished females around your little finger and whose forte is anything from hedge funds to entertainment!!! Wow, impressive isn’t it!!
Nevertheless, kudos must be given for your remarkable applications of quotes from the financial guru and theories from the Russian academic. Well let me guess your status… A hotshot novelist / journalist? An accomplished corporate warrior? Or perhaps even a distinguished academic yourself??? ….Nah!! Your profile betrays a “man on the street” that has recently climbed out of mere meritocracy…. And I bet you are gloating over that “self perceived great triumph” and grinning teeth to teeth right now as we are speaking!!! Well.. you are probably armed with a recently attained Masters or Doctorate degree too from the free flowing inputs of theoretical expressions….it really screams “I am fresh out of school ” Your “works” are genuinely significant and flows like sparkling water from the ice alpines, yet it lacks the profound subtlety and modesty to conceal an overbearing effort in reiterating your apparent success in life and conquers over women.
Do B a big favor would youÂ… Drop her like a smoldering piece of charcoal right now!!! (I believe thatÂ’s already in the cards before and without this entire forum thingy in the 1st place!!!) And I presume given your psychological mastery, it has already been done with tact and discreet. Its time for you to BMW with your newfound confidence, knowledge, status, pursuits blah, blah, blahÂ…..
S would always remain unblemished in your eyes, though she and you would never be together ever again. She was the one that truly touched your heart, yet she was also the one that awaken the dormant narcissism in you. Your dreadful alter-ego is unveiling itself to her bit by bit, yet her deliverance would come in the form that you yourself would NEVER be interested to recommence this past relationship and rekindle a lost love..
Pain is but a transient phase. Your once foolhardiness has taken a great toll in your self perception and confidence. Yet, you have reshaped your destiny and mapped a shimmering road for yourself. Touch your heart… Have you lost confidence in love??? I seriously doubt so….. hold back your horses, you’re not as bad as what you try to portray yourself to be and I sincerely believe the next serious “Alphabet” would be a blessed soul – that would only happen after you have achieved sufficiently to slow down your pace and smell the roses around!!!
Just as a parting short, lets discuss KarmaÂ….
**Quote**
“Karma is a very subjective thing. Instead of getting worried about negative karma being built in this lifetime, many people including myself
would prefer thinking of it as amortizing the positive karma from the past lifetime.”
**Unquote**
That is absolutely true!!! I have been a cursed narcissist bitch all my life with the solace that I have suffered as poor lass spanning my entire past lifeÂ… Perhaps we are people of the same kind, we feel alive when we are recognized for our superiority!!! Our blood burn in our veins and we can hardly wait!!!!!!!!! -
Been a while since I've read such a long and detailed post. Kind of refreshing.
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The old saying goes, "Once bitten, twice shy". It sounded to me you fit the bill perfectly.
To let yourself love without restrictions and then betrayed, the incident have no doubt left scars in you. Your self-protecting mechanism, a direct result of the break up and the bruise in your ego, suppressed your ability to love.
The many flings you had were merely your subconscious reaction to the first breakup- your belief that the breakup is due to the fact that you're inferior to her in terms of studies and career success.
B is merely another victim of that self-protecting mechanism. You already know what you should do. You seemed to have made up your mind. Execute it.
You are only delaying the inevitable- the relationship between you and B were built on superficial reasons and fuelled by your own ego and pride. That is, in your case, definitely the wrong ingredients for a relationsip.
Yet the self-protecting mechanism can only protect yourself from consequent harms, but not the initial. You have not gotten over S after all- you've adopted a form of escapism from her, weaving for yourself a tale of "nonchalant outlook towards life".
In the end, it is only your subconscious trying to convincing you that she's the past.
In fact, she has never left your life- you still live under the shadow of her actions.
Forget about B- she deserves someone who can love her fully.
And forget about S- break out of that self-protecting mechanism. Love is one of the most primitive feelings built into humans, and it is powerful. Learn to love yourself. Life is too short for you to be nonchalant about it. Only when you start cherishing yourself (and your ability to love), can you truly break out of that shadow.
Good luck- Life is too short to be not taken seriously. -
Crap.
I only just realised this thread was made almost two months ago.
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/me pat pat.Originally posted by binarynwitz:Crap.
I only just realised this thread was made almost two months ago. 
Cheers