shd i wait for him?
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Originally posted by gal_2004:
thanks for all the replies.. :)
my heart is telling me i shd wait, but then the things he said really hurt me alot.. i feel he's not putting effort in understanding y i was so 'sticky' to him.. well, normally guys enjoy freedom but gals need the assurance mah..
and yes, our problem isnt v.big, in fact we got plans of settling down in 2-3yrs' time.. but seems like he dowan to carry on anymore, he keep telling me not to waste my time on him, it's not worth to do anymore things for him. he told me he's tired of doing things for me coz he dont feel appreciated..
haiz, so how can i make him feel appreciated? i'd tried to have a gd talk with him, but he dowan to listen to me anymore. dont reply my sms or calls anymore.. i really v.heartbroken..
Dear TS, a girl must also have her own life. Sometimes absence can make a heart grow fonder. You must also learn to be self-sufficient and not overly rely on him too much for attention and emotional support. During the time when he's away, you can choose to expand your social circle by making more friends and going out with others. Even if you are an introvert, you can fill your time up with activities or go take up some courses or lessons at the CC or some clubs. That way, you can know other great people without having to be an extrovert.
Girls are usually more attractive to guys when they don't have to depend on them SOLELY for attention and emotional support. However, that is not to say girls shouldn't need guys. Guys love to feel being depended on. The difference is that you CHOOSE TO look to him for support, not that he is the ONLY life buoy you can cling to. By expanding your social circle, you demonstrate that you can also have a life of your own and when you spend time with him, you are CHOOSING to be with him.
Not only that, have you look within yourself and ask yourself whether he is satisfying your needs too? If he did not, trying to please him is going to backfire in the long run because you have also been overlooking your needs.
Originally posted by dumbdumb!:i think... both parties should be concerned over the needs of the other party over their own needs. it takes two hands to clap ya. if the girl wants the guy to care for her needs, she must also coorperate to take care of his needs. if he's too busy fighting for his "rights" and "space" and "needs" he definitely no energy to love her.
Have you seriously sit down to think through whether the both of you are compatible? Sometimes, a relationship is not measured by the number of years together (sure it may be a pity to give up your relationship after being together for so long) but by whether the both of you are able to grow and progress together in a relationship.
There are cases of people who like each other but find that they are not suitable for each other (in terms of characters for e.g.), that's where you have couples breaking up amicably even if it is not over a fight.
Originally posted by rainee:if he is unable to divide his time between his family, friends and his girlfriend, then it is clear that he is not ready for a relationship at this moment.
TS is not selfish to demand for time from her bf. That's what a bf should do, spend time with his gf. What makes her less important than his family and friends until she should take second place compared to them?
Originally posted by dumbdumb!:then what is a relationship all about? only being there during the good times, but if for a moment, he is not able to meet your needs, you look for the next person?
now if you have this attitude, what will happen during marriage? "For better and for worse" isn't applicable anymore? if girls start thinking like that, can they be trusted?
might as well hang a conditional clause around your neck
"I'm willing to be attached to you, but the moment the condition isn't comfortable and I don't have the warm fuzzy feelings, I'll leave you for someone else, Sorry, but working through the hard times with you isn't within my comfort zone, I rather go for greener pasture, but it's ok, you can definitely "trust" me with your heart *wink* "
Originally posted by gal_2004:my bf of 5yrs recently broke up wif me, citing i wasnt understanding enough. he's in ns now and only book out during wkends. as a gf, i of coz will miss him and wanna spend more time with him mah.
he said i'm too "sticky", he wants to have his own freedom, and sometimes wanna go out with other friends instead of me.. but i really not understanding enough, keep insisting on meeting him and he feels that his life is v.restricted and he cant do the things he want.
we broke up 1week ago, but 1mth ago he still asked me whether i'm willing to wait afew more mths for him before he ord. and i told him i will wait for him. the problem is, i think we both still love each other, but i dunno why he still wanna break up?
he keep saying i dont appreciate wat he had ever done for me.. and i'm not understanding enough, coz i keep complaining he dont spend much time with me.. and he ask me dont waste anymore time on him, it's not worth it.. haiz.. i dunno whether wat he said is really frm his heart or not.. i dunno whether i shd continue to wait for him or not.. but he did mention, "i thought our r/s was v.stable this time, and i thought u will understand me, but u didnt.."
Have you ever heard of the book "The Five Love Languages"? http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html
It could be that both of you love each other and are compatible but are speaking different languages. Many people assume that by doing for your partner what you would love yourself, you are showing your partner love the way you would like to be loved. That is not true. Sometimes, what is important to you may not be as important to your partner and vice versus.
For example, you may love eating pizza with lots of cheese. By baking your partner a nice big pizza with lots of cheese, you may think that he would feel that you love him very much cos you are sacrificing your pizza to him because you love him. On the other hand, perhaps you didnt realize he HATES pizza esp with lots of cheese. He may secretly think that you are out to torture him by giving a BIG pizza with lots and lots of cheese.
From what I've read, I can only guess that your primary love language is Quality Time
and his primary love language is Words of Affirmation. -
May I suggest some reading you can do by yourself? Try borrowing this book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman from the Library. It may open up your eyes.
From the site: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html
Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.
Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence.
Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.
An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.
Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.It could all be a big misunderstanding. But by denying one's own needs to please another, it is never the way nor is it healthy. Perhaps when addressing each other, you guys need to take care to speak to one's specific needs? Give him what he wants and ask him to give you what you want.
Let him know what you think but give him the space he needs meanwhile, while at the same time, find ways to relax and pamper your own self. You deserve some lone self-loving time too! There are many ways a girl can love herself. By doing up a new hairdo, dolling up, or spending time at your favorite hobbies or go find new friends to talk to.
I wish you all the best
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This is a quality vs quantity question. Quality refers to that of a relationship while quantiy refers to the amount of time spent together in a relationship. Would u justify this as quality or quantity?