Can i start a new relationship again ?
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my answer is very short and simple ... just be happy and don't torture yourself ...
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can you track down the exact time when you realised you stopped having feelings for your husband?
it is hard to imagine that it only started when he sold your flat without your express agreement. im sure that sometime along the way, you found that your feelings have diminished.
are you very sure that you truly do not want to salvage your marriage?
i'm not sure if the picture you paint is that accurate...do you really not spend time with him anymore? no true communication? no intimacy whatsoever?
if you are very very sure that your husband is not someone in your life you want to spend with, i strongly suggest that you clean it up right now. you have to be honest with him and yourself, and importantly 'the other guy'. i also strongly urge you not to jump straight into another relationship. it could very well be you are craving for comfort and intimacy...
the very first step is to be honest with your husband. lay bear your feelings in front of him and tell him what you think of doing. and then ask him for his opinion. see if he really cares. importantly, talk and communicate.
once that is exhausted, then proceed slowly. go through your annulment/separation/divorce proceedings. go even slower when trying for a new relationship.
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Originally posted by hina_74:
This is going to be a long story….. I need advice….
I am married for 8years with no kids.
All these 8 years, I carry the status of ‘married’ in paper.
This doesn’t mean my hubby doesn’t love me, its just that we did not consummate our marriage – no sex at all. No he is not a gay!!!
We are like any dating couple – holding hands, sometimes watching movie together.
Things start to change for the past two to three years. He has been playing online games and spending more his time computer than going out with me. Other than normal meals and buying necessities, the rest of the time, he is hook on the computer.
Some of you may say that its ok since he is not going out to gamble or fool around. And he gives you freedom to do whatever thing you like, not many married women get this freedom. Yes I admit this freedom given but I believe in communication and spending a little more time together.
I told him before but he will just say that I am not going out to gamble, drink or fooling around, I am playing computer games. What is wrong with this ?
He still cannot see what is the problem.
5 months ago, our flats were sold – the agreement of selling the flats was decided by him. The reason is that property market was good and we can make big profit ( which we did).
There were no ‘but’ on this transaction and I have to sign on the dotted line.
I was too (emotionally and physically) tired to argue with him (the whole transaction took place when I was on business trip)
We moved to stay with my parents after the flat was sold.
Every night, he will just play his online game while I do my own things.
Up and until now the flat was sold, I have lost interest in this marriage.
I am beginning to feel like doing things alone and staying with friends are more happy than to be with my hubby.
Recently I met a guy, someone which I wanted to know him more. And if there is a chance I will like to develop a relationship with him.
Whenever I am with this guy, I feel guilty….guilty not towards my hubby but to this new guy.
This guy doesn’t know the above situation and I really wanted to tell him.
I wanted to tell this guy about the above situation and prepare for a divorce (which I have been thinking since the time I sold my flat, so whether this guy appear or not, it doesn’t matter)
Do you think after telling the whole situation above, I will still be able to be with the (new) guy ?
If you are in the shoe of this (new) guy, what will you think ?
It's unusual for a couple not to consummate their marriage - it's just something not very positive for a marriage without a healthy sex life and for your case, it's basically non-existence sex life.
It's likely that you might have subconscious untended/suppressed sexual frustration - which indirectly suggests the feeble natural bonding you have with your husband. Sex per se is not merely about reproduction - in fact, the act of intimacy actually boost the sense of closeness and to promote the 'language of love' - this spiritual union in love.
To me, there could be some unspoken issue/s regarding sexuality. It doesn't mean that he's likely to be a closet gay (although such possibility is possible) - what happens is that I know this case of a man who is suffering from Erectile Dysfunctional, but he has never told his wife about it. He started to avoid intimacy and submerge himself with work. This man slipped into denial mode and his marriage ended up rocky because the wife reckoned that he probably no longer loved her and thought that he shown signs of drifting - the classic scenario of late nights and the lack of intimacy.
Of course, the root of problem is never about Love - it's about communication.
I am not suggesting that your husband is suffering from ED, but rather - it seemed to me that communication between you and him appeared more like a dead line. Perhaps you have already grown used to such structure of communication that you gave up trying, even if you wanted to express your inner thoughts & feelings.
The selling of the flat is probably the catalysis.
Just wondering: do you even have any desire, however little, to salvage your marriage? Or is it a sure thing that you are leaving for good?
Cheers
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As someone has said earlier, not consummating the marriage is grounds for ending the marriage.
It sounds as if your husband is either gay or has a disability but married you due to external pressures. He may have suppressed his sexual desires or he has found an outlet that you are not aware of.
Your relationship seems to have been based on companionship and you seem to have developed an attachment to him. However you are worried that you are missing out on life, especially now that he is distracted by video games and not paying you the attention you need. That may be the problem, not the huge soul searching issue of what you're missing out but just that he's ignoring you. Other marriages have ended when husbands get distracted and stop paying attention to their wives. Divorce is not the first answer you reach.
You may be better off first telling him that you are feeling left out of his life and make plans to do things together, you can start with meal times together and then other plans out of the house, walks, talks etc. Let him know it's his companionship that is important to you, not the activity itself and do not threaten him with leaving him etc.
He is probably escaping into fantasy with his video games, don't make your company something he has to escape from.
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hi all
Thank you for all your advices.
i have been busy sorting out this problem.
My hubby is a normal man. He doesn't have any problems. Its juz that he is too much into his game.
His other friend ended up divorce because of computer games (recently)
And YES, i have communicated with him on this issues before but he don't seems to care much.
And like what viciouskitty74 mentioned, all are correct.
Even if he will to tell me that he will change, i don't feel anything for him.
As for the 'other guy', i will tell him soon about my situation.
Probably i will end up losing both man and be mock by family and friends but like what some of you said - we have only one life to live.
Thank you all for spending time to read through this thread.
I wish all of you happy too...