feel troubled
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i'm having pro with bf of 2 years. recently there seem to be some pros with my bf.
i somehow feel that his love for me is not as strong as before and this make me feel very uncomfortable. hence i ask him about it. he didn't directly tell me that he doesn't love me as much as b4 and he said that he is a bit sick of being attached after so many thing that happened. (in 2002 we had broke up and patched back again for 3 times and the first 2 was initiated by me )
now our siutation is that we are still together but we don't seem to be like lovers.
the only solution i know was to break up but both of us can't bear to let go and we knew that we will regret somedays. i don't know what to do and i know i shouldn't wait for something to happen b4 it too late. so now i wanted to save this relatioship b4 it really gone and i really cherish this relationship. so pple can ur advice me what should i do in order to save the relationship?
thanks in advance -
dn be sad....perhaps......tink and find back ur happy times together.....?
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what was the reasons for breaking up twice which you initiated...
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Dear Nicole,Originally posted by nicoleger:i'm having pro with bf of 2 years. recently there seem to be some pros with my bf.
i somehow feel that his love for me is not as strong as before and this make me feel very uncomfortable. hence i ask him about it. he didn't directly tell me that he doesn't love me as much as b4 and he said that he is a bit sick of being attached after so many thing that happened. (in 2002 we had broke up and patched back again for 3 times and the first 2 was initiated by me )
now our siutation is that we are still together but we don't seem to be like lovers.
the only solution i know was to break up but both of us can't bear to let go and we knew that we will regret somedays. i don't know what to do and i know i shouldn't wait for something to happen b4 it too late. so now i wanted to save this relatioship b4 it really gone and i really cherish this relationship. so pple can ur advice me what should i do in order to save the relationship?
thanks in advance
When things are happening in a relation, 85% of people don't or couldn't analysis whats wrong with the present problem, because they are the main actor/actress involved in the 'play'. Audience always knows better when watching drama, about who is the mistress, which ass rape xiao long nui, etc. (The condor heroes wan ar, not this forum wan - lol)
So what am I getting at?
There is no smoke without fire. Everything happens for a REASON. Firstly, you said this is a 2 years relation and within this relation you broke 3 times, 2 times you initiated it. Like I always tell people when counselling them outside here, NEVER use the word 'BREAK' just to solve an existing problem because thats the start of your eventual fall in the relation. Why? Sorry but to say, it is the most inefficient, most lazy, the most unproductive & undeveloping way to pave for your relation. Look at this cycle below
Beginning of Problems > Problems exists and lingers > *not enough effort in both party trying to solve problem* > sudden break > regret > patch > BUT, problem still there! People always think patch liao, everything is cleared, such a big and huge mistake and error.
Ok, before any misunderstanding, let me example about the part of *not enough effort in both parties*. I can tell you lar, most problems can be solve if both parties make the effort and wants to save this relation, but if for the rare cases, then perhaps leaving him/her would be the best thing because there is already no reason why you should stay. Is that in your case? I doubt so. (correct me if i am wrong because you said alot of things happen, which means to me that alot of little small, serious but not fatal things happened adds up together that makes it seemed so alot. If there is something so fatal, you would have type it here or already made the decision to leave him and never to come back, unless you yourself WANTS to be held back)
You say he is being sick of being attached when alot of things happened. Remember the break-patch cycle? Relation is like climbing infinite steps up to somewhere - when you break, it's where the both of you stops at your own current step and have to come down. That represent the time for healing needed to take place. When you patch, you have to walk the steps again. Think about this, what is the feeling you will feel when this cycle repeats 3 times of walking up and down? TIRED.
You bf initiated the last time you patch and why not you again? Since last time, it has been you right? So you are hesitating, which means there is an consideration. Are you listening to your own wisdom or just blindly follow your overflowing emotions? He had ask for patch and you accept it, why? Did you actually think about what you want in this relation? Or it is... because the both of you are so used being together that when you walk your own separate path, you feel funny - This fear of venturing into the unknown alone.
Are you sure the relation you leading involved pure love and not out of habit?
Answer every single question I thrown without much thinking and you will know the answer you seek already, nobody needs to say anymore. You said you want to find a way that could solve this problem and you told yourself that the only way is to break - realise why? because this word 'break' is the way both of you solve your problem and when time pass (like now 2 years already), there is no way you could solve anything else, because the most critical way has already been used. Whats more critical then breaking in a relation?
I see that both of you are at the stage where you are unable to be lovers, but too good to be friends. So what if you have already gone for 2 years? its high time the both of you should take time to reflect and a decent break - because you both had never had a decent rest, long enough to reflect and think about what you both want instead of forcing a relation to go on - like a fatigue horse.
Prays -
wher's raw ?
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to Yunhaier, thanks for ur advice, it seem whatever u say make sense to me. there is no fatal mistake all are small small ones.
he always keep everything in his mind and i dunno what he is thinking at times, so even i want to solve i can't the key is with him he dun wan to unlock his pro w me
perhaps that is why we end up in this stage... but i really hate to break up to solve the pro, or is there any other solution we can look for?
thanks a lot pal -
I cant really suggest much here
Reason why the both of u r still together is as a matter of fact, still cherishing this r/ship yet at the same time, having this 'xin jie' - knots in the heart.
It takes 2 to clap....u may need the co-operation of ur BF to recognize the changes in the present r/ship by taking the initiatives to salvage situation.
A mirror tt's scratched can never be like bfe, remaining tt brand-new....same goes for ur r/ship. It takes a lot of polishing to be comparatively 'new' like bfe again....
Guess sub-consciously.....both of u know tt eventually, even after a break-up, both of u will still be patching back.....the 'freshness' isnt there anymore...thus to explain the 'staleness' in the r/ship.....
Try some new 'rubbing-in' to ur r/ship....sth New tt has never been done bfe to ur r/ship....Stimulate the r/ship once again.....get rid of the 'staleness' by stopping to remind urself of the past things tt happened to it. Juz treat it as a New r/ship (u need ur BF's help). Example, if both of u seldom go pinic, u may like to try it? like in Pretty Woman
Add some fresh ideas to the way this r/ship has remained for the past yrs......Give it a facelift but be moderate...dun try 'too hard' coz may backfire....... 
Nonetheless.....no harm trying & gd luck
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hi nico,Originally posted by nicoleger:to Yunhaier, thanks for ur advice, it seem whatever u say make sense to me. there is no fatal mistake all are small small ones.
he always keep everything in his mind and i dunno what he is thinking at times, so even i want to solve i can't the key is with him he dun wan to unlock his pro w me
perhaps that is why we end up in this stage... but i really hate to break up to solve the pro, or is there any other solution we can look for?
thanks a lot pal
well i am currently kindof in ur state now but juz tt the diff is tt i already broke off w/ him...
like wat u mention, broke n patch (but for mine this is the 2nd time) and for the 1st time, we didn't really realise what was the pro b/w the both of us...and similarly, my exbf was also some1 whom juz keep things to himself n dun wish to unlock to me...n as a result...i always thout things was fine and etc until trouble blew up n its too late 4 salvation....
i think like wat Yunhaier had said...y not give each other some time n space to reflect on each other flaws etc and make changes to it...if both of u still feel for each other (like wat me n my ex now) u would still keep in touch till the time when u really feel u r ready once again (but a better person who understd the other party) n perharps, u might also find out tt maybe he is not the 1 for u afterall??? i know its easier said then but sometimes things juz have to go tt way? put it tt way (although i also find it very hard to accept but its a TRUE fact) if he is meant to be urs, he will eventually...so y not let the both of u really think thru and reflect on urselves??? -
to reallieRAW
hmm i wish i can try that.. but dunno if he wants or not.. thanks for ur suggestion -
just an advice to all the girls out there, do not bloody hell anyhow happy happy iniciate "break up" this thing, coz to a guy, it'll affect his whole feelings towards u very seriously.Originally posted by nicoleger:i'm having pro with bf of 2 years. recently there seem to be some pros with my bf.
i somehow feel that his love for me is not as strong as before and this make me feel very uncomfortable. hence i ask him about it. he didn't directly tell me that he doesn't love me as much as b4 and he said that he is a bit sick of being attached after so many thing that happened. (in 2002 we had broke up and patched back again for 3 times and the first 2 was initiated by me )
now our siutation is that we are still together but we don't seem to be like lovers.
the only solution i know was to break up but both of us can't bear to let go and we knew that we will regret somedays. i don't know what to do and i know i shouldn't wait for something to happen b4 it too late. so now i wanted to save this relatioship b4 it really gone and i really cherish this relationship. so pple can ur advice me what should i do in order to save the relationship?
thanks in advance
So, anything happens, just cool down, most to most don tok for few days, but don ever iniciate a "break up", coz its a bad crack in the relation which will haunt for life... -
well said.... well said....Originally posted by Yunhaier:Dear Nicole,
When things are happening in a relation, 85% of people don't or couldn't analysis whats wrong with the present problem, because they are the main actor/actress involved in the 'play'. Audience always knows better when watching drama, about who is the mistress, which ass rape xiao long nui, etc. (The condor heroes wan ar, not this forum wan - lol)
So what am I getting at?
There is no smoke without fire. Everything happens for a REASON. Firstly, you said this is a 2 years relation and within this relation you broke 3 times, 2 times you initiated it. Like I always tell people when counselling them outside here, NEVER use the word 'BREAK' just to solve an existing problem because thats the start of your eventual fall in the relation. Why? Sorry but to say, it is the most inefficient, most lazy, the most unproductive & undeveloping way to pave for your relation. Look at this cycle below
Beginning of Problems > Problems exists and lingers > *not enough effort in both party trying to solve problem* > sudden break > regret > patch > BUT, problem still there! People always think patch liao, everything is cleared, such a big and huge mistake and error.
Ok, before any misunderstanding, let me example about the part of *not enough effort in both parties*. I can tell you lar, most problems can be solve if both parties make the effort and wants to save this relation, but if for the rare cases, then perhaps leaving him/her would be the best thing because there is already no reason why you should stay. Is that in your case? I doubt so. (correct me if i am wrong because you said alot of things happen, which means to me that alot of little small, serious but not fatal things happened adds up together that makes it seemed so alot. If there is something so fatal, you would have type it here or already made the decision to leave him and never to come back, unless you yourself WANTS to be held back)
You say he is being sick of being attached when alot of things happened. Remember the break-patch cycle? Relation is like climbing infinite steps up to somewhere - when you break, it's where the both of you stops at your own current step and have to come down. That represent the time for healing needed to take place. When you patch, you have to walk the steps again. Think about this, what is the feeling you will feel when this cycle repeats 3 times of walking up and down? TIRED.
You bf initiated the last time you patch and why not you again? Since last time, it has been you right? So you are hesitating, which means there is an consideration. Are you listening to your own wisdom or just blindly follow your overflowing emotions? He had ask for patch and you accept it, why? Did you actually think about what you want in this relation? Or it is... because the both of you are so used being together that when you walk your own separate path, you feel funny - This fear of venturing into the unknown alone.
Are you sure the relation you leading involved pure love and not out of habit?
Answer every single question I thrown without much thinking and you will know the answer you seek already, nobody needs to say anymore. You said you want to find a way that could solve this problem and you told yourself that the only way is to break - realise why? because this word 'break' is the way both of you solve your problem and when time pass (like now 2 years already), there is no way you could solve anything else, because the most critical way has already been used. Whats more critical then breaking in a relation?
I see that both of you are at the stage where you are unable to be lovers, but too good to be friends. So what if you have already gone for 2 years? its high time the both of you should take time to reflect and a decent break - because you both had never had a decent rest, long enough to reflect and think about what you both want instead of forcing a relation to go on - like a fatigue horse.
Prays
this is what i'm thinking all the while but dono how to tell people...
/me kou tou to shi fu... hehe -
sometimes to guys, not they don wanna unlock their problems, is scare unlock liao the other party "misunderstand" and make it worst... so its better to be un-done... *thats what guys think lah*Originally posted by nicoleger:to Yunhaier, thanks for ur advice, it seem whatever u say make sense to me. there is no fatal mistake all are small small ones.
he always keep everything in his mind and i dunno what he is thinking at times, so even i want to solve i can't the key is with him he dun wan to unlock his pro w me
perhaps that is why we end up in this stage... but i really hate to break up to solve the pro, or is there any other solution we can look for?
thanks a lot pal -
u know for some really really weird reason none of my relationships ever "patched back" after a break-up. and i've had a number of them too..
most of the time if both sides really wanna break up, u'll just be trying too hard to get very little by patching back... it's like the path of least resistance becos breaking up would change our whole life pattern and wat we've grown accustom to. it's this change we fear that's why we hang on for a few more months... or even just weeks b4 problems start to arise again.. wat's the point?
i assume u are still young? time heals nicole... it really does. and the young part comes in becos u have time to not only heal, but to meet someone who u can love and is compatible to. i believe, loosely speaking, these are the two main things that form a strong relationship.
good luck with it all! -
its true that sometimes guys dun wanna unlock their probs coz they scared their gf will misunderstood....Originally posted by TZR:sometimes to guys, not they don wanna unlock their problems, is scare unlock liao the other party "misunderstand" and make it worst... so its better to be un-done... *thats what guys think lah*
However, we gals wanna noe wat our bfs r thinking oso mah...
we dun wanna spend time thinking or assuming what he is thinkin...
its beri TIRING as well.
I feel that its better for both party to open up themselves n share.
usually gals can accpt it if u tell them nicely....
this will help to maintain a smooth relationship oso -
Actually sometimes guys oso anyhow initate break up to gals n asked for patch back... i experienced it b4Originally posted by TZR:just an advice to all the girls out there, do not bloody hell anyhow happy happy iniciate "break up" this thing, coz to a guy, it'll affect his whole feelings towards u very seriously.
So, anything happens, just cool down, most to most don tok for few days, but don ever iniciate a "break up", coz its a bad crack in the relation which will haunt for life...
Hence its not only gals do dat........both parties need to be extra careful of the words they use....if not ...the consequences will be too much to bear...yar ? -
Then I am your xiao shifu because I am still a junior member! LOLOriginally posted by TZR:well said.... well said....
this is what i'm thinking all the while but dono how to tell people...
/me kou tou to shi fu... hehe -
i agree but some guys are just too stubborn liao thinking that by keeping quiet or tolerate for a while, everything will be ok and of course the other party feels that all is alright. but who knows, all these small things were accumulated and it become a big big pro, by then it will be fatal. in the end he unhappy and the poor gal felt he was unhappy and dunno what had happened...Originally posted by FoRsAkEn:its true that sometimes guys dun wanna unlock their probs coz they scared their gf will misunderstood....
However, we gals wanna noe wat our bfs r thinking oso mah...
we dun wanna spend time thinking or assuming what he is thinkin...
its beri TIRING as well.
I feel that its better for both party to open up themselves n share.
usually gals can accept it if u tell them nicely....
this will help to maintain a smooth relationship oso
for god sake pple just open up and share ur pro w ur other half, dun everything keep in ur mind if not it will be way way too late.... dun be like us... -
I should keep this short, since I have been posting essay through this forum.Originally posted by nicoleger:i agree but some guys are just too stubborn liao thinking that by keeping quiet or tolerate for a while, everything will be ok and of course the other party feels that all is alright. but who knows, all these small things were accumulated and it become a big big pro, by then it will be fatal. in the end he unhappy and the poor gal felt he was unhappy and dunno what had happened...
for god sake pple just open up and share ur pro w ur other half, dun everything keep in ur mind if not it will be way way too late.... dun be like us... 
You boyfriend doesn't know what he wants - which contribute to your situation now. For suggested ways to handle this, refer to my post above. Anyway, the lesson is to be learn and NEVER repeat again in future relations. You always gain something from a past relation - good memories, lessons, or both.
Cheers -
thanks a lot pal...
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hai.... my bf decided to let go our relationship, he says he dun wan to let both of us suffer, he feels that this is the only solution...
guess i have to face it w great determination...
pple thanks for ur time...
i'm single again -
Tian ya he chu wu fang cao...Originally posted by nicoleger:hai.... my bf decided to let go our relationship, he says he dun wan to let both of us suffer, he feels that this is the only solution...
guess i have to face it w great determination...
pple thanks for ur time...
i'm single again -
dun be sad...u will get over it...like wat i am going thru also...hai...my situtation is quite similar to urs...we r on the same boatOriginally posted by nicoleger:hai.... my bf decided to let go our relationship, he says he dun wan to let both of us suffer, he feels that this is the only solution...
guess i have to face it w great determination...
pple thanks for ur time...
i'm single again 
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Originally posted by reallieRAW:
Try some new 'rubbing-in' to ur r/ship....sth [b]New tt has never been done bfe to ur r/ship....Stimulate the r/ship once again.....get rid of the 'staleness' by stopping to remind urself of the past things tt happened to it. Juz treat it as a New r/ship (u need ur BF's help). Example, if both of u seldom go pinic, u may like to try it? like in Pretty Woman Add some fresh ideas to the way this r/ship has remained for the past yrs......Give it a facelift but be moderate...dun try 'too hard' coz may backfire.......
Nonetheless.....no harm trying & gd luck [/b] Not gonna be that easy.... -
Originally posted by Devil1976: Not gonna be that easy.... Our Unker Agony is troubled by Affairs of the Heart
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Relationships - OF ALL KINDS
- ARE LIKE SAND HELD IN YOUR HAND.
HELD LOOSELY, WITH AN OPEN HAND,
THE SAND REMAINS WHERE IT IS.
THE MINUTE YOU CLOSE YOUR HAND
AND SQEEZE TIGHTLY TO HOLD ON,
THE SAND TRICLKES THROUGH YOUR FINGERS.
YOU MAY HOLD ON TO SOME OF IT,
BUT MOST WILL BE SPILLED.
A RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE THAT.
HELD LOOSELY, WITH RESPECT AND FREEDOM FOR THE OTHER PERSON,
IT IS LIKELY TO REMAIN INTACT.
BUT HOLD TOO TIGHTLY,
TOO POSSESSIVELY AND THE RELATIONSHIP SLIPS AWAY AND IS LOST.
--- KALEEL JAMISON,
THE NIBBLE THEORY