Problems with Parents
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Originally posted by aHGer^83:
when u are wrong, nobody forgets. when u are right, nobody remembers.dunno y.. just feel like saying this here....
If just one or two wrongs, I can forget and forgive. But when the wrongs are stretched out over years...it is a bit demanding to ask me to just forget everything, isn't it?
I admit I am no angel...
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Originally posted by BadzMaro:
It perfectly makes sense. Cause u can derive ur statement from my stated situation. Its fair enough also to say, we sometimes forget the love and care our parents put into us ah. Thats why now grown up liaw.. i am more forgiving and understanding. I hated thier guts when i was 17 yrs through out to 21. I kanpo after a siblings meeting, which made alot of sense in why sometimes our parents acted the way they did. Thier difference in background , discipline , the times they struggled to come out successful. Even with a broken marriage , financially they have done extremely well. That to me was the price . Like all things, they come with a price.
Sadly for my case, all the tortures and wrongdoings shadowed all the care or concern they have ever showered on me...
Maybe I am being ungrateful here, but I really can't remember a time when they are truly caring towards me...there is always a motive behind...
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usually banquet (if u invite the right people) u will most likely break even or even gain a profit... u jus have to fork out the initial downpayment to the restaurant.
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Originally posted by rainee:
Sadly for my case, all the tortures and wrongdoings shadowed all the care or concern they have ever showered on me...
Maybe I am being ungrateful here, but I really can't remember a time when they are truly caring towards me...there is always a motive behind...
haiz.. dun worry la. U be proud of urself la. Can survive through the bullshit and still turned out alrite. Functioning according to specifications.
Well, if u really quietly think about it, the time when they really care and love is mostly also at a time when we can hardly remember liaw. e.g during infancy stage...
All parentes have motives. Maybe thier motive was to.. make u a better tougher more appreciative person u are today. Thats how i try to see it. Turn the negative energy into a positive one.But some really obvious negative ones.. can stay negative la.
But anyways, first things first. Show the procedure in sg. e.g bring them along.. for first hand experience, then the rest u know what to do liaw la. Patience and thee Grandchild trump card. ;p
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Originally posted by skeujin:
usually banquet (if u invite the right people) u will most likely break even or even gain a profit... u jus have to fork out the initial downpayment to the restaurant.
Yea, problem is we don't have enough to pay for it first leh...cos after I buy the house le confirm our savings acct will be wiped clean...
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I'll be posting my views as well. From the husband's POV.
I myself also feel the pressure as, you all know... the helplessness of wanting to help improve the situation but unable to. All I can do is to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on nia. But the situation will still carry on if nothing is done.
Not to to be disrespectful, sometimes I wonder why old folks care so much about 'face', so that they can feel more accomplished over others? This 'face' thing is placing alot of stress on the younger generation especially in the high standard of living in our country.
And there's the comparsion thingy, is there really a need to compare your child with others? And feel good that he/she is better?
Sometimes I really want to go over to my in-laws and slap them... "Wake up your freaking ideas!" Haiz
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Originally posted by BadzMaro:
haiz.. dun worry la. U be proud of urself la. Can survive through the bullshit and still turned out alrite. Functioning according to specifications.
Well, if u really quietly think about it, the time when they really care and love is mostly also at a time when we can hardly remember liaw. e.g during infancy stage...
All parentes have motives. Maybe thier motive was to.. make u a better tougher more appreciative person u are today. Thats how i try to see it. Turn the negative energy into a positive one.But some really obvious negative ones.. can stay negative la.
But anyways, first things first. Show the procedure in sg. e.g bring them along.. for first hand experience, then the rest u know what to do liaw la. Patience and thee Grandchild trump card. ;p
Yea, sometimes I try to think that the reason why they refused to help me is to make me into a more independent person. And they have succeeded, if that is truly their motive. I like to think of myself as someone who is not dependent on them, I will never ask them for money no matter how much I need them. I have learned how to fend for myself for the past few years and it has been working well so far.
So actually I would be very happy if they just settle down and enjoy their retirement life without worrying about me...I know how to do things on my own as I am already an adult. Dunno how to get this across to them.
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Originally posted by skeujin:
usually banquet (if u invite the right people) u will most likely break even or even gain a profit... u jus have to fork out the initial downpayment to the restaurant.
That is true. But a bad thing is that.... I have alot of cousins and most of them are still schooling :x
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Originally posted by rainee:
Yea, problem is we don't have enough to pay for it first leh...cos after I buy the house le confirm our savings acct will be wiped clean...
Ah... this is when timing and a little cunning is required.
try to see if they can accept deposite one month or less before the wedding. if not tell them just put a few hundred as a downpayment to book the date. pay the rest of the deposite later. then use yr credit card to pay for it. by the time the bill comes. wedding is over n u have cash to pay back.
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Originally posted by NekoRin:
I'll be posting my views as well. From the husband's POV.
I myself also feel the pressure as, you all know... the helplessness of wanting to help improve the situation but unable to. All I can do is to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on nia. But the situation will still carry on if nothing is done.
Not to to be disrespectful, sometimes I wonder why old folks care so much about 'face', so that they can feel more accomplished over others? This 'face' thing is placing alot of stress on the younger generation especially in the high standard of living in our country.
And there's the comparsion thingy, is there really a need to compare your child with others? And feel good that he/she is better?
Sometimes I really want to go over to my in-laws and slap them... "Wake up your freaking ideas!" Haiz
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Originally posted by rainee:
Yea, sometimes I try to think that the reason why they refused to help me is to make me into a more independent person. And they have succeeded, if that is truly their motive. I like to think of myself as someone who is not dependent on them, I will never ask them for money no matter how much I need them. I have learned how to fend for myself for the past few years and it has been working well so far.
So actually I would be very happy if they just settle down and enjoy their retirement life without worrying about me...I know how to do things on my own as I am already an adult. Dunno how to get this across to them.
haiz..
well, all the best to you la. By saying more may just complicate u further.
Sometimes if they truly meant to care, they shouldve done it ages ago.. not when we are already extremely independant all grown up liaw with individual goals to achieve. Thats what happens when u train ur kids to be extremely independent, they have little or sometimes no regards to other people except thier own. And its hard to tell them what to do especially things like this.
I
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Originally posted by NekoRin:
That is true. But a bad thing is that.... I have alot of cousins and most of them are still schooling :x
seriously in this day n age. i have received alot of invites that state. Mr XX and Mrs XX only.... no children. if they ask jus say you want to make it a small and intimate affiar.
have to be thick skin sometimes. ive seen parents who bring 4 kids 2 maids n all eat like siao thn pau oni $50. If the guests is high risk for not forking out ang pau money thn i dont see a reason why they should be invited at all. Ask our relatives who recently got married and i bet they will tell you who the high risks ones are.
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Originally posted by skeujin:
seriously in this day n age. i have received alot of invites that state. Mr XX and Mrs XX only.... no children. if they ask jus say you want to make it a small and intimate affiar.
have to be thick skin sometimes. ive seen parents who bring 4 kids 2 maids n all eat like siao thn pau oni $50. If the guests is high risk for not forking out ang pau money thn i dont see a reason why they should be invited at all. Ask our relatives who recently got married and i bet they will tell you who the high risks ones are.
Haha then the 'face' problem will come in to play. I spoke to my dad about it a few days ago. He isn't really that okay with me and Rainee downsizing our banquet, said that relatives needed to be invited as a traditional custom.
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Originally posted by skeujin:
seriously in this day n age. i have received alot of invites that state. Mr XX and Mrs XX only.... no children. if they ask jus say you want to make it a small and intimate affiar.
have to be thick skin sometimes. ive seen parents who bring 4 kids 2 maids n all eat like siao thn pau oni $50. If the guests is high risk for not forking out ang pau money thn i dont see a reason why they should be invited at all. Ask our relatives who recently got married and i bet they will tell you who the high risks ones are.
Harlow.. wedding dinner is meant to be a celebration. Not something to be implemented for and expecting guests ang baos to pay off the dinner.
Nowadays.. the true meaning of the wedding is long gone.. ..
We hold a gathering to celebrate.. if want to calculative so much.. why bother having one in the first place ?
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Originally posted by NekoRin:
Haha then the 'face' problem will come in to play. I spoke to my dad about it a few days ago. He isn't really that okay with me and Rainee downsizing our banquet, said that relatives needed to be invited as a traditional custom.
Well then . are your parents going to help with the bill ?
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Originally posted by NekoRin:
Haha then the 'face' problem will come in to play. I spoke to my dad about it a few days ago. He isn't really that okay with me and Rainee downsizing our banquet, said that relatives needed to be invited as a traditional custom.
another way that some couples fund their weddings.
parents invite whoever they want but they pay for the tables. then they will have the rights to the ang paus from the people they invite.
so if he wants face. he gets to invite all the people he wants n he can carry the burden of profit n loss.
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Profit n loss at wedding.. -_-"
fair enough.. given the situation...
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Harlow.. wedding dinner is meant to be a celebration. Not something to be implemented for and expecting guests ang baos to pay off the dinner.
Nowadays.. the true meaning of the wedding is long gone.. ..
We hold a gathering to celebrate.. if want to calculative so much.. why bother having one in the first place ?
What I believe is that the place we live in affects the meaning of wedding dinner. In order to have a wedding dinner in SG, it uses up alot of money. Given a new couple who just started working, it's not really feasible not to think like that especially when there is little financial help from the in-laws.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Well then . are your parents going to help with the bill ?
My parents are actually helping alot. They know that we are saving for a house.... so they decide to sell off the current house (at AMK), shift to somewhere near where we intend to get in the future so that we can get the 40k grant from HDB. And also help as in helping us pay some of the housing downpayment.
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Originally posted by skeujin:
Ah... this is when timing and a little cunning is required.
try to see if they can accept deposite one month or less before the wedding. if not tell them just put a few hundred as a downpayment to book the date. pay the rest of the deposite later. then use yr credit card to pay for it. by the time the bill comes. wedding is over n u have cash to pay back.
Not really a good suggestion in my case as my in-laws are very calculative over such things :x
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Originally posted by hisoka:
I say before le, you need to consider putting your foot down.
Obligation has its limits. Warn them provide for them, but if they really push too hard, then you must push back. You can restore the favours later, but you must show that you are willing and can do it.
But in the meantime, just handle them and insist on doing it the way you think best?
What me and Rainee are afraid of is... the things my in-laws will do if they don't get it their way. Like going down to my dear's workplace, create a scene making it hard for her to continue working there. Due to the proximity of JB and SG it is highly viable that they will do that (it happened once before in JB)
So now they use this as a threat wor.
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They havn't ask for dowry yet har ?
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Originally posted by NekoRin:
What me and Rainee are afraid of is... the things my in-laws will do if they don't get it their way. Like going down to my dear's workplace, create a scene making it hard for her to continue working there. Due to the proximity of JB and SG it is highly viable that they will do that (it happened once before in JB)
So now they use this as a threat wor.
According to Chinese tradition.
Prior to the wedding ceremony.. both parents sits down to negotiate the wedding gifts and arrangements.
If her parents emphasise so much on face value.. then i assume they must be very traditional.
If things get out of hand.. perhaps you may want your parents to go deal with her parents instead.
Let the adults do the talking and negotiating.
Old people will give old people face.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
According to Chinese tradition.
Prior to the wedding ceremony.. both parents sits down to negotiate the wedding gifts and arrangements.
If her parents emphasise so much on face value.. then i assume they must be very traditional.
If things get out of hand.. perhaps you may want your parents to go deal with her parents instead.
Let the adults do the talking and negotiating.
Old people will give old people face.
There are things which are not supposed to be known even by me. This is what they told Rainee when they threaten her. I still respect them as my in-laws, hence the reason why I never go argue with them when they give Rainee so much additional stress.
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Originally posted by NekoRin:
Not really a good suggestion in my case as my in-laws are very calculative over such things :x
if they are not going to help fund the dinner than how would they even find out how its being paid for?
trust me when i say this method plus a choice selection of guests would make it a trouble free method of paying.