Rainee,
Tell your parents you have no desire to get married anymore. See their reaction lor.
Sometimes the child must know when to draw a line with the parents.
When your parents get pushy.. you must know to push back.
Tell them .. it is your wedding.. and you will have it your way.
i do understand where you are coming from.. it's just sad that your parents cannot be more understanding or rational.. well decide on your and your husband's pov what to do and tell your parents that's the way it's going to happen.. then endure their nonsense because that comes with it.. unless you are prepared to go their way and be spared of their nonsense..
Originally posted by jojobeach:Rainee,
Tell your parents you have no desire to get married anymore. See their reaction lor.
Sometimes the child must know when to draw a line with the parents.
When your parents get pushy.. you must know to push back.
Tell them .. it is your wedding.. and you will have it your way.
Yea but sometimes I find it hard to push back because they will still attempt to get their own way by threatening me etc.
Thing is I am already married by the law, now just waiting to hold the banquet nia. I dunno why they cant wait.
If your parent threaten to make a scene at your work place.. simple remind them that you will quit your job if they ever do that.
Your parents seems to be very manipulative..and they only treat you like a ATM and a retirement account.
They don't seem to have much consideration for your well being.
You may want to consider how their behavior will ultimately affect your marriage.
If they are unreasonable.. they may cause your marriage to breakup.
So for your own sake.. you need to take control.
Originally posted by rainee:Yea but sometimes I find it hard to push back because they will still attempt to get their own way by threatening me etc.
Thing is I am already married by the law, now just waiting to hold the banquet nia. I dunno why they cant wait.
I'm not sure how the marriage process works in Malaysia. Do they understand the concept of ROM in Singapore ?
It is very common for parents to use threats to control their children. Not the most ethical thing to do.. but it can be the most effective way.
As long as you made known to them it works on you.. they have no reason not to use it again and again.
Using threats to disrupt your life is a form of emotional abuse.
If they ever do that to you again.. threaten them back.. say if they keep pushing you will kill yourself lor....
Once they realised what they have to lose.. they will stop.
Originally posted by jojobeach:If your parent threaten to make a scene at your work place.. simple remind them that you will quit your job if they ever do that.
Your parents seems to be very manipulative..and they only treat you like a ATM and a retirement account.
They don't seem to have much consideration for your well being.
You may want to consider how their behavior will ultimately affect your marriage.
If they are unreasonable.. they may cause your marriage to breakup.
So for your own sake.. you need to take control.
Yea sadly got times when I think they just treat me as a source of money as well. They kept saying they are doing it for my well-being but sometimes I really doubt so.
How do you think I can take control? I can't just quit my job just like that, I am bonded to it for the next few years...so they know I can't quit.
Originally posted by jojobeach:I'm not sure how the marriage process works in Malaysia. Do they understand the concept of ROM in Singapore ?
They should understand it ba...in Malaysia it is the same process also ma. Just that they dun consider us as married until I go thru the traditional customary marriage.
Originally posted by rainee:Yea sadly got times when I think they just treat me as a source of money as well. They kept saying they are doing it for my well-being but sometimes I really doubt so.
How do you think I can take control? I can't just quit my job just like that, I am bonded to it for the next few years...so they know I can't quit.
Ofcors you can take control.
There is always an exit clause to any contractual agreement. Just because you are bonded does not mean you sold your soul to the company.
Let them know if you quit.. you will have to pay a hefty penalty. Not only will you not have a job.. you will also be in debt. Ask them.. is that what they want ?
You are right to doubt their true intent about your "Well-being".
Ask yourself this.. if you are a mother.. and your child have to send so much money to you.. what will she live on ? If you truly love her.. wouldn't you want her to keep more money so she can spend more on herself and live a better life ?
Sometimes.. this concept .. filial piety .. gets abused.
Originally posted by rainee:They should understand it ba...in Malaysia it is the same process also ma. Just that they dun consider us as married until I go thru the traditional customary marriage.
Can they annul the ROM ?
You just recently got married..and there can be grounds for annulment.
Nothing is permanent on paper.
Anyway.. hope you think this through.. gota be strong girl.
My shift is over.. heading home... chat next time.
Originally posted by jojobeach:Can they annul the ROM ?
You just recently got married..and there can be grounds for annulment.
Nothing is permanent on paper.
Anyway.. hope you think this through.. gota be strong girl.
My shift is over.. heading home... chat next time.
>.>
haiz
Originally posted by jojobeach:Ofcors you can take control.
There is always an exit clause to any contractual agreement. Just because you are bonded does not mean you sold your soul to the company.
Let them know if you quit.. you will have to pay a hefty penalty. Not only will you not have a job.. you will also be in debt. Ask them.. is that what they want ?
You are right to doubt their true intent about your "Well-being".
Ask yourself this.. if you are a mother.. and your child have to send so much money to you.. what will she live on ? If you truly love her.. wouldn't you want her to keep more money so she can spend more on herself and live a better life ?
Sometimes.. this concept .. filial piety .. gets abused.
They dun care that I will be in debt...as long as I get the allowance to them on time...
I like my job now...I am not willing to quit just because of this family matter...anyway to solve it without it affecting my career? Sigh.
filial piety =/= do what your parents want u to do
filial piety = doing the things u think is correct..
Make this clear ITS YOUR life not theirs..
but sometime ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD....
i suggest u bring them to the country u and your husband that is migrating to..
if they object.. then tell them u are sorry.. but ofcos visit them every now and then...
sent them money every month like you use to .
your parents are not going to accompany you till death.. your husband is!
You nv make a vow with your parents that you are going to Death Do Us part..
but you did with your husband right?
Hope i make it clear..
oops.. the hubby is here...
aiyo i think the more you talk, the worse the whole situation seems to you
Originally posted by jojobeach:Can they annul the ROM ?
You just recently got married..and there can be grounds for annulment.
Nothing is permanent on paper.
Anyway.. hope you think this through.. gota be strong girl.
My shift is over.. heading home... chat next time.
Err, how can they annul the marriage? Lolz...
Originally posted by purpledragon84:oops.. the hubby is here...
I worried also mah
Originally posted by rainee:Yea but sometimes I find it hard to push back because they will still attempt to get their own way by threatening me etc.
Thing is I am already married by the law, now just waiting to hold the banquet nia. I dunno why they cant wait.
they scared they cannot see that day
Originally posted by rainee:Okie, I think I have posted about my parents quite some time ago, but I am now encountering even more problems with them, so let's see if any of you can help me out with ways on how to deal with them.
My parents are currently residing in Malaysia (they have their own house there), they are both retired and received quite a reasonable amount of allowances from me every month. They have access to my car (which I am paying for as well, they only fork out money for the petrol) so they have no problem getting around. They are both in their late fifties and I am trying my best to make sure that they are enjoying their retirement period.
Recently I ROMed with my husband and my parents have been causing problem ever since. At first they pestered me on why can't I hold my wedding banquet together with my ROM ceremony and I told them that I do not have enough money to do so. Both me and my husband are not millionaires, we are just average people trying to earn a living to survive in this city which has a high cost of living as well. We told them we will hold the banquet in one or two years time and for a short while, they seemed to be ok with that idea. After that they changed their mind and wanted me to get a house instead. So I said I can use our savings to buy the house first but because of that, the banquet would have to be pushed until even later.
So obviously they are not happy about that because they said I am making them "lose face" in front of their relatives and they kept thinking that I am not going to hold the banquet anymore in the future. I really dunno how to explain it to them at times. Everytime I try to explain something to them they will doubt my words and said I don't care about their "face" anymore, don't care about their well-being anymore. If I really do not care, I won't even spend a single cent on their allowance every month (which is quite a hefty sum, it takes up around 40% of my total pay every month). When I try to explain things to them, they will keep threatening to come to my workplace to create a scene. I really can't afford to let them do that if I want to still work peacefully in my workplace for a long duration...
Another thing is that my hubby and I have plans of migrating to another country in maybe 6 or 7 years time...but that time they should be quite old already (and maybe one of them would have already passed away). I am the only child in the family and I do not want to shirk my responsibility of taking care of them but if I migrate, how do I go about it? Is it alright if I just hire a full time nurse or maid to take care of them in my absence?
I really want to be filial and responsible towards them but sometimes they do make things very difficult for me. Appreciate any comments or ideas on how I can solve this problem or at least stop them from keep bugging me...thanks for reading.
I have read ur point of view, Rainee & I feel ur stress. And from here I hav absolutely have no idea why parents wld wanna stress their kids bcos of their "face".
Perhaps, may i suggest, tat u think hard & try to look from their point of view? Why is there a need for them to push u up to the wall, why are they in such a hurry, what is really bothering them?
Do they have such opinion tat since both of u work in SG, u shld have earn much more money than the people tat they know? If so, wat will be the way to show them that it's not always the truth?
I know when parents push too hard, their kids will only wanna stay away from them as far as possible cos it's such a chore. But bcos u r being filial..u r torn in between.
I wish u the best, rainee & nekoRin. Must jia you oh! p(^o^)q
Originally posted by rainee:Okie, I think I have posted about my parents quite some time ago, but I am now encountering even more problems with them, so let's see if any of you can help me out with ways on how to deal with them.
My parents are currently residing in Malaysia (they have their own house there), they are both retired and received quite a reasonable amount of allowances from me every month. They have access to my car (which I am paying for as well, they only fork out money for the petrol) so they have no problem getting around. They are both in their late fifties and I am trying my best to make sure that they are enjoying their retirement period.
Recently I ROMed with my husband and my parents have been causing problem ever since. At first they pestered me on why can't I hold my wedding banquet together with my ROM ceremony and I told them that I do not have enough money to do so. Both me and my husband are not millionaires, we are just average people trying to earn a living to survive in this city which has a high cost of living as well. We told them we will hold the banquet in one or two years time and for a short while, they seemed to be ok with that idea. After that they changed their mind and wanted me to get a house instead. So I said I can use our savings to buy the house first but because of that, the banquet would have to be pushed until even later.
So obviously they are not happy about that because they said I am making them "lose face" in front of their relatives and they kept thinking that I am not going to hold the banquet anymore in the future. I really dunno how to explain it to them at times. Everytime I try to explain something to them they will doubt my words and said I don't care about their "face" anymore, don't care about their well-being anymore. If I really do not care, I won't even spend a single cent on their allowance every month (which is quite a hefty sum, it takes up around 40% of my total pay every month). When I try to explain things to them, they will keep threatening to come to my workplace to create a scene. I really can't afford to let them do that if I want to still work peacefully in my workplace for a long duration...
Another thing is that my hubby and I have plans of migrating to another country in maybe 6 or 7 years time...but that time they should be quite old already (and maybe one of them would have already passed away). I am the only child in the family and I do not want to shirk my responsibility of taking care of them but if I migrate, how do I go about it? Is it alright if I just hire a full time nurse or maid to take care of them in my absence?
I really want to be filial and responsible towards them but sometimes they do make things very difficult for me. Appreciate any comments or ideas on how I can solve this problem or at least stop them from keep bugging me...thanks for reading.
Do you not love your parents? Why would you even think they're bugging you or even a burden to you?
I can't believe you even thinking about one of them passing away in 6 or 7 years time!And how would you feel if next time your children also think the same way about you and your husband?
I don't believe if you say you cannot afford to even have a wedding dinner in Malaysia. Do you think your parents really wanted you to hold the dinner in a 5star hotel? Why don't you ask them about it?
I'm sure they loved you and misses you very much and that's why they are still in contact with you and frequent.
I don't believe a person without morals like you can even be a teacher, and your husband who married you is also not a nice guy in real life or he's just a blind man.
You can NEVER repay the love, attention, time, that your parents have spent on you. Do you really think your money is that great and it's fair enough for you to repay them?
Touch your own heart and conscience and forget about the money or your bank a/c for once, and LOVE your parents before it's too late!
You must have forgotten one thing, YOUR HUSBAND CAN ALWAYS LEAVE AND FORSAKE YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN, BUT YOUR PARENTS WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
Don't focus too much on money and status, even if you are multi-millionaires in real life, you are still poor and wretched as a person. Cos you have failed to show love and respect to your parents as a human and you have failed to embrace that ability that only humans are capable of doing so.
Can you still considered yourself as human? You're worse than an animal. Even my dogs and cats know how to express love to me better than you can show love to your parents.
haha...this parn will always stand out from others one. rainee what's ya view abt parn's view.
some parents,like yours treat having children machiam like 'cash cow'. to bring them up to only benefit themselves materially.There's no love here. Manipulative parents will always like to tie their children down using our culture as an excuse.
but in regards to what parn have said it's a very grey line...maybe u can describe to us abt ya childhood.From there we can analysis.
rainee..just think it this way.ya dad was the breadwinner when ur younger right? does he did wad he tink was necessary without consulting ya mum and u all? since ur the breadwinner for them now, i believe u should do the same. If u deem what is right for survival part by all means do it dun consult them.they might just 'sabotage ya plan only' with their outdated mindset.After all, if u fall, they will fall also.If u collapse, they will as well.
Originally posted by NekoRin:>.>
haiz
Don't worry. I not suggesting Rainee to leave you.
I only letting her know.. that her parents may think everything is set in stone, but they don't realise their pushy ways can actually jeopardise the dotter's happiness.
Family ties can be very strong.. but relationship are very fragile one.
I'm sure you also don't want your wife to keep giving in to unreasonable demands from your parent in-law , right ?
You the hubby best is don't get invovled. Just give Rainee your utmost support, I'm sure you already know lah.
Originally posted by parn:Do you not love your parents? Why would you even think they're bugging you or even a burden to you?
I can't believe you even thinking about one of them passing away in 6 or 7 years time!And how would you feel if next time your children also think the same way about you and your husband?
I don't believe if you say you cannot afford to even have a wedding dinner in Malaysia. Do you think your parents really wanted you to hold the dinner in a 5star hotel? Why don't you ask them about it?
I'm sure they loved you and misses you very much and that's why they are still in contact with you and frequent.
I don't believe a person without morals like you can even be a teacher, and your husband who married you is also not a nice guy in real life or he's just a blind man.
You can NEVER repay the love, attention, time, that your parents have spent on you. Do you really think your money is that great and it's fair enough for you to repay them?
Touch your own heart and conscience and forget about the money or your bank a/c for once, and LOVE your parents before it's too late!
You must have forgotten one thing, YOUR HUSBAND CAN ALWAYS LEAVE AND FORSAKE YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN, BUT YOUR PARENTS WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
Don't focus too much on money and status, even if you are multi-millionaires in real life, you are still poor and wretched as a person. Cos you have failed to show love and respect to your parents as a human and you have failed to embrace that ability that only humans are capable of doing so.
Can you still considered yourself as human? You're worse than an animal. Even my dogs and cats know how to express love to me better than you can show love to your parents.
Excuse me Parn.
Will you expect the same from your own children next time ?
Please stop saying other people are animals ok ? That's very rude of you.
Originally posted by jojobeach:Excuse me Parn.
Will you expect the same from your own children next time ?
Please stop saying other people are animals ok ? That's very rude of you.
as i stated in my post just now do u tink there's love from rainee's parent in this case?
or they just treated her as a cash cow(investment) right from the beginning?
the way i see is the latter.
Originally posted by parn:Do you not love your parents? Why would you even think they're bugging you or even a burden to you?
I can't believe you even thinking about one of them passing away in 6 or 7 years time!And how would you feel if next time your children also think the same way about you and your husband?
I don't believe if you say you cannot afford to even have a wedding dinner in Malaysia. Do you think your parents really wanted you to hold the dinner in a 5star hotel? Why don't you ask them about it?
I'm sure they loved you and misses you very much and that's why they are still in contact with you and frequent.
I don't believe a person without morals like you can even be a teacher, and your husband who married you is also not a nice guy in real life or he's just a blind man.
You can NEVER repay the love, attention, time, that your parents have spent on you. Do you really think your money is that great and it's fair enough for you to repay them?
Touch your own heart and conscience and forget about the money or your bank a/c for once, and LOVE your parents before it's too late!
You must have forgotten one thing, YOUR HUSBAND CAN ALWAYS LEAVE AND FORSAKE YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN, BUT YOUR PARENTS WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
Don't focus too much on money and status, even if you are multi-millionaires in real life, you are still poor and wretched as a person. Cos you have failed to show love and respect to your parents as a human and you have failed to embrace that ability that only humans are capable of doing so.
Can you still considered yourself as human? You're worse than an animal. Even my dogs and cats know how to express love to me better than you can show love to your parents.
what the fuck are u talking about ?
ur 30K minimum ring cannot apply here. U say u are direct, but there is a difference between being direct and saying things straight out without going through the brain.