are we headed for the rocks?
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Originally posted by kennyrogers:The story:
both of us are working adults and about 27yo this year, we have been together for almost 2 years. she is working in a 9-5job while i am working in a shiftjob. On top of that, i have recently started my parttime studies in my masters. hence sucking up whatever time i have left, on top of my shiftwork which is already demanding like hell.
typically im busy with classes, assignments, projects,shift work and i try to juggle time with family, my friends and not forgetting, my gf.
especially during busy periods, where we cant meetup for almost a week or two on ends.
recently, she has told me that she "hardly ever sees me", and that she is very envious of friends whom are either married or are able to meetup with their beaus many times per week. its like, theres nothing i can do about this situation! i know she is needy but still, i have responsibilities to carry out.
i wont be done till at least 3more years, in which i still intend to stick with my current job which pays well but is shiftbased but im not sure if she can take this..
Was this RS ever a good idea to begin with?
You can't say that it wasn't a good idea to begin with; relationship begins on a probability-thingy. Even the most calculated chase is but still a trial. Therefore it's either sunshine after the rain on your end or death from drowning way before you could catch a glimpse of the sun's ray.
Your woman is insecure and she has constant craving for attention and concern. Most women would suffer various degrees of such issues because in the alien world of emotions, nothing logical stay rational for long. You could say she's being needy, but different woman indeed have different needs (Esp if she's a Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces). Even if she's being needy, it's still an emotional need.
A need cannot remain unsatisfied for long - it turns into frustration.
You understood her background and perhaps that would shed some light on her definition and perception of love. Her previous act of infidelity suggested not just her emotional restlessness, but more important, her inner conditions and how it developed over the years.
Chances are, those unfortunate scenarios in the past might just be due to the similar sort of neglect-influence, subtly creating a push factor in seeking to fill her void from other sources. Of course, it doesn't help very much if she isn't evolved because her experience will spoilt her greatly, inflicting a very deluded taste of what's love outside her relationship.
A pretty girl who has no lack of attention from others, ironically, suffering the lack of attention from her boyfriend?
Paradox.
*** I cannot say that you are wrong because your higher education is an honourable goal to work for. And you are also politically correct to say that your love should support whatever healthy dreams you pursue because it might part of your self actualization.
But self actualization and all that abstract, logical theory is mutually exclusive.
Love do not perceive any of that unless your partner is evolved.
To keep it simple and short, I won't go length on my thesis on Individualism and Mutual Commitment, but I can tell you that time and the right circumstance plays a critical role in making certain relationship work. Certain relationships.
Have you ever consider that if you had not pursue your Master degree, your relationship might not heed to the rock as you had felt? Yes, it might be an urban truth that if she cannot handle this right now, there's no way she's going to handle the responsibility of marriage. But allow me to share another point of view for your consideration. Just something different.
I will reframe the context a little: supposedly you end your relationship with her and eventually after your Masters, you found another woman and end up marrying her. The reason for marriage might not be because you have found 'The One', but chances are, it is because she popped out at the right moment when you are in better position for love to blossom further.
Putting her into the shoes of your current girlfriend, there's no guarantee that she could also survive that as well because you can't never gauge in that sense.
I can quote you a similar scenario: couple/s having dilemma of one having to study overseas and transforming their relationship into LDR. The exact same essence of problem existed merely in different packaging.
Everything is a sacrifice. If you have to sacrifice part of your mutual commitment for your individual pursuit in life, then naturally it will cannibalise into your relationship. And that's no right or wrong in both perceptions - it's a matter of choice - the choice to pick her as your partner and your choice to steer your relationship into.
Sometimes, the direction we steer bring us to the rock, even if we never wish to heed toward one.
P.S: The theory of distance is often not physical by nature - more often than not, it refers to the absence of emotional presence.
Cheers -
Yunhaier,
What TS has is a woman who is involved in self-centered love .
What TS needs now and in the future is one who has an all encompassing love for him.
Self-centered lover does not need an ambitious man.
She is one who needs immediate gratification.
Encompassing lover wants an ambitious man, her gratification is gleaned from his eventual success.
Summary for TS's agony.
The wrong woman for the wrong man, at the wrong time. -
"The wrong timing" but what if there is more of such situation in the future? Yes there is a conflicts of interest that lies in the relationship.
Why not, take this chance as a training ground for ur relationships and marriage.There could be plenty of such stimulation exercise in the future lor.
When both parties can see perspective of their partners and grow to a mutual understanding, the relationship could transcended to another level.
Speaking of there, i guess it isn't easy but i hope Ts is having a better and objective perspective at the entire situation..
Nevertheless, I still feel there is hope in the relationship.. -
Don't be too disheartened. Women will always want "more time" with their man. She might actually be saying that you don't spend enough "quality time" together due to your commitments. The key word here is "quality", maybe it's not about the frequency but the quality. She could be implying that u've been very preoccupied lately and wants you to focus on her when you're with her.. sometimes we don't realise it, but when we have too many things on our mind, we act differently around people. We women are particularly sensitive to those changes in behaviour, and often worry that it's "our fault".
Unless something has changed, like in her attitude towards you, or either of your priorities for example, don't see a reason why you can't carry on as long as you're positive about it, and don't let your commitments eat into the quality of your "together" time.
About the infidelity part someone mentioned.. some women do resort to that to obtain what they cannot get from their current relationship. eg, if she keeps a "cuddle buddy", it means she's not getting enough physical affection in her current relationship. But she came back to you, so there's hope yet.
Find out what is missing. Have an honest, anger-free talk with her.. I somehow get the feeling she's aching to tell you things but can't find the right moment. -
we can only give you advices but the decision is up to you.
maybe now is a good time to let things cool down. since exam is round the corner and you need to prepare, why not have a heart to heart talk with her. tell her your problems, if things did not turn around and both of you need time.
Let this r/s put on a test - a cooling period test. During this period, she can do whatever things she like and you, concentrate on your exam.
If after the exam, both of you feel that this r/s cannot move on, part off mutually.
I have a friend who because of a girl gave up his Master degree. Now he regret for doing so. The girl did not work out with him either.
Well i do not want to see you feeling the same way as him.
Cheers!
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Cowardly? That's manly courage in the face of difficulties.Originally posted by kennyrogers:
dear all,
thank you for all your inputs. it has been good to read all your views and replies.
what i will be doing is that i am adopting the "My studies" is priority approach, while i still will attempt to maintain this RS, if the time comes where she starts to complain and kick up a big fuss over my.... absence, im afraid it will drive me to pull the plug.
She has no lack of suitors i must say, pretty, great complexion, male colleagues giving her "extra" attention, etc etc
If she is unable to understand my stress, as one of your replies have made, and throws her tantrum again and starts comparing non-stop and pinpointing why i am not there and never have time for her.... although cruel, but i will just let her go.
Its hard. i am already struggling to find time to juggle between my studies, work and family, friends. even my "personal time" i have to shuffle it together with my "work" and "studies". does she not understand how tough it is? her complaining isnt gonna help at all! It just adds on the stress level!
To girls: Sometimes all a man wants is someone whom understands what he is going though. Nothing more. He doesnt need your 24/7 attention. He doesnt need gifts or treats. He doesnt need you to give up your social life. All he wants is the understanding as to the reason behind certain actions he undertakes.
I have an assignment to write. Exams are around the corner.
It has not been easy.
I will not give up my work or studies.
I will still attempt to invest whatever time left i have into this RS.
BUT
If she throws her tantrum again...
if she starts behaving princessy and complains non-stop about me and how other people get to meet their bfs ever so often...
if she continues to blame me for her source of unhappiness...
if i see that she has nothing but suffering with me...
Then i will just return her the couple ring i bought for the both of us.
A ring that we both wear, and each of our rings have "Kenny & Christine" on it.
No, i am not ashamed to put this up, silently i am hoping she will read this, or maybe a friend will tell her, i do not care.
a simple ring, but one that meant our promise to each other.
A Promise.
The note will write:
"Dear Christine,
I am sorry to have caused you so much sufferring. So much pain. So much Envy. So much tears. I cannot bear to see you suffer with me any longer.
In life, there will be trials and tribulations that either make or break us.
Now, in this envelope, is the ring that i held so dearly.
Here lies a decision to be made, one that will change both your and my life.
Take your time to decide whether you would still want me to be the man whom wears this ring.
If you have had enough, i will understand and respect your decision.
As always, i pray for happiness and your wellbeing in whatever you undertake in life.
Amen.
"Cowardly? maybe. maybe love is about letting go...
You strive to be a better person with your work and studies, and whatever little time you have, you want to invest in the r/s.
You seek her understanding on why you have little time for her.
You are prepared to let her go, if that's something she cannot understand or accept now.
With your maturity, you can get a better gf if she ever goes. No doubt about that. -
I dont intend to ask for anything. What i instead intend to do is to give her my ring.Originally posted by jojobeach:Kenny,
You got it right.
When a couple vow to go through thick and thin.
It's enduring together what life throws at you.
Not thick and thin either constantly shoves down each other's throat.
Many are confused by this notion, of thick and thin.
If you want to be a gentleman about the break up, don't ask anything back from her. Including the ring.
What i had always wanted, was just her Love.
The significance of this ring was the Promise. By instead giving her my part of the ring, i seek to undo this and somehow come to a closure, for her. For me.
and that If one day she decides i still am the suitable one to wear the other half of the ring, that she still is welcomed back within my embrace. -
Originally posted by jojobeach:The wrong woman for the wrong man, at the wrong time.
Life boils down to such simplicity sometimes doesnt it ?
Dear all,
I appreciate all the comments and inputs from all angles. From so many of you from all walks of life, I have gleaned much. From all your experiences combined. Thank you all. -
Men who think like you are hard to come by nowadays.Originally posted by kennyrogers:I dont intend to ask for anything. What i instead intend to do is to give her my ring.
What i had always wanted, was just her Love.
The significance of this ring was the Promise. By instead giving her my part of the ring, i seek to undo this and somehow come to a closure, for her. For me.
and that If one day she decides i still am the suitable one to wear the other half of the ring, that she still is welcomed back within my embrace.
If your gf give up this relationship. She's not very smart and she's gonna regret it.
Honestly, I bet she knows, she not gonna get anyone better even if she wants to.
Anyway, keep up the spirits. All the best.