Originally posted by Noughticated:I currently have a girlfriend who is older than I am. Being that as it may, I have no issues with our difference in age. However, she fails to trust me.
I have a friend, a girl, A, from church. I grew up with her, and I admit in the past we used to like each other when we were young and adolescent. But not for very long. Now she has her own boyfriend, and I have my girlfriend. However, my girlfriend doesn't quite like A. Since I told her about A and I liking each other in the past, her mood changed drastically, and A has been an issue of unpleasant discussion over the past few months.
My girlfriend observes A, and notices that she attempts to grab my attention. For example, when A talks, she glances at me quite frequently and today, for some reason, A entered the room where my girlfriend, I and another church member was seated. And she kept entering, re-entering, re-entering again and finally stayed put in the room. Each time she entered she made some sort of a din. According to my girlfriend. Although I failed to pay much attention.
A has been the constant subject of annoyance and displeasure for my girlfriend, and to my girlfriend it seems like A is always trying to get my attention. Not helping is the fact that almost everyone seemed to think for a time that A and I were perfect for each other. I told my girlfriend that the more people tell me to do something, the more I won't do it, and hence she refused to believe that I'm with her because I sincerely love her, but only to prove a point to everyone else that I'm defying their laws.
Recently, my girlfriend has made an effort to befriend A. In the past, when my girlfriend said hi, A would just ignore her and walk along, and my girlfriend attributed it to A perhaps not noticing her gesture.
I have explained many times to my girlfriend that I do love her, but she still can't seem to trust me.
She also mentioned to me a few times that I tend to look at other girls very frequently, sometimes to the extent of compromising my attention on her when she is in the midst of talking. She says my eyes would dart around, but I only look to observe, not to check out. But she doesn't quite take it that way. One occasion, she said that I stared at a girl to the point where I no longer hear what she's saying. I do enjoy observing people because I just have opinions to make, and I never meant to give her the wrong idea.
I am actually very exasperated and I made the mistake of telling her in the past, that if she couldn't accept A as a part of my life, I would find it hard to love her. It was a mistake and my girlfriend still hurts from it, and hence till today my girlfriend feels "disposable". I also admit, I told her that my ex girlfriend was my "bragging right". Because back then she was the hottest girl in school and I got to go out with her. My girlfriend gave me the option to speak freely so maybe she couldn't handle it.
Just now, I talked to her. We had a long discussion, and I was upset about her still clinging on to the A issue. To my girlfriend, A was clearly out to get my attention, but frankly I really didn't notice. I asked her why does she think A is better than her, and she replied "personality, figure, looks". Then, my girlfriend said that she regretted placing me in a box all this while, and she realized the pressure she placed on me regarding A and my brother's girlfriend. She told me that I could have my old life back. Rekindle my friendship with A, because I stopped talking to A a while ago in order to please my girlfriend.My girlfriend is insecure,but have I contributed to make her feel that way?
Also, my brother has a girlfriend who tried to flirt with me when we went on a family vacation. She kept looking at me, and it did make me feel akward. My girlfriend was quite upset and we did argue about this. From then, she failed to trust that girl, and whenever she came over, my girlfriend would be very uncomfortable. My brother's girlfriend is young, so perhaps we can attribute it to adolescence. She mentioned to my girlfriend that she wished my brother was as mature as I was. My girlfriend took that as some sort of signal that she was interested in me. I wonder how that works?
Also, honestly, whenever we meet up, she is mostly the one who comes over, and after work, she would walk to my office because she knocks off earlier than I do and waits for me so we could go home together to my place. In fact, she does offer most of the time to meet and travel over, and she feels bad when I have to travel to meet her. She refuses to let me pay for anything too. I need to know what to do. My girlfriend doesn't feel special I think, but why?
k dude.. this may not be helpful, but it's my advice and opinion for u.. ah yun will have better advice..
firstly at u've said, she's older than u.. i don't know how much of a factor that is, but I'm sure that for her, her insecurity fears will be a tad higher than higher than a r/s where the guy is older..
and there's the factor of A.. my assumption is that A is of the same age or younger than you.. as your girlfriend has pointed out, A MAY be trying to get your attention.. but u must know for urself, what kind of attention? as a friend? or does A still want more, despite both u and A have ur own better halves?
if it's the former, u have to tell ur girlfriend, be transparent, tell her that A is your friend.. communicate with her that it is impossible for u and A to have anything special, because afterall, YOU have chosen ur girlfriend over A.. and she has her own boyfriend.. it's no point shrugging off the matter, because ur girlfriend will always be on her guard against A, and this will kill off a normal friendship.. for me, on my best female friend's birthday, i went to her house to wait for her and pass her a gift, and i let my girlfriend know abt it.. just that i better do something better for my girlfriend on her birthday haha..
but if it's the latter, and A does still want something more(and u are confident of that) then i think u should talk to her instead.. be clear that u and her are childhood friends, good friends, best friends, but nothing more.. and tell ur girlfriend u have this conversation with A, and that u are drawing the line clearly, between friends and girlfriend..
another issue will be the fact that u previously told her that if she cant accept A, then u cant accept her.. that is a very bad mistake.. because u have unknowingly placed another girl over her in terms of priority.. then ask urself, who are u going to save when both drowning in the sea? no girl wants to be 2nd to her boyfriend, look at those numerousmother-in-law vs wife issues!
but now that the damage is done, u have to give her again, assurance, that she is important.. and you urself have to know, that she is ur impt one, not A.. ur chance with A is over, no more.. she is a friend, a best friend no doubt, but still a friend.. nothing more..
next issue which i want to raise, and knock some sense into u, is the abt the hottest ex-girlfriend thingy.. why still mention such stuff? are u trying to achieve a breakup? ur life moves forward, with ur current girlfriend being the centre of ur activities and daily life, of coz there's family, but surely u don't revolve ur life around ur ex-girlfriend now do you? stop doing that, period.
also, regarding the beo charboh thing, well it's something i've learnt the, erm, hard way too.. i cant give much of an advice here, but i learnt to not look, slowly and slowly don't look lo.. i tell myself.. so many pretty girls in the world, want to see all of them, won't i be very busy, den i stopped looking altogether..
regarding the brother's girlfriend, there's one very simple thing to do, ignore her.. and acknowledge ur girlfriend's fear that indeed, maybe the bro's girlfriend is attracted to u, but u aren't to her.. i'm quite sure u are not going to have alot of encounters with the bro's gf, so just try to ignore her or patronise her qns, soon she will get the hint and drop the idea of a threesome with both brothers..
ah, the meeting up after work, who's gonna pay and making her feel special part.. that's rather simple.. PROVIDED u are willing to go the extra mile, if not, it is going to stay as it is.. are you willing to wake early to make her breakfast and deliver it to her in the morning? do some simple, yet heartwarming stuff.. knit her something, make her a card, remember small things, buy stuff for her mother, these things make her feel special.. valentine's day, take the day off, wait for her with a bouquet when she knocks off.. all the things u take for granted, it's time to do something out of ur routine.. and surprise her with it.. and as i said, are u willing to go the extra mile?
lastly, regarding ur dad's hospitalisation issues, respect her decision.. she's afraid she will be reminded about it, so let her don't come.. and as the middleman, u have to relay such a message to ur parents, that she was deeply traumatised when she was young.. how about visiting ur dad when he's discharged? will that be good too? get some of his favourite food or fruits and visit him when he's home, that will be decent too..
i think the issue here is basically assurance, trust, communication and compromise.. you have alot to do, starting with yourself..
cheers!
i find it weird that you mentioned your GF isn't as special as you think, after all the things she'd done for you. All these waiting for you at the office, paying for meals are efforts to make you feel that you are the one for her.
but sadly, you had done the least in reciprocating her. many people would like to have a GF like her. She could have gone for other men, but she chose you instead, go ask yourself why?
how long have you been dating? like the usual jie3-di4-lian4, its usually the girl that's more kan chiong towards settling down and your girlfriend sounds like that. well, not to the extent of marriage yet, but at least she treasures you.
are you prepared to go the extra mile for her and make her happy? if not, then break up with her. You're too immature, compared to your girlfriend. Hence the differences in thought.
if you really like her, use some actions to prove it.
we await the good news :)
Originally posted by kajagugu:i find it weird that you mentioned your GF isn't as special as you think, after all the things she'd done for you. All these waiting for you at the office, paying for meals are efforts to make you feel that you are the one for her.
but sadly, you had done the least in reciprocating her. many people would like to have a GF like her. She could have gone for other men, but she chose you instead, go ask yourself why?
how long have you been dating? like the usual jie3-di4-lian4, its usually the girl that's more kan chiong towards settling down and your girlfriend sounds like that. well, not to the extent of marriage yet, but at least she treasures you.
are you prepared to go the extra mile for her and make her happy? if not, then break up with her. You're too immature, compared to your girlfriend. Hence the differences in thought.
if you really like her, use some actions to prove it.
we await the good news :)
Thanks =) No actually I meant that I think she doesn't FEEL as special as I expected she would. I still can't figure out why she doesn't. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't bother listening to her constantly talk about A or my brother's girlfriend and how uncomfortable she is.
The thing is, I feel that when she goes on the topic, she lashes out at me, even though I didn't do anything. Like for instance, regarding A, when she walked in walked out walked in walked out and so called tried to get my attention according to my girlfriend, I didn't do anything I just sat there. I did say something to A to offer my help because she was looking for a key and I figured that to save her the trouble, I just told her which room was open. My girlfriend then said she was going to the toilet and left the room. Then she got very cold towards me. I seem to always be on the receiving end of things.
My girlfriend also has quite a temper. But I've told her to control it and truthfully though she at times can snap quite badly, she does try to control it. She's just very cold to me when she's uncomfortable.
No la, I don't think I'm handsome or anything. Somehow she is the only one who lasted with me more than 6 months, which was the length of my last relationship, and she always wants to spend time with me whenever she can. Her past was rather bad, because for all three of her ex boyfriends, they cheated on her then dumped her, and she believed their lies. So she probably is just being protective over her turf. I just don't understand why she doesn't trust me and nothing has happened in the relationship of that nature.
I'm not the expressive sort, I'm just being myself. If she can't love me or trust me for being myself, then there isn't any point right? How do I go the extra mile and what will that prove? I don't tell her what I do because I just don't feel the need to report to her. Like when she asked me to tell me if A is around, when my girlfriend isn't there. My girlfriend just asked me to do that for a few months or something until she feels better. But I haven't kept to it because I just don't see why I should report to her. Plus I'm afraid of her reaction.
What can I possibly do to protect my relationship with her?
(And so far, my brother's girlfriend hasn't done anything odd lately, but my girlfriend just feels damn uncomfortable when she is around my house.)
I've told her many times she's the only one I love. And that the only love I feel towards A is as a friend. Nothing more. But my girlfriend still doesn't believe me. She thinks I really want to talk to A, and that I wish she and A would get along which would be the best situation. But I think that situation is not achievable for now. I have promised my girlfriend a few things, small things, and at times I failed to keep to it. My girlfriend actually thinks that she is disposable because of what I said to her before about accepting A, and though I regret saying that my girlfriend cannot forget it. Maybe she's trying to, I'm not sure, but she always feels second best to A. But I just cannot be with A. She's spiritual and she pinches like mad. I will go crazy. And A's friends are mostly male, like my girlfriend, but she stopped talking to her male friends, because she grew up with a wholebunch of them. My girlfriend says she prefers to hang out with guys because they are direct and not the prissy sort like girls. She hates shopping too.
The other thing is that I did get A to massage my back for a few minutes only, twice I think. My girlfriend told me, that its funny, how I'm so sensitive towards other guys giving her a bear hug, like her old friend she hasn't seen in a long time, but I'm okay with A massaging my back. I think my girlfriend feels it isn't fair because she is always the one that has to suppress things, and not everyone else. She wonders why.
The paying thing isn't the issue, its just an insight as to what sort of girl she's like that's all. She's abit weird in her ways, but its something I live with. Like she will just pet every stray cat on the road, and save pigeons who are hurt, keeps snakes and funny pets last time, and she sings too. Her mood swings are bad, I just don't want to be on the receiving end of things I never did.
Originally posted by Karma88:So long who want to read ?
Sorry lar...its alot of things.
Originally posted by sebosebo:is ur gf a cancerian or piscean, whereas ur hmm....aquarian, gemini or saggitarius?
she does love you, u have to think of ways to reassure her. ur actions to her will speak more then anything.
She's a leo. How to reassure? I told her a million times already man.
Originally posted by Noughticated:
She's a leo. How to reassure? I told her a million times already man.
hello! do not use a horoscope to characterize a person. then just keep ur distance from A and furthermore did u try to understand the reason why A n ur girlfriend dun get along?
A was my best friend. My gf ( use short form better ) says she feels bad if she comes in between A and me. So last night she said she will give in and try not to care. But everytime she says she doesn't care or everythings ok, she will react again. So I don't know whether to believe my girlfriend.
My gf wants me to rekindle my friendship with A. I'm scared to do it, because my gf may react. I stopped talking to A for my gf's sake, but my gf told me she can see she placed me in a box, and now she wants me to live my life like it was. Continue talking to A, like normal.
Originally posted by Noughticated:A was my best friend. My gf ( use short form better ) says she feels bad if she comes in between A and me. So last night she said she will give in and try not to care. But everytime she says she doesn't care or everythings ok, she will react again. So I don't know whether to believe my girlfriend.
My gf wants me to rekindle my friendship with A. I'm scared to do it, because my gf may react. I stopped talking to A for my gf's sake, but my gf told me she can see she placed me in a box, and now she wants me to live my life like it was. Continue talking to A, like normal.
do something special for her and reassure her. and as for ur friendship with A, dun meet her uneccessarily like that lo. she has been through a rough patch in her life in the past that could explain why she is not secure.
just tell her the truth about why u love her.
From usually what I know , those people who are leo has quite a temper but they are good and kind by nature. Girls will gets jealous easily , therefore if she tell you to be normal with A , you don't . Usually when girls said that they hope you to be " normal with your friend " in their heart it is always the opposite. You have commited a mistake . You should'nt have asked A to massage for you . Bear that in mind , you are attached. What things you usually do , should somehow control . If my boyfriend asked his normal friend to massage his back for him , i would be jealous like mad too . So i guess whatever you do , try to think in her shoes and definitely stuff would turn out better for the both of you.
ok she's the sensitive type, just pay more attention to her feelings. even though it's tiring.....evolutiondiva's right, think in her shoes.
ps....bring her to the place where you two had your first date or whatever and tell her why you liked her in the first place, you know, sweet talk a bit like TV shows :) Find out which part of you she is insecure about, then work from there to improve the situation. Dunno will work or not...buy her a gift as well?
jus tell her to trust you, and you urself must be trustworthy to make her feel secure.
if not, break up. any relationship will never sustain for long without trust in each other. if you don't settle this issue of trust between you, it will drag on into ur marriage life.
i'm sure you don't want a paranoid wife to be always suspicious of you having an affair out there right?
and you should try to get her to read this thread. may be good for her to know how u feel, and to see from other people's perspective.
Cant blame her... she is already older. Women very sensitive to age, cos age = youth = everything! Also, women knowing women, of cos she sees thru' what A was trying to do. Give her lots of assurance. Give her security. Make her feel special. Stay away from A lah - over already, so why still friendly towards each other? And perhaps you didnt make her feel special as you think you had! You should try harder then.
wads next?
she got jealous about ur mum cause she feed u during family dinner?
And the church you are attending with A in it ... is not the only church in Singapore.
Why don't you just go with your girlfriend to another church ?
We're involved in the church so we can't change it though. My girlfriend sings for our choir too. So does A. I mean, there was two rich guys that offered to marry my gf. Really rich guys, and she rejected it because of me, and also her own values because she is not the type that goes for money. Isn't that worse than the situation with A? Shouldn't I be the one making noise since they want to marry her? So how come I could deal with it but my gf can't?
Yea my gf told me she knows girls and what they do. She did tell me once that she somehow felt bad because somehow she feels A doesn't deserve being ignored by me and being talked about by her. But my gf said she feels very strongly that A is trying to get my attention. A talks very loudly and always glances at me according to my gf, and she finds this behaviour very "annoying and obnoxious". And she has some idea that I actually deep down love A.
Its just that I feel if something is meant to be, then it will happen. If it doesn't, it doesn't. My gf finds that quite unreliable because she said come a situation where I need to fight for the relationship, I won't do a thing. But if the relationship is meant to be, then there won't be such a situation right.
How do girls see this anyway? and the fellas too?
I love A as a friend because she was there for me last time.
Originally posted by Noughticated:I love A as a friend because she was there for me last time.
but then can't you keep your distance from her then?
I just want to be friends I guess. Not best friends anymore but friends. I'm not sure how this will work. Especially after everything that has happened between my gf and I. She really dislikes A. My gf told me that she wishes everyone would just leave us alone. Not leave us, but as in, stop doing all this stupid crap to her. Like trying to get my attention etc. My gf feels it isn't fair to her because somehow everything that is happening is to her detriment because she has to put up with it. The only reason why she doesnt confront A is because she doesn't want to kill the friendship between A and me, and also it will be tensed and weird and she doesn't want to place us in a situation.
Originally posted by Noughticated:I just want to be friends I guess. Not best friends anymore but friends. I'm not sure how this will work. Especially after everything that has happened between my gf and I. She really dislikes A. My gf told me that she wishes everyone would just leave us alone. Not leave us, but as in, stop doing all this stupid crap to her. Like trying to get my attention etc. My gf feels it isn't fair to her because somehow everything that is happening is to her detriment because she has to put up with it. The only reason why she doesnt confront A is because she doesn't want to kill the friendship between A and me, and also it will be tensed and weird and she doesn't want to place us in a situation.
then why do u think the all the problem is with your gf then? have u try to talk to A regarding this? do u think that her suspicions are without any grounds?
But I really don't love A that way. She was just there for me when I needed a friend, and I guess I liked her because she really seemed like she cared for me. But no matter how many times I tell my gf I don't like her, she doesn't believe me. Why?
Originally posted by Noughticated:But I really don't love A that way. She was just there for me when I needed a friend, and I guess I liked her because she really seemed like she cared for me. But no matter how many times I tell my gf I don't like her, she doesn't believe me. Why?
because ur actions showed otherwise? and also do you think that ur gf's suspcisions is without suspicions? i mean dun you have leaders that you and gf to share to to resolve this issue?
I don't like A anymore. So I told my gf to go confront her if she has a problem. Why should it become my problem?
Leaders? No we don't openly talk about issues to others. Forums, well at least nobody knows us. Last time she got upset was because when A was talking online to me, she sent me some songs, and I liked it so I burnt a CD and put it in my gf's car. To me, it was just nice songs, to her it was rubbing it into her face.
Originally posted by Noughticated:I don't like A anymore. So I told my gf to go confront her if she has a problem. Why should it become my problem?
you have to resolve this issue no matter what? do you guys have have some leader that you guys can share to so that you can resolve this issue?