To break or not...
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i'm really at a lost now.i have been with my gf for more than 1yr but to me it seems that we have grown apart.Even simple conversation will also lead to arguement.Im very tired.I'm really wondering are we really compatible.
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Maybe you can tell us a little bit more about the r/s, before we could comment.
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Agreed... whether the both of you are compatiable anot is not really the issue - your make your own decision and see for yourself whether you both are really compatiable anot.Originally posted by Honeybunz:Maybe you can tell us a little bit more about the r/s, before we could comment.
Speak about your relation and how negative/positive the situation is... I help you analysis best of my ability.
Cheers -
Originally posted by Yunhaier:Agreed... whether the both of you are compatiable anot is not really the issue - your make your own decision and see for yourself whether you both are really compatiable anot. Speak about your relation and how negative/positive the situation is... I help you analysis best of my ability.
Cheers Oh man. Did you keep track of how many anaylsis you have done? -
it more boils down to character difference from what i see.she's independent,no nonsense type and those "hao shen" type.as her results are quite gd(from primary to university),she's pretty confidence but sometimes over confidence.this is one ting i hate.i on the other hand is more subdue,down to earth.add to the fact that we have little things(eg. hobbies) in common.throughout this 1yr plus,i'm the one that do most to maintain this r/s.she on the other hand places everything else above this r/s.add to the fact that i'm a man of few words and not that gd at expressing my thot,so i think it ends up in this bad state.moreover,we dun talk much during weekdays but only sms.even sms we only send less than 10 messages.i have told her that i hate using sms cos it really can't express fully and correctly a person's thot and feeling but she just refuse to call me at home.and we only meet on one weekend.the rest of the days she would either go home and rest or go for her MLM.meeting on weekday is a thot that neber cross her mind.sigh...i'm really very tired trying initiate seeing on weekday or even talking on phone.it just seem so difficult for her to go the extra mile. Originally posted by Honeybunz:Maybe you can tell us a little bit more about the r/s, before we could comment.
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What do you see in her?????Originally posted by loti:it more boils down to character difference from what i see.she's independent,no nonsense type and those "hao shen" type.i on the other hand is more subdue,now to earth.throughout this 1yr plus,i'm the one that do most to maintain this r/s.she on the other places everything else above this r/s.add to the fact that i'm a man of few words and not that gd at expressing my thot,so i think it ends up in this bad state.moreover,we dun talk much during weekdays but only sms.even sms we only send less than 10 messages.i have told her that i hate using sms cos it really can't express fully and correctly a person's thot and feeling but she just refuse to call me at home.and we only meet on one weekend.the rest of the days she would either go home and rest or go for her MLM.meeting on weekday is a thot that neber cross her mind.sigh...i'm really very tired trying initiate seeing on weekday or even talking on phone.it just seem so difficult for her to go the extra mile. -
She's not really a lousy girl.at least she's filial to her parents and she's independent.but i hate her hard to convince character.whenever we argue,she always like me to quote an example to illustrate the pt but i always cant.it's just not my character to remember in my heart what are the mistakes ppl make.so in the end she's still not convince.Originally posted by Honeybunz:What do you see in her?????
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ultimate qns
in the past yr
what is the % of u being happy/sad??
decide for urself... -
Originally posted by Parka: Oh man. Did you keep track of how many anaylsis you have done? dunno... its all in the mind bah. But seriously speaking - most people's problem always revolve around the same issues over and over and over again. Unless those unique ones - then maybe I will remember better bah.
*Ok next time speaking to parka must post like what Parka always do... lol*
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Do you know why all these is happening?Originally posted by loti:it more boils down to character difference from what i see.she's independent,no nonsense type and those "hao shen" type.as her results are quite gd(from primary to university),she's pretty confidence but sometimes over confidence.this is one ting i hate.i on the other hand is more subdue,down to earth.add to the fact that we have little things(eg. hobbies) in common.throughout this 1yr plus,i'm the one that do most to maintain this r/s.she on the other hand places everything else above this r/s.add to the fact that i'm a man of few words and not that gd at expressing my thot,so i think it ends up in this bad state.moreover,we dun talk much during weekdays but only sms.even sms we only send less than 10 messages.i have told her that i hate using sms cos it really can't express fully and correctly a person's thot and feeling but she just refuse to call me at home.and we only meet on one weekend.the rest of the days she would either go home and rest or go for her MLM.meeting on weekday is a thot that neber cross her mind.sigh...i'm really very tired trying initiate seeing on weekday or even talking on phone.it just seem so difficult for her to go the extra mile.
Because the traditional role of a man and woman is inter-switched and to make things worst - the personally of one another. A woman who is hao shen and a man who wants to maintain that relation firecely. People often say opposite attracts - yes, it does - but in the process of maintaining - friction often occurs.
Why have you went with her in the first place? How long have you known her before you both went together?
Your weakness is the inability to express yourself well - while she being the haughty girl stood high up in her esteem and as the result? - communication is clashed and clogged up.
Seriously speaking - if this is how lowly she sees this relation - have you ever asked her why she went with you in the first place? It takes two to clap - you can't lead a relation with yourself.
The main thing is that the problem doesn't lies with you - it lies with her. You have to throw those questions to her at a very polite way the next time you are meeting - with the wanting to settle it once and for all - useless trying to drag problems on and on.
You said you can't express yourself well - prepare what you want to ask and say before hand. Never raise voice or get worked up and rage when speaking - you only stir her defensive mechinism to resist and defend herself. You style of communicating must be calm and rational.
Ask her why she went with you, what she sees in you. Whether she thinks the relation is going down the drain anot - ask whether she wants to work it out if her answer is yes. And express your view if her answer is no.
Main thing is to tell her beforehand that you do not seek arguement - you seek understanding and empathy in this conversation.
From the conversation - you will already made the decision whether you want this relation to go on anot.
Cheers -
it's a really a twist of fate the we come together.4yrs ago i "chase" her before but was rejected cos she still can't forget her first love.After she ask me to buzz off,we lost touch for 3yrs before she saw me one day and send me a card.From there,we meet up and started to be together after abt 3mths.Thinking back,maybe it's a bit too fast and rush.I have always ask her how she feels the r/s is going and everytime her reply is ok,which really puzzle me.If she's feeling ok,why i'm not??Is my expectation too high??Originally posted by Yunhaier:Do you know why all these is happening?
Because the traditional role of a man and woman is inter-switched and to make things worst - the personally of one another. A woman who is hao shen and a man who wants to maintain that relation firecely. People often say opposite attracts - yes, it does - but in the process of maintaining - friction often occurs.
Why have you went with her in the first place? How long have you known her before you both went together?
Your weakness is the inability to express yourself well - while she being the haughty girl stood high up in her esteem and as the result? - communication is clashed and clogged up.
Seriously speaking - if this is how lowly she sees this relation - have you ever asked her why she went with you in the first place? It takes two to clap - you can't lead a relation with yourself.
The main thing is that the problem doesn't lies with you - it lies with her. You have to throw those questions to her at a very polite way the next time you are meeting - with the wanting to settle it once and for all - useless trying to drag problems on and on.
You said you can't express yourself well - prepare what you want to ask and say before hand. Never raise voice or get worked up and rage when speaking - you only stir her defensive mechinism to resist and defend herself. You style of communicating must be calm and rational.
Ask her why she went with you, what she sees in you. Whether she thinks the relation is going down the drain anot - ask whether she wants to work it out if her answer is yes. And express your view if her answer is no.
Main thing is to tell her beforehand that you do not seek arguement - you seek understanding and empathy in this conversation.
From the conversation - you will already made the decision whether you want this relation to go on anot.
Cheers -
See? Realise why I ask those questions? Lost touch 3 years - then 3 months only then be together? Hasty is one problem - don't you find it strange since she has already rejected you before and even ask you to buzz off, then out from the blue she sent you a card? Don't you even find it weird?Originally posted by loti:it's a really a twist of fate the we come together.4yrs ago i "chase" her before but was rejected cos she still can't forget her first love.After she ask me to buzz off,we lost touch for 3yrs before she saw me one day and send me a card.From there,we meet up and started to be together after abt 3mths.Thinking back,maybe it's a bit to fast and rush.I have always ask her how she feels the r/s is going and everytime her reply is ok,which really puzzle me.If she's feeling ok,why i'm not??
Don't ask her how she feels about this relation - anybody will just say ok. Ask her WHY after she accept you now? Ask her why now she decide to give you chance now instead? her first love leh?
I suspect there is more than meet the eye - don't ask general question. Be specific and to the spot. In my mind now - it is churning out are many possible complication. You have a serious need to have a decent conversation with her.
Do not delay further and keep a neutral heart (neither too hopeful nor too negative).
Prays -
Originally when we resume contact,getting together is not on our mind.We just wanted to be friends but as things go on,it just end up....The reason why she accepted me is she has forgotten abt that guy and have moved on.Moreover,she find my character accepted but as i agree with you,there's a need for me to ask again.I dun think there's any hidden intention cos before,she has already tried going out with a few guys but it din work out.Originally posted by Yunhaier:See? Realise why I ask those questions? Lost touch 3 years - then 3 months only then be together? Hasty is one problem - don't you find it strange since she has already rejected you before and even ask you to buzz off, then out from the blue she sent you a card? Don't you even find it weird?
Don't ask her how she feels about this relation - anybody will just say ok. Ask her WHY after she accept you now? Ask her why now she decide to give you chance now instead? her first love leh?
I suspect there is more than meet the eye - don't ask general question. Be specific and to the spot. In my mind now - it is churning out are many possible complication. You have a serious need to have a decent conversation with her.
Do not delay further and keep a neutral heart (neither too hopeful nor too negative).
Prays -
Do you think this is the relationship that you want? I mean... 1 year is not a very long time nor is it a short time for a relationship (most important of all, relationships can be independent of time...)... There're certainly other kinda relationships out there... (though it's no guarantee that you'll get what you want...)Originally posted by loti:i'm really at a lost now.i have been with my gf for more than 1yr but to me it seems that we have grown apart.Even simple conversation will also lead to arguement.Im very tired.I'm really wondering are we really compatible.
Be HONEST to yourself... Though she could have been the one whom you've always wanted (you courted her before...) and within this 1 year there're bound to be feelings involved in your case... But DO YOU THINK she's truly the one for you...? Never mind you're the one who went for her... Never mind what you've promised her (which you probably won't be able to keep up to as things get out of hands for both of you...)....
WHAT you want? And ask again... WHAT you THINK she wants...?
Personally, from a SURFACE (shallow...) opinion... There is quite a likely chance that all this could be just an ILLUSION.... You're just there for the sake of being there in this relationship.... And she's just there to make the story complete....
That's all I can say from my point of view and whatever information you've provided.... When in doubt, I would advice... Go discover yourself..? Ask yourself what you want....? Your DREAM or the REALITY....? -
...... Often after a failed relationship, one of the greatest fear which lingers on a victim's mind would be to be hurt again.... So having someone who REALLY LOVES her (and would not even think of hurting her) seems quite a probable decision...? Especially if she just having this relationship for the sake of having it...? Sorry, hope there's no offence for me being so straightforward... Nonetheless, all this is just my SURFACE DEDUCTION... Not based on much analysis to make it any more reliable.... Another advice upon hearing my opinion... Do not jump to conclusions too soon and too easily... Might put something good to waste at times....Originally posted by loti:I dun think there's any hidden intention cos before,she has already tried going out with a few guys but it din work out. -
Resume contact and getting together not on mind - suddenly remain as friends and things goes on just ended up like that? I am not saying she has hidden motives or what lar... Its always good to remain clear.Originally posted by loti:Originally when we resume contact,getting together is not on our mind.We just wanted to be friends but as things go on,it just end up....The reason why she accepted me is she has forgotten abt that guy and have moved on.Moreover,she find my character accepted but as i agree with you,there's a need for me to ask again.I dun think there's any hidden intention cos before,she has already tried going out with a few guys but it din work out.
But why now then find your character accepted? Last time not meh? I mean... WHY must after 3 years no contact then within 3 months, her preception in you is like totally different in which she is able to accept you now? She did try go out with other guys, but why ended up with a guy she rejected before? I mean I am not probing her motive/intention beneath what she is to you - but have you ever ask all these questions? I am trying to figure your stand/position clearer so that you would sort out yourself.
Here is one hint you could seek: If she treats this relation in such a way - always look at her past relationships - is she so cold to her ex-bfs, etc? If no... then you need to understand more about her and the definition of your relation. -
She say she notice a change in me after these 3yrs.She say last time i'm more "selfish"(which i dun agree) and dun care much abt how she feel.Now i'm not.As for ur 2nd question,i really din ask her.She din really have any ex.Her 1st love is not successful cos it's a one-sided affair.As for her subsequent ones,it all din really start.It all ends in the "testing" phase due to a couple of different reasons.She din really maintain any contact with all the previous potentials,either the guy is not willing or she's not willing.Actually i'm trying to sort out these thots before V-day cos i believe V-day is the day which i can have a gd talk with her.Originally posted by Yunhaier:Resume contact and getting together not on mind - suddenly remain as friends and things goes on just ended up like that? I am not saying she has hidden motives or what lar... Its always good to remain clear.
But why now then find your character accepted? Last time not meh? I mean... WHY must after 3 years no contact then within 3 months, her preception in you is like totally different in which she is able to accept you now? She did try go out with other guys, but why ended up with a guy she rejected before? I mean I am not probing her motive/intention beneath what she is to you - but have you ever ask all these questions? I am trying to figure your stand/position clearer so that you would sort out yourself.
Here is one hint you could seek: If she treats this relation in such a way - always look at her past relationships - is she so cold to her ex-bfs, etc? If no... then you need to understand more about her and the definition of your relation. -
Good I pray for your success of this talk - be it for the better or worst - at least if can get you out of your choking phrase.Originally posted by loti:She say she notice a change in me after these 3yrs.She say last time i'm more "selfish"(which i dun agree) and dun care much abt how she feel.Now i'm not.As for ur 2nd question,i really din ask her.She din really have any ex.Her 1st love is not successful cos it's a one-sided affair.As for her subsequent ones,it all din really start.It all ends in the "testing" phase due to a couple of different reasons.She din really maintain any contact with all the previous potentials,either the guy is not willing or she's not willing.Actually i'm trying to sort out these thots before V-day cos i believe V-day is the day which i can have a gd talk with her.
Noticed a change in you and that change you don't even agree? - possible that she say just for the sake of saying?
Have a nice talk with her dude, plan your questions and style of speech beforehand. Refer to my prior post for you above. Good luck
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Jumping to conclusions too soon and easily i agree is not gd.As you pt it out correctly,i really dun want mess things up just becos of some misunderstanding but i also dun want to drag things cos it will cause more hurt to me and her.Honest and frank feedback is what i'm seeking now.Originally posted by Devil1976:...... Often after a failed relationship, one of the greatest fear which lingers on a victim's mind would be to be hurt again.... So having someone who REALLY LOVES her (and would not even think of hurting her) seems quite a probable decision...? Especially if she just having this relationship for the sake of having it...? Sorry, hope there's no offence for me being so straightforward... Nonetheless, all this is just my SURFACE DEDUCTION... Not based on much analysis to make it any more reliable.... Another advice upon hearing my opinion... Do not jump to conclusions too soon and too easily... Might put something good to waste at times....
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haiyah.... same as me... happened to me too. exactly the same, except that i was like u and my ex was like ur gf.
in the end break up liao... but i feel happier this way. no more heavy load....
but im not encouraging u to break lah.. try communicating each other's wants and needs... communication is really VERY important..... -
all the best to you loti, i hope you can make your decision in whether this type of gir is suitable for you a not. Though, its kindda hard to communicate with her... make sure you both have plenty of "quality time" if you wanna keep this relationship. Let her know quality time is that you both talk things out face-to-face...
well, if you said that she always stay at home..you tried going down to her house to accompany her? -
tat's not possible cos she wants to be alone when she's at home.Even when she's sick,she dun want me to visit her.Originally posted by bellez:all the best to you loti, i hope you can make your decision in whether this type of gir is suitable for you a not. Though, its kindda hard to communicate with her... make sure you both have plenty of "quality time" if you wanna keep this relationship. Let her know quality time is that you both talk things out face-to-face...
well, if you said that she always stay at home..you tried going down to her house to accompany her? -
thks for all the replies and support from u guys and gals.i really appreciate it.i really hope things will turn out fine for us.maybe we are really having a communication problem,esp so for me.sigh...
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I wish you all the best..Originally posted by loti:thks for all the replies and support from u guys and gals.i really appreciate it.i really hope things will turn out fine for us.maybe we are really having a communication problem,esp so for me.sigh... 
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Well well. This case is not a simple one.....
