Problems with Parents
-
Originally posted by kengkia:
as i stated in my post just now do u tink there's love from rainee's parent in this case?
or they just treated her as a cash cow(investment) right from the beginning?
the way i see is the latter.
Actually.. only Rainee can answer this question lah.
Because.. we the forumers.. are outsiders and don't know how her parents treat her lor.
But.. I do know that parents are not all created equal.. and there are many self serving parents who will abuse their children and take advantage.
One of my colleague.. she and her hubby adopted a child.. and they not only provided for his education and bought him a private property... they even set aside a sum of money in a trust fund as inheritance...
So if you want to compare... obviously.. Rainee's parents don't practise unconditional love ......
But if Rainee has always feel the need to pay a price for her parent's love.. then.. we the outsider.. can only shake heads lor....
-
The way i see it. Damnit.. just organise a small wedding dinner. Super small one to 'show face' . Delay the house. Accelerate the banquet.
Unless u can work some compromise with ur parents , the only solution i can see in a win win scenario is that. Like scaling back the allowance for the banquet atm. Remember, immediately after it, make it known to ur parents that u have did ur best. You love them as parents but if they would want any communication, discussion, tell them to leave u alone in ur work. There is no point creating a scene, u are the future now. U are earning the money. And its just not in u or thier best interest to come n bust ur balls in the office. Everyone lose. U lose, they lose..
From what u tell us , ur parents are not being very reasonable. But there may be like that because of thier conservative nature, it is extremely important to them? So put urself in thier shoes.If its sooooo gawd damn important. Then what the hell.. get it over n done with.
There is always a way.
-
Originally posted by BadzMaro:
The way i see it. Damnit.. just organise a small wedding dinner. Super small one to 'show face' . Delay the house. Accelerate the banquet.
Unless u can work some compromise with ur parents , the only solution i can see in a win win scenario is that. Like scaling back the allowance for the banquet atm. Remember, immediately after it, make it known to ur parents that u have did ur best. You love them as parents but if they would want any communication, discussion, tell them to leave u alone in ur work. There is no point creating a scene, u are the future now. U are earning the money. And its just not in u or thier best interest to come n bust ur balls in the office. Everyone lose. U lose, they lose..
From what u tell us , ur parents are not being very reasonable. But there may be like that because of thier conservative nature, it is extremely important to them? So put urself in thier shoes.If its sooooo gawd damn important. Then what the hell.. get it over n done with.
There is always a way.
LOL....the only way to have a big wedding.. is to have the combined family ceremony.
If they need to split the wedding.. then no way will it be BIG. Even if you invite the whole village.. it will still only be ONE side of the family.
Don't get into the rut of marrying into DEBT.
-
Originally posted by jojobeach:
LOL....the only way to have a big wedding.. is to have the combined family ceremony.
If they need to split the wedding.. then no way will it be BIG. Even if you invite the whole village.. it will still only be ONE side of the family.
Don't get into the rut of marrying into DEBT.
Thats why u go small and easy. For me i already got a sum of money for marriage by parents. They say whichever the boys marry first get the initial funds. We just cant be fudged at the moment. lol. hahha.. all these incentives are just not making us budge. hahaha
anyways back to rainee , how 'big' they want it to be la.
The only solution to being filial , responsible and still able to retain ur own happiness is that way liaw ar. Unless u guys got any better ideas falling within the parameters ?
-
Originally posted by rainee:
They dun care that I will be in debt...as long as I get the allowance to them on time...
I like my job now...I am not willing to quit just because of this family matter...anyway to solve it without it affecting my career? Sigh.
I'm not asking you to quit your job. All you need to do is let them know there's nothing to gain if they press further.
Why are you so afraid of your own parents ?
-
Originally posted by BadzMaro:
Thats why u go small and easy. For me i already got a sum of money for marriage by parents. They say whichever the boys marry first get the initial funds. We just cant be fudged at the moment. lol. hahha.. all these incentives are just not making us budge. hahaha
anyways back to rainee , how 'big' they want it to be la.
The only solution to being filial , responsible and still able to retain ur own happiness is that way liaw ar. Unless u guys got any better ideas falling within the parameters ?
I tell you lah.. this is just the beginning only.
If Rainee don't rein in her parents now.. there will be more coming her way after the marriage.
I've seen enough divorce caused by parent in-laws to know that if this continues.. the marriage won't last.
Rainee,
Perhaps you should just give your parents a fixed sum of money. Tell them .. this all you can afford.. they can choose to keep it.. or they can splurge every cents on the wedding ceremony.. or they can keep some and use some for the wedding ....and that's all you're gonna give.. nothing more . And make sure you stick by it.
So instead of you fretting.. let them do the ground work. If they want any bigger.. they'll have to contribute.. after all.. it's THEIR face.. not yours.
And girl.. to buy a house or not.. why are you letting your parents decide for you ?
You should take your own sweet time.. and get one whenever you AND your hubby is ready for one.
After you are married... are you gonna let your parents decide when to have sex ?
You are an adult already... don't keep behaving like a small child.
-
Obligations , responsibilities and ur own pursuit of happiness....
The burden is so heavy. So damn heavy..
Are we human ? Or are we dancer.
My sign is vital , my hands are cold.
I'm on my knees.. looking for the answers..
-
Originally posted by jojobeach:
I tell you lah.. this is just the beginning only.
If Rainee don't rein in her parents now.. there will be more coming her way after the marriage.
I've seen enough divorce caused by parent in-laws to know that if this continues.. the marriage won't last.
Rainee,
Well, of course we cannot persuade her to disregard her parents even if the parents are... extremely unreasonable for the moment ? Yes i agree there are parents from hell. In laws from hell..etc. Sometimes thier love, too overpowering. Too overreaching it becomes irritatiting and frustrating. But this kind of thing is hard to say. Try putting urselves in thier shoes. So hard.. so stress !!! My own parents also at times....
But i think they expect a lot from the hubby... mmmm... Parn's 30K minimum is analogous to this kind of problem. No wonder she so hostile to Rainee's actions. It doenst fit into her criterion. It just doesnt make sense to her to be able to achieve happiness with 2 people in love without a minimum engagement 30K ring to start off with.
-
ya badzmaro is correct. rainee parent also human beings. u give them one inch they want another. that's human nature. insatiable greed. thereore rainee will need us to teach her how to 'tame' her parents.
and it's up to our generation for a big task. that is to weed out all the negative aspects of our chinese culture, particularly the negative things that can cause problems stemming from filial piety.
-
Originally posted by BadzMaro:
Obligations , responsibilities and ur own pursuit of happiness....
The burden is so heavy. So damn heavy..
Are we human ? Or are we dancer.
My sign is vital , my hands are cold.
I'm on my knees.. looking for the answers..
The answers are in your own hands dude.
You wait till it's your turn.. just because you want a small and easy one.. doesn't means your wife wants one.
Everyone has their own needs and requirements.. it all a balancing act.
-
Originally posted by jojobeach:
The answers are in your own hands dude.
You wait till it's your turn.. just because you want a small and easy one.. doesn't means your wife wants one.
Everyone has their own needs and requirements.. it all a balancing act.
Its a song.. -_-"
My wedding definately is big one la. hahaha..
Got so many friends , relatives , business partners and family. You do what u can afford la.
-
Originally posted by kengkia:
ya badzmaro is correct. rainee parent also human beings. u give them one inch they want another. that's human nature. insatiable greed. thereore rainee will need us to teach her how to 'tame' her parents.
and it's up to our generation for a big task. that is to weed out all the negative aspects of our chinese culture, particularly the negative things that can cause problems stemming from filial piety.
Not so easy to 'tame' the parents one la. They have years of experience ahead. They stuck in time. Its gonna be a hell mission. Bamboo's that grow tall bending hard to straighten la. hahah
-
Originally posted by BadzMaro:
Well, of course we cannot persuade her to disregard her parents even if the parents are... extremely unreasonable for the moment ? Yes i agree there are parents from hell. In laws from hell..etc. Sometimes thier love, too overpowering. Too overreaching it becomes irritatiting and frustrating. But this kind of thing is hard to say. Try putting urselves in thier shoes. So hard.. so stress !!! My own parents also at times....
But i think they expect a lot from the hubby... mmmm... Parn's 30K minimum is analogous to this kind of problem. No wonder she so hostile to Rainee's actions. It doenst fit into her criterion. It just doesnt make sense to her to be able to achieve happiness with 2 people in love without a minimum engagement 30K ring to start off with.
Ofcors.. when Rainee frets over it.. Rin will feel lousy.. after all it's in a man's nature to want to provide and protect.
But how far can Rin stretch before he snap?
This tug of war between Rainee and her parents...
-
Originally posted by BadzMaro:
Not so easy to 'tame' the parents one la. They have years of experience ahead. They stuck in time. Its gonna be a hell mission. Bamboo's that grow tall bending hard to straighten la. hahah
if u can't beat them join them. but cannot what in this case. so if u can't beat them just 'run' lor...if rainee and all know what i mean. do it the simple way is one of the solutions to the hard question. fufill ya own requirements first then u will have the means to fufill others'.so what if rainee's parents have years of experiences(in manipulating children) ahead. they can survive with this alone ar? hahaha...dun forget they too old to make a living themselves wor..if rainee and rin snap it's the end of the world for her parents also. strengthen ya own base so that u can accomplish great things.
-
Originally posted by jojobeach:
Ofcors.. when Rainee frets over it.. Rin will feel lousy.. after all it's in a man's nature to want to provide and protect.
But how far can Rin stretch before he snap?
This tug of war between Rainee and her parents...
I know Rainee will choose Rin. In pursuit of our own happiness, we will have to become selfish.Is it wrong to be selfish in pursuit of our own happiness?yes.. no..yes... no... And when that time comes, Rainee will be wise to choose the next 30 yrs of happiness with Rin then constant bombardment and ridicule by the parents that is trying to set her up after her divorce etc. I think its just bull. Marriage life should stay married and happy ! Why sacrifice ur own happiness ? In this case, sacrificing happiness for nothing.. for depression, fear , anxiety... . If you sacrifice ur happiness by working really hard raking in the moolah.. becoming extremely successful at the cost of ur marriage, is it worth it ? Well, to my parents they say its worth it. Seperated.But if u sacrifice for nothing... destroying ur own future, then i say its just fudged up to pick that choice. But they are her parents, her conscience is strong, she feels deeply indebted to her parents. How can she just drop them like that ? Questions that needs answers. Answers that we can only suggest but she will be one to actually apply what we suggest in her own way.
I dont know. I just think that, the inevitable tug of war. Rin needs to be extremely patient , understanding and supportive of Rainee through these times. Cause the only shoulder Rainee can cry on now is not on her parents, but on his shoulders.
-
here's some tibits OT bit hor sorry...
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel, or unkind word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that
comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Live simply Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest up to God.i have taken this from another forum. enjoy ya day. see u guys. me off to work liao..
-
Originally posted by kengkia:
if u can't beat them join them. but cannot what in this case. so if u can't beat them just 'run' lor...if rainee and all know what i mean. do it the simple way is one of the solutions to the hard question. fufill ya own requirements first then u will have the means to fufill others'.so what if rainee's parents have years of experiences(in manipulating children) ahead. they can survive with this alone ar? hahaha...dun forget they too old to make a living themselves wor..if rainee and rin snap it's the end of the world for her parents also. strengthen ya own base so that u can accomplish great things.
So you proposing squeezing the parents. The parents stubborn how ? And engage in activities to psycho rainee's feelings how ? Too old to make a living for themselves by forgetting about them ?
This is like realist perspective of caring for urself first before caring for others, then again, the parents may launch a crusade on her life with no end. I am just thinking one of the very worse scenario. lol. I hope its not that bad.
-
Actually ah.. not say squeeze them lah.
In the first place hor.. Rainee.. you shouldn't have told your parents you need to scale down the ceremony or push back the Housing purchase .. because you are broke or have not enough money lah.
Because when you do that.. you are putting your hubby in very bad light ...
Your parents will think your hubby is broke.. and cannot afford to give you a good life.
So naturally.. they will get upset... afterall... they probably think their precious dotter deserves someone more capable lah.
You shoulda just tell them it is all your personal preference.. nothing to do with finances.
-
Originally posted by parn:
Do you not love your parents? Why would you even think they're bugging you or even a burden to you?
I can't believe you even thinking about one of them passing away in 6 or 7 years time!And how would you feel if next time your children also think the same way about you and your husband?
I don't believe if you say you cannot afford to even have a wedding dinner in Malaysia. Do you think your parents really wanted you to hold the dinner in a 5star hotel? Why don't you ask them about it?
I'm sure they loved you and misses you very much and that's why they are still in contact with you and frequent.
I don't believe a person without morals like you can even be a teacher, and your husband who married you is also not a nice guy in real life or he's just a blind man.
You can NEVER repay the love, attention, time, that your parents have spent on you. Do you really think your money is that great and it's fair enough for you to repay them?
Touch your own heart and conscience and forget about the money or your bank a/c for once, and LOVE your parents before it's too late!
You must have forgotten one thing, YOUR HUSBAND CAN ALWAYS LEAVE AND FORSAKE YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN, BUT YOUR PARENTS WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
Don't focus too much on money and status, even if you are multi-millionaires in real life, you are still poor and wretched as a person. Cos you have failed to show love and respect to your parents as a human and you have failed to embrace that ability that only humans are capable of doing so.
Can you still considered yourself as human? You're worse than an animal. Even my dogs and cats know how to express love to me better than you can show love to your parents.
just like how your boyfriend abandon you when u turn female IT
-
Originally posted by parn:
Do you not love your parents? Why would you even think they're bugging you or even a burden to you?
I can't believe you even thinking about one of them passing away in 6 or 7 years time!And how would you feel if next time your children also think the same way about you and your husband?
I don't believe if you say you cannot afford to even have a wedding dinner in Malaysia. Do you think your parents really wanted you to hold the dinner in a 5star hotel? Why don't you ask them about it?
I'm sure they loved you and misses you very much and that's why they are still in contact with you and frequent.
I don't believe a person without morals like you can even be a teacher, and your husband who married you is also not a nice guy in real life or he's just a blind man.
You can NEVER repay the love, attention, time, that your parents have spent on you. Do you really think your money is that great and it's fair enough for you to repay them?
Touch your own heart and conscience and forget about the money or your bank a/c for once, and LOVE your parents before it's too late!
You must have forgotten one thing, YOUR HUSBAND CAN ALWAYS LEAVE AND FORSAKE YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN, BUT YOUR PARENTS WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
Don't focus too much on money and status, even if you are multi-millionaires in real life, you are still poor and wretched as a person. Cos you have failed to show love and respect to your parents as a human and you have failed to embrace that ability that only humans are capable of doing so.
Can you still considered yourself as human? You're worse than an animal. Even my dogs and cats know how to express love to me better than you can show love to your parents.
Even though many often disagree with parn's views, i have to agree with her this time round.I cant believe someone can actually think about one of them passing away in 6 or 7 years time. Wait till they get cancer or die in a sudden accident.
Would you have become a teacher if your parents didnt scold and beat you constantly when young? Who knows? You might have ended up as a 1k per month salary clerk instead. Would you even be in Singapore to study and work?
-
Originally posted by FirePig:
Even though many often disagree with parn's views, i have to agree with her this time round.I cant believe someone can actually think about one of them passing away in 6 or 7 years time. Wait till they get cancer or die in a sudden accident.
true..
-
Most Msians are like that bah? As in for the older generation, they like to make a big affair for weddings...The banquet is just to let all their relatives know that "my daughter is being married"..Something like a "PA system" to let everyone know..Cuz they have the thinking that : why should it be a hush hush affair? Is not as if my daughter ��的人..
So can kinda understand for the parents thinking..
@ most host a simple dinner in Msia loh..应酬them..They happy = Won't make noise = Peace for you :D
As for the migration part..Is kinda hard bah? Is kinda bad to hire a nurse to take care of your parents..What they want is love & care & for their children to spend time with them..
This is just my personal opinion lah..I feel that it will be better if you opt for migration AFT they "�天"..Try to spend more time with them if possible..
Who knows..Sekali they created all these big huha for you just because they want to seek your attention??
-
rainee, u can bring them along with u lor.. but if they insist duwan, u calso cant do anything... for ur wedding banquet n the house, it's either/or, neither/nor situation. i tink they also went a bit too far by asking u to buy hse n hold banquet at the same time. i tink cos u give both of them 40% of ur mthly salary, they think u are rich lor.... or ur hubby is rich... that's a wrong mentally from them lor...
-
Originally posted by FirePig:
Even though many often disagree with parn's views, i have to agree with her this time round.I cant believe someone can actually think about one of them passing away in 6 or 7 years time. Wait till they get cancer or die in a sudden accident.
Would you have become a teacher if your parents didnt scold and beat you constantly when young? Who knows? You might have ended up as a 1k per month salary clerk instead. Would you even be in Singapore to study and work?
I am not the one who said they will pass away in 6 to 7 years time. They are the one who brought up this issue when they called me yesterday. I had not wanted to discuss this with them because they are still well and healthy but since they bring it up I had no choice but to consider it in their viewpoint, that is what will happen if one of them passed away in 6 to 7 years time?
I admit I do not have much attachment towards my own parents. What I am feeling towards them now is just simply responsibility and obligation to take care of them, just as how they have taken care of me when I was young. It is hard to have feelings for someone who beat you up badly when you were young.
How many times must we give excuses to parents that whatever they are doing it is right because it is for our own good? I have given myself this excuse for the past 20 years. I have never reported them to any authority when I was beaten, I took it in silence, telling myself that it is to encourage me, bla bla bla. But there is better way of encouragement, isn't there? And when they beat me up last time for no reason at all (I can just say a word and they will get angry and before I knew it, it is beating time), does that mean they are doing the right thing just because they are my parents?
As for my studies stuff, they are not the one who paid for my tertiary education. They had wanted to send me off to work when I was 18 but luckily I managed to get a scholarship which allowed me to go study overseas. So if there is anyone I want to be thankful for my life and qualifications now, it is the agency who sponsored me.
-
Originally posted by RedizAlertz:
I have read ur point of view, Rainee & I feel ur stress. And from here I hav absolutely have no idea why parents wld wanna stress their kids bcos of their "face".
Perhaps, may i suggest, tat u think hard & try to look from their point of view? Why is there a need for them to push u up to the wall, why are they in such a hurry, what is really bothering them?
Do they have such opinion tat since both of u work in SG, u shld have earn much more money than the people tat they know? If so, wat will be the way to show them that it's not always the truth?
I know when parents push too hard, their kids will only wanna stay away from them as far as possible cos it's such a chore. But bcos u r being filial..u r torn in between.
I wish u the best, rainee & nekoRin. Must jia you oh! p(^o^)q
Thanks for the well wishes, we will try to stay strong in this situation. There is no other way, is there?
I have always tried to look at it from their point of view, but all I can understand is that they are ashamed that I should wait so long to hold the customary dinner because all their relatives' children are now inviting them to go to their banquets. I have even calculated out my budget for them to hear. But they keep believing that I have a lot of money to spare...I have given up trying to prove to them that what I am earning now is barely enough to support myself, them and to still save for the house.