Thinking of living alone.
-
Haneys,
All parents are protective of their children, irregardless of gender or age.
Your parents do not want you to get cheated or conned by outsiders. And indeed the world is a precarious place.
Having a child leave the nest is a heart wrenching phase for any parents who love their children.
Your father's reluctance to let you go could be due to the fact that you are going to co-own a house ( a substantial investment) with a colleague ( an outsider) . His worry is that she may take advantage of you, and it is indeed possible if you are not careful and do not protect yourself with sufficient legal knowledge. Disputes between co-owners are very common, even between family members.
Remember, you will always be his little girl. And he will always be obliged to shield you from any harm or deceit that this world may want to inflict on you.
I suggest you rent a room in very close proximity to your parent's home. Try it out for a few months before you decide if living independently is the right decision for you. It may seem very desirable.. but in reality, it is not as rosy as it may seem.
That way, your parents may feel that you are on your own, but within easy reach should you require their assistance.
Freedom always comes at a price.
Based on what your posted, I have a feeling you have not told the full story for each incident.
While your parents are strict religiously, and restrictively, are they also teaching you how to protect yourself ?
If you are the naive and gullible type, then I can understand why your father is not confident that you can survive outside and will be compelled to keep you in a sheltered bubble until a man he can entrust you in marriage comes into your life.
-
well,if i am u i 21 i will leave the house i don't care who opinion, since the family so bad but i will think a few days plan first where to live and who to live with.
And is your friend can trust one,don't do weird weird stuff like play mahjong on the night,bring guy come home etc.
then is ok 1 it you find a job. just yr family side may be alittle worse to communicate with yr father,especially too conservative.
hmm, like what they say some forumer here say. it u don't like staying there with yr friend, you can move back home. cos your family, sure want u back. only mouth bad, cannot lose face, admit lose type?
-
Hmm....frankly i dun think u can really consider urself living alone...since u are living with another friend....but it is good to move out and be independent....as for buying property with a friend....really not highly recommended....i myself move out long ago and live alone.....really do enjoy the freedom tat comes with it i must say...
-
you're 21 now, you can do what you want with your life, and if you're dad is not happy with that, well it's really unfortunate.
Tell him you need to make your own experience, and even if you appreciate all his advices, you feel that you need to try stuff by yourself now.
Tell him that in let's say 6 months you will get your own room in a place near your familly house. It will give him some time to think about it, and you will be around to discuss it. You can commit to come back every week end for the first 3 month, and eat with your family 3 week days on 5. And with time you start to reduce your visit, just make it 2 week days, spend the week end in a sport’s club,… Do it gradually.
Parents are one of the most valuable thing you have in your life, and we should cherish them. But good and loving parents need to let you go too, as it’s how life works. You can chose to make sacrifices for your parents, which will show how you appreciate the sacrifices you parents made for you, but don’t give up on your life.
If nothing work, you should really think about meeting a shrink, or some counselor who could help you to settle a meeting with him and your parents to discuss about it.
BTW did you talk about your problem with your religious leader (I don’t know which word I should use to describe him), he may help you to talk to your parents… -
1. Your dad's attitude is nothing new to you, and you had probably grown up through the years with such attitude. Living in a free society and being educated made you more aware of your own personal freedoms and rights as you grew up.
Freedom always comes with a price and it must be paid, it comes not freely, please never, ever be misled into thinking otherwise. Question is, are you prepared to pay that price?
a. Can you withstand being an outcast created by those who love and care about you?
b. Can you take the abuse by your brothers and relatives with unkind labels that will ultimately come?
c. Can you harden your heart to your loving mother or those who love you and are torned by such conflict when she pleads with you to come home?
2. We can always choose our friends, but we can never, ever choose our parents. They are all we have in this world, took care of us when we are mere toddlers - protected us, sheltered us from harm, fed us and would even give up their own precious lives for us.
What they do may seem illogical and downright authoritative, a yoke upon our freedom minded brains - but do know that they do so only with love and concern, as they deem and believe so.
Therefore you are heading for a mortal conflict, a storm of epic proportions in which you are the lead actress in your own movie of life. Only you alone can determine the ending, but it will not be bloodless or without pain either way...
3. My suggestion to you is:-
a. You are only 21 years old with more years ahead. Strategise your freedom plan - slowly, painlessly through actions to show you are responsible and capable of indepence, eg - staying out an extra hour late once a week, then twice, then thrice.
Let him slowly be aware and gain acceptance of your maturity. To challenge and fight now is...I dare not imagine the consequence, made more painful by the fact that the fight is among those that love you and you love.....
-
2 option left...
1, either do it ur way and ignore ur dad feeling and face the music....
ie, move out, cut his connection from u to the min...
2. get him to see from ur perspective.... which is os the hard way.
try to include him in ur activities and gain his trust. ie, him trusting u to live independently. but that is one slow and hard process. Invite him out to ur routine... be is with frens and event... start slow and small...
either he get sick of it or he fully let go. Do it with other ppl support. get ur sister, mum or relative to put in good word for u.
Some old folk tend to listen to someone and most of the time, that someone is a person not close to them... dun be surpprise how much more weight a stranger have on ur dad then someone as close to him as u, his daughter.
Try to keep him inform of ur activities.... old folk tend to let their imgination run wild more often then we desire....
-
Erm... financially? How much are you drawing every month?
To buy a house? do you even have the ability to co own a house?
Even if you do, any of you above 35? To acquire a hdb would require this age through proper channel. unless you can pay full hard cash to the owner of the flat.
-
Its heart-warming to know that im not alone in this, and thank you each and every one of you for your two cents worth about this matter.
Isit even possible for me to agree with ALL ur opinions? But reading through this thread, i find myself nodding at almost every post you guys made. However, i am starting to lean towards jojobeach and MyLord_L's reasoning because one of the reasons why i balk at moving out is coz i am really close to my siblings and mum and as much as i can, try to accept things the way they are.
However, thank you also to Mar.enzo for suggesting i write a letter to my parents to express my grievances since i cant speak out when arguing with my them... i shall try the method and hope for the best. *cross fingers* hope things dont turn ugly though!
Now thinking twice about co-owning a house with my colleague after the negative claims u guys made...Im going to give it a few days to sort things out, and i wont rush this bcoz its a big decision to make.
Once again, thank you all of u for your thought-evoking comments.....
-
LOl luckily my parents is damm strict but they dont care about my gfs LOl ...btw just a question did your bf leave u?lol if so u got to seriously..move out...coz this is ridiculous lol...let your dad like think about what he done and then move back ...
-
nope, my bf didnt leave me...but if this goes on, i think theres a big possibility he might. i think hes getting sick of how controlled my life is and how he cant really do anything to help the situation since hes afterall still an outsider until we at least get engaged.
and even though my dad says not to hold hands and stuff, there are just some things u just abide to?
like having a relationship and walk 1metre away from each other?? thats crazy stuff. and i know better than to be the docile daughter and abide to EVERYTHING.
-
I do not recommend you to buy a flat, house, or any property.
It is even more unrecommendable to buy it with a friend.
This kind of setup will make a new problem in the future.
-
Honestly, the best way to solve any problem is to face the problem itself. In this case it'll be from your father. No matter how reluctant you are discussing this with your dad (even after knowing roughly how and what will his reaction be), you still have to tell him.
Let him know how you REALLY feel..
-
jus move out.
ur dad is beyond reasoning.
-
Originally posted by Haneys88:
nope, my bf didnt leave me...but if this goes on, i think theres a big possibility he might. i think hes getting sick of how controlled my life is and how he cant really do anything to help the situation since hes afterall still an outsider until we at least get engaged.
and even though my dad says not to hold hands and stuff, there are just some things u just abide to?
like having a relationship and walk 1metre away from each other?? thats crazy stuff. and i know better than to be the docile daughter and abide to EVERYTHING.
Well then why havn't he proposed to you yet ?
And besides... does your dad follows you everywhere you go with your date ?
-
Originally posted by Haneys88:
However, thank you also to Mar.enzo for suggesting i write a letter to my parents to express my grievances since i cant speak out when arguing with my them... i shall try the method and hope for the best. *cross fingers* hope things dont turn ugly though!
A letter could be a good way for communication. BUT do spare a thought on the consequences.1. Refer to your dad's attitude. He already has a fix mindset developed over the years, re-inforced over time, and is a way of life. His concept of love for his children is woven into his belief system and he believes he is right. Do you think a letter would help change his concrete walled mind? Letter works on open-minded people, not on closed minds. This forum's speakers corner is a good example of what i mean.
2. Worse still, he may see it as an outright rebellion against his cherished system and things may indeed turn ugly and turn worse against you, with his automatic reflex action defense systems alert and fully up.
3. As his belief system is largely based on religious espousitions and experiences, he may find it difficult to convey or express such beliefs to you, as religion requires a leap of faith, and is something that would sound illogical and out of touch to modern but inexperienced with the world minds. You would only find him out of touch with reality and this will only deepen the bitterness between the 2 of you and the rest of the family. Not everyone can express themselves well.
Instead, why not take into consideration what some others are suggesting - get someone else to have an open talk with him?
1. Find a kind uncle whom he respects and listens to, and express your need for more spaces. Stick to only how his attitude had affected your work, and not your relationship.
You must realize that the 3 party will be responsible for your life if anything goes wrong and will have to take the blame. Relationships and money are something no many would dare guarantee. But if it is work, any human will understand the need for longer hours and dedication to work, espacially in these bad times, where employment is precious.
2. The best person to help would be the religious teacher or priest that he listens avidly to. He would be in the best position to help and counsel your dad. Only if such religious entity are equally open-minded, which i......
3. Always remember that when you have to choose between bf or family, consider the alternatives when adversity strikes. Would your bf be responsible for your life and take care of you when you choose his side in a confrontation, or your parents and family offer solace?
Make a wrong choice and you will stand alone in this world.
True love is eternal, patient and kind. You still have a whole life ahead of you. BFs one can meet many, but family - only one.
But still, in the end, it is your choice and each must be prepared for consequences and face them bravely. Every action will always entail one or several reactions, as sure as the newtonion apple that fell on Issac's head.
-
I say move out at the first opportunity. Having someone control your life like that must have had (and will continue to have) devastating effects on your self esteem.. I suspect you'll find your newfound freedom exhiliarating, as i did as soon as i'm away from my parents who were also extremely extremely controlling.
Yea your family may in a twisted sense mean you well but intention alone wont lead to your happiness in this case. Explain to your family of your intentions and if they really do mean you well they'll support you otherwise its a shame but not as bad as if you stayed with your family and give up your chance to live a life of your own.
I used to get into heated arguments with my family too, it was me versus my family, they threatened here and there and i felt so alienated and frightened.. Until after i'm away from them i realized that their threats were merely just to control me, all i feel for them now is just pure rage and anger
Anyway don't be frightened of their threats, even if they come true they are not worth your time anyway and you would have gained your freedom and happiness - you'd have lost nothing
-
it would be gd if u can find someone who u think ur father would listen to, to talk to ur father. By confronting ur father urself, would only make things worse. u need to identified a mediator; that person could be ur mum, or maybe uncle/aunty or even his religion teacher.
however the hard part would be to convince that mediator to speak for u as ur father seems to be rather stubborn. however i believe he is just being protective. all those takes time n u just need to find the right person who is able to convince ur father to loosen up his mindset abit and all should be fine.
-
with your kind of thinking..
i don't think you are even suitable to be living alone.
first of all flats in singapore is expensive, no matter co-owning it with who. it will normally be paying 50-50
don't mind telling you
if i have a girlfriend i won't let her stay overnight too..
but then again you have to sit down with ur dad and talk to him...
not holding hands is abit over protective..
-
hmm, can i ask ur opinion on this, whether im just taking it too hard? Coz i just want to understand why my parents are this way:
after quitting my full time job as a store manager last Oct because my dad didnt like it, right now im working part time, getting a little over 450.
Last time i used to give my parents about 350 per month to help with the house bills and another 300 goes into my insurance. With my part-time job, for several months now i give 50 to my parents on my payday coz its all i have left over after doing my monthly budget and 178 goes into my insurance.
$550 = House Bills per month
$450 = My Paycheck
$5-$7 for food per day for work, 5 days a week = plus minus 120
$30 = transport
$178 = insurance
Left = $122
i stopped giving money to my parents this month coz i do go out with my friends and going out needs money one way or another. And yea, a girl needs some new clothes once in a while.
But i promised that i will give money if i have extra or when i start my full time job in July but i can see theyre not happy. My dad is a retired marine police officer and now works at his own time and pace, getting about 900 per month and my mum is working part time getting 600 per month.
My parents exact opinion on this is; " If you feel indebted to your parents and you have some conscience in you, you will give us money every month even if you have to bring a lunchbox to work"
Ur thoughts on this?
-
wat religion r u?
-
Originally posted by Haneys88:
hmm, can i ask ur opinion on this, whether im just taking it too hard? Coz i just want to understand why my parents are this way:
after quitting my full time job as a store manager last Oct because my dad didnt like it, right now im working part time, getting a little over 450.
Last time i used to give my parents about 350 per month to help with the house bills and another 300 goes into my insurance. With my part-time job, for several months now i give 50 to my parents on my payday coz its all i have left over after doing my monthly budget and 178 goes into my insurance.
$550 = House Bills per month
$450 = My Paycheck
$5-$7 for food per day for work, 5 days a week = plus minus 120
$30 = transport
$178 = insurance
Left = $122
i stopped giving money to my parents this month coz i do go out with my friends and going out needs money one way or another. And yea, a girl needs some new clothes once in a while.
But i promised that i will give money if i have extra or when i start my full time job in July but i can see theyre not happy. My dad is a retired marine police officer and now works at his own time and pace, getting about 900 per month and my mum is working part time getting 600 per month.
My parents exact opinion on this is; " If you feel indebted to your parents and you have some conscience in you, you will give us money every month even if you have to bring a lunchbox to work"
Ur thoughts on this?
A child will forever feel indebted to his/her loving parents for the care, love and the roof over their heads.
But money is not the only way to repay the debt.
Every parent still needs attention from their child. Their presence is the biggest gift of all.
I remember talking to a old couple. Their children are all high flyers.. professionals who earns hundred of thousands per year. They bought expensive properties.. send them to expensive holidays. The old couples have a HUGE savings from the monthly contributions which they hardly use and plan to give back to their already wealthy grandchildren for they fear reprisal if they donate to charity.
But they are not happy. They only get to see their children.. once a year.. only during Christmas.
They lament that.. so what if they are rich in money... they feel empty inside. They rather their children call them more often.. visit them more often with the grandchildren.
As a child.. you have the right to question your parents. Does the amount of money defines how much love and respect I have for you ? Do you prefer to see more of my money or more of me ?
If you have not been giving enough of your attention to them.. then perhaps your money is the only thing they can expect of you .
-
Originally posted by Haneys88:
Hi everyone, much needed advice here.
Im a female, turning 21 this year and have recently thought of living alone with a colleague when she expressed interest in buying a house together and co-owning it.
My family is religious and very strict, especially my dad. He controls just about everything in my life; my job, my friends, the way i dress and even the tv shows i watch and frankly im getting sick of it. I have numerous times tried to sit down and talk to my parents about my unhappiness, but they are conservative and think that only their opinion matters and i should just follow whatever they decide for me.
Instance 1: My first perm job was as a manager at a convenience store and i really liked it there. There are times where i have to work after hours as i hate to leave my work unfinished or the store unruly, and when my staff are having problems, they would call me at home and i would give them advice over the phone. My parents think i place my staff above family and whenever im working late, they would repeatedly call and shout for me to come home thus disrupting my work flow. I do not agree since whenever i have my off days, i do stay at home and spend time with them like eating out together, shopping with my little sisters and taking off for BBQs and holiday trips etc.
In the end i quit the job because my father said im neglecting my religion and the family and that im doing too much for the company. He disapproved of my previous job at Sentosa and made me quit also when i came home at 11pm one day after eating out with my colleagues courtesy of the manager because we achieved our target sales.
Instance 2: I have a bf, and right from the beginning my father told me i cant hold hands with him. Above all, i seldom even watch tv but just recently whenever i do find the time to sit down and watch my fav shows, he would come and tell me to switch the channel and watch a religious forum with him. There was one time he forced me to sit with him while the forum talks about MARRIED WOMEN BEING ABUSED, just because i have a bf.
Also, my father does not allow any of his daughters to overnight at a chalet, even though we're already 21years old and even if its an all-girls chalet because he has a negative outlook of the world and thinks overnight-ing is not our religion's 'way of life'.
These are just some instances from the many other things i do not see eye-to-eye with him. And when i expressed the desire to live alone and to finally be independant and make my own decisions now, he told me that if i leave, i can forget about coming back home. He won't look for me and he would regard me no longer part of the family.
Of course, financially and mentally i am ready to live alone, but thinking about the future, i am a bit hesitant. I would need my father to give me away when i get married in the future and what if after living alone for a few months i realise its not something i want to do in a long run; i do not have the luxury of returning home and reconciling with my family.
Help me pleaseee, ur comments are much appreciated!
Thank you.
your dad is ok what. what he do wrong? buy house? why not u rent first.. after 3mth u will regret already....
-
Originally posted by Haneys88:
hmm, can i ask ur opinion on this, whether im just taking it too hard? Coz i just want to understand why my parents are this way:
after quitting my full time job as a store manager last Oct because my dad didnt like it, right now im working part time, getting a little over 450.
Last time i used to give my parents about 350 per month to help with the house bills and another 300 goes into my insurance. With my part-time job, for several months now i give 50 to my parents on my payday coz its all i have left over after doing my monthly budget and 178 goes into my insurance.
$550 = House Bills per month
$450 = My Paycheck
$5-$7 for food per day for work, 5 days a week = plus minus 120
$30 = transport
$178 = insurance
Left = $122
i stopped giving money to my parents this month coz i do go out with my friends and going out needs money one way or another. And yea, a girl needs some new clothes once in a while.
But i promised that i will give money if i have extra or when i start my full time job in July but i can see theyre not happy. My dad is a retired marine police officer and now works at his own time and pace, getting about 900 per month and my mum is working part time getting 600 per month.
My parents exact opinion on this is; " If you feel indebted to your parents and you have some conscience in you, you will give us money every month even if you have to bring a lunchbox to work"
Ur thoughts on this?
your dad disallow you to go work, yet he demands $ every month (what feel indebted shyt).... wtf is this?
-
Originally posted by I-like-flings(m):
your dad is ok what. what he do wrong? buy house? why not u rent first.. after 3mth u will regret already....
where got ok sia.... you ok or not?
her dad is really too much liao lor.
-
I think maybe you can try to seek advice from someone whom your father respect in the family, someone who has the same religion with him indeed. See if this person has a different prespective then you can ask him/her to talk to your dad lor...