charming as a friend,a boyfriend, a lover but not a hubby.
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Originally posted by delores:
I married him for 8 yrs. We had 2 beautiful kids. To everyone, I was the lucky girl to marry a handsome,charming hubby whose family is quite well to do. then the 2 children. A girl followed by a boy are making a lot of people envy. People like my neighbours are wondering.. a plain jane like me is so fortunate. life is good for me.
No one knew we had an open relationship. He is indeed very charming as a friend , a boyfriend, a lover but not a hubby.
He loves to fling. Right from the start till now... it had been 10 long years. I thought I could just close one eye to it. I conhabit with him, got pregnant then a shot gun marriage at early 20s . Now I am coming to 30. I changed, he did not , he is still the same old guy whom I knew 10 yrs ago. His list of flings became longer, cos new flings are always added to the list and the old list remained.
I am surprised. Some flings are indeed challenging, some girls wanted to let me know that they are around, some girls just want to have the flings even accomodate to his needs and wants. He did not pay for them or pay for their living like some guys did. But the flings just love him. He got the charm to have the free fXXk.
I am confused and tired. He wanted the family and also his flirting ways. I scared of the diseases that he may brought back to the family. He loves the excitement of meeting new girls. This is something I cant do.
I love him till this moment but I dunno what I shld do.
I am terrified of these girls. I am also scared of getting hurt somemore, 10 yrs is enough. I dun want to wait for him at home while he go out and fXXk those girls. This type of pain is really getting unbearable. I know some may tell me in this reality world which guy dun fling. Maybe there is really a minority of guys who are really faithful when they are in the relationship. I dun want to be a bitchy wife who fight with other woman over my hubby. If it belongs to u, it will be yours.
I really dunno how to hold on to this relationship, he said he doesnt know how to love and what is love. So what am I doing in this relationship for the past 10 yrs.
He say he was trapped to the marriage because of the baby.
I wanted to return his freedom back to him, shld I ?
There is a saying if you love somebody, you shld let him be happy.
So if I returned his freedom to him, he will be happy i suppose.
I am a loser rite?
yup u r a loser when it comes to choosing a hubby BUT tat dun mean u r a loser in life... since u got a guy in ur place who dun wanna be there then divorce him.. yes the kid is a problem but then u wun wan a kid who has a openly cheating dad do u...? so go do it and make sure u get ur allowance and half of wat he has... get evidence/fotos too jz in case........after getting all the seperation done then u hv to start moving on with ur life with ur kid along... after learning tis lesson, next time jz go for a gd guy type... good luck!
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10 years already. How many more years of your life are you willing to wait away and waste? If you think that a guy will change after marriage. Yes, he will change and usually for the worse and all the bad habits come out and new one develop, and he will blame you for all of them.
Are you sure you don't know what you want for yourself? Do you deserve this?
Alternatively, divorce is not easy and its a big step for you after 10 years. Think and plan carefully. We are always here for support but there's only so much we can do.
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I guess you have to consider the factors...
Are you able to bring up your kids on your own?
Are you able to move on after that?
I wish you all the best and that you won't suffer all of these emotional agony anymore =)
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sorry for sounding like an ass ... but lots of girls eyes "tah stamp" when it comes to choosing guys ...
so ... he's handsome, his family well to do .... dream situation right ? ... I find it hard to believe that his other character flaws were not visible to you during your courtship at all ..... maybe his physical perfection and his kitty bank overrides all other considerations ? ....
granted, God knows this is a common enough mistake for lots of other ladies ... i've known friends who married some thai tycoon son, who ended up catching VD outside and giving it to her ... who married korean model lookalikes that ended up as wife beaters ....
a handsome face or a big bank account does not a dream husband make .... hope this gets across to the other ladies here ....
if there were no kids involved, I think it would be fairly obvious what you should do, I'd even recommend you a good lawyer ... but since there are kids involved, I'd say you should suffer in silence, for the sake of the children ... the mistake was yours alone, don't make them share in the suffering also ....
and yes you're right, you should take precautions too, if just to protect yourself ... the abovementioned friend didn't catch HIV, thankfully .... but imagine ......
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Your husband has his weakness, which like to flings with women for sex. However, you are not perfect too. 8 years ago taking advantage of his weakness you cohabited with him and even let him short gun you. Why throw away your self-respect as a woman. Was it because you want to marry into his well to do family?
After 8 years I think either of u have change, he is the same old lust and you are the same old greed. Sorry if my word is too strong. Anyway that was the pass and here are the options for you to consider about the current situation
1) The easy way
You can wait until your kids grow up then you want consider to leave him or to stay with him. Hopefully due to aging his sexual need will decline and become a good husband again but the downside is you have to deal with his fling emotionally.
2) The irresponsible way
Walk out of the marriage without your kids and leave them with his will to do family to take care and go and find your own happiness. But your kids will be having emotion problem. Moreover, can u leave your kids behind?
3) The impossible way
Unless your own family is rich then u can bring along your kids and leave him. Your rich family can take care of u and the kids financially plus u can also be a full time mother else you will have not only financial problem and also emotional problem with your kid and yourself. However, this last option is the most lousy one.
As u can see from all the above options, they all have their imperfection. Because nothing is perfect in life. You just have to learn how to deal with imperfections. You are too greedy to ask for a perfect marriage from a not so bad marriage that you are having right now. I would recommend the first option, the choice is still yours and so makes it wise.
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the question is
Are you afraid of losing him? as a breadwinner? as a companion? as the father of your children?
there must be something going on between the two of you, you tolerated his unfaithfulness for 10 years. i would have gutted my wife if she dare to do that to me.
it is never healthy having a partner who have multiple sex partners, you'll never know what you gonna get.
i agree that a divource is an easy way out but it is not the only way.
what would happen to your children?
my advice, find a professional counselor and stop taking advice from forums
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U may think by not gettin a divorce is good for ur children. It is tough bringin up children w/o a partner, but if given a proper assistance or support from frens & family, many can do it.
But it does not mean u cant do it. Kids are surprisingly cleverer than we were in the past. As long as u constantly 'educate' them mentally, they can be alot wiser than u expect them to be. And i duno how much do u love ur kids by stayin in tis r'ship?
Think abt the well being of ur children. Im not sure how much does ur hubby loves ur family. Does he love u or he onli love the children or both? Obviously, me as an outsider cant see the love tat he has, even for his children by his flirtatious ways. U love him, thus bear with the suffer for years. He knows & yet not changing nor even improvin his lifestyle, so y shld u degrade urself further? Havnt u wasted 10 yrs of ur youth with him oready? By sticking with him & expose ur kids in this environment, how good do u think it wll help ur kids?
Pple keep sayin, "For the sake of ur kids, stay married" I wld say, fXXX it, i m definately not goin to expose my kids to such a bad examples in marriage, i wld rather educated them properly myself than to giv them a bad memory / idea abt gettin into marriage.
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thru my experience,
one should always choose to marry another one based on worst case condition ( pessimistic).
After marrage, one should always look on the bright side to solve marriage issues ( optimistic).
Ya... think I will be giving a different point of views towards yr marriage and what may went wrong from your side... I shall apologise first if any1 find this offending...
You have mentioned that you have changed but he has not changed. Yeah... I believed that is the root of your agony now and you do understood y you have changed... So, I guess tat left with y he has not changed...
Probably, this is what is running in his head :-
STD??? yeah... for more than 10yrs, he has not got any of it... why should he stop ?
Kids??? he has been providing whatever his kids' need since day 1...
Guilty??? not a bit... his wife has not been complaining since the day of marriage... y should it be an issue to any of u?
legal??? huh??? he is prepared to accept all possible legal consequences as a compensation
Enjoy??? Ya... y should he stop?
Yeah... I shall be very direct... one of the reasons what went wrong is your failure to control... It is true that guys may not like to be control... but it is also true that it is the control that tells the guys how to love u and reasons to love u...
It is still not too late for you to control if you are willing to throw in the effort... Try to create an opposing force (you, 10yrs of marriage, kids and blah blah) in his head to curb down his bad habit... Dont make it to easy for him... Be patient... slowly by slowly, like how u cure one's addiction, changed him... If the opposing force is strong enough and with time, he will changed... Or else..... Rest your case... Your husband's bad habit is like any of others husband's bad habit except his is .... while others are...
Yeah... I believe that controlling and nagging in the right manner .... can be a form of love... And tat spices relationship up... I probably be the happiest man if I can find a wife that is able to change me without me consciously or sub-consciously resisting a bit...
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Oh! thks TS for the info, hmmm...that means i have to find one not charming, abit ugly and less lovely bf lor. No problem, alot of guys in sgf fit the bill.
As friend, he comes near you and be very friendly to you
As Lover, he touches you and be so lovely to you
As Husband, he eats you and thereafter throw you oneside as spare.
Learn hor, after divorce, dun make the same mistake again.
In the meantime, get evidences of his flirting, sue him, chop him and get huge compensation and shake legs ya. Dun be blind by love, next time, fall in love with your eyes open ok. And finally, he has no more interest in you and family, imagine he can go for sex without thinking of wifey and childrens at home, lame man with no responsibility, know how to fark only but dunno how to take care.
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Originally posted by thehappybunny:
really, get a divorce, a lump sum from him, and let him fling till he gets AIDS and dies
agreed.. -
TS. since he is that way, you can do the same thing.
He says that he doesnt know love. Have flings and see if he's mad, angry etc.
If he's not, then do whatever you want.
My 2nd suggestion is that you can leave him, take the children with you. He claimed that he doenst know what is love, definitely the judge wont give the children to a man who cant love. Get my point?
No money? Get a lum sum from him. Since you'll get full custody, he'll pay you a huge amount of money. No worries. No point of stressing yourself for such a person.
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Originally posted by huzane89:
TS. since he is that way, you can do the same thing.
He says that he doesnt know love. Have flings and see if he's mad, angry etc.
If he's not, then do whatever you want.
My 2nd suggestion is that you can leave him, take the children with you. He claimed that he doenst know what is love, definitely the judge wont give the children to a man who cant love. Get my point?
No money? Get a lum sum from him. Since you'll get full custody, he'll pay you a huge amount of money. No worries. No point of stressing yourself for such a person.
But the problem is she love him very much, and she cannot give up her love for him. So not suka suka go away ya -
I believe before we love anyone, we should love ourselves first. would you let someone you love hurt you that way? He may love her back but he surely doesnt respect her as his wife.
what e.g. s would this show to the children?
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Wow....
After all the talks, we(you) still dunno wat you want!
You have walked the wrong route for more than 10 years....yet somehow you gave me the feeling that the 'wrong' route is actually quite acceptable still...
Fact 1: Your husband is a leopard.
Fact 2: You wish to do something about your situation.
Fact 3: (From impression) You are still economically mobile.
Fact 4: You are still young (dun compare to Angel91210 who's always 20 la)
Fact 5: You can live with your current situation for the sake of your children.
Fact 6: Your horny leopard husband does take care of the family financially.
My 5 cents (yes, I'm a guy, if this info helps):
~ Remain cetera perabus minus sex with your hubby.
~ Start buying insurance for your hubby in benefits to your family in the event he has Aids.
~ No need to go head on with your hubby but if you need someone or have found someone, then you decide whether you wish to take the next step.
~ Before you go head on with your husband, you should have enough saving to care for yourself for at least 6 mths to a year.
What i said is based on my 'Facts' above. Any changes to that will bring the entire cards down.
Delores, delores....
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Originally posted by nehpyh:
Fact 4: You are still young (dun compare to Angel91210 who's always 20 la)
Hello delores,Listen to me, never listen to a presenter, it either he is selling wok at some backlane stall or blarring himself into the empty airwave over the radio selling your soul. But i dun blame him, it is his way of living, just avoid him ya. In animation, he is nothing but a cousin of leopard, the black panther.
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TS i suggest u see a counsellor
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Originally posted by nehpyh:
Wow....
After all the talks, we(you) still dunno wat you want!
You have walked the wrong route for more than 10 years....yet somehow you gave me the feeling that the 'wrong' route is actually quite acceptable still...
Fact 1: Your husband is a leopard.
Fact 2: You wish to do something about your situation.
Fact 3: (From impression) You are still economically mobile.
Fact 4: You are still young (dun compare to Angel91210 who's always 20 la)
Fact 5: You can live with your current situation for the sake of your children.
Fact 6: Your horny leopard husband does take care of the family financially.
My 5 cents (yes, I'm a guy, if this info helps):
~ Remain cetera perabus minus sex with your hubby.
~ Start buying insurance for your hubby in benefits to your family in the event he has Aids.
~ No need to go head on with your hubby but if you need someone or have found someone, then you decide whether you wish to take the next step.
~ Before you go head on with your husband, you should have enough saving to care for yourself for at least 6 mths to a year.
What i said is based on my 'Facts' above. Any changes to that will bring the entire cards down.
Delores, delores....
Hi Delores,
I was thinking...since you have already stay with him for so long...and if he takes care of the family financially (and maybe physically in terms of time with kids etc...), maybe you may consider ignoring his philanderous nature.
There are some women out there who are pretty much cares for their husband but cannot forgive polygamy.
But if, just IF, your hubby happens to be someone decent except being ruled by his dick, and somehow you think that he'll stick by the family at the end of the day, then maybe, just maybe you can consider hanging around with the family.
A 'family' is a complex human organization. Sometimes, self - sacrifices are needed.
Also, how long can he sow his oats for?
If you go the head-on way, your family is definitely gone. If you keep the family, you still have a family, albeit a little tarnished and fractured.
You have to decided if he's worth it; If you are will to sacrifice FOR the family.
Having said that, you may need a balanced life too. If you do meet someone, then maybe then, you can consider starting a new chapter.
P/S: I was kidding with the Angel part...damn should have made it more subtle....! :p
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Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know . -
give him his freedom and find back your pride.
for ur own good, and for the sake of ur children, leave him for the better.
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Originally posted by BrUtUs:
yup u r a loser when it comes to choosing a hubby BUT tat dun mean u r a loser in life... since u got a guy in ur place who dun wanna be there then divorce him.. yes the kid is a problem but then u wun wan a kid who has a openly cheating dad do u...? so go do it and make sure u get ur allowance and half of wat he has... get evidence/fotos too jz in case........after getting all the seperation done then u hv to start moving on with ur life with ur kid along... after learning tis lesson, next time jz go for a gd guy type... good luck!
I also think I am a loser..... that y hide in the forum. -
pls u are already a mum, need to think more mature. spare a thought for ur kid. u dun want ur kid to have such a father like him right?
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Originally posted by delores:
I also think I am a loser..... that y hide in the forum.
step 1 - stop thinking of yourself as a loser.. you are only a loser if you choose to be one.. make the decision to be more assertive.. try your damnest to increase your self-esteem...step 2 - get help.. get support..
step 3 - figure out what you want in life.. you are not a throwaway piece to be used for your husband so stop behaving like one..
step 4 - stop thinking and being a loser...
good luck!
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Originally posted by delores:
I also think I am a loser..... that y hide in the forum.
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Self esteem issues. Know this: No one can help you unless you help yourself first. You can pray to whatever god, they will tell you this same thing. That is if you believe in god. But as a universal truth, if youc annot help yourself as a first step, you cannot help your kids and is just doing a disservice to them
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Originally posted by BotaHead:
Your husband has his weakness, which like to flings with women for sex. However, you are not perfect too. 8 years ago taking advantage of his weakness you cohabited with him and even let him short gun you. Why throw away your self-respect as a woman. Was it because you want to marry into his well to do family?
After 8 years I think either of u have change, he is the same old lust and you are the same old greed. Sorry if my word is too strong. Anyway that was the pass and here are the options for you to consider about the current situation
1) The easy way
You can wait until your kids grow up then you want consider to leave him or to stay with him. Hopefully due to aging his sexual need will decline and become a good husband again but the downside is you have to deal with his fling emotionally.
2) The irresponsible way
Walk out of the marriage without your kids and leave them with his will to do family to take care and go and find your own happiness. But your kids will be having emotion problem. Moreover, can u leave your kids behind?
3) The impossible way
Unless your own family is rich then u can bring along your kids and leave him. Your rich family can take care of u and the kids financially plus u can also be a full time mother else you will have not only financial problem and also emotional problem with your kid and yourself. However, this last option is the most lousy one.
As u can see from all the above options, they all have their imperfection. Because nothing is perfect in life. You just have to learn how to deal with imperfections. You are too greedy to ask for a perfect marriage from a not so bad marriage that you are having right now. I would recommend the first option, the choice is still yours and so makes it wise.
botahead...When I read your msg.... I broke down. sadly again
this three mths... I used up the amount of tears I used in 10yrs.
I am 28 tis yr. I did think through why I married him in the first place. I conhabit with him for 2-3 yrs before I get married to him
I am married for 8yrs. So actually I got 3 yrs to think and commit to this marriage. but at that time , what I only want is a family , a family and a baby that I called my own. I dun think this is materialistic. I agreed, His family is wealthy and I threw away the self- respect of a woman to gain these. but dun the adults taught us to fight for what we want..
At 17 , I met a guy who is handsome, charming, doesnt have any tendency of being violent , have a job , family well to do .
He doesnt treat you badly and he gives in to you .pamper you.
Since at that time, I thought that girls eventually get married, this man appeared. will I find a guy who I had to suffered with him over the next meal-
贫贱夫妻百事哀
or a guy who at least can provide me with a comfortable life whom I do not need to worry about the next meal.
I dun buy Lv , or other branded stuff. I dun buy diamonds or a lot of money stashed under my pillows.
You see... I thought when guys mature, they will change. I am waiting but he did not.
The woman outside is always better than the wife at home.
I threw away the self-respect as a woman to marry him but
I just want some pride as a wife. issit too much to ask .
I dun have the ability to bring up the kids.
I dun have the courage to walk away (I am a coward.)
I wont divorce him rather I will wait for him to divorce me then .
because I still love him and my heart is not dead yet. But when he really want a divorce, I promise I will let it go . ..
I love my family because It is mine. belongs to me.
Who is not greedy.... I have a nice hubby, 2 nice kids and a nice family with an a bit above family income. is this consider greedy
He likes buffet style of woman. A lot of variety.
Sometimes I just felt that he is a fine example of PRC woman pattern sg style. small fat thin skinny ugly old young....
international flavours incl. sg
I started to feel disgusted and I feel tired.
Tired to hold on.
I dun believe in commit suicide. stupid move though.
Mentally tired... trying to fight them off....