problem in relationship ... need advice
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i have a bf of 6 yrs.. recently , this past 6-8 mths, we argue quite a bit.until like 3 mths ago, he say he got ' feeling' for me anymore n wants to concentrate on his career..
I really want to make our realtionship work.
anyone has this type of experience ...
i believe that 'feeling' thing can be find back ,if we do it together.
And other thing is he needs to concentrate on his career too, he really very bz one, mayb 1 week i meet him abt 3-4 hrs only..
Anyone has advice on what can be done... i am really lost now. -
Hav u both made love yet?Originally posted by love_him:i have a bf of 6 yrs.. recently , this past 6-8 mths, we argue quite a bit.until like 3 mths ago, he say he got ' feeling' for me anymore n wants to concentrate on his career..
I really want to make our realtionship work.
anyone has this type of experience ...
i believe that 'feeling' thing can be find back ,if we do it together.
And other thing is he needs to concentrate on his career too, he really very bz one, mayb 1 week i meet him abt 3-4 hrs only..
Anyone has advice on what can be done... i am really lost now.
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i want advice on relationship not this type of questions ....
anyway NO ! -
I am just trying to c how close u two were...in the physical sense.Originally posted by love_him:i want advice on relationship not this type of questions ....
anyway NO !
No offence.
BTW, How old r u now? -
i'm 23... he 24
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i tink.....
y nt cool down for a while..time will heel...although u r feelin v lost...n sad...
...bt since he alreadi liat..u cant change anyting..or force him anyting.. -
u mean cool off, as in we break off ??
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to a guy career is usually important since it directly translates into finanical clout which will in turn determine how well he can care for his loved ones, in this case being you.
does he still has feelings for you or not? I not sure if there is a typo. assuming there is still love betwen you 2, what you need to do now is to show him support. do not depend on him for emotional support which you need desperately now. instead give him yours. understand his situation. Leave him alone but let him know that if he needs you, you will be there instantly. Dont let him worry by saying that you are worried that he dun love you, care for you etc etc. It only makes him more sian. Keep yourself occupied so that he doesnt feel guilty for *leaving* you alone. since you guys meet o9nly 3/4 hrs a week, it may also mean that that's the only time he has to rest, give him that time to rest. you guys can just talk on the phone in the meantime. let him recharge.
i am assuming both of you are of a mature age. are there any definite plans for marraige? -
no....cool down for awhile...then maybe ask him meet for lunch or dinner sometimes like normal frens lidat..and see hw u 2 progress...Originally posted by love_him:u mean cool off, as in we break off ?? -
Still young lah...Originally posted by love_him:i'm 23... he 24
I do encountered a lot of my friends, both gals and guys, who claimed tat they wanna concentrate on their career...but it is actually an excuse most of the time...
U claimed tat he has feelings for u...and u do hav feelings 4 him too... communication is impt now.
3-4hrs per week...a bit too little. Try to make up for more time during weekends...
When i started working, my gal was in final yr...studying hard too...i go hostel to keep her company...
guess, u got to go find him and keep him company lor...
well...walk one step, c one step.
others in the forum will give u more advise...but my observation is career is just an excuse...good luck, sincerely. -
pepermint >> wat u say really hit on the bull's eye ... this is exactly what he wants me to do ... ( u r not him ???) ..
n its exactly what i feel ...
u mean i only only can leave him alone now ?? nothing much i can do ?? -
now he say we got no ' passion' ... he say he still care for me. not that he dun like me liao.. its jus he wants to get his career 1st lor.
with his career , he can do more for this relationship ... but another thing now is, since he feels no ' passion' , he cannot promise me a future lo .. wat sld i do ????????????????????? -
I told u oredi...career is just an excuse...the root of the problem is that the fire of love is diminishing or is extincted. No lover would tell his gf "we got no passion", wat he doing is just keeping u only by his side...and then not willing to share the wonderfuls of life wif u yet.Originally posted by love_him:now he say we got no ' passion' ... he say he still care for me. not that he dun like me liao.. its jus he wants to get his career 1st lor.
with his career , he can do more for this relationship ... but another thing now is, since he feels no ' passion' , he cannot promise me a future lo .. wat sld i do ?????????????????????
Dont give up the whole forest for jus 1 tree. He is trying not to hurt your feelings only... maybe hav a heart-to-heart talk wif him...tell him how u felt..better come out clean than keep guessing...
If it does not work the pain is finite...only last a while, but to go on like this...
Cool down first, observe for a while more, and then talk wif him. And let us know if any advancement...ok...luv u. -
i had a heart to heart talk to him already and he told him honestly that he got no 'feeling' not becoz of any other things. jus that he wants his career 1st b4 we can go to the next stage ...
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Well mine is somewhat similar, my bf always very bz wif his work, so seldom have the chance to accompany me.Originally posted by love_him:i have a bf of 6 yrs.. recently , this past 6-8 mths, we argue quite a bit.until like 3 mths ago, he say he got ' feeling' for me anymore n wants to concentrate on his career..
I really want to make our realtionship work.
anyone has this type of experience ...
i believe that 'feeling' thing can be find back ,if we do it together.
And other thing is he needs to concentrate on his career too, he really very bz one, mayb 1 week i meet him abt 3-4 hrs only..
Anyone has advice on what can be done... i am really lost now.
So what i do is, if he needs to work late in the office, i will accompany him until he finishes lor ;P one stone shoot 2 birdie......never disrupt him pursuing his career, and can be wif him at the same time....
of cos have to sacrifice some sleeping time loh...but worth it
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well i oso hope to spent more time with him, the problem is, he work in a sales line, so he will be running ard ... he dun have much time lor... n his team meet got meeting in the morning n at nite ard 10+ so can't really meet him lor..
how can i let him know that he oso can have me, while fighting for his career >? -
pepermint >> wat u say really hit on the bull's eye ... this is exactly what he wants me to do ... ( u r not him ???) ..
n its exactly what i feel ...
u mean i only only can leave him alone now ?? nothing much i can do ??
No of course i am not him, though i am also 24. nothing much you can now except to leave him alone, as in let him settle his stuff 1st. in time to come, he will appreciate it and make it up to you.
now he say we got no ' passion' ... he say he still care for me. not that he dun like me liao.. its jus he wants to get his career 1st lor.
with his career , he can do more for this relationship ... but another thing now is, since he feels no ' passion' , he cannot promise me a future lo .. wat sld i do ?????????????????????
You might want to divluge what his currently doing? Once a guy reaches 24, usually his thoughts are of career, planning for marriage. In Sinagpore sad but true, you must have the necessary resources to maintain your love life. Assuming what he says is true, I feel that he is mature and think for the future. Maybe he is like me think of future too much, yet neglect to enjoy the present.
As for passion, 6 years is quite a long time. how do u keep it alive? how do your dates usually go? same old routine? For a guy, he may be afraid to commit to you. Hes prolly thinking can i stay with her for the rest of my life? what if there are other gals out there? Guys are always like that. no changing it.
are you a materialistic gal? that may be the underlying reason why he's working so hard..do u want condo? car? 5 star hotel for wedding?
i had a heart to heart talk to him already and he told him honestly that he got no 'feeling' not becoz of any other things. jus that he wants his career 1st b4 we can go to the next stage ...
do you know how gals feel loved? when their guys show them that they care, love them, willing to take care of them.
do you know how guys feel loved? when thier gals trust them and appreciate their *work* whatever it is.
trust him, show that you support him, appreciate the fact that he is working hard for your future. -
It's kind of a dangerous relationship... Especially if a guy can tell you that he've no longer got that 'passion' and 'feeling' for the relationship.... Perhaps he's just not the tactful sort of guy who knows how to put it in words.... It's still too early for me to tell.....Originally posted by love_him:i have a bf of 6 yrs.. recently , this past 6-8 mths, we argue quite a bit.until like 3 mths ago, he say he got ' feeling' for me anymore n wants to concentrate on his career..
I really want to make our realtionship work.
anyone has this type of experience ...
i believe that 'feeling' thing can be find back ,if we do it together.
And other thing is he needs to concentrate on his career too, he really very bz one, mayb 1 week i meet him abt 3-4 hrs only..
Anyone has advice on what can be done... i am really lost now.
Chances are, he's either REALLY no longer interested in the relationship... Or he's PLAIN confused... The career getting in between thing is probably just to ANSWER... To both you and himself.....
Realise that DANGEROUS move he's making despite the FACT that he understands the relationship is on the rock and he still pins his career as PRIORITY.... Does he have other important financial commitments to make in his Life...? That might explain things especially now that it's recession period....
Alternatively, he could be too busy with work that he don't have time to attend to the problem in between the 2 of you.... Or he might be confused himself as I'd mentioned above that he choose to bury himself in his work.... Anyway, whatever's the reason... Having the relationship running for long on this mode would most probably be a rather bad thing.... But PUSHING him for a resolvement might not be such a good idea neither... (have to take into consideration of his plight if he's really facing one...)
Does he have a life of his own...? Hobbies...? Things he like to do...?
Don't mind telling me what are both of your star signs...? What do you people do together when you meet up for that short hours...? How did you 1st got into the relationship with him...? He was doing NS back then...?
What are you working as...?
Regards.... -
ok , i meet him when we were in poly ...
i was with him thru , poly, NS ..n until now.
he's a gemini, i'm aries. ( u know how to see horoscop ah)
he's workin in a sales job n he'sfighting for a busines oppunity, n he dun know when he will get the target, he jus say ASAP.
i think oso may we r quite dull these years, everytime either his hse or ny hse watch tv, vcd, once in a while go shopping or walk walk...
well especially this yr, coz he dun have much money, coz his job no basic pay, commission base...
i am workin a 9-5 job., his working hrs irregular ... especially now he needs to fight for his business, he work until late at nite, to meet ppl ..etc
i think last time, he everytime give in to him, so mayb he oso sian abt it lor ... well , i already change for that part, n he oso know that i change liao...
Now wat i hope is that we can work it out, i know it will be super difficult for him coz he needs to do it career n me ... but i really want to work it out. -
peppermint :
i oso know that in singapore., really need money to survive ...
i am not materialistic , i told him b4 i dun mind working hard with him at this period..
but now no passion, if really dun meet really cannot do much abt it right ????
wat i'm thinking now is, whenever i meet him, i try to make out dates simple stressless, n make it like when we just started out ... -
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he's just feeling stressed out.
with a commission based job, its up to himself to source for clients. has he been working long? is that his interest? more likely he's stuck in thsi dead end job, he may want to change job but how? where got time?
thats where u come in. what is he studying? graduated with? he ambition? help him prepare his resume and mail them out for him. help him get a job with regular hours, and something that he likes.
just my opinion. not sure if he will mind anot -
he jus change to this job in july ... he dun like desk-bound job that's y he do this job... he oso want to do his own business ...
he say he not really stress, but jus that he needs to concentrate on his job so that he can achieve his business soon... -
i suppose then thats his choice and you just have to respect his decision for it.
take it as a test for your relationship, and see how it fairs. schoollife romance and real life romance is a big difference. worse come to worse if it ends in break up, at least its wasnt too late -
Like many similar cases, relation that gone through a long period of time suffer a risk of entering into a stage of stagnation - what people known as habitual relationship.Originally posted by love_him:i have a bf of 6 yrs.. recently , this past 6-8 mths, we argue quite a bit.until like 3 mths ago, he say he got ' feeling' for me anymore n wants to concentrate on his career..
I really want to make our realtionship work.
anyone has this type of experience ...
i believe that 'feeling' thing can be find back ,if we do it together.
And other thing is he needs to concentrate on his career too, he really very bz one, mayb 1 week i meet him abt 3-4 hrs only..
Anyone has advice on what can be done... i am really lost now.
What is habitual relationships?
It refers to relationships that has been far too long without marriage and both parties are just keeping the relationship going for the sake of keeping it - don't talk about feelings. Talk about the time spend together, the things you people do together. Its is reduced to very routine and its unseen draining of the relation. Most people feel that by going a long period of time = a very safe relation because both party must have love each other very much and stuff, but reality, this is not very true.
1 week meet 3-4 hours is definitely not enough, you don't have to meet everyday, but that is far too few in terms of ability to mantain or upkeep the relation. Think about this - Am I right to say his good friends even spend more than that YOU, being his girl friend?
Feelings can find back, but it is difficult because unless he really wants to be with you and take the EXTRA mile to work on the relation, if not it is like clapping with one hand - zero result. Career is an excuse... because if he organise and plan his time well, he can still find time - time is there for people to plan, not plan by time. Issue is whether he wants anot. The easiest way out is just to mention that he is so busy cannot spare time - and avoid all responsiblities and still expect the relation to go on like usual - relation never works in this way and never will.
Both of you have already reach the peak of the relation and PROPER communication is needed to ensure the continuing of the relationship. You have to speak to him about all the points regarding this issue. Then - that is the first and essential step to solve the problem.
Cheers