Can you forgive him if he hired an escort and had sex too?
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Originally posted by dendenmushi:
oldkid: you claim that you can forgive once, but he's likely to betray again. personally i think you, i or anyone of us not in position to judge if or not he will cheat again. how do you judge? based on his bad excuses? or on the large amount of discriminating evidence? or is you know him personally?
if is the last, you obviously have bias and agenda. otherwise you have no support for your statement.
is up to ts to decides if she believe that he remain faithful, not up to us. all i advise is 2nd chances. how many couples managed to survive a tough period because of a 2nd chance? otherwise, many many husband/wives would have divorced after one mistake already.
but like oldkid say, if he does cheat again, dump him without a second hesitation. he didn't learn his lesson once, and he won't ever learn it.
i do apologise if i appeared to be bias or have agenda. i simply put myself in her shoes. ts had supplied alot of evidence of his straying on page 1 and i just imagine what i will do if i was her. sorry. :p
personally, i feel that pple will judge, discreetly or openly. which is why from judging, conclusions are reached and solutions are offered. there's no such things as "rights to judge" or "no rights to judge". we do not bear the pain of TS or share the responisibilty with TS. TS will need to make a sound judgement of wat to accept and wat to refuse.
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oldkid: i guess thats true, no matter how much we try to be objective, we will still judge, but i guess all we can do is to avoid giving absolute scenarios about people we don't know.
ts most probably feels that the relationship is worth saving, otherwise she won'teven consider forgivng him and ask for advice here.
my suggestion is like that: 2nd chance, if cheat again, no more. drop him like rock.
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Originally posted by dendenmushi:
oldkid: i guess thats true, no matter how much we try to be objective, we will still judge, but i guess all we can do is to avoid giving absolute scenarios about people we don't know.
ts most probably feels that the relationship is worth saving, otherwise she won'teven consider forgivng him and ask for advice here.
my suggestion is like that: 2nd chance, if cheat again, no more. drop him like rock.
totally agree dendenmushi. no matter how much pain or unjust we may feel for TS, we must never give absolute senarios. we can give possibilities but never absolute. also we must account for the fact that wat's impt at the end of the day, everyone happy.
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Deadweight, is the person "i am sorry" really your boyfriend?
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I think u got AIDS and he already got AIDS already ..
This is so terrible...
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Originally posted by dendenmushi:
deadweightheart seems to be in a difficult position. obviously not many girls can forgive indiscretion, much less with escorts, but perhaps can look at it from different angle? he did notcheat emotionally, which to some girls is more acceptable.
from iamsorry's posts, seems quite adamant that its a first and last. sounds like something cheats and gamblers say, but everyone deserves a second chance? at least
to deadweightheart: i don't approve of cheating, but i think that every relationship deserves a second chance. if you're looking for a perfect relationship, i think thats never going to happen because before you know that its the perfect one, you've already left it cos of 1 mistake.
short ninja: faithful guys exist. they were once unfaithful. strangely i find this so true.
jian guo gui hai bu pa hei = see ghost liao still not scared dark?
ultimately is still deadweight's choice. all we can do is advise. but ppl say quan he bu quan li, only advise to patch not advise to leave. their relationship is their's to decide.
I keep thinking about how he can lie with no remorse, do things behind my back and show no guilt. It speaks volumes about his morals and character. If someone can reciprocrate love and respect with betrayal, what does that say about the person?
My heart may be telling me one thing but I also want to show some self love and self respect. Maybe sometimes we should listen to our brains and not our hearts. -
Deadweight, how are things with him?
It seems u still thinking about him... otherwise, why would u return to this thread?
It seems to me, u are communicating with other forum users here hoping he will read these posts, and hopefully wake up his idea.
But I urge u to give him one more chance. Even jailbirds deserves another chance right.
BTW, I am not the clone of him hor~
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Originally posted by jgho83:
Deadweight, how are things with him?
It seems u still thinking about him... otherwise, why would u return to this thread?
It seems to me, u are communicating with other forum users here hoping he will read these posts, and hopefully wake up his idea.
But I urge u to give him one more chance. Even jailbirds deserves another chance right.
BTW, I am not the clone of him hor~
The underlying problem is deeper than all this, it is his character and morals. If he is a person who thinks patronising escorts is fine, cheating is fine then how can I take such a person back? If I were mean to him and unsensitive and love is lost between us maybe he would have an excuse.
But I cannot think of any excuses for him.
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Originally posted by Deadweightheart:
The underlying problem is deeper than all this, it is his character and morals. If he is a person who thinks patronising escorts is fine, cheating is fine then how can I take such a person back? If I were mean to him and unsensitive and love is lost between us maybe he would have an excuse.
But I cannot think of any excuses for him.
I absolutely agree with you. do what you think is right and beneficial. -
If someone willing to spend money to hire a escort for sex, that shows how much intention he has.
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Well, I guess TS already has the answer on what to do. Of cos, thinking of him, the feeling of unjust, anger and hatred will still be there. It is normal. Since u already had broken up with him plus unable to think more excuse for him, then just let it go.
It is always easier said then done.... well, u need to start somewhere. :)
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deadweight: how do you know he thinks that its all fine? i mean, has he tried to give you all kinds of reasons why you shouldn't fault him for patronising these prostitutes? if he has, i think he doesn't feel guilty at all and you should drop him.
If he's been trying his best to get your forgiveness, maybe its time to show a little generosity. a second chance might seem like nothing much but it could be that ray of light that saves a person and a relationship.
i agree with jgho, even jailbirds deserve a second chance. i believe if you could take this opportunity and set things straight with him, you could find yourself in a much stronger relationship that has dealt with a major crisis together.
it is not healthy to simply run off at the sight of any r/s hiccup that pops up and look for another boyfriend. the perfect man you seek will never turn up, because he doesn't exist. everyone will make some mistake at some point in time.
Don't think of excuses for him. Accept that he has done you wrong, and blame him. And at the end of the day, let him make amends and together, move on. I guarantee your relationship will be stronger for it.
Love can't fill empty stomachs, but it can make them feel alot better.
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Originally posted by dendenmushi:
deadweight: how do you know he thinks that its all fine? i mean, has he tried to give you all kinds of reasons why you shouldn't fault him for patronising these prostitutes? if he has, i think he doesn't feel guilty at all and you should drop him.
If he's been trying his best to get your forgiveness, maybe its time to show a little generosity. a second chance might seem like nothing much but it could be that ray of light that saves a person and a relationship.
i agree with jgho, even jailbirds deserve a second chance. i believe if you could take this opportunity and set things straight with him, you could find yourself in a much stronger relationship that has dealt with a major crisis together.
it is not healthy to simply run off at the sight of any r/s hiccup that pops up and look for another boyfriend. the perfect man you seek will never turn up, because he doesn't exist. everyone will make some mistake at some point in time.
Don't think of excuses for him. Accept that he has done you wrong, and blame him. And at the end of the day, let him make amends and together, move on. I guarantee your relationship will be stronger for it.
Love can't fill empty stomachs, but it can make them feel alot better.
What defines trying his best? He sent a bouquet of lilies but when I saw them it was as if he sent a bouquet of venus flytraps and they would snap off my hands if I touched them.
He apologized and said he now knows that I am the only girl he want to wake up to in the morning and hug to sleep at night. But it brought tears to my eyes because I suddenly realised he had nva said that to me before when we were together and now that I hear those words instead of feeling a burst of happiness, I felt revolted. I can't feel any sincerity and I can't find it in me to believe his words.
He came to my house and cried but he had no tears. He says he has no more tears but I think he is just acting. How can he have no more tears when I try so hard but my tears don't run dry?
I think he has never loved me.
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Hmm, look like u got a decision made?
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sibeh draggy
u think this is a teen idol drama?
u already know what u should do, but u still hesitating.
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Originally posted by Deadweightheart:
What defines trying his best? He sent a bouquet of lilies but when I saw them it was as if he sent a bouquet of venus flytraps and they would snap off my hands if I touched them.
He apologized and said he now knows that I am the only girl he want to wake up to in the morning and hug to sleep at night. But it brought tears to my eyes because I suddenly realised he had nva said that to me before when we were together and now that I hear those words instead of feeling a burst of happiness, I felt revolted. I can't feel any sincerity and I can't find it in me to believe his words.
He came to my house and cried but he had no tears. He says he has no more tears but I think he is just acting. How can he have no more tears when I try so hard but my tears don't run dry?
I think he has never loved me.
is that really how you feel? or is that how you want to feel?
do you really not trust his words? or do you not want to trust because trusting means risking being hurt again?
imagine going to a jackpot room and putting one coin in a machine, and if it doesn't win you anything, you immediately move on to the next. odds are you might never find a winning machine unless you are willing to put another coin in.
i talked about your handling of relationships. ie. you leave when you feel there is a problem. maybe you want to clarify your stand. will you attempt to solve the problem together? or will you just leave for the next guy that seems better? remember your own statement about trying out shampoos.
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GRO or Escort only.. come on !!
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Originally posted by Deadweightheart:
What defines trying his best? He sent a bouquet of lilies but when I saw them it was as if he sent a bouquet of venus flytraps and they would snap off my hands if I touched them.
He apologized and said he now knows that I am the only girl he want to wake up to in the morning and hug to sleep at night. But it brought tears to my eyes because I suddenly realised he had nva said that to me before when we were together and now that I hear those words instead of feeling a burst of happiness, I felt revolted. I can't feel any sincerity and I can't find it in me to believe his words.
He came to my house and cried but he had no tears. He says he has no more tears but I think he is just acting. How can he have no more tears when I try so hard but my tears don't run dry?
I think he has never loved me.
I for one am glad you chosed to express your feelings. Many more would be able to share and empathise with such feelings, from both sides, and it would help many more understand the complexities of love and life, just as it would help to put your sorrows into words and see it as a reality coherantly for yourselfWe are only ordinary beings, not celebrities or larger than life personalities. But we all do have similar hopes and dreams. Far too often, we believe, being ordinary people, we are insignificant and only a digit in the huge world we live in.
But the truth is that each individual life matters, regardless right or wrong, for we are all humans, capable of rationality and emotions. Often our social circle is small, or due to self conceived fears, we dare not voice out, or have a more wider viewpoint to draw from
This site, with its anonymity, will give one the courage to do so, at least the beginning of healing process into the real world, as we take in and consider wider viewpoints to help the healing, one way or another, to move on to the journey of life.
Others who don't even have to courage to express it here, will find comfort thru the sharing of your feelings, something which they will relate to, sooner or later, for none lived truly sheltered lives, not even Buddha.
Take your time to heal, just as your bf will need time as well. Stand back and rationalize what had happened, and in time, a better understanding and a stronger relationship will be achieved, with cooler heads than rushing for a decision, a decision that can only be made in a more calm and rational environment tempered with the self heal of time.
I will not support what your bf had done. It is a total act of betrayal, regarless if it is with a pros or other women. A betrayal is a betrayal, no excuses. However, I hope you will take into consideration that he had been honest to you, confessed in full, and had vowed never to do such dishonorable acts again.
As a man, i would admit that the temptation is great, but IT MUST NEVER be an excuse for failing honour and integrity. Everyone of us make mistakes, for without making mistakes, we will never learn or know what is good and bad, what we lost and what we must treasure, BUT we MUST realized that there IS a price to pay.
Your bf must understand it too. Heavenly beings may forgive what we had done, but we may not be able to similarly do so, for we are not heavenly beings, only mortals with emotions and feelings. No one owes anyone forgiveness. Forgiveness can only be given by the wronged party with sincerity and naturality, and cannot be forced upon.
Take your time to reconsider. What you are deciding is something that is vital and crucial, for it will be for life and long term, a life you will be living, not us. I can only say perfection don't exist but is not an excuse to settle for 2nd best. It is what we do to ensure that the 2nd best become the best that matters, and it will take wisdom, patience and courage to make it happen.
True love is a journey shared by 2 and later with children. Only you can help the one you love just as he will help you too. At times one may falther, but the other will be a source of strength and courage to pull one back up. Life aint never a bed of roses, that's why you need someone close to your heart to make that beautiful journey of life, each time one falls in the mistakes of life.
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Originally posted by Deadweightheart:
What defines trying his best? He sent a bouquet of lilies but when I saw them it was as if he sent a bouquet of venus flytraps and they would snap off my hands if I touched them.
He apologized and said he now knows that I am the only girl he want to wake up to in the morning and hug to sleep at night. But it brought tears to my eyes because I suddenly realised he had nva said that to me before when we were together and now that I hear those words instead of feeling a burst of happiness, I felt revolted. I can't feel any sincerity and I can't find it in me to believe his words.
He came to my house and cried but he had no tears. He says he has no more tears but I think he is just acting. How can he have no more tears when I try so hard but my tears don't run dry?
I think he has never loved me.
That's what men do when they are getting DUMPED.
They rather be the party to dump , than get dumped.
If you go back to him now.. he will find some stupid excuse to dump you later.
If you don't want to feel like an idiot later.. then do listen to what your gut feel is telling you.
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Originally posted by Deadweightheart:
What defines trying his best? He sent a bouquet of lilies but when I saw them it was as if he sent a bouquet of venus flytraps and they would snap off my hands if I touched them.
He apologized and said he now knows that I am the only girl he want to wake up to in the morning and hug to sleep at night. But it brought tears to my eyes because I suddenly realised he had nva said that to me before when we were together and now that I hear those words instead of feeling a burst of happiness, I felt revolted. I can't feel any sincerity and I can't find it in me to believe his words.
He came to my house and cried but he had no tears. He says he has no more tears but I think he is just acting. How can he have no more tears when I try so hard but my tears don't run dry?
I think he has never loved me.
I feel very happy for you. Looks like you got your things sorted out. Take care and have a great life ahead =) -
Alas.
Nobody can live on love and fresh air alone.
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Originally posted by charlize:
Alas.
Nobody can live on love and fresh air alone.
Ah...but it is true love that will ensure we be responsible for the lives of our loved ones, meaning we must do all to ensure that they live, not just by air alone, even if we need to sacrifice our own lives. -
Originally posted by xtreyier:
I for one am glad you chosed to express your feelings. Many more would be able to share and empathise with such feelings, from both sides, and it would help many more understand the complexities of love and life, just as it would help to put your sorrows into words and see it as a reality coherantly for yourselfWe are only ordinary beings, not celebrities or larger than life personalities. But we all do have similar hopes and dreams. Far too often, we believe, being ordinary people, we are insignificant and only a digit in the huge world we live in.
But the truth is that each individual life matters, regardless right or wrong, for we are all humans, capable of rationality and emotions. Often our social circle is small, or due to self conceived fears, we dare not voice out, or have a more wider viewpoint to draw from
This site, with its anonymity, will give one the courage to do so, at least the beginning of healing process into the real world, as we take in and consider wider viewpoints to help the healing, one way or another, to move on to the journey of life.
Others who don't even have to courage to express it here, will find comfort thru the sharing of your feelings, something which they will relate to, sooner or later, for none lived truly sheltered lives, not even Buddha.
Take your time to heal, just as your bf will need time as well. Stand back and rationalize what had happened, and in time, a better understanding and a stronger relationship will be achieved, with cooler heads than rushing for a decision, a decision that can only be made in a more calm and rational environment tempered with the self heal of time.
I will not support what your bf had done. It is a total act of betrayal, regarless if it is with a pros or other women. A betrayal is a betrayal, no excuses. However, I hope you will take into consideration that he had been honest to you, confessed in full, and had vowed never to do such dishonorable acts again.
As a man, i would admit that the temptation is great, but IT MUST NEVER be an excuse for failing honour and integrity. Everyone of us make mistakes, for without making mistakes, we will never learn or know what is good and bad, what we lost and what we must treasure, BUT we MUST realized that there IS a price to pay.
Your bf must understand it too. Heavenly beings may forgive what we had done, but we may not be able to similarly do so, for we are not heavenly beings, only mortals with emotions and feelings. No one owes anyone forgiveness. Forgiveness can only be given by the wronged party with sincerity and naturality, and cannot be forced upon.
Take your time to reconsider. What you are deciding is something that is vital and crucial, for it will be for life and long term, a life you will be living, not us. I can only say perfection don't exist but is not an excuse to settle for 2nd best. It is what we do to ensure that the 2nd best become the best that matters, and it will take wisdom, patience and courage to make it happen.
True love is a journey shared by 2 and later with children. Only you can help the one you love just as he will help you too. At times one may falther, but the other will be a source of strength and courage to pull one back up. Life aint never a bed of roses, that's why you need someone close to your heart to make that beautiful journey of life, each time one falls in the mistakes of life.
Thank you xtreyier, your post is very meaningful. It made me realise any decision I make - be it to give up or to forgive - should not be rash.
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leopard will not change its spots, always believe in old sayings that survived from the beginning of time.
The question to ask urself is are u willing to live with it, not whether this will be his last time.
btw, he did only 1 out of the XXXX ? either he's kiddin or u'r kiddin
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Still fighting to see who's in the 'right' ah?