How can I make my hubby love me more?
He is now very focused and consumed by work, which I understand is necessary for men, and I don't wish to stand in his way or disturb him. I really wish I could be more self sufficient and not depend on him emotionally. I know it's very difficult to have to feel bad when you think your wife is unhappy with you not spending enough time with her.
Talk to him. Quality talks. Probably won't happen overnight.
The reason is not to make him feel guilty. The reason is to find a probable solution.
Let him know that what he's ultimately after is not his work. It should be you.
As a sidetrack, think through if there could be other hidden reason (problem) which might be making him bury himself into his work.
Originally posted by Devil1976:Talk to him. Quality talks. Probably won't happen overnight.
The reason is not to make him feel guilty. The reason is to find a probable solution.
Let him know that what he's ultimately after is not his work. It should be you.
As a sidetrack, think through if there could be other hidden reason (problem) which might be making him bury himself into his work.
We already did. He told me he is going thru a difficult phase at work where by he just started a new job, i been asking frens about it and they all say as with all new jobs, there is normally a learning curve that can be challenging at the start, they say it's normal.
Why should it be me that he is ultimately after? I thought men normally put career first. I know my hubby is the sort who puts his career on a high priority and achieving is very important to him.
We spoke already about the issue, and he kept on insisting it's not about me at all, and it's really about work. He also said he feels he's not living up to his own expectations.
I dont mind him focusing on his work, but i just wish he won't shut down emotionally from me when he does. When he is deep in focus in his work in the living room, he will sleep outside on the couch and refuse to sleep beside me in the room. There was also once he suggested out of practicality that I go back to my parents' place for the time being until things improve cos at least I will have company there, I reacted strongly to the suggestion and said we're married, how can I go back and live at my parents (although I do go back now and then about once a week)? Anyway beside the concept being inappropriate, I dread what my mom would react and say, she will give me a earful.
And we got married very recently in less than 6 mths ago.
6 months only..
let me guess.. did you guys have a new flat and a new car?
if yes.. i can understand why he is working so hard lol
maybe ur hubby love u very deeply
just that hmm he dun know how to express it out
or he want to work harder so can feed u with more
good food or clothing
Originally posted by youyayu:6 months only..
let me guess.. did you guys have a new flat and a new car?
if yes.. i can understand why he is working so hard lol
no.. he had bought the house and car long before our wedding..at least a yr before..
he is only like this since he started a new job 1 month plus ago..
i just want to know how can I support him during this period? he told me i can support him by leaving him alone and not making him feel bad..
he also works on weekends @ home, or does reading of work related journals at home and tells me to amuse myself on my own so basically now i dun really get to spend my weekends with my hubby also. I know he is not cheating on me, cos he is at home and not out with girls.
attend to his needs lor. relieve pressure. or learn with him ba. ~~
Originally posted by TheMissus:no.. he had bought the house and car long before our wedding..at least a yr before..
he is only like this since he started a new job 1 month plus ago..
i just want to know how can I support him during this period? he told me i can support him by leaving him alone and not making him feel bad..
he also works on weekends @ home, or does reading of work related journals at home and tells me to amuse myself on my own so basically now i dun really get to spend my weekends with my hubby also. I know he is not cheating on me, cos he is at home and not out with girls.
do something that can prove that you love him.
something like that will be good
Originally posted by yiha093:attend to his needs lor. relieve pressure. or learn with him ba. ~~
i see. .like make him food while he works.. (I did that last weekend), and give him water rght?
What other things do men like their other half do for them to show love, especially when they need to focus on something??
I felt quite hurt and shocked when he asked me to move back to my parents' house.
Originally posted by TheMissus:I felt quite hurt and shocked when he asked me to move back to my parents' house.
nvr tell him. ?
no use lah. i did. he said he cannot take care of me when he cannot take care of himself.
at another time, he said he has no space in his life for me now cos of work.
I guess your hubby is having a hard time in learning the information required for the new job.
I guess he is tasked to achieve lots of tasks to clear his probation period.
So, it is better to leave him alone and let him concentrate on his work.
He understand that you will be neglected in the process so he have asked you to go back to stay with your family.
Just give him love and tenderness before he goes to work.
Dun surround yourself with negative thoughts as it does not help you at all.
At the same time, you should read up and understand more about marriage life.
Originally posted by Medicated Oil:I guess your hubby is having a hard time in learning the information required for the new job.
I guess he is tasked to achieve lots of tasks to clear his probation period.
So, it is better to leave him alone and let him concentrate on his work.
He understand that you will be neglected in the process so he have asked you to go back to stay with your family.
Just give him love and tenderness before he goes to work.
Dun surround yourself with negative thoughts as it does not help you at all.
At the same time, you should read up and understand more about marriage life.
He does not have a probation period.
One of the reasons why I posted is so i can understand more about marriage life.. hopefully from more experienced people here.
I am speaking from experience. I hope I am of some help myself.
Though I wasn't wedded with my wife when I am experiencing what your husband has been going through, I do live together with my wife-then-fiancee for 4-5-6 years.
She doesn't work then and now actually, but I had to support the house back then too.
I work in a company my dad co-owned, but that doesn't mean I get to pull strings. I worked my way from the bottom and my paternal family also pressurize me. Due to these reasons and maybe more which I may have forgotten to mention, I tend to get rather hot-headed.
My wife was understanding and from my guess so are you. I shouted at her a few times those days but she stayed by me. In the end I realized I was doing all the hard work for her, I want to give her financial security in our materialistic world. So... I postponed the marriage to almost 4-5 years just because of this.
I almost snapped my arteries when I went to work one day, got the promotion I aimed for and I sat on my desk. Realized I am so worn out, then I realized it was because of my wife I could keep that spree up. But due to that we lost some quality time together.
Well... biography apart. What my wife did was just being supportive, comforting me.
Small things like cooking up a meal, get my apparels ready for the day.
My story may be too wonderful, but I can't remember any significant hiccups between us, but I know there are.
Come to think of it, this isn't really helpful. BAHHHH jsut felt like helping.
It's just a phase he is going through, like puberty. Short tempered teenager, kinda like that. I would like to believe, it's not his nature to be reclusive.
I dun know much abt marriage life. But I am in my early 30s and I am also working hard. A man like us, when we say, leave us alone, its best to leave us alone, take it literally. The more u try to understand, the more he will feel that u are stifling him. But u did things well like just making him food and drinks and then leave him to his work, he will appreciate it when he finished his work, trust me, i am like that also.
Wah...
Everything I wanted to say compressed.
I think it's best not to play mummy. Nag and nag, he got enough of that from mum.
give him a good fuck
The only time you find you measure love is when you don't love as much.
Originally posted by zichuan:give him a good fuck
err yeah i have some frens to tell me to get some kinky costumes or lace lingeries lol and use sex to relax him and lure him out of the shell.. but I dun think it will help. My hubby is a very serious person and very career oriented and goal oriented..
btw should explain my hubby did not change company, it's the same organisation he's been serving since he started work after university so there is no probation period, but it is an entirely new job in an entirely new place. But same organisation.
Originally posted by Pappygatmus:
I am speaking from experience. I hope I am of some help myself.
Though I wasn't wedded with my wife when I am experiencing what your husband has been going through, I do live together with my wife-then-fiancee for 4-5-6 years.
She doesn't work then and now actually, but I had to support the house back then too.
I work in a company my dad co-owned, but that doesn't mean I get to pull strings. I worked my way from the bottom and my paternal family also pressurize me. Due to these reasons and maybe more which I may have forgotten to mention, I tend to get rather hot-headed.
My wife was understanding and from my guess so are you. I shouted at her a few times those days but she stayed by me. In the end I realized I was doing all the hard work for her, I want to give her financial security in our materialistic world. So... I postponed the marriage to almost 4-5 years just because of this.
I almost snapped my arteries when I went to work one day, got the promotion I aimed for and I sat on my desk. Realized I am so worn out, then I realized it was because of my wife I could keep that spree up. But due to that we lost some quality time together.
Well... biography apart. What my wife did was just being supportive, comforting me.
Small things like cooking up a meal, get my apparels ready for the day.
My story may be too wonderful, but I can't remember any significant hiccups between us, but I know there are.
Come to think of it, this isn't really helpful. BAHHHH jsut felt like helping.
It's just a phase he is going through, like puberty. Short tempered teenager, kinda like that. I would like to believe, it's not his nature to be reclusive.
Thanks for your testimony, it's very encouraging to me to know that some other men have experienced this before... why didn't you just marry your wife then instead of postponing the wedding, I thought after ppl marry they feel they can then focus on their career cos they have 'laid to rest' the other big part of their lives?
Yea I tried to be nice to him, tried to order food for him, and iron his clothes, but he did not respond well, just told me to leave him alone. All my frens and colleagues, who attended our wedding so recently are shocked to hear my predicament, I too felt a bit disappointed as i had dreamy hopes that my wedded life, especially in the honeymoon 1st year period would be utter bliss and totally loving and close, I met a woman thru work and she related her 1st few yrs of wedded life, before the kids came along were the best, I found myself wistfully smiling at her, not knowing what to say to her.
I'd say things were worse and have improved slightly since he came back from a work trip 2 days ago (we actually went out for a yummy seafood dinner once on the weekend after he returned, an amazing feat in the last 1.5 months). I guess he had been extra busy with the trip preparation. But I know he will continue to be stressed.
Who wants to work through the weekends and neglect his newly wed wife? Not unless he love his work more than you, otherwise, its simple its for you.
what are the reasons for him doing so? Do you have a plan?
What are his options?
What are his needs now and looking forward?
What do you want to do about it?
What can you do about it?
Who is in the best position to give you the answers?
Regards
Don't disturbed him.
When he gives you an answer already, that it. It's the answer from you. Since that he has already told you it's not about you, then take it.
Try to cheer him up (especially in this time) and tell him that you'll be there for him no matter what. Give him your support when he needs it. Try cooking some dishes for him.
***Seriously*** Cook something for him!!!! Show him some love~ by making some effort in learning or cooking something for him =DD Girl who can cook meals are homely. You learn some cooking, learn some desert, learn some snacks etc hao ma?
Your man is busy working leh - he wants to concentrate working. He seems not responding well, but he does loves you. :) Maybe one day out of the blue, he will priase your cooking skills.
Ahhh!! Tabo-Alert!!!!
Never Never pester him about your cooking skills. Because it irks guys. When it's nice, he'll tell you it's nice. When it's bad, he might give you suggestion (AND PLease take note).
Originally posted by TheMissus:Thanks for your testimony, it's very encouraging to me to know that some other men have experienced this before... why didn't you just marry your wife then instead of postponing the wedding, I thought after ppl marry they feel they can then focus on their career cos they have 'laid to rest' the other big part of their lives?
Yea I tried to be nice to him, tried to order food for him, and iron his clothes, but he did not respond well, just told me to leave him alone. All my frens and colleagues, who attended our wedding so recently are shocked to hear my predicament, I too felt a bit disappointed as i had dreamy hopes that my wedded life, especially in the honeymoon 1st year period would be utter bliss and totally loving and close, I met a woman thru work and she related her 1st few yrs of wedded life, before the kids came along were the best, I found myself wistfully smiling at her, not knowing what to say to her.
I'd say things were worse and have improved slightly since he came back from a work trip 2 days ago (we actually went out for a yummy seafood dinner once on the weekend after he returned, an amazing feat in the last 1.5 months). I guess he had been extra busy with the trip preparation. But I know he will continue to be stressed.
I hadn't been good at anything. So when my wife brought up the idea of marriage, I wasn't confident enough I could provide for her. I think the reason I postponed the wedding could be that I was so sure I am not good enough for her. So I thought maybe by postponing the wedding I could make her see she could have a better life with someone else. Very silly of me. Haha
Lol! Every girl had dreamy hopes for their wedding day. I remembered my mum told me that my grandma told her to think twice about marriage because life changes after that. Aside from love, financial matters and other things comes in and that was the ancient days.
Getting stressed is without doubt. It may not be my place to say this, hence no offence. See, you are married. As I mentioned above after marriage other things other than love comes in to place. However love and faith are still essential for couples to stay couples, I believe. Both of you are working, I do wonder whether you over-exert yourself too.
My advice though. Coming end of the year, if both of you have leftover leaves and cash go for an overseas trip with friends or relatives. Doesn't have to be grand, a change of environment, a time your husband know he could relax. At least for that time you could have fun with him and maybe upon getting back to work he could have some burden lifted up. Works for me, though I like travelling and my hobby is photography.
TS, I think you don't really understands man.
Man are basically practical person. They do things in a very rational manner or rather the most practical manner. This explains why he asked you to live at your parent's house cos he dun want you to feel alone and leftout. He didn't meant that you gonna live at your parent's house for months right, it is only temporary.
For a woman, as you know, are emotional person. You values emotional stability more than financial stability. However, it is very difficult for a man to juggle between work and wife, so compromise has to be reached. In this case, I believe your hubby is working hard for your future, so just tolerate through this moment. In a marriage, there are more huddles to conquer, so don't break down for such a small problem.
i think you should leave him alone when he's concentrating on his work.
one thing u should never forget, however is to remind him that you are there to listen to any of his problems.
say like "if you have any problems, i wanna let you know i'm here to listen"