Need help desperately. Depressed about marriage life
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Originally posted by Fatum:
what I'm saying is, it can be the cure too ....
sure, other issues are the turn-offs on the sexual front ....
but hey, sex is a happy thing, neh ? .... just think of the post-coital endorphin glow if nothing else ... and, like it or not, it would let the fellow re-balance the "power" in the relationship too, he's being brow-beaten and bullied by the wifey all day ... men needs to be able to feel like a man too you know, something ladies often forget ... and a good way is sex, cos like it or not, sex is mostly male power play.
in my books, sex beats prozac any day .....
plus ... 一夜夫妻白日� .... I'm sure the wifey would be nicer to the chap the next morning.
sex is not abt power play, anw u just stated one of the reasons why some rapists rape helpless women
and pls, he's been so depressed and emotionally beaten by his wife, u think he still can stand to be intimate with her?! pun not intented, oh well maybe it is...
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I learn something today
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I am glad you have the presence of mind to be strong about not having children.
Some relationships can be draining. It seems to be that your efforts in keeping the relationship going is draining all your resources for the rest of your life.
After 7 years, it looks like you have tried your best to make a good marriage for yourself and your wife. Unfortunately, marriage takes two hands to clap. it isn't even a blame slinging exercise anymore - it really doesn't even matter who is at fault.
At some stage, when you realise that, it isn't working despite having tried everything - someone needs to move on from there.
It will probably be ugly and leave bad scars on both of you. But a strangling relationship will end up with both parties badly wounded anyway.
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thanks everyone for your comments. i think the comments are really good. i like to reply on some of the comments.
i m holding bck b'cos i'm afraid she'll really do something silly. i don't think i can live with that. her threats of suicide is not that unreal. she have tried to climb out of the window before and i had to hold her bck.
as for sex, i don't think it's going to work anymore. maybe in the 1st 2 or 3 yrs of our marriage. now? i don't think so b'cos now i don't want to continue to relationship anymore. can i love her again if i've sex with her? i don't think so...just thinking about her give me a headache.
i also think the problem is now with me...b'cos i didn't want the relationship to work anymore..but i just don't know how to get her to sit down and talk it out maturely and properly...and i know i m dragging the problem b'cos i'm not strong and of cos, the depression is not helping to make me stable and strong. (hence, i'm here seeking for advices)
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Take two hands to clap .. Even if u put in 100% effort .. She dun put in any .. Result most likely will be the same.
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query: does she think there's a problem with your relationship? what's her take on this?
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
thanks everyone for your comments. i think the comments are really good. i like to reply on some of the comments.
i m holding bck b'cos i'm afraid she'll really do something silly. i don't think i can live with that. her threats of suicide is not that unreal. she have tried to climb out of the window before and i had to hold her bck.
as for sex, i don't think it's going to work anymore. maybe in the 1st 2 or 3 yrs of our marriage. now? i don't think so b'cos now i don't want to continue to relationship anymore. can i love her again if i've sex with her? i don't think so...just thinking about her give me a headache.
i also think the problem is now with me...b'cos i didn't want the relationship to work anymore..but i just don't know how to get her to sit down and talk it out maturely and properly...and i know i m dragging the problem b'cos i'm not strong and of cos, the depression is not helping to make me stable and strong. (hence, i'm here seeking for advices)
the more u drag the more difficult it will be... cos it'll soon not by 7 yr, but 8, 9, 10 etc etc etc....decide which is worse, facing her with ur intention to divorce (i figure tat's wat u wanted from ur post... correct me if i'm wrong) or cont'd handling ur problem for the rest of ur life with her? i hope u find the courage and strength to seek true happiness...
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well, i don't want this to feel like a one sided story..although i'm posting about my problem (not hers).
she'll say after work, she'll take care of the house - clean the house, wash, dry and iron the clothes, etc. (i help out in vaccuming and mopping the floor. i help occasionally to wash the clothes and i'm the one who cook. she don't really know how to cook).
she thinks i'm the one who stopped loving her (which is true) and the one who is not putting in any effort in the marriage by not loving her or giving her a baby (which is also true..at least in the these 2 yrs).
but the point is i want a way out..and she want to make me stay...
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Originally posted by Fatum:
what I'm saying is, it can be the cure too ....
sure, other issues are the turn-offs on the sexual front ....
but hey, sex is a happy thing, neh ? .... just think of the post-coital endorphin glow if nothing else ... and, like it or not, it would let the fellow re-balance the "power" in the relationship too, he's being brow-beaten and bullied by the wifey all day ... men needs to be able to feel like a man too you know, something ladies often forget ... and a good way is sex, cos like it or not, sex is mostly male power play.
in my books, sex beats prozac any day .....
plus ... 一夜夫妻白日� .... I'm sure the wifey would be nicer to the chap the next morning.
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if tat's the case, just admit to her u have stopped loving her and u want out... sounds rather cruel, but better than lying to her and dragging the torture...
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i'm not sure if this advice of mine will help..
the bible says this:
Ephesians 5:24-26 (New International Version)
24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word,
Colossians 3:18-20 (New International Version)
Rules for Christian Households
18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
Guys speak the language of respect, women speak the language of love.
and this is a continuous cycle.. for example:
- husband show love to the wife,
- wife feels loved,
- wife shows respect to the husband,
- husband feels respected,
- husband show more love to the wife..
but what if one of them breaks the cycle?
- husband don't show love to the wife,
- wife feels unloved,
- wife don't feel husband deserves respect,
- wife disrespects husband,
- husband feels disrespected,
- husband feels hurt,
- husband continues not to show love to wife.
And this cycle continues until the marraige breaks down.unless one of you realise that you are on this path, and stop it by showing love (to your wife) or respect (to your husband) to your partner, and then the cycle can reverse itself and draw both parties together closer -
look, u can't just slam ppl with bible verses and teachings... 1st of all, please check if he's of similar faith or at least open towards it...
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yes, i did....try to tell her. she will start to cry..tell me to stop. when i didn't, she will say she love me..she just want a simple life. she don't want to go bck to her parents with a failed marriage, etc. she will cry and cry..and beg me not to do this to her...it's very painful for me to see a woman cry (esp. i'm the one to make a woman cry)
however, i've been advised before to be strong..so when i try to continue...she will turn nasty, start throwing stuffs, bangings door, damaging things..shouting....then she'll tell me to shutup..and at one time, she'll even hit me right in the face. then she will go silent on me...and not let me talk to her at all.
it's at this point, i don't know what to do. just pack my stuffs and walk out of the house? what if she do something silly when i'm away?
and can anyone explain what is a separation? how is it different from divorce?
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hi greymeow. it will be good if i can have a talk with both of you.
just pm me your contacts. i'll try to help both of you.
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
yes, i did....try to tell her. she will start to cry..tell me to stop. when i didn't, she will say she love me..she just want a simple life. she don't want to go bck to her parents with a failed marriage, etc. she will cry and cry..and beg me not to do this to her...it's very painful for me to see a woman cry (esp. i'm the one to make a woman cry)
however, i've been advised before to be strong..so when i try to continue...she will turn nasty, start throwing stuffs, bangings door, damaging things..shouting....then she'll tell me to shutup..and at one time, she'll even hit me right in the face. then she will go silent on me...and not let me talk to her at all.
it's at this point, i don't know what to do. just pack my stuffs and walk out of the house? what if she do something silly when i'm away?
and can anyone explain what is a separation? how is it different from divorce?
Correct me if i'm wrong.
A seperation is different from a divorce in that a divorce needs to be agreed on by both parties while a seperation can be a 1 sided affair and after a few yrs of seperation can a legal divorce be made even if the other party does not agree. Its also partly to give both parties time apart to consider their relationship and whether divorce is really what they want.
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i'm okay with the bible verse. in my desperation...i actually seek all kind of help...even religions...although i'm a free-thinker. i saw the verse before too.
i think the break-point is 'wife disrespect husband'...she like to make me feel 'small'...saying i'm untidy, lazy, waste too much money & time with my hobbies, etc..
but of cos, now the verse cycle is true and complete...husband don't show love to wife..
so now what? show her love? no way..
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Originally posted by GreyMeow:
i'm okay with the bible verse. in my desperation...i actually seek all kind of help...even religions...although i'm a free-thinker. i saw the verse before too.
i think the break-point is 'wife disrespect husband'...she like to make me feel 'small'...saying i'm untidy, lazy, waste too much money & time with my hobbies, etc..
but of cos, now the verse cycle is true and complete...husband don't show love to wife..
so now what? show her love? no way..
someone has to start breaking the cycle.
if i may suggest, you put aside your ego for 1 week. do everything you can to show that you love and care for her. buy her flowers, write a card, spend quality time with her (i know not easy)
do everything to show that you love her. then see how she respond. my guess is, she will start showing respect.
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Originally posted by youyayu:
hi greymeow. it will be good if i can have a talk with both of you.
just pm me your contacts. i'll try to help both of you.
ok, youyayu. i'll pm u my contact...but i sincerely doubt i can get my wife to me you or any counsellor.....
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Originally posted by tare:
look, u can't just slam ppl with bible verses and teachings... 1st of all, please check if he's of similar faith or at least open towards it...
i'm not.
i'm illustrating a concept which is based on the bible, and studies done on it.
and he himself agrees that this is the pattern he is seeing.
give the bible more credit la, it works.
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i don't think you are ready to give up on her. you still love her..
its just that both of you are finding faults with each others. and have already lost the loving feeling.
couples, husband and wife. have to keep falling in love with each other over and over again
if you don't love her you won't even bother to post here...
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Originally posted by tare:
look, u can't just slam ppl with bible verses and teachings... 1st of all, please check if he's of similar faith or at least open towards it...
a bible verses and teachings are just books, words to help us guide through our life.
wheather if he/she is a beliver or not. it doesn't matter.
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Sigh, that is why so many so remain single.
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Originally posted by Fantagf:
Sigh, that is why so many so remain single.
is actually..
girls expectation too high
guys earn too little
guys no balls to admit their feeling
5Cs minimum
Living cost Especially when buying a New HDB.
Friends that always insult gf/bf of friends. that making either side scared.. -
Two wolves (beings) reside in each of us, the first is needs, fears, beliefs, jealousy, sympathy,possesivness, insecurity, fear of loss , anger, prejudice, ... the second is love, kindness, emphaty , gratitude.
The one that is fed daily evolves - whom are u feeding, even as u are reading it now?
Both is love - but with a BIG the difference?
the first is ego- infused personality! - it eventually suffocates and kills (accidental)
the second is soul-infused individuality! - it is everflowing abundance (essential)
U are looking for answers on all four quarters when the answers are within; what is missing is the essential, the accidental - aplenty!
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Originally posted by youyayu:
is actually..
girls expectation too high
guys earn too little
guys no balls to admit their feeling
5Cs minimum
Living cost Especially when buying a New HDB.
Friends that always insult gf/bf of friends. that making either side scared..
think in sg, sometimes it is wise decision to remain single. give birth needs lots of money, in malaysia, give birth no need money, only need pay admin fees