Part 1 of my life
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Get out of this relationship now. While you still can. He puts you down, refuses to take your side just so he can keep his friends happy. And so on.
Like this, already fail as an ordinary friend, much less a future husband.
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You need to be strong yourself, before you can render a hand?
But you are crumbling already.
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Good, relax some more.
You're beginnning to see where the problem lies.
yes, you may not know how to reject him, but you've got to learn some point in time.
Depending on individual's character, it's very hard to say No. in fact, it takes alot of courage to do so.
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Originally posted by av98m:
Get out of this relationship now. While you still can. He puts you down, refuses to take your side just so he can keep his friends happy. And so on.
Like this, already fail as an ordinary friend, much less a future husband.
Its very hard for her.
It would take alot for her to even get out, i presume.
Its already been 5 yrs?
The emotional bond she has with him is Wooohoo!
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I have to admit very frankly, initial start I adhered by the list of things I have stated, but now I missed out one - the comparison part.
Mayb I did things the wrong way - I tried making him see things from my stand by comparing.
Take for example - I will compare - That time I remember my dad was in hosp, after a major op, I was there most of the time, and it was near to xmas. He was discharged only after xmas. But, my fiance was nagging and nagging and saying how can we be spending xmas in hosp, we should be out enjoying ourselves. Plus, isn't it enough we pop by to see him already, why's the need to stay till xmas over? I compared - I told him straight in the face, if that's his dad lying there, and I am telling him the things he is telling me now. How would he feel? --> Is this compare? I felt in a way it is.
For the recent 2 yrs together, I started using comparing, like the above example, to let him see things from my view, how he would feel if the same things are happening to him. -
Originally posted by seotiblizzard:
Its very hard for her.
It would take alot for her to even get out, i presume.
Its already been 5 yrs?
The emotional bond she has with him is Wooohoo!
Of course its very difficult.But a lifetime of this? Good lord. Better now than a messy divorce later on.
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Sorry to be harsh.
But you are giving yourself excuses to stay in this.
From wad i can see, i dont think you want out.
You just need a plce to whine?
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That's not comparison HelloKittyFan, that's merely describing a scenario to him. He is just not committed to the relationship.
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Originally posted by HelloKittyFan:
I have to admit very frankly, initial start I adhered by the list of things I have stated, but now I missed out one - the comparison part.
Mayb I did things the wrong way - I tried making him see things from my stand by comparing.
Take for example - I will compare - That time I remember my dad was in hosp, after a major op, I was there most of the time, and it was near to xmas. He was discharged only after xmas. But, my fiance was nagging and nagging and saying how can we be spending xmas in hosp, we should be out enjoying ourselves. Plus, isn't it enough we pop by to see him already, why's the need to stay till xmas over? I compared - I told him straight in the face, if that's his dad lying there, and I am telling him the things he is telling me now. How would he feel? --> Is this compare? I felt in a way it is.
For the recent 2 yrs together, I started using comparing, like the above example, to let him see things from my view, how he would feel if the same things are happening to him.wa lan.. u tink u still 3 year old ar... still using reverse psychology... oh well... as long as it works right?
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if u are asking me if i am jus seeking a place to whine, to complain, etc.
I am sorry, actually, I am at a loss myself also.
I don't know wat to do, I am confused, I just want to rot my day away.
At times, I realli felt like giving him a slap across the face, and tell him to wake up (mayb I should be the one to wake up instead).
I am well-known among frenz to be strong; independent.
Mayb 5 yrs is a long bond, dats y it's hard to leave? --> I dunno.I know I cannot carry on like this, I dunno if I am doing the right things.
But, from the initial start of putting him first in my life, putting him before me, I have more or less let go over the years to there are other ppl in my life who needs my care and concern plus love as well. Be it frenz or family.
I never rely on him to solve my things, rely on him in watever situations I am in. Cos, I know he can't help, neither will he.
In a way, I have broken away from the old me where he's the only person in my life and my life revolves ard him. My life now consists of other people rather than only him.Is this consider wanting out? Or consider not wanting out?
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Originally posted by HelloKittyFan:
Why I love him in the first place?
Friendly
Cheerful
Always willing to offer help
'Anything' type
But, in a way, all these still holds true, but towards frenz, not fiancee.
I dunno ware Fiancee stands, mayb at the end of the row.Hiaz.
To say truth, I also met someone of late who fits your list but am starting to feel strange because I don't see all that good stuff happening to me. He seems unreachable. Well, that's another story which I might post at a later time on AA. I think women have this intuition built in their system when they feel things are out of balance. But the funny thing is, a lot of us women choose to ignore the uncomfortable feelings and sometimes even good friends' advice so as to pursue the giddy toxicating "love" feeling that certain guy give us. We are after that high almost like a drug, choosing to ignore all signals we find strange of a guy, choosing to put all these signals one side so as to feel "love". We give more and more in a relationship hoping that he would give back to even out this imbalance, hoping that he would realize soon enough what a fine woman we are. But it doesn't work this way. You voice out your unhappiness and he defers by saying he will do it but you don't see it coming. The more you give, the more he takes, until it becomes like his god given rights. You do not expect much from him, but the least you ask of him when you do need his help, he grumbles saying it's too much to ask of him and it all ends up on a very unhappy note because, 1) either he chooses to ignore or pretend he's forgotten about your pleas for help, or 2) he does the thing that you require but make known his unhappiness very clearly as if you are nothing but trouble! Hey, who was all the way there for him when he needs help even without asking?
To put it simply, this is just a relationship to him out of convenience. Which scumbag would refuse when there is a woman in his life who offer to help clean up his mess while providing him a free not having to work for female companion? Pardon me HelloKittyFan, I'm going to get very crude here. See? He doesn't even have to offer his entire month's pay for a night with you! You came into his life, he doesn't respect you and he sees that you don't leave but only express unhappiness about it. So he sometimes coax you, sometimes ignores you, sometimes being sweet to you... all at his convenience! While at times when it matters the most, he is not there for you.
Above are my personal experience in my previous unhappy marriage, for your reference. So if it's like this already before marriage, I think it's going to be much much worse after. It was a lot of agony for me to come to a decision to leave my marriage. When I told him about my decision, suddenly he agreed to go for counselling! (which I had repeatedly told him to before this decision but which he refused) There will be a lot of patterns coming upon the decision of wanting to break, be it a marriage or just a relationship, but I want to tell you that should you come to this decision, stay strong. There is a reason why I've posted certain links on my past threads because I do see a pattern among certain guys. If you don't mind, go read them.
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from a 3rd party point of view:
he is nasty to you
his family is nasty to you
the writing is on the wall. time to get out or endure a lifetime of misery.
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5 years and u're alr half-dead. What do u think will happen in the future?
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Originally posted by HelloKittyFan:
if u are asking me if i am jus seeking a place to whine, to complain, etc.
I am sorry, actually, I am at a loss myself also. (girl, learn not to apologise for needing help. We deserve to be helped. Know your worth girl. Love yourself.)
I don't know wat to do, I am confused, I just want to rot my day away. (It is normal to feel confuse. More importantly, know what to do soon.)
At times, I realli felt like giving him a slap across the face, and tell him to wake up (mayb I should be the one to wake up instead). -- (You have done much much more than you could. You do not need to scrutinize your list on what have you not done or what went wrong that you might be able to remedy. You are not a superwoman. You deserve love, fun and a blame-free relationship.)
I am well-known among frenz to be strong; independent.
Mayb 5 yrs is a long bond, dats y it's hard to leave? --> I dunno.I know I cannot carry on like this, I dunno if I am doing the right things.
But, from the initial start of putting him first in my life, putting him before me, I have more or less let go over the years to there are other ppl in my life who needs my care and concern plus love as well. Be it frenz or family.
I never rely on him to solve my things, rely on him in watever situations I am in. Cos, I know he can't help, neither will he. -- (do you want such a useless guy in your life when there are so many men out there still single and lonely complaining of no good women for them to fawn over and pamper? Accept love, reject rubbish.)
In a way, I have broken away from the old me where he's the only person in my life and my life revolves ard him. My life now consists of other people rather than only him. -- (I applaud you for redirecting your love to those who deserve it)Is this consider wanting out? Or consider not wanting out?
I was in my marriage for 7 years, before I woke up to realize that I could not picture myself living this life with him forever.
I understand the confusion part because just merely 2 years into the marriage, even my colleagues have been hinting "should I get divorce" when I told them some of my woes. At that point, the idea of divorce hadn't even pop up in my mind yet.
But then it was seeded and I toyed with the idea in my mind, but felt immediately guilty afterwards. How could I just want the easy way out? Women are by nature not abandoners. So I decided to put in more effort in my marriage, to help him out whenever I can.
But then again, life in a marriage, there will always be a lot of issues beside just love. And when things are fine, we have had happy times together. But when things are not, you start to see him shrinking his responsibilities, deny his responsibilities and even blame his responsibilities on guess who? YOU.
Yes, your mind is wanting out. Your sentimentality however, clings stubbornly onto those happy memories that you both have had and is feeling guilty. But hey girl, brush aside those happy times. Traumatic as it seems, look clearly in the face at those times when he ditched you, ignore you in your sorry plight. If you ignore all that, I'm sure there will be more of such coming to add to your traumatic "collection", and even then, I hope you will not be cuddling all those happy memories of him and thinking of his "potential" as you've seen of him in your initial good impression of him, to sleep.
I feel so much for you. I know you need a good hug and cry. Come, Let me give you a good virtual hug, strong woman. At times, I know that actually, the stronger and more capable we women are, the more we actually crave for someone out there to show that they care. That we need not be as strong and tough the way we have been so accustomed all along to deal with life. Let me give you a good hug girl. The forumnites here are rooting for you.
Hugz.
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In a way, what YouDonKnowMe is true.
I am jus a free labour.
Recently, many things have happened in my life, mostly family, I do need a break, at the same time I will use the break to think over things as well, esp how I have lived for the past 5 yrs.
Very frankly, I wanted out, but I guess I dun have the will.
I said it once before, and many kinds of patterns pop up. Stalking, missing work jus to go ard finding me, calling my frenz, wait for me at my place etc.
I gave up, and dat decision is something I do regret now. I should have insisted.
I do desperately need a break, I jus gave him a text, telling him we dun mit up for the time being. -
Originally posted by HelloKittyFan:
In a way, what YouDonKnowMe is true.
I am jus a free labour.
Recently, many things have happened in my life, mostly family, I do need a break, at the same time I will use the break to think over things as well, esp how I have lived for the past 5 yrs.
Very frankly, I wanted out, but I guess I dun have the will.
I said it once before, and many kinds of patterns pop up. Stalking, missing work jus to go ard finding me, calling my frenz, wait for me at my place etc.
I gave up, and dat decision is something I do regret now. I should have insisted.
I do desperately need a break, I jus gave him a text, telling him we dun mit up for the time being."I said it once before, and many kinds of patterns pop up. Stalking, missing work jus to go ard finding me, calling my frenz, wait for me at my place etc."
Egads. Get help from your friends. You'll need all the help and support you can get to get out of this.
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YouDonKnowMe, u hit a nail.
Dats how I felt, I do wanna a hug and a cry.
But it's hard, I dun wanna my frenz to start worrying wats happened to me, esp they have a feeling that I can go thru watever that comes.
I am strong, and I will be. Haiz!! That's life.
I jus wanna my pillow and a good cry now. -
No matter how strong you are, there are bound to have times of weakness. Thts where your friends are there for u.
Have a good cry, and when its done, look up and walk on.
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Originally posted by HelloKittyFan:
I have to admit very frankly, initial start I adhered by the list of things I have stated, but now I missed out one - the comparison part.
Mayb I did things the wrong way - I tried making him see things from my stand by comparing.
Take for example - I will compare - That time I remember my dad was in hosp, after a major op, I was there most of the time, and it was near to xmas. He was discharged only after xmas. But, my fiance was nagging and nagging and saying how can we be spending xmas in hosp, we should be out enjoying ourselves. Plus, isn't it enough we pop by to see him already, why's the need to stay till xmas over? I compared - I told him straight in the face, if that's his dad lying there, and I am telling him the things he is telling me now. How would he feel? --> Is this compare? I felt in a way it is.
For the recent 2 yrs together, I started using comparing, like the above example, to let him see things from my view, how he would feel if the same things are happening to him.I repeat: You have done much much more than you could. You do not need to scrutinize your list on what have you not done or what went wrong that you might be able to remedy. You are not a superwoman. You deserve love, fun and a blame-free relationship.
You deserve a better man, a better future. Have you ever consider then, after almost exhausting your list on how to improve this relationship, maybe what you did wrong is,
you chose the wrong guy.
Simply put, he is totally wrong for you.
The reason why you start comparing is because your internal guts is trying to tell you something is very wrong. Maybe he is wrong.
Maybe he will never ever stop imposing his weird sense of ideas to you such as commenting on how he would spend his entire pay for a night on one of those retail girls, or calling you ridiculous for worrying a family member just before a major operation.
Think about it.
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Originally posted by HelloKittyFan:
YouDonKnowMe, u hit a nail.
Dats how I felt, I do wanna a hug and a cry.
But it's hard, I dun wanna my frenz to start worrying wats happened to me, esp they have a feeling that I can go thru watever that comes.
I am strong, and I will be. Haiz!! That's life.
I jus wanna my pillow and a good cry now.Honey! I understand so well because that is me too!
Hugz
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dump him lah.
wat u waiting for.
his c*ck is big owat.
disgrace my name leh u.
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Originally posted by HelloKittyFan:
In a way, what YouDonKnowMe is true.
I am jus a free labour.
Recently, many things have happened in my life, mostly family, I do need a break, at the same time I will use the break to think over things as well, esp how I have lived for the past 5 yrs.
Very frankly, I wanted out, but I guess I dun have the will.
I said it once before, and many kinds of patterns pop up. Stalking, missing work jus to go ard finding me, calling my frenz, wait for me at my place etc.
I gave up, and dat decision is something I do regret now. I should have insisted.
I do desperately need a break, I jus gave him a text, telling him we dun mit up for the time being.You need to persist. IGNORE ALL THAT. Patterns like this promising false promises to change will keep coming your way. Have absolutely no contact with him no matter how he yell you heartless. I know I know girl.. I've been through all that tough times. You will feel indignant because you're not as "heartless" as he proclaims and you want to retaliate to tell him that you're not.
And once contact has been establish and you two meet, say hello to vicious cycle all over again.
God, how I wish I had internet connection those years back then for me to pour out my woes onto this forum!
There is a name for this method of breaking away from such unhealthy relationships. It's call "Starve the Vampire." I think you should be abe to google this term and find related articles to it.
I have been doing a lot of readings on my own because I realize to have a healthy relationship, I have to be emotionally healthy myself to recognize what is healthy and what is not for me. Even then, it's been hard, like I almost fell for something unhealthy recently. Almost.
Starve the Vampire!
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Oh please.... please please please... leave this guy...
this guy is not worthy of your time and love. He is damn selfish and self centered... he cares about himself, frens and family more than he cares for you. From what you have said... he seems to put you bottom of his priorities... he does not care for you.. his family is not that friendly also... please leave him and find a better guy that cherishes you.
Lastly, when you decide to leave him... please do it in a mean way... like on his birthday or infront of his frens... this kind of people no need to give face.
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Oh ya... by leaving him... its not only good for you... its good for that F**ker SOB... he needs to wake up his F**King ideas and learn how to love a girl in the proper way... This kind of F**king bastard disgraces the males...
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Originally posted by HelloKittyFan:
YouDonKnowMe, u hit a nail.
Dats how I felt, I do wanna a hug and a cry.
But it's hard, I dun wanna my frenz to start worrying wats happened to me, esp they have a feeling that I can go thru watever that comes.
I am strong, and I will be. Haiz!! That's life.
I jus wanna my pillow and a good cry now.We will only be this "strong" until we can find someone we trust and rely on. To feel accepted. One way and the easiest is of course to find a partner. But very soon we discover that he is not as reliable as he seems.
So widening our social circle is one way. Even then, not everyone seems "safe" enough for you to confide your problems to. And with the image of a "tough, independent" woman you've projected yourself to friends and they reaffirming by saying you're strong and all, it becomes even harder to tear the mask down and to admit that we are actually very vulnerable at core.
But still, I do believe, that there is someone as gentle and kind as you out there in this world. It is for this that I am staying strong and not give myself in when I feel sad and vulnerable, not to toss myself carelessly into my ex's arms with his wide grinning vampire's fangs.