are we headed for the rocks?
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There was once we had an arguement over some priorities in her life...Originally posted by Deportivo:
She would rebutt : "I'm not teaching you to live your life, why are you trying to teach me to live mine?"
Me: "being in a RS doesnt mean i will sit here and do nothing and adopt a 'your-end-of-the-boat-is-sinking-and-its-not-my-probmem' kind of mentality, of course i would want to input and advice, but whether you follow or not, is up to you!" -
to be fair, can you explain examples of your MCP behaviours?
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MCP ? are you replying to the wrong thread? such as this:Originally posted by Deportivo:to be fair, can you explain examples of your MCP behaviours?
http://www.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=280828 -
Hi. I think I can relate your present situation. Personally I do not know you well but based on what you mentioned above, maybe I can roughly gauge your profile.Originally posted by kennyrogers:The story:
both of us are working adults and about 27yo this year, we have been together for almost 2 years. she is working in a 9-5job while i am working in a shiftjob. On top of that, i have recently started my parttime studies in my masters. hence sucking up whatever time i have left, on top of my shiftwork which is already demanding like hell.
typically im busy with classes, assignments, projects,shift work and i try to juggle time with family, my friends and not forgetting, my gf.
especially during busy periods, where we cant meetup for almost a week or two on ends.
recently, she has told me that she "hardly ever sees me", and that she is very envious of friends whom are either married or are able to meetup with their beaus many times per week. its like, theres nothing i can do about this situation! i know she is needy but still, i have responsibilities to carry out.
i wont be done till at least 3more years, in which i still intend to stick with my current job which pays well but is shiftbased but im not sure if she can take this..
Was this RS ever a good idea to begin with?
If you are doing shift work, most probably you are in a semi-con manufacturing environment as clean room run 24-hours shift. That makes you an engineer and I can see the reason for doing a masters is very strong because in your environment, most of them if not are masters or PhD.
This also leads me to deduce that doing your masters is not any normal masters but Masters in Engineering as it requires a lot of project based research. It saps away a lot of your time as I have friends who are struggling with theirs on a part time basis. Put it this way, if you have people doing full time masters in engineering and completing it in 2 years, what of those that need 3 years on a part time basis?
I guess the important thing is your gf fails to understand the importance of you getting the masters and progressing in your career in that field/industry.
For me, I am also an engineer by training. However, after I broke off with my ex, I started to embark on an accounting qualification (which is a career switch). I was doing it part time while working as an engineer. I also broke off around the time between 26-27. That time my ex was the same age as me....similar to your current situation.
Frankly speaking, I can understand both you and your gf predicament. That time my ex wanted security and assurance.....for me I feel I am too young to settle down....as I feel that my career has not been stabalised.....
For your case, I am not encouraging you to break off or anything but as a guy, I feel that a career should be more important and it precedes most things.....so it is up to you to discern your current situation. If you feel she is unsupportive or being cynical, I suggest you guys cool things off for a while.....if you feel that she has no lack of suitors, then let her go and concentrate on what is important to you at stake which is your career.
Even if you are 30-32, after completing your masters and establishing your career, you will not have a problem getting another one.......just feel that your present one will not be the one with you for the rest of your life because in the first place, she cannot understand your current situation to upgrade and do well and she does not have that responsibility to cos if she truly loves you, she will be supportive of you.......but I guess all humans are selfish by nature.
All your best in your pursuit of your own happiness..... -
Originally posted by kennyrogers:
Ah yes, there is more than meets the eye.
I somehow agree with what you said. But there is a nagging doubt that somehow she will stray like she did before in all her previous RSes.
Stray as in, that at times when she finds the current RS boring, she has went out and looked for flings and even two-timed her previous male-partners.
Although we have been together for such a period, there were moments previously where i accidentally chanced upon 'evidences'.
In one instance, when she was at the bathroom, her phone recieved a message. As we were out to meet a couple of mutual friends that day, I thought it was from them hence clicked open to view this message..
Little did i expect to see a message from her ex-bf that he desperately wants to meet her and he [b]also misses her.
This alarmed me. "Also" ?. hence i went to check her sent message inbox and found a few incriminating evidence...
That she also missed him but wont want to get back with him for the hurt he has caused him. That although she misses him alot, she is afraid that she wouldnt want to let him(the ex) go.
This set a few alarm bells ringing in my head, especially with a girl whom have had a list of previous unfaithful acts on her part.
Once she was done, i casually and randomly asked if her ex was still in contact with her. taking note to make it seem like a random remark. without batting an eye-lid, "No, we havent been in contact for ages."
This sparked off an arguement that blew off into mega proportions a while back. Her friends sided with her and claimed that i did the bigger wrong. While my friends assured me that she was in the bigger wrong. But i wasnt interested in who was wrong. I was interested in "Why" she did this to me?
that issue somehow died down into a peaceful silence and along the way we got back together again....
along the 2 years, there were a few instances that i caught her lying to me... even though classified as a "white lie" by her, i didnt feel that way.
For instance, when i expressed my displeasure of her going to a wedding dinner of a mutual friend between her ex-ex-bf (her ex-ex-bf was somesort like a family friend and that she wasnt ready to let him fade off into her past,instead making due care to keep in contact somehow) and her alone, she assured me that she wont be going because she agrees that since he is not her bf, why doesnt he ask another friend along.
BUT. a friend of mine caught them at the wedding. Together, sitting beside each other and taking intimate photos such as "her leaning on his shoulder" , "him holding her at the waist". I proceeded to disagree with my friend claiming they saw wrongly, BUT, a mms proved everything wrong.
how can i grow to trust her when in the beginning she has already broken my trust many times?
Can i trust that she will want to stick with me through thick or thin?
Can i trust her from what she has already done, and what she has mentioned to me about in her history of RSes?
Can i simply Trust her?[/b]
What she mentioned to you about her past history should not be used against her.
What is important is what she has done in THIS current relationship.
Apparently, she has not let her past go.
Are you her rebound ? Seems like it.
I can see why you are unwilling to make it a life time commitment with her.
She has after all, broken the trust you have with her.
Her little white lies, supposedly to protect her dignity , has caused damage to yours.
This trust issue must be resolved before anything can go on.
Living with this lack of trust is like living in hell with someone you love.
My suggestion is to let nature takes it course, let time be the test of her love to you.
If she stays, she has proven her loyalty.
If she goes, both of you have gained something.
For her, freedom, for yourself, the truth.
Focus on your masters, for in the end, you answer to your own destiny. -
a successful man needs an understanding gal beside him.
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i feel your pain..
A gal who lied and do something stupid behind you is not a gal for your future....
If i were you, i wont feel safe.. if my gf lies to me, then its already problem..
I dont understand why she needs to lie.. to cover up some stories or what?
Honestly, i dun wan to be together with some1 whom i dun feel like trusting her... its torturing to know the gal beside you is your gf but u hardly can trust her for what she had done..
time will tell one day. for now, i suggest you just focus your career.. gf can find anytime -
If some1 broke my trust,, its hard for me to even talk to that person, not to say my gf.. the more breaking my trust , the more i'll become a stranger to her..
Let time tells.. u will know the truth..
God has its own way to tell, just be alert -
Neh it isn't heading for the rocks but perhaps, it is time to dock back, and reflect.
Ur gf seems like a needy person.
So do u want to live with a person like her?
I guess u love her means u shld be able to tahan her needy side.
Other than all this rationalism, You gonna look inside yourself about your feelings for her and her feeling for you.
Ok.. then try to communicate with her again.
cheers~ -
If you cannot trust her then why drag it on?
You know that she will never be your wife cos you do not trust her.
master is forever but this girl seems to be only a small part in your life.... -
wad a gal
time reveals all things
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Maybe u should have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her whatever u have typed in here(how u are working shift, studying for ur masters while she is 9-5 etc) and let her understand it, because when she says she is envious of other people, I doubt she really understand just why u are not meeting up with her so often.
From time-to-time, maybe u can sms her? Things such as "I miss u" may do wonders. Try 2 maybe go out with her on Sat nights or Sunday afternoons too, whenever u are free. But if she still don't understand, then maybe this love u 2 have ain't that strong.
As to regards what u have found in her hp, I suggest u not confront her about the sms'es. This is because she can turn around and accuse u of not trusting her by looking at her sms'es and "invading her privacy". You have mentioned about her having flings and two-timing. Its natural for u 2 feel worry she may do the same thing to u. But l always believe in trust in a relationship, and once that is gone, then maybe nothing else matters anymore. Its a no-win situtation for u. Confront her about this, and risking losing everything u have with her, or not confronting her and there's a possiblity she will cheat on u. Its all up to u really as to what u wanna do. -
kennyrogers, I find it hard pressed that a problem like the one confronting your relationship could actually consume a relationship as extensively as yours between two adults at your age.
I'm by no means trying to trivialise your problems. Rather, I think insecurity is a massive problem in your relationship and that, above all else, could very well prove the undoing of your relationship. It is also no coincidence that, through reading your post, I realise how fortunate I am that I have never been in any sort of a relationship with a deeply insecure woman.
To put things in perspective, a true romance should pretty much be dictated by how much both parties are willing to give, rather than wanting to receive. Insecurity consuming a person is often a terrible anomaly others can do very little about. While the tolerance threshold for insecurity may very much vary from person to person, it goes without saying once an individual's prescribed threshold has been exceeded (which is obviously the case in yours), questions and doubts with regard to the insecure person's commitment would inevitably surface. When things descend to such a pathetic state, I'm not sure if you could actually have any sort of reasonable quality relationship - which is exponentially compounded when you consider a marriage is a relationship for a lifetime - with your mate. In essence, it's high time you evaluated the status quo and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life, rather than pinning your hopes on some miraculous elixir to fix your mate's insecurity in time to come.
While I concur with jojobeach's assertion that women are, by and large, insecure creatures, I wouldn't go so far as to make a case for putting up with certain forms of insecurity which are exhaustively uncalled for and overboard. It's perfectly fine that your woman may need you to validate her self-worth from time to time. However, I'm not so sure if you'd still want to be in a relationship with a woman who resorts to seeking other guys' company when she feels lonely and perpetually draws excessive comparisons between how her friends' beaus are treating them and how you're treating her. I don't think it's an exaggeration that confident folks would hardly ever fall remotely close into this category to begin with - if anything, on closer scrutiny, you may very well realise those who are insecure are the ones who can't seem to accept their lot in life and are eternally - and unjustly - worrying about all and sundry which serves little purpose besides unsettling those around them (which you obviously find yourself a victim to).
In your case, I wouldn't so much fault your girlfriend(not that she's blameless of course!) for causing the woes currently afflicting you for you must have known her to be insecure from the outset. If anything, it's high time you woke up to the realization of you having committed the cardinal sin of wooing someone whose levels of insecurity far exceed your tolerable threshold and decide if you can see a future with such a person. After all, the worst thing you could do now is carry on with the present in the hope that something will change for the better in the future because a blissful marriage isn't exactly something you want to live in hope for. -
Ask how your peers handle their relationships.
Shift work really screws things up and it takes extra effort just to get some quality time together.
Doesn't mean you should just give up altogether.
Unless she keeps complaining about your shift work / wanting you to change job etc... that could be a problem...
Also, mutual trust between 2 is important. You might want to have a long talk with her, try not to flare things up though. 2-way Communication is key. -
Base on what you have posted, the impression she gave me was someone who would not be able to weather the storm with you.Originally posted by kennyrogers:The story:
both of us are working adults and about 27yo this year, we have been together for almost 2 years. she is working in a 9-5job while i am working in a shiftjob. On top of that, i have recently started my parttime studies in my masters. hence sucking up whatever time i have left, on top of my shiftwork which is already demanding like hell.
typically im busy with classes, assignments, projects,shift work and i try to juggle time with family, my friends and not forgetting, my gf.
especially during busy periods, where we cant meetup for almost a week or two on ends.
recently, she has told me that she "hardly ever sees me", and that she is very envious of friends whom are either married or are able to meetup with their beaus many times per week. its like, theres nothing i can do about this situation! i know she is needy but still, i have responsibilities to carry out.
i wont be done till at least 3more years, in which i still intend to stick with my current job which pays well but is shiftbased but im not sure if she can take this..
Was this RS ever a good idea to begin with? -
Oh, not a matter at all, we gals just love to mumble and envy others, but deep in our heart, we love our loveone dearly. Gals just like to compare and guys just love to compute.
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wow. thx fer ur godly speech.Originally posted by angel7030:Oh, not a matter at all, we gals just love to mumble and envy others, but deep in our heart, we love our loveone dearly. Gals just like to compare and guys just love to compute. -
angle 7030, don't talk better. only know how to talk rubbish.Originally posted by angel7030:Oh, not a matter at all, we gals just love to mumble and envy others, but deep in our heart, we love our loveone dearly. Gals just like to compare and guys just love to compute. -
To me, she should be more understanding and feel the 'stress' that you are going through.
Its because your time are fully utilize while hers, sorry to say, she is too free. And when she is too free, all these "you have no time for me" or "why other people bf can be with them, while mine no" kick in.
Ok, I am a gal. TLC still are necessary.
If the problems are spell out in the beginning before your Master degree, I don't see the problem.
She is too free.....
I am not suggesting you to break up with her but maybe you can let things cool down a while.
A man should put his career first and behind a success man, you will find his supportive woman..... -
A relationship is not easy to build up and maintain especially for one that has lasted for at least several years. It is a pity sometimes to see a relationship gone because neither parties want to make a compromise or have a heart-to-heart discussion.
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Yeh compromise..Originally posted by Ms Poh:A relationship is not easy to build up and maintain especially for one that has lasted for at least several years. It is a pity sometimes to see a relationship gone because neither parties want to make a compromise or have a heart-to-heart discussion.
Communications and understanding are required from both side.
Good luck.. -
dear all,
thank you for all your inputs. it has been good to read all your views and replies.
what i will be doing is that i am adopting the "My studies" is priority approach, while i still will attempt to maintain this RS, if the time comes where she starts to complain and kick up a big fuss over my.... absence, im afraid it will drive me to pull the plug.
She has no lack of suitors i must say, pretty, great complexion, male colleagues giving her "extra" attention, etc etc
If she is unable to understand my stress, as one of your replies have made, and throws her tantrum again and starts comparing non-stop and pinpointing why i am not there and never have time for her.... although cruel, but i will just let her go.
Its hard. i am already struggling to find time to juggle between my studies, work and family, friends. even my "personal time" i have to shuffle it together with my "work" and "studies". does she not understand how tough it is? her complaining isnt gonna help at all! It just adds on the stress level!
To girls: Sometimes all a man wants is someone whom understands what he is going though. Nothing more. He doesnt need your 24/7 attention. He doesnt need gifts or treats. He doesnt need you to give up your social life. All he wants is the understanding as to the reason behind certain actions he undertakes.
I have an assignment to write. Exams are around the corner.
It has not been easy.
I will not give up my work or studies.
I will still attempt to invest whatever time left i have into this RS.
BUT
If she throws her tantrum again...
if she starts behaving princessy and complains non-stop about me and how other people get to meet their bfs ever so often...
if she continues to blame me for her source of unhappiness...
if i see that she has nothing but suffering with me...
Then i will just return her the couple ring i bought for the both of us.
A ring that we both wear, and each of our rings have "Kenny & Christine" on it.
No, i am not ashamed to put this up, silently i am hoping she will read this, or maybe a friend will tell her, i do not care.
a simple ring, but one that meant our promise to each other.
A Promise.
The note will write:
"Dear Christine,
I am sorry to have caused you so much sufferring. So much pain. So much Envy. So much tears. I cannot bear to see you suffer with me any longer.
In life, there will be trials and tribulations that either make or break us.
Now, in this envelope, is the ring that i held so dearly.
Here lies a decision to be made, one that will change both your and my life.
Take your time to decide whether you would still want me to be the man whom wears this ring.
If you have had enough, i will understand and respect your decision.
As always, i pray for happiness and your wellbeing in whatever you undertake in life.
Amen.
"
Cowardly? maybe. maybe love is about letting go... -
Love is about letting go..
TS, u r quite mature and realistic..
and the problem is that ur gf is immature...
I still feel there is hope for this r/s..
Hope ur gf can grow through this r/s, isn't that what love can do too? -
good luck dude
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Kenny,
You got it right.
When a couple vow to go through thick and thin.
It's enduring together what life throws at you.
Not thick and thin either constantly shoves down each other's throat.
Many are confused by this notion, of thick and thin.
If you want to be a gentleman about the break up, don't ask anything back from her. Including the ring.