Went back on my word with good friend
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
i'm quite ok if i don't see him. i guess i let it drag on for too long. how to let go ah? i have put away most of the things he gave me, tried not to think abt it, deleted him fr my msn, etc... it takes a while ba.
we were together for two yrs and i cldn't believe tt he could be so coldhearted as to leave me a time when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. it was really bad, i don't even know why i bothered to get back tog with him for a few mths or be friends with him. i guess i really did love him and i knew tt i had also given him a hard time. but ultimately the friendship didn't work out also cos he treated me like dirt.
we can't just switch off feelings so easily, right?
Letting go isn't about just putting away all those things that he gave you; it isn't about just trying not to think about it or deleting him from the face of the Earth.
Learn to detach and learn to forgive
Forgiveness is letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with one's happiness; Your pain is only temporary and with every step you take, things will get better. And let me assure you that it's not going to be easy - but heck, you can survive the first wave, you can survive the next
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thanks man. i will try. :) just dunno how long it will take to forgive and forget him completely. to me, he's someone fr the past tt i shld avoid. because i'm not confident tt i can ctrl my feelings if i shld see him again.
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
no we're not christians. but what has christianity got to do wif it? :P i've tried calling her on previous days. there were no return calls fr her.
just now, right after i called her, i got an sms fr her to say tt she was disappointed tt i cldn't let go of my "issues" for one day.
it's possible also tt it was not convenient for her to answer today, but i doubt it since she hadn't been answering or returning my calls previously. can't be busy all the time, right?
yeah i guess so but then she will understand someday but then actually do u think her request is unreasonable? for one day only?
nothing to do with christianity, just a side point since u mention that the wedding will be hold in a church.
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
thanks man. i will try. :) just dunno how long it will take to forgive and forget him completely. to me, he's someone fr the past tt i shld avoid. because i'm not confident tt i can ctrl my feelings if i shld see him again.
It's fine, really. Grieve your hardest, but also know to let go of the haunting past when it's really time to. Don't let an ol' memory become your roadblock to future hopesLet go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
- Leo Buscaglia -
now, safely at home, i think it's ok. but i'm sure i will regret it on the day if i go as her bridesmaid and end up having to talk to him. it's not really the same, but for example, for someone who has been traumatised by a car accident and doesn't dare to sit in a car so soon, is it possible for her to forget for one day and sit in a car pretending tt she had nv been in an accident?
it's a wedding, naturally i have to be happy for her and enthusiastic when talking to the best men. but i don't think i can do well enough to meet her expectations of a bridesmaid. i'm sure she wld want me to be genuinely happy for her too, instead of having to force myself to smile. i can do tt much better if i just attended as a guest with my other friends.
to me also it's not just one day. i don't wan to be near him cos i;'m not confident tt i won't think abt him again if we were to talk to each other. it sounds v illogical and maybe even weak minded, but it is smth i am afraid of because our break up dragged for a long time.
got a church wedding cos her fiance is christian.
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maybe change the best man instead? i dunno man...
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Originally posted by Miss Tiny:
maybe change the best man instead? i dunno man...
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cannot la. how can i ask tt of her? the guy is one of her lao gong's buddies. tt will make her feel stuck in between. tho her fiance and the ex not really super gd friends, he has already asked him liao.
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Relax, don't have to explain!
You already know what you should do; now let's just hope that your friend is understanding enough
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hmm but thanks anyway. ;)
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haha thanks. ya really need to relax.
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
haha thanks. ya really need to relax.
Go get a whiskey or play some mousehunt on facebook -
Originally posted by Detached:
aiyo.. just suggesting only mah...
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alcohol banned at home... lucky or i might have become alcoholic by now...
mousehunt... stopped playing when they changed to new facebook liao. too slow!
geo challenge is another gd game on fb. :)
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
alcohol banned at home... lucky or i might have become alcoholic by now...
mousehunt... stopped playing when they changed to new facebook liao. too slow!
geo challenge is another gd game on fb. :)
What's geo challenge about??? Why is everyone talking bout it??? -
fun what. go and play la. after playing, u will suddenly be able to recognise a lot of national flags. ;)
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Originally posted by Miss Tiny:
aiyo.. just suggesting only mah...
Don't cry -
Betray ur good friend. Dont give her face, at the same time, letting all ur other friends down.
Dont ask what people can do for u, ask what u can do for others.
only u and ur ex is going to be at the wedding?
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> Dont ask what people can do for u, ask what u can do for others.
What do you mean? :s
No, I wouldn't be letting all my other friends down. Those who advised me to be the bridesmaid will not be at the wedding.
One of our mutual friends felt that if it really bothers me, I should tell her honestly and just turn up as a guest.
I think betrayal is too strong a word, but thanks anyway.
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
I have a close friend who's getting married. I had agreed to be her bridesmaid but recently pulled out of it because I decided that I didn't want to have to interact with my ex boyfriend, who is one of her husband-to-be's best men.
Before I pulled out, however, I checked with her if not doing it would mean that our friendship would be affected. I had already bought my dress for the occasion and was prepared to go if she insisted. However, she seemed all right about it at that time, so I thought all was well and that she'd be able to find a replacement.
Later, when we met up again with other friends, she tried to act as though I was not there. Or if I said anything to her, she would give a snappish reply.
I'm quite upset by her behaviour, because I feel that my friend is also being a bit selfish here. What happened with my ex hurt me a lot. Even till now, I still feel a pang of sadness when I think about him. It's been more than a month since I last spoke to him, though I never really blamed him for the break up, seeing him and talking to him again will bring back memories.
On the other hand, there are friends who've told me that I'm in the wrong and that I'm the selfish one. They felt that I should have gone since I've known her for ages. My friend has not been answering my calls, but she has sent an sms to tell me that she is feeling disappointed that I couldn't put aside my feelings for just that one day.
Can feelings be put aside like that? Am I in the wrong? How can I mend this friendship? It's quite weird between us now, with her ignoring me. I feel that we can both be more mature about this and talk face to face. I understand that she may be having wedding jitters, and I would like to help, but she doesn't seem to want to talk to me at all.
If she is your close friend, you should've been more mature enough to put aside your own personal grudge against your ex for the sake of your close friend's wedding. And you should've been there for her on her wedding day as her bridesmaid.Maybe she is only your close friend, but to her....you could be her BEST friend. Try to imagine the disappointment that she felt. I know you won't be able to understand her disappointment unless both of you have patched up and she will let you know how she felt about your decision to disappoint her for your own selfish excuses.
Why don't you apologise to her? Let her know your fears that led you to come to that decision not to be her bridesmaid. SMS her your apology or even send her a card if you need to.
It's cheaper to apologise to save a friendship with a close friend than not doing anything to lose a valuable friendship with a close friend.
Things will get better if you chose to take the first step, and I'm sure she is giving you an opportunity to save this friendship with her...if not she wouldn't have sent you an SMS with her own thoughts and feelings.
We all make mistakes in our lives, but we need to have the grace to accept our mistakes and learn from it. Many people would've taken the path to run away from their mistakes (This is super common nowadays), but such people would never grow because they always avoids their mistakes. Age is natural process but Growing isn't.
I'm sure you will be able to restore your friendship with her again and alot of times, it is from the realisation and recovery of mistakes and forgiveness that will strengthen the friendship between two friends.
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Mmm...ya...this is very dilemmatic.....I dont know what to say....I think only someone who has close understanding of all personalities involved, can find something as a solution....
Mmm.....maybe you should give yourself some time to think...
But let me tell you something....weddings is a stressful event....and it is common to have arguments, to have sensibilities heightened, and to have hurt feelings....so everyone should be extra patient for this period....
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it's not a grudge tt i bear against my ex. this is a guy who has hurt me time and again. yet i still don't really blame him because there's just no point to it. it's only been a mth since i cut off all contact wif him, and only because i changed my hp number. normally he wld yell at me, and then after some time start calling me back again. is it so selfish of me to want to prevent myself from getting hurt again? i am really afraid that having to talk to him again will bring back old memories, both good and bad.
i have apologised to her over sms. i also explained tt i've finally let go of the rs after all these mths, and i don't want to have to talk to him again. she says she is busy and even if i explain the circumstances to her, it doesn't take away her disappointment that i can't play a bigger role at her wedding. maybe it's cos she didn't really understand. after all, she was nv ard when he shouted at me, grabbed my arm and said all sorts of nasty things. the things she heard were fr me and i didn't tell her all of it.
i'm pretty sure tt i'm not her best friend. she has many other close friends besides me. but i am one of her oldest friends. we have known each other for more than ten yrs and she has every reason to be disappointed.
it's up to her now, i guess. other than saying sorry, there is nothing else i can do, short of taking back my words and agreeing to be bridesmaid. but that would be silly, and certainly i don't treat this as a joke. the damage has already been done.
actually i do have some regrets abt my decision. i realise now that it's really going to have a bad impact on our friendship. but a decision is a decision. it may be a mistake, but i don't want to treat it lightly and change my mind. besides i'm sure she wld've found a replacement by now.
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Originally posted by parn:
If she is your close friend, you should've been more mature enough to put aside your own personal grudge against your ex for the sake of your close friend's wedding. And you should've been there for her on her wedding day as her bridesmaid.Maybe she is only your close friend, but to her....you could be her BEST friend. Try to imagine the disappointment that she felt. I know you won't be able to understand her disappointment unless both of you have patched up and she will let you know how she felt about your decision to disappoint her for your own selfish excuses.
Why don't you apologise to her? Let her know your fears that led you to come to that decision not to be her bridesmaid. SMS her your apology or even send her a card if you need to.
It's cheaper to apologise to save a friendship with a close friend than not doing anything to lose a valuable friendship with a close friend.
Things will get better if you chose to take the first step, and I'm sure she is giving you an opportunity to save this friendship with her...if not she wouldn't have sent you an SMS with her own thoughts and feelings.
We all make mistakes in our lives, but we need to have the grace to accept our mistakes and learn from it. Many people would've taken the path to run away from their mistakes (This is super common nowadays), but such people would never grow because they always avoids their mistakes. Age is natural process but Growing isn't.
I'm sure you will be able to restore your friendship with her again and alot of times, it is from the realisation and recovery of mistakes and forgiveness that will strengthen the friendship between two friends.
. Wah why so nice now? the sudden change? -
she should have understood your feelings and why you did that...
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2 schools of thought.
While we're posting our opinions, please keep in mind that there is not a need to be harsh. It's one thing to dish out advices, another thing to cross the line.