what should i do. sigh.
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Originally posted by Woahaha:
yeah quite true. but you know he's the rather stubborn kind. sometimes, i cant help but to wonder if he's thinking of me as often as i am thinking of him each day.
嗨算了... ç”±ä½ åŽ»å�§. Good luck.
*pats*
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Originally posted by Woahaha:
it could also be a case of me being too vocal and him keeping things to himself all the time?
sigh.
communication also means listening to what he isn't saying but showing.
so if you keep talking .. no 'chance' for him to start explaining either.
ANYWAY i always feel that if u need to change a person too much for him to be happy with you, or for you to be happy with him - then hor.. not meant to be loh.
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Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:
ANYWAY i always feel that if u need to change a person too much for him to be happy with you, or for you to be happy with him - then hor.. not meant to be loh.
Agrees.
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I think i am quite a rational person. i guess that if he is willing to talk, i will be more than willing to hear him talk..
the only thing i want him to change would be his stubborness to talk about whatever he is unhappy with. this habit of his is really not going to help in any relationship he is in what?
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he will change when he wants or realise when it is time to do so.
will it be at the right or wrong time, or perhaps never, we will not know.
Just do what you can. fate.
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yeah, i guess i wont cry anymore. let miracles happen again, if it happened once, it might happen another time.
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Originally posted by Woahaha:
I think i am quite a rational person. i guess that if he is willing to talk, i will be more than willing to hear him talk..
the only thing i want him to change would be his stubborness to talk about whatever he is unhappy with. this habit of his is really not going to help in any relationship he is in what?
what i am saying is - if you need him to talk (say in words) to understand what is bothering him - then mebbe also u don't understand him enough or observe him enough.
communication isn't just about words/talking.
Some people find it harder to express in words. and yeah u are right, people like that always find it harder to get along with others. We all have failings ba - and i always find it most touching when someone understands me without me saiyng a word.
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i have been thinking about it too..but seriously, he doesnt SHOW that he's unhappy at all...and when he does, its just bad news..
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it's so hard for girls to find a guy as me...
dunno why.........*hiakz*
Anyway anyhow, if cannot bring to an understanding/compromisation after thrashing out the negatives, what's the point of being togather again?
come on...who doesn't have bad points....
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well mebbe its also dynamics lah. but.. some times cannot 'qiang qiu'. ilke pitot say... time and place for everything - even relationships.
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we havent even gotten the chance to thrash anything out yet :(
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then do it...
if he doesn't want to...so be it....dun waste time....
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Originally posted by Woahaha:
we havent even gotten the chance to thrash anything out yet :(
Tried calling him?
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nope. we met today, or rather yesterday, and he treated me with hostility...and knowing his character, i know he wont pick up any of my phonecalls.
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dunno who is now in the role of char bor.....
he sounds so gu niang to me....:lol:
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LOL. you made me laugh.
haha nah, he's a man. just that when he's angry, he darn stubborn.
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Originally posted by Woahaha:
i got a serious topic here...and i need comments, and suggestions >.<
so i was with this guy for 2.5 years when we broke up. we quarreled a lot then and after one major quarrel, we eventually broke up. it was an unpleasant break up and we didnt remain in contact after that at all.
10 months after we broke up, he contacted me again. we talked for awhile and eventually patched after realising that we were still very much in love with each other.
although it seemed awkward at the beginning, we soon got over it. during this period of time, i would say that it was the happiest period of my life. it seemed to me that both of us have grown up and handle things more maturely now. i would say we have become more understanding towards each other's feelings. this was one problem we used to have in the past.
we lasted for another 5 months together without any major quarrels. we were like any other happy couple out there, i was happy, i knew he was too. he once mentioned that he feels we are very stable now and i thought so too, until he left me again.
the thing is, he usually doesnt tell me what he is not happy with me. and out of the blue, he mentioned a break up telling me that he "cannot stand a lot of stuffs".
all i know is that it is accumulated anger all let out at once.
what irks me a lot is, that i dont even know whats the reason why we broke up.
why cant he tell me what is it that he is not happy with? why does he tell his friend but not me? why does he like to accumulate anger in him and not tell me about it and choose to left it unsolved by leaving me at the end?
we met up today, and i tried to talk to him. he seems to still be angry over some hurtful stuffs i said last week (even though i said sorry) and was still persistent with his decision of a break up. he was rushing off to somewhere else so i didnt really have the chance to persuade him any further.
should i wait for a while before i talk to him again?
or should i just move on without this guy in my life?
I don't think it's fair for us to tell you what you should do with this guy.But if you want to find out the answer for yourself, you can try to imagine getting married to him.
Will he walk out on you one day out of the blue?
Will he become a better person after he's married?
I believed you should have the answers that you seeked since you are the person that knows him the best....and not us.
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it's either a "ACT" or "Highly Egositic".....
it's his failure to address the negatives side of you and to make the understandings works....and thus, improves the communication n relationship....
why his failures? Becoz he doesn't like and for sure, that'll bring conflicts as he can't accept or compromise the negative sides of you...but however, even before reaching to this stage of compromisation, the 1st step was not even taken....Ego? Pride? Petty? SELFISH?
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um actually what i really meant was, he could tell me if he thinks i was controlling him too much yadayada..so speaking up would really be to his benefit? =/
thanks parn, you got me thinking HARD.
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if u do get a chance to talk to him abt this... i suggest u dun use words like "stubborn" and then try to suggest that he change himself. since he's already broken up with u, we can safely say tt ur previous methods of making him solve problems rather than run away are not working... if u really wan to get back together, do change the way u approach the problem.
if u really love him, and treasure the relationship, pls try to think more positively of him... focus on his good points rather than his bad habits... and also, really consider what went wrong in ur first and second try at the relationship. were his complaints justified? if yes, change the way u talk to him.
i can't tell whether he still feels the same way for u, since this is just fr ur pov. jus curious... u didn't even realise tt he was unhappy in the rs. what makes u so confident tt he still loves u? :/
it is likely tt he confided in his fren cos he felt tt he cldn't talk to u... sometimes, it's nt abt the actual ctrl... sometimes it cld be the tone of ur voice tt bothers him, or the way u offer him suggestions... dun do it in the "teacher" way... most guys have their pride when it comes to money issues... he may feel slighted if u offer ur suggestions in a "i know better than you" kind of voice... have u ever complained at one pt or another abt him being broke? if u have, i suggest u don't do it again...
after all, u're only his gf... u dun need to help him so much with his everyday life... trust tt he knows what to do with his own money. and if he doesn't... i tink he will prefer learning abt it himself rather than being taught by his gf. u jus have to be there to support him when he's broke...
having said all tt, if u feel tt u actually haven't been ctrlling him at all... then u do need to face up to the possibility tt all the probs btw u may be cos u guys are too different in personality and nt compatible for a long term rs. both of u may actually be happier with other pple.
it takes two hands to clap. u can't change him if he doesn't want to change himself.
it's better if u think carefully abt ur compatibility before u guys even make contact again.
give him some space too, to think over what happened. and make sure u two agree on a solution for the lack of communication (it seems to me) that caused the breakup... otherwise... no point getting back tog.. u will jus break up again cos of the same prob.
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hi girl, i think you should leave him. there are much better guys out there and i'm sure you'll find someone more suited for you. please don't waste your time and feelings on someone who doesn't deserves it. why settle for something less?
take care ok
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Originally posted by Woahaha:
i got a serious topic here...and i need comments, and suggestions >.<
so i was with this guy for 2.5 years when we broke up. we quarreled a lot then and after one major quarrel, we eventually broke up. it was an unpleasant break up and we didnt remain in contact after that at all.
10 months after we broke up, he contacted me again. we talked for awhile and eventually patched after realising that we were still very much in love with each other.
although it seemed awkward at the beginning, we soon got over it. during this period of time, i would say that it was the happiest period of my life. it seemed to me that both of us have grown up and handle things more maturely now. i would say we have become more understanding towards each other's feelings. this was one problem we used to have in the past.
we lasted for another 5 months together without any major quarrels. we were like any other happy couple out there, i was happy, i knew he was too. he once mentioned that he feels we are very stable now and i thought so too, until he left me again.
the thing is, he usually doesnt tell me what he is not happy with me. and out of the blue, he mentioned a break up telling me that he "cannot stand a lot of stuffs".
all i know is that it is accumulated anger all let out at once.
what irks me a lot is, that i dont even know whats the reason why we broke up.
why cant he tell me what is it that he is not happy with? why does he tell his friend but not me? why does he like to accumulate anger in him and not tell me about it and choose to left it unsolved by leaving me at the end?
we met up today, and i tried to talk to him. he seems to still be angry over some hurtful stuffs i said last week (even though i said sorry) and was still persistent with his decision of a break up. he was rushing off to somewhere else so i didnt really have the chance to persuade him any further.
should i wait for a while before i talk to him again?
or should i just move on without this guy in my life?
Often, people conclude that the reason to patch is because 'they
still love each other', but the conundrum is actually having to
differentiate habitual reasoning against that of love. And I can tell
you that the feeling derived from the latter can be equally formidable.
Unless one possesses incredibly heightened self awareness, we are
likely to be suck into a previous misery with excuses provided as
above.Your man displayed periodically disruptive burst-fire in his relationship - suggesting strong Uranus influence. Also, his behavioral stance towards his relationship reeked streaks of avoidance-styled personality and this creates a fertile ground to breed enmity and contention because the day when he finds you is the day of judgement.
For Love, like dough, needs to remake and remodel constantly, to settle into a good shape - a relationship devoid of proper communication stays static and is vulnerable to destruction because it lose the elasticity to survive.
Your man is probably subjected, typically, to the belief that 'you ought to know what is wrong, yet you don't work towards changing it'. This is probably a classic narcissistic perception that exist only in the psychological framework of the individual and this have ruined even the best of relationships.
It's almost like you walking around with your friends, doing some xmas shopping, while you are about to perish (literally) from hunger. Even as you look listless and weary, they continued their journey. Eventually, you suffered this acute gastric pain and blew up, blaming them for causing you this plight.
So does the fault lies with the person or his/her friends?
Neither.
Because the root of problem is about non-communication.
Your man probably has another set of problem - his inability to communicate kinda fueled his tendency to resort to initiating breakup to ease his emotional tension. He might probably regret and comes back (however sincere) to sell you the 'belief' stated in my first paragraph. But seriously, that's not the point because the cyclical routine of such meaningless 'break-patch' pattern will shrink and become shorter to achieve one full circle, with every break-up experience.
Life is finite - seriously, you don't have to stop your pace completely just because you reckon that you might want to give him another chance. It is possible to saunter forward, while deciding if you were to place another blind bet on leading a paranoid relationship that could, any time, transformed itself into a sudden episode of departure, without adequate reasoning. If you could still afford to weather such possible cataclysm, then he definitely still has a fighting chance in your heart.
P.S: Love is very much 51% decision and 49% superfluous factors.
Cheers
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thanks for the two long replies. okay acutally right here i like to thank every single one who has replied to this thread, or will reply to this thread. truly appreciate it, i am starting to see light in this situation i am in right now, haha :)
regarding, cathykitty's "i can't tell whether he still feels the same way for u, since this is just fr ur pov. jus curious... u didn't even realise tt he was unhappy in the rs. what makes u so confident tt he still loves u? :/"
okay lets put it this way.
on thursday afternoon, he asked me out, telling me that he misses me a lot but i was occupied with my school work so i couldnt meet him.
on thursday night, we argued.
on friday, we broke up.
hmm, do you think he still loves me?
i like to think that he still does.
i thought we could sort things out slowly while we were still together but things happened too quickly in such a short span of time that i cant even keep up with it.
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actually, i'm gonna have to say "no." it's not enough to prove tt he still loves u.
sorry babe.
i do admire ur confidence tho... and i hope tt u're right abt him... take care k? and think carefully before getting back into a "premature" reconciliation. give it some time.