Originally posted by Noughticated:Leaders? No we don't openly talk about issues to others. Forums, well at least nobody knows us. Last time she got upset was because when A was talking online to me, she sent me some songs, and I liked it so I burnt a CD and put it in my gf's car. To me, it was just nice songs, to her it was rubbing it into her face.
why not? you need help. why are u so afraid of letting ppl helping you? your leader can help you guys to gain another perspective and provide you some godly advice
dude u posted twice.
no i did not. read my posts carefully dude
whoops. sorry its so early in the morning. I didn't see a page 3. lol. my apologies.
I dunno. Ok. What would you do in my shoes?
Originally posted by Noughticated:whoops. sorry its so early in the morning. I didn't see a page 3. lol. my apologies.
I dunno. Ok. What would you do in my shoes?
if i was in ur shoes, i would take my gf with me and go share this with my mentor who is already married and ask for godly advice regarding this. because the thing is that i'm sure there are always wiser people in the church that have gone through similar experiences and that they get to the root of the problem and resolve it
correct me if i'm wrong but then i get the feeling that you think that this is between A and ur gf, you have nothing to do with it. you could be wrong though. how do u know that what ur gf say is not true? how can you be certain that A is not trying to get ur attention. i would suggest that you, ur gf n A just talk it out over this? if still cannot resolve, you will have to get the leaders in the situation then .
I didn't really read ur story carefully but that's what I can derive from based on what I know.
Ur gf obviously suffers from a high sense of insecurity, which u failed to give her the sense of security. Although u mentioned that ur relationship with A is purely just friends, it seems like the actions prove otherwise, especially the massaging ur back part. For me, I wouldn't like a girl to massage my bf's back. Anyway which gf would like?!
Get to talk to ur gf more often and noe more abt her feelings, rather than telling her how much u love her. It obviously doesn't work on her much. Actions speak louder than words. Once u understand how and why she feels so upset about ur behaviour, then u will try to refrain to do all these and naturally, she will noe and feels ur love for her.
okay. But..does my gf have to change, or me? Oh I don't know. She just wants everyone to stop doing things like that. I left her to deal with everything alone. Was i wrong to do that? I mean I didn't do anything to respond or I have no intention to with regards to A's antics. I think my girlfriend is just plain paranoid.
Nought,
The A issue is actually very simple to resolve.
Whenever A comes into the room trying to "attract" your attention and your gf is around.
Do this,
Be extremely nice and loving towards your GF.
Hug your girlfriend tighter and give her a loving kiss or something like that.
Your girlfriend will be very pleased if you do so.
It is ofcors your business to make your gf feel more secure, you are her BF are you not ?
Take control of the situation, don't let the situation take control of you. Getit ?
Should I feel bad for A if I do such things? After all she was my best friend and she was there for me when I needed her last time. I think its unfair to A if I just ignored her. My gf should trust me enough to know that I know what I'm doing.
She thinks that there is no point in me giving A so much credit for something that she did for me in the past. What matters now is my her and not A, but somehow my gf finds that I still treasure A more. Plus she thinks that if A is really a true friend, she wouldn't do such things and instead respect our relationship.
I'm super confused. What is she thinking. Is A really worth my friendship? Is it the right thing to do to just stop talking to her in order to make my gf happy? Is it wrong of me to hope both of them get along?
I actually have some sort of intense self conscious image preservation thing. I don't think I'm comfortable being intimate with her in church or wherever A is.
Originally posted by Noughticated:I actually have some sort of intense self conscious image preservation thing. I don't think I'm comfortable being intimate with her in church or wherever A is.
If that is the case, you don't love your gf enough to give up this self conscious feelings.
I'm sorry to say this, but you know deep in your heart, you're hoping something will blossom between you and A.
If A is merely a friend, you will have no problem behaving in a loving manner with your gf infront of A. Obviously, A is not just a friend as you so want to believe.
You need to shyt or get off the pot.
But, I am sure you are enjoying this attention from both side of the shores, but bear in mind that you may end up with nothing in the end.
marry your girlfriend
seriously.. A may be ur best friend, but to cut down the conversations with her, issit that hard? ur life shouldn't be ard A anymore, that's a fact, accept it.. she has her own bf, u have ur gf, other than matters that involve ur church and some friendly chatting, there shouldn't be anything else..
nobody is telling u to ignore her completely and freeze the friendship, but do ur usual matters and stuff revolve ard A? if it does, simply reduce them and do more activities with ur gf, thats all..
u say ur gf is supposed to understand this, understand that, u hope that they can get along fine, but there is such a thing called jing shui bu fan he shui.. ur gf acknowledge that she's ur friend, and A acknowledge that she's ur gf, thats all, there's no gel-ing, no getting along thing..
and another thing, i think A's boyfriend will be wishing you leave her alone too.
although love is about loving a person for who he/she is, sometimes there has to be sacrifices.
you may have been a person who has close girl-friends like A. that's is very you. maybe you don't mean anything. just platonic. But because you once had a short stint with A, you're like labelled forever. That's just why your gf feels that way.
however, your gf is not wrong either. anybody would have been upset with his/her partner being more concerned with another than him/herself. She would be worried one day you might leave her and get together with A. Honestly, she also don't understand that, even if a person who doesn't have a close girl-friend like A, a person could have found someone else also if there were to be problems.
A relationship isn't about You or Me, its about We. it's not like asking you to totally ignore A, but to restrict yourself having so much things of memories with A. Surely, you could have created a CD with music that you and your gf shared?
If you can't sacrifice a tiny bit of your friendship with A for your gf, it just means that you're not trying enough for her, or she isn't as important as the friendship of A. Then again, if you have given up on friendship for someone before and yet there is still insecurity, something is really wrong.
Ultimately, think about who is going to walk the path with you. Not your friends mostly, but your partner.
So I'm at fault? My gf is paranoid. She always thinks something is going to happen when for the past almost one year, I didn't do anything. I want my freedom without her always on my back. But I love her. I just want to be able to talk to other girls freely without suspicion.
the insecurity that ur girlfriend has now is caused by ur actions in the initial stages of ur relationship.. when u said those things in the past, u have already unknowingly put her in 2nd place, and she has sealed herself in 2nd place..
now what u can only do is to pull her out of that 2nd place mentality, and reaffirm her status to number 1... and before u do that, talking to other girls is good as killing the relationship.
Originally posted by Noughticated:So I'm at fault? My gf is paranoid. She always thinks something is going to happen when for the past almost one year, I didn't do anything. I want my freedom without her always on my back. But I love her. I just want to be able to talk to other girls freely without suspicion.
a relationship cannot work if one person always take the fault. Both of you have some part to play. if Freedom is always on your mind, you're just not ready to commit. Break off and don't waste the girl's time.
So I'm being a prick, basically?
I always thought since I trusted her, her trust should automatically be upon me. That's what I've always expected of her. I didn't do anything but she still can't trust me. So I'm really upset with her. Its as if no matter what I do, I can never make her happy.
Its always about this A person. Whenever A is around, my gf just turns cold and upset. I told my gf that all this pressure, she brought upon herself. Did I do anything right?
change church
Originally posted by Noughticated:So I'm being a prick, basically?
if you're not willing to accept comments, I have no description for you. I don't label you. You label yourself.
You can choose to be a prick or you can choose to be anything. The important thing here is Choice. You cannot be indecisive. Decide for once what is to be in your life.
Originally posted by Noughticated:I always thought since I trusted her, her trust should automatically be upon me. That's what I've always expected of her. I didn't do anything but she still can't trust me. So I'm really upset with her. Its as if no matter what I do, I can never make her happy.
Its always about this A person. Whenever A is around, my gf just turns cold and upset. I told my gf that all this pressure, she brought upon herself. Did I do anything right?
I've been thru that "no matter what you do, no trust". After I ask for the break up, I asked if she trusted me, it was still a "never did" answer.
You can feel it when there isn't trust. You can also feel it if it's not working or not moving forward. If a relationship is strained and superficial. It's just unhealthy for one person to keep trying.
then again, you can always try the "reassurance" thingy once again. If you really think she is the one, please do treasure her.
Originally posted by mistyblue:change church
there will always be another A-alike person. Nobody can escape such things. the problem lies in the heart and mind. not matter or anybody else.
today is A, tomorrow is his colleague, the next time is his neighbour. It's a never ending thing.
My gf says if I just assure her, she can rest easy even if I'm in a room full of naked girls.
Originally posted by Noughticated:I always thought since I trusted her, her trust should automatically be upon me. That's what I've always expected of her. I didn't do anything but she still can't trust me. So I'm really upset with her. Its as if no matter what I do, I can never make her happy.
Its always about this A person. Whenever A is around, my gf just turns cold and upset. I told my gf that all this pressure, she brought upon herself. Did I do anything right?
Trust is to be earned. And you have not earned her trust.
Would you have trusted her if she had done what you did to her ?
If you think there is another girl out there whom will not behave like your gf after what you did, I say you're just fantasizing.
In time, after more failures you will realize you had it good but you chosen to throw it all away.
So you think it's all her being paranoid ? Then why don;'t you just break it off with her ?