Parents don't approve GF
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yes the traditional of convert to islam and taking the girl's name for marriage is hurtful to pride of a chinese family mindset. its like marrying into the girl's family... to chinese culture, the family's face is covered with cloth...
Rednano:
That is a misconception, I am allowed to choose my own name. But the point is, I'm not about to burn bridges here. If it happens, it's cos my parents burnt the bridge on their side =(
A name should be respectable and meaningful that's all. If its a legacy I wish to pass down, I'd make sure I've done something great in my life that my future generations will remember. Not just cos "I'm called Tan cos some old guy who died 100 years ago was called Tan". That was what I meant by the vainity of attaching too much value to surnames. It makes people who think this way perfer sons to daughters. But its just my thinking which I apply to myself only. If you value tradition I respect that.
The thing is, I love my girl so I'm not gonna break up, much less for the reasons my parents already given me. As much as they are my parents, I cannot obey if they tell me not to date a malay or indian or whatever. It's not just a preference for chinese which I am fine; It's the rejection of others purely because of their race which I am against. If I follow my parents wishes, I will feel like I'm a "crap bag" for what I've done.
I'm young. So? Cannot have malay girlfren?
I appologise for the bluntness of the line above but I'm quite shag now to think of a nice way to phrase it. You don't suddenly get married what. Of course must start dating first. I'm complaining my parents object to me being with my girlfren. Not complaining that my parents "don't allow" me to marry her. Although that would be a terrible scenario.
Thanks for the heads up. I've already considered the points you listed long ago. If I love her enough to marry her it won't be a problem. But its for the future to decide, not the biased views of my parents. Que sera sera.
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what's up with this que sera sera thingy.. my friend with a malay bf also put this as her nick...( I know it meant whatever will be will be)
I think rednano meant you're still 23, career and everything else still just taking off or what.. so marriage or commitment might be a bit too early to say.. how long have you been with this girl?
if you have truly made up your mind, maybe you should just go your way.. irregardless of what will come since you have already think of those points so long ago.. nothing we asked to know more about the situation will help anyway?
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Rednano has good points. I only have one thing to add - seems like only one party is doing all the sacrificing or even willing to consider it. I hope I am wrong about that.
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You are right. I have made up my mind to push on. I'm not undecided here.
What I don't know is how to make my parents accept us being together.
And I'm not getting married!! Lol... I'm 23! I said they don't approve my gf not my fiancee!
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Well one of my friends married a muslim girl against his parents wishes and they didn't talk till the grandchild was born
He told me that once the baby was born, everything was back to normal and they accepted his wife.
Maybe find out your parents concerns and maybe ask them to be logical.
Would they prefer their son to be with a Chinese girl though her charc is not good but just because she is Chinese than a Muslim girl of good charc.
Not sure how I can adv you here because I married another race but I'm lucky that my parents were supportive of my decision.
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Anyway maybe your gf have to slowly gain your parents trust and favour.
It could be easier if you start working on your siblings because if your brothers support you, likely you will gain your parents support too
And this can't be done alone. You will need your GF to change your parents mind. Both of you have to do it together
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Originally posted by R3D3V1L:
You are right. I have made up my mind to push on. I'm not undecided here.
What I don't know is how to make my parents accept us being together.
And I'm not getting married!! Lol... I'm 23! I said they don't approve my gf not my fiancee!
I see.. easy task. stay with your gf from now on.
1-3 yrs they will say or nag you.
4-6 yrs will slow down in nagging.
7-9 yrs will not be bothered.
<10 years they will change their views but still won't compromise.
<15 years they will just give up and you can marry your gf.
ahh.. end of story..
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Originally posted by Rednano:
if ur own parents really disown for example u, u not regret for life?
i like to remind u guys my dad always says when i had occasionally arguements with my mum, "remember, son, u can only say and call us 'mummy' and 'daddy' for a few more years only..."
with marriage may come the risk of divorce, so in a way, wife can change with re-marry. parents by blood ties can't change...
yes the traditional of convert to islam and taking the girl's name for marriage is hurtful to pride of a chinese family mindset. its like marrying into the girl's family... to chinese culture, the family's face is covered with cloth...
my ex-primary school teacher is also an interracial marriage, chinese married to an indian. faith wise, both r christians. the teacher is a woman.if your parents disowned you they can't change the blood in you... your parents is not going to be with you all your life right? slowly let them forgive you... make your decision right prove it to them.. rather then be a coward and stay in the nest.. you will never grow this way..
no matter what your parents won't hold grudges against you.. they are your parents for god sake.. they will try to accept
TS, try to sit down with your parents and have a good conversation.. tell them u really like your gf..
religon is your own decision.. don't be a muslim if its against your will
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Originally posted by cuddles:
I see.. easy task. stay with your gf from now on.
1-3 yrs they will say or nag you.
4-6 yrs will slow down in nagging.
7-9 yrs will not be bothered.
<10 years they will change their views but still won't compromise.
<15 years they will just give up and you can marry your gf.
ahh.. end of story..
not all couple like that...
my mum and dad is still 1 lovely couple.. and wadever they say make my hair stands -
TS,
I somewhat could understand your situation... My dad's a chinese and my mum's a malay... Lucky for you, the girls family could accept you...
For my parents, when they started dating, both sides of the family rejected to this idea.. I guess it was because of the mindset during that time,,,
From what my parents told me, they had lots of obstacles... From my mum's side, they tried to have an arranged marriage for my mum... But she strongly refuse... My dad side, his parents gave him the silent treatment... This was when they were just dating...
When they really got serious, my dad came to my maternal grandparents house to ask for my mum's hand of marriage,.. He didnt tell me the full details on this one...
When they got married, my dad convert to Islam BTW, my mum side was beginning to accept him... My paternal grandparents were still cold to him... Until my eldest brother was born...
About the name, no need to worry... I have a muslim name with my fathers surname in front...
Even if your parents say that they will disregard you as the eldest son, they actually wont... Even if the put it in action, in their heart, you are still they eldest... Just be patient and be strong... You could try and bring home your GF to intro to you parents.. But they will be very cold at 1st... Your GF must really learn how to impress them and be strong...
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It could be easier if you start working on your siblings because if your brothers support you, likely you will gain your parents support too
And this can't be done alone. You will need your GF to change your parents mind. Both of you have to do it together
elindra:
Thanks so much! Why didn't I think of this before.
Well one of my friends married a muslim girl against his parents wishes and they didn't talk till the grandchild was born
He told me that once the baby was born, everything was back to normal and they accepted his wife.
Haha... This is the scenario I hope to avoid in the future if I marry this girl. Even though now we are only steady. One thing leads to another.
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Originally posted by R3D3V1L:
elindra:
Thanks so much! Why didn't I think of this before.
Haha... This is the scenario I hope to avoid in the future if I marry this girl. Even though now we are only steady. One thing leads to another.
Haha coz my hubby was the smart one and quickly won my brother over :PSo learn from him ^^ and after that my brother only have good things to say about him until my relatives all shut up also
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Show them that malays not only know how to make babies...
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Originally posted by White_SoulReaper:
TS,
I somewhat could understand your situation... My dad's a chinese and my mum's a malay... Lucky for you, the girls family could accept you...
For my parents, when they started dating, both sides of the family rejected to this idea.. I guess it was because of the mindset during that time,,,
From what my parents told me, they had lots of obstacles... From my mum's side, they tried to have an arranged marriage for my mum... But she strongly refuse... My dad side, his parents gave him the silent treatment... This was when they were just dating...
When they really got serious, my dad came to my maternal grandparents house to ask for my mum's hand of marriage,.. He didnt tell me the full details on this one...
When they got married, my dad convert to Islam BTW, my mum side was beginning to accept him... My paternal grandparents were still cold to him... Until my eldest brother was born...
About the name, no need to worry... I have a muslim name with my fathers surname in front...
Even if your parents say that they will disregard you as the eldest son, they actually wont... Even if the put it in action, in their heart, you are still they eldest... Just be patient and be strong... You could try and bring home your GF to intro to you parents.. But they will be very cold at 1st... Your GF must really learn how to impress them and be strong...
Wah ok. I feel lucky now that my case not so jialat. Thanks for sharing. I did. They were very frenly to her until they realise she cannot speak chinese... then....
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Originally posted by youyayu:
not all couple like that...
my mum and dad is still 1 lovely couple.. and wadever they say make my hair standsI don't mean couple life.. i meant the parents attitude to the couple..
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Originally posted by R3D3V1L:
Wah ok. I feel lucky now that my case not so jialat. Thanks for sharing. I did. They were very frenly to her until they realise she cannot speak chinese... then....
Aiya you can teach her how to speak Chinese and she can teach you Malay ^^My cousin married a Fillipino girl whom he got to know in his course of work and now she speaks fluent Hainanese and Mandarin :x
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Originally posted by cuddles:
I don't mean couple life.. i meant the parents attitude to the couple..
0.o
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sigh.. i'm sorry to hear that. =(
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would like to share some experiences.. i am chinese and have dated a malay before..
that time still young so like not yet serious at all. i did not tell my parents but his family object like crazy. even got once the boy's mother call my house ask to speak to my parents and want to tell them to stop me from seeing their son. luckily it was my brother who picked up the phone! my brother is really nice to me and he did not tell my parents but just talked to me ask me to think about things carefully.
eventually we broke up not but it was not because of any family pressure. anyway if you are in a serious relationship with a malay you must be prepared that if you are to get married. you will have to convert to muslim. this is the main reason why most parents cannot accept - the change in religion is too drastic. are you prepared to do that? if you are considering a long term relationship then you must really think about this carefully and find out more information (maybe from the girl) about what it means to convert. the girl won't be allowed to marry a non-muslim (in some countries you can be put to death if you want to change your religion from Muslim to others!).
I have a girl friend who converted to muslim and eloped with her malay boyfriend and got married because her parents object to it. After a few years, she has 2 boys and her family has gotten used to the whole thing and accepted her again. But of course relationship is not the same as before, you would have to be prepared for this too.
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A lot of ingredient in a Chinese kitchen contains Pork.
You sure you want to convert to Islam?
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Originally posted by ceecookie:
A lot of ingredient in a Chinese kitchen contains Pork.
You sure you want to convert to Islam?i love pork too much.
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I'm going a little further with my inter racial relationship (muslim x christian) in that we both aren't attempting for religious conversion, so estrangement is expected from both of our family.
Originally posted by R3D3V1L:I'm quite sad my parents have an issue over this. Any advice?
Originally posted by Rednano:if ur own parents really disown for example u, u not regret for life?
I'd like to share this is for R3D3V1L, at the same time, as a reply of Rednano's.
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. -
Originally posted by Gauze:
I'm going a little further with my inter racial relationship (muslim x christian) in that we both aren't attempting for religious conversion, so estrangement is expected from both of our family.
I'd like to share this is for R3D3V1L, at the same time, as a reply of Rednano's.
wow, like that means can never marry rite? dunno if civil partnership extends beyond gays to heterosexual couples. don't agree with your archer and arrow analogy. the archer can forcefully choose the arrow's path.
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Originally posted by ceecookie:
A lot of ingredient in a Chinese kitchen contains Pork.
You sure you want to convert to Islam?Luckily, beef is my favourite =D don't like pork very much. other than bacon and pork floss buns =p hate pork chops, char siew and stuff...
Got one time my fren a buddist went out to eat with me and my girl who is also allergic to seafood. No pork, no beef, no seafood
happy days -
Originally posted by parn:
Why need to cut his bro???
assuming he wan 2 b wif her 4ever + she stays muslim then mean he hv to convert so tat means he need to slice(skin) lo..