Went back on my word with good friend
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well, i tried to explain more over sms again. telling her tt my issues wif my ex were not tt simple. if it were only anger, i can set it aside, but this is a guy who has verbally abused me and i am afraid of talking to him again. however, she has misunderstood and feels tt i was "repetitively" trying to air my grievances to her and expecting her to lend a listening ear when it is gg to be her wedding, and shld be all abt her and her feelings.
it was never my intention. i only explained because i hoped tt it wld make her less disappointed in me. perhaps i shld have just left it at the start and not explained at all. the explanation fr me made her feel tt the wedding is abt my ex and i, and abt not her. she also said tt she doesn't want to talk now and say smth tt she might regret (which is prob a gd idea).
actually ever since the wedding planning started, i hardly got to talk to her. and i wld never think of confiding in her now, bcos we're not as close as we used to be and also i don't want to bother her. i am still quite sad tt she has put it this way though.
we're friends who've been thru a lot together - she was with me during my mum's hospitalisation last yr and after tt my break up... also previously when she had probs with her bf or issues with her other friends, i listened to her and tried to help her whenever i cld... but apparently the jie mei thing is all that she can focus on.
i will still be setting aside an entire day to attend both her wedding ceremonies as a guest, tho on a weekend i cld doing other stuff for my family like running errands, paying the bills, but somehow my time for tt day to share her joy with her and her husband doesn't mean anything to her at all...
her attitude towards me seems a bit unreasonable, but i'm just taking it as due to her being highly stressed fr the planning.
i know her well enough, if she can't forgive me now, it can only mean tt she's going to bear a grudge against me for many yrs. like the grudge tt she held against some of our other friends for what i thought were rather trivial things. i am just disappointed tt our friendship seems so fragile.
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hmm.. i believe she willbe angry with u for going back on words and also due to hectic preparation of the wedding as well so maybe she will get back to u after the wedding if the frendship can realli withstand. from what i c, it also not ur fault, as love affair is usually quite complicated, onli the person who went through will knw the pain , outsiders usually cannot help much...except maybe advice.
:) slowly get over the r/s, which is time can heal the wounds
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Originally posted by seotiblizzard:
. Wah why so nice now? the sudden change?
Really? then...YOU CAN GO AND DIE!
H
A
P
P
Y
?
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blame urself.
u're a weaklin.
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
it's not a grudge tt i bear against my ex. this is a guy who has hurt me time and again. yet i still don't really blame him because there's just no point to it. it's only been a mth since i cut off all contact wif him, and only because i changed my hp number. normally he wld yell at me, and then after some time start calling me back again. is it so selfish of me to want to prevent myself from getting hurt again? i am really afraid that having to talk to him again will bring back old memories, both good and bad.
i have apologised to her over sms. i also explained tt i've finally let go of the rs after all these mths, and i don't want to have to talk to him again. she says she is busy and even if i explain the circumstances to her, it doesn't take away her disappointment that i can't play a bigger role at her wedding. maybe it's cos she didn't really understand. after all, she was nv ard when he shouted at me, grabbed my arm and said all sorts of nasty things. the things she heard were fr me and i didn't tell her all of it.
i'm pretty sure tt i'm not her best friend. she has many other close friends besides me. but i am one of her oldest friends. we have known each other for more than ten yrs and she has every reason to be disappointed.
it's up to her now, i guess. other than saying sorry, there is nothing else i can do, short of taking back my words and agreeing to be bridesmaid. but that would be silly, and certainly i don't treat this as a joke. the damage has already been done.
actually i do have some regrets abt my decision. i realise now that it's really going to have a bad impact on our friendship. but a decision is a decision. it may be a mistake, but i don't want to treat it lightly and change my mind. besides i'm sure she wld've found a replacement by now.
If that is the case, then Did You Attend Her Wedding?If yes, then you can drop her as a friend as there are better friends out there. She's married to that guy's (your ex) good friend, and I won't be surprised if your friend, her husband, your ex all disliked you, cos your friend would be closer to her husband and and believe him when he told her what a bitch you are from his good friend. People are dumb and naive to believe one another's tales and maybe that's why we have IMH for this kind of retards.
If no, then she's probably upset that you didn't turn up for her wedding to wish her well with your $$$. Alot of poor married couples are quite calculative about the amount of "wedding rebate" they are receiving from their carrot-headed guests. Since she doesn't treat you as her close/best/good friend, then she has no reason to be upset with you for not turning up at her wedding....unless she's retarded with a mentality of a 4 years old.
If I were you, I wouldn't even have bother to apologise to her if I have known how she ranked me as an unimportant friend to her. Alot of times, the only way to make anyone happy is to give in to her imagination. And in this case of your friend, since she thinks of you as an unimportant friend, so maybe you SHOULD behave like an unimportant friend for her to feel right and normal again....cos if that's how she has always thought of you, the kinder you are to her, the more upset you're going to make her feel and the more she is going to hate you.
Sometimes it is necessary to lose in order to win in life.
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the wedding is in december. i will be attending. i will be going twice, church and dinner to wish her well. to me, that also shows my blessings for her and her husband... and i feel that my smses have been concilitary.
i can't keep saying i'm sorry... i will just leave it... it's really up to her... if she can't forgive this... then there's nothing i can do. it's a waste to lose her friendship for this... just like i felt it was a waste to lose my rs... and i wish things were back to the past when we cld go on double dates together and be happy... but things have changed... pple change.. and i can't insist on her continuing to be my close friend if she doesn't treat me like one...
if i've been selfish, can't the same be said for her? she knows tt he has hurt me deeply... and it all happened quite recently. and she knows tt deep down i still have feelings for him, and tt's why it's not a gd idea for me to talk him before i have moved on. if she really understood like she claims, she wld not take it on our friendship by ignoring my calls and replying to my smses in a curt way. not talking abt it now or not answering my calls will only make things even worse in the future right?
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huh, so u will be going but u cant be her bridesmaid?
...................
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ya of course i'm going! as a guest... to share in her joy..
only bcos my ex is one of the best men, i told her i wanted out fr the bridesmaid... cos gotta talk with the best men at her house. i told her tt i didn't want to talk to him.
fr what i know, she already has other bridesmaids... tho i'm not sure whether there is a fixed number tt she must have...
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i dont get the point. u r going for the wedding but not goign to be bridesmaid.
if i were ur fren i would think its stupid, cuz if u wanted to avoiid him, you would have nt attended the wedding at all.. its like i can see him from far but cannot see him from near? like wth? even if u r not bridesmaid u will still see him wad..
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it does not mean that u would die die have to talk to ur ex?
why must it be that being a bridesmaid means interacting with ur ex?
perhaps u are afraid that the environment might turn sour, but there are tactful ways to deal with it i'm sure?
its not like ur friend dont know that ur ex will be there??
...................................
I'm sure ur fren knows this and doesnt mind that? no wonder she is pissed?
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yes but imagine if i dun attend, will we still be friends after tt?
it will silly also if i dun attend my gd friend's wedding cos of him. i do want to go, it;s just tt i dun wan to talk to him.
if i go as a guest, i will be with other friends and we'll be seated at different tables...
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
yes but imagine if i dun attend, will we still be friends after tt?
it will silly also if i dun attend my gd friend's wedding cos of him. i do want to go, it;s just tt i dun wan to talk to him.
if i go as a guest, i will be with other friends and we'll be seated at different tables...
U already rejected to be her bridesmaid, now u go as a guest... wow how would she feel?
Yea i agree that it is damn silly to no be the bridesmaid becos of ur ex. and also, u need not talk to him at all.
jeez. now u know why ur friend is pissed???
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the house is quite small... not many pple... and bridesmaids have to "serve" the best men all the gross drinks and make them do strange stuff.. i can avoid talking to him directly, but it wld be weird right? since there's just the few of us... and all the friends there know tt we used to be a couple.
she feels that both of us can let go of our unhappy past for one day... and just celebrate for them... for her, it's smth v easy to do... but i dun tink i can do it cos our rs ended in a lot of pain and anger.. till now, i still feel sad when i think abt him... it's only been a mth since i cut off contact with him completely.. even if i go and successfully pretend tt there's nothing wrong, it will really hurt me inside.
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I'm sure she did not mind the environment turning sour and that is why she tried to convince u to be there.
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maybe it's easier for guys ba.
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i think she expects tt it won't turn sour.
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Originally posted by cathykitty:
i think she expects tt it won't turn sour.
It might not just be that she expect that it wont turn sour, it might also mean that she doesnt mind if it turn sour.
How will it turn sour if you dont make it sour?
its all in you. weak?
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u blame it on all & sundry except urself.
u juz wan ppl to concur wif ur lousy argument.
y cant u simply admit dat u're a selfish weaklin.
u wldn't be in such agony if u cld identify urself as the prob.
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dunno. can't guarantee. i guess basically i also feel tt i dun wan to be forced to do smth tt i am uncomfortable with. i have nv asked her to do anything tt i know will hurt her, and i expected her to understand how i feel.
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sometimes in life, u have to weigh ur priorities...
its either sticking it out for ur friends and celebrating her best day in her life, or avoiding it and making urself feel better but in the process losing the friendships that u have.
You have already made that decision. i am not even sure how are u going to make amends....
In fact, the whole event will be even more sour when u turn up as a guest...
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thanks girl. have u ever been dumped before by someone you loved deeply? or been in love before?
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u're such a joke.
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yes you're right. i have weighed my priorities.. and i have favoured myself, because i felt that i had a really traumatising yr last yr with my mum's cancer diagnosis and then the break up... and i feel tt i am not ready to celebrate her best day with her as her bridesmaid and to face my ex bf up close.
most of our close friends who are married are there as guests, so i will definitely still be joining the occassion.
like i said before, i do regret my decision after seeing her reaction. but i dun want to change my mind now, because tt will just make her seem as tho i was treating it like a joke. but i am not.
i just felt tt i deserve to be good to myself for once, and i don't need to do what my friends expect me to, just to be considerate, even though i know it will be bad for me.
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Ask urself, will u invite any tom, dick and harry to be ur bridesmaid?
Unfortunately u didnt return her the favour..
perhaps u didnt regard her with the respect that she had for u.
Sad.
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i might be soft hearted where love is concerned, but i am not a weak person. had i been weak, my mum would've died long ago. she was in hospital for three months with no treatment because someone misdiagnosed her cancer as a benign tumour.
her doctors told me that it was almost the end and they could not find the cause. had i not stayed strong and found another better doctor for her, she would not be here today.
had i been weak, i would not have approached the doctors afterwards and even a minister to get the money that we spent at the hospital.
so my dear, i can tell you, with confidence, i am a strong person.
of course you might have eaten more salt than i have eaten rice, so maybe u would know better. in any case, thanks for your feedback.