Need help desperately. Depressed about marriage life
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I'm 38 yrs old male. married for 7 yrs (incl. this yr). my marriage has been rough right from the start. i ve no children till now (but also mainly at certain point in our marraige, i decide i should not ve any) on the 1st 2 yrs of my marriage, she had constantly been having a bad temper scolding or critizing me on my untidiness, my hobbies, my habits, my family and so on.
i think i'm a soft-spoken and thoughful person and so i often self-reflected on her comments and start to change for her. i know i'm not an untidy person, just not as tidy as her. she likes things to be exactly the way she wanted e.g. towel folded in a certain manner, cups place at a certain position, carpet laid out flat and straight (i.e no flipped corners) etc.so, every time the house's tidinees is not up to her expectations, she will flare up and start scolding and critizing me. also,
i'm a gamer and love to diy my PC too. I also love to read books too. i often spend 5 days a week playing PC games 2-3 hrs. she knew about these before we marry but as soon as we were married, she clam down on it. again she will flare up the moment i start up my PC, saying i don't give her any attention, i wasting too much time, etc. i tried to negiotate with her to play only 1-2 hrs for 3-4 times a week but she won't have it. so i gave it up almost completely. i still play when she is out with her frens or when she is working late (which is not very often).
so i start spending more time reading. once again, she was very angry saying i spent too much money buying the books and comic and again wasting too much time. i was a little pissed off by now but still loved her, so again i compromised and cut down on all my hobbies to almost zero time or none at all.
i don't have many friends but we still meet occasionally. some of them are female. again she knew about them before marriage but won't let me go out with them at all after marriage, saying i should spend my time with her only. again, i thought maybe she is not feeling comfortable with marriage life, so i stop seeing my friends and stay with her at home most of the time or visit her parents and relatives.
by the 3rd and 4th yrs, i became depressed. i became very tired easily since i'm always tense, always checking the house are in order (tidy). always checking if i'm giving her enough attention. somehow i still couldn't meet up to her expectations...so, i was also always tense..readying for her next scolding. it was also this year that we talked about divorce, we had 3 major quarrels and i mentioned about divorce. initally she would agreed...but then she would back out, saying she can't live without me. she even threaten suicide. we went to marriage counseling but she coulldn't accept the counsellor's comments, got angry and said i caused the problems that make her always getting angry. so, our counselling sessions ended without any results.
by this time, i lost interest in the marriage life or life in general and was in a depression. i seeked help for my condition and start taking medication. She knew about it but thought it was just for my tiredness. I also didn't bother to explain to her anymore 'cos it was getting so hard just to live another day. naturally, during these few yrs, we didn't have any sex. in the 1st 2 yrs, she was always angry. in the next 3-4 yrs, i was always tired and i started having many different problems with my health. by now, she sensed something was wrong, we talked and she agreed to change, be less controlling, less anger.
however, from the 5th yrs onwards, i found i don't love her anymore. i don't know when i stop loving her. i couldn't find back the feeling i had for her before we got married. i'm not angry with her or anything, i just don't ve any feeling for her. i still take care of her like any husband, celebrate her birthday, anniversay, valentine days, go holiday, etc. i believe she knew about it too 'cos she told me she don't want me to care for her but to love her. i tried to love her but i can't. i tried telling her it's not working but she started ignoring the problems. she rarely throw temper now but she also not facing the fact that we are both unhappy.She also start asking to have a baby.
This was when i realised i cannot continue with the marriage life. i totally think she is immature, insecure and making the situation worse if we have baby. i'm unsure how to break the problems to her 'cos each time i tried to talk about it, she will flare up again and telling me to shutup.
also, my depression is getting worse and i've visited various psychologists and psychatrists without any good. the doctors told me to talk to her parents but her parents are supportive of her to have a baby (in between there are many stories/issues at her parents side that complicate the problem of talking to them) . i'm too tired to fight her temper and ignorance now. i wish somebody can help me to solve my problem.
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good God
can you paragraph your essay?!?!?!?!?!
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i did. not sure why it turn out like that.. this is my first time posting. let me try again.
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Sometimes a baby can help a relationship or break it since it diverts attention from the couple to someone else that both cares about.
However if you really feel its so tough being with her and such, would a seperation be good? Maybe give each of you a break to think about the relationship before deciding on the future.
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no one can help u solve ur problem if u won't sit down with her and talk abt the problem... it won't be easy, but if it's giving u depression, u have to face it... face her....
having a baby will only complicate and worsen the existing issues... some woman tend to think if they have a baby, then there won't be any more problem...
communication is the key... tell her how u feel, ask her how she feel.... if u don't communicate, then thr is really no pt hanging onto the marriage. and coming to sgf won't solve ur issue either...
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talked to her before about it...but she won't have it. her reply is she will die w/o me.....i guess the problem is i need her to do some self-reflection too about the marriage problems but she appears to think nothing is wrong or ignoring it.
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Imo, think bout it carefully about having a baby ..
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having a baby should be the last thing you 2 should have at this point
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Just propose a seperation for you 2 to think about the relationship. Whether to divorce or not can be decided after that. Try to meet up with your real life friends etc since you should need more support to get over depression.
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you haven't had sex with your wifey for the past few years ? ....
no wonder you're depressed ....
sex can bring the intimacy back into a relationship you know .....
why don't you try it ....... some women get antsy and crabby if they're not satisfied in that department .... go have a good lub tonight, I'm sure you two would be nicer to each other the next morning .....
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Originally posted by Fatum:
you haven't had sex with your wifey for the past few years ? ....
no wonder you're depressed ....
sex can bring the intimacy back into a relationship you know .....
why don't you try it ....... some women get antsy and crabby if they're not satisfied in that department .... go have a good lub tonight, I'm sure you two would be nicer to each other the next morning .....
Ya, i read somewhere bout this too.
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Grey,
I strongly recommend you hold off the baby making until you resolve the problems you have with your wife.
She is insecure.. she knows she's losing you. And she wants to tie you down with a baby.
She is inflicting emotional abuse on you. Obvious use of emotional blackmail.
Yes.. she wants you to love. her.. but she doesn't love. you.
She does need you.. and she probably can't live without you.. after all.. how many men out there will tolerate her behavior ?
Having a baby will be worst... the last thing you want is to have a baby and resent it. Once the baby is out. you can't send it back for a refund.
Be strong.
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I think worse to worse....file for a seperation instead of a divorce to see how things go
Sometimes things improve when both take a step back
It's really hard if she she refuses to recognize the problem
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Originally posted by Fatum:
you haven't had sex with your wifey for the past few years ? ....
no wonder you're depressed ....
sex can bring the intimacy back into a relationship you know .....
why don't you try it ....... some women get antsy and crabby if they're not satisfied in that department .... go have a good lub tonight, I'm sure you two would be nicer to each other the next morning .....
Fatum, I think you got this backwards.
Sex does not bring about initmacy. It's intimacy/emotional connection that brings about good sex.
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Originally posted by kopiosatu:
having a baby should be the last thing you 2 should have at this point
x2! -
Originally posted by Fatum:
you haven't had sex with your wifey for the past few years ? ....
no wonder you're depressed ....
sex can bring the intimacy back into a relationship you know .....
why don't you try it ....... some women get antsy and crabby if they're not satisfied in that department .... go have a good lub tonight, I'm sure you two would be nicer to each other the next morning .....
i think from wat he posted, depression is the cause of the lack of sex, not the result of it...come on, will u fuck the one tat forcing u to see a psychatrist? and frankly, if till now she dun think there is any problem when her hubby has to take medication for depression, having sex will 'assure' her that her marriage is perfect...
grey, tell her there is an issue... bring her to see your psychatrist to prove to her there IS a problem if needed... a problem ignored is a problem unsolved...
she'll die w/o u, but if she cont'd ignoring the problem, u'll die with her.... -_-"
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Fatum, I think you got this backwards.
Sex does not bring about initmacy. It's intimacy/emotional connection that brings about good sex.
If both of them dun even got the mood for sex (maybe i phrase it a wrong way) .. I think its like a dead end liao.
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what I'm saying is, it can be the cure too ....
sure, other issues are the turn-offs on the sexual front ....
but hey, sex is a happy thing, neh ? .... just think of the post-coital endorphin glow if nothing else ... and, like it or not, it would let the fellow re-balance the "power" in the relationship too, he's being brow-beaten and bullied by the wifey all day ... men needs to be able to feel like a man too you know, something ladies often forget ... and a good way is sex, cos like it or not, sex is mostly male power play.
in my books, sex beats prozac any day .....
plus ... 一夜夫妻白日� .... I'm sure the wifey would be nicer to the chap the next morning.
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Originally posted by Midlusionz:
If both of them dun even got the mood for sex (maybe i phrase it a wrong way) .. I think its like a dead end liao.
Ya know.. for a woman to really enjoy sex.. she needs to be emotionally connected to the man.
In TS's case.. she can open her leg.. but with so much resentments, insecurities and anger inside her heart.. I highly highly doubt.. she's actually enjoying it.
So even if they have sex.. it doesn't mean there's emotional connection.
So it's not surprising there's no sex.. because the WHOLE marriage is already meaningless.
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Err i dun mean enjoy good sex but look it as a way to create initmacy to salvage the marriage abit .. Having or enjoying sex is another story.
Sorry jojo if i sound offending or rude
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As a woman... reading TS's post..
The saddest part is TS's wife asking for a baby when everything seems to be falling apart.
I seriously doubt TS's wife even truly loved TS when they got married.
It almost sound like.. the wife got married to get out of some undesirable situation in her life. Much like a union for convenience.
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Well, there was once my relationship was at the edge of breaking apart and i tell myself that the only way not to feel is to disconnect with her. Meaning dont care, cos when you don care your heart don feel hurt.
For a man to remain in a marriage for 7 years mean something. although at times may feel like div but something must have hold you back. if not you would have go ahead for div regardless of anything.
And i think if there isnt any third party, i think the relationship is still good. As it is just a mismatch of lifestyle. Just like riding a single bicycle in the past where you are free to choose your speed you want to go and your direction you are going, but now you have shift from a single bicycle to a double bike, you may be the one sitting in the front or the one sitting at the back, you still have to adjust your padeling speed, if you padel too fast she cant catch up and if she padel too fast you cant catch up. What i am trying to say is that she have to adjust to you and you also have to adjust to her. Thats about living together.
If she wants you to become the person she wants, then too bad she can try going to factory and order one husband. If you hope that your wife to be lovely to you, understanding everytime, caring forever, blah blah blah. Then it time to face reality.
It is a good move to ask for help, cos that shows that you want to work on it. Go read up about books on relationship. I dont think she gonna scold you for that, if she knows that you care about this relationship thats why you want to read about it. And not to make her feel that this relationship need help. Just that you want to put in effort to make the relationship sweeter.
Five languages of love. Not sure if you had come across this before. We give love and receive love differently, prehaps what you have been giving is not love to her and likewise for her.
Work it out buddy. What women wants? sometime they dont even know.
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Originally posted by Midlusionz:
Err i dun mean enjoy good sex but look it as a way to create initmacy to salvage the marriage abit .. Having or enjoying sex is another story.
Sorry jojo if i sound offending or rude
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The last thing a woman wants.. is sex she cannot enjoy.
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Ok if this is the case .. TS pls dun have a baby at this point of time.
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Originally posted by Fatum:
what I'm saying is, it can be the cure too ....
sure, other issues are the turn-offs on the sexual front ....
but hey, sex is a happy thing, neh ? .... just think of the post-coital endorphin glow if nothing else ... and, like it or not, it would let the fellow re-balance the "power" in the relationship too, he's being brow-beaten and bullied by the wifey all day ... men needs to be able to feel like a man too you know, something ladies often forget ... and a good way is sex, cos like it or not, sex is mostly male power play.
in my books, sex beats prozac any day .....
plus ... 一夜夫妻白日� .... I'm sure the wifey would be nicer to the chap the next morning.
Err.. I think when it comes to the point when you really don't love someone anymore - For that matter - when you are no longer even attracted to someone - Nope, sex is a torture.
The worst type of sex is obligatory and indifferent sex.