How can I make my hubby love me more?
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For gods sake, he is just 1 month into his new job and it probably means alot to him since he needs to plan for his future life with you and perhaps kids.
Cut him some slack will you?
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Originally posted by Uncertain:
TS, I think you don't really understands man.
Man are basically practical person. They do things in a very rational manner or rather the most practical manner. This explains why he asked you to live at your parent's house cos he dun want you to feel alone and leftout. He didn't meant that you gonna live at your parent's house for months right, it is only temporary.
For a woman, as you know, are emotional person. You values emotional stability more than financial stability. However, it is very difficult for a man to juggle between work and wife, so compromise has to be reached. In this case, I believe your hubby is working hard for your future, so just tolerate through this moment. In a marriage, there are more huddles to conquer, so don't break down for such a small problem.
i agree. i suggest you do some gym or some CC classes like yoga to keep yourself busy.
Example :
yoga twice a week. You will have 5 days left.
2 days => Weekend go out with friends for dinner. Join forums outing.
1 day Weekday do some houseworks.. etc.
2 days Pamper yourself with spa or massage. I sure will relax you and you feel better.
Cos these are the things we girls can do without Man around. Heehee.. he work hard. You just need to let him do what he want to do.
When he find you occupy, he won't worry so much cos he will understand you can take care of yourself and he can ease his worry. And go all out to get his career. Bare in mind, do let him know that you guy will have dinner on occussion to make up for the time.
It is not about tolerating, it is more like to make each other at ease and feel comfortable living together. When you busy you won't notice his miss out on you.
You don't need to be a xiao nu ren at home waiting for him. Make more friends hang out more.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
How can I make my hubby love me more?
He is now very focused and consumed by work, which I understand is necessary for men, and I don't wish to stand in his way or disturb him. I really wish I could be more self sufficient and not depend on him emotionally. I know it's very difficult to have to feel bad when you think your wife is unhappy with you not spending enough time with her.
You want your hubby to love you more, you should get a life and stop being so needy...
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Hmm.. actually it seems to be the opposite for me... in the sense that... I'm the one who tends to spend a lot of time at work while at home rather than my hubby.
I have to say that .. like an earlier poster say, its the small touches that he does that makes me feel very appreciative.
Such as slicing a plate of fruits and even displaying it nicely when he passes it to me while I am busy at work. Just seeing that makes me feel like its such a treat and I mentally 'relax' a little when I feel stressed. So perhaps this is a way you can help. I am sure when he feels you are trying to understand, he will appreciate it too and put in more effort towards your needs.Perhaps what you need is to find something you can occupy yourself with too, such Marriage doesn't and shouldn't change us from adults to children. A certain amount of reliance is normal and can be reassuring - but we still need to lead our independent lives and its not fair to rely too much on our spouses for emotional happiness.
Instead of seeing what he has not done to fill up your emotional pie chart - perhaps you can see what other things you can do for yourself that can make you feel gratified and emotionally fulfilled too.
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Originally posted by AndrewPKYap:
You want your hubby to love you more, you should get a life and stop being so needy...
hanor hanor.. he will love you more and give you attentions. when you healthy, radiance looking and chio chio go out with friends.
Err.. be a good wife make him some ginseng tea with honey and drop him a note to ask him to drink when he is back. Like my mum when she see me busy OT come back late. She will drop a note and ask me to drink before sleep. It is care and love. He will understand.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
How can I make my hubby love me more?
He is now very focused and consumed by work, which I understand is necessary for men, and I don't wish to stand in his way or disturb him. I really wish I could be more self sufficient and not depend on him emotionally. I know it's very difficult to have to feel bad when you think your wife is unhappy with you not spending enough time with her.
i can help you to satisfy your sexual and emotional needs so you don't have to bother your husband
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Originally posted by 8800:
i can help you to satisfy your sexual and emotional needs so you don't have to bother your husband
Head to Bar section please -
I suggest you read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
It will definitely help you understand some of the issues you might be facing.
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Originally posted by charlize:
I suggest you read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
It will definitely help you understand some of the issues you might be facing.
I heard of this book, is it really credible? Ok I will pop down to Borders later and buy
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Originally posted by Pappygatmus:
I hadn't been good at anything. So when my wife brought up the idea of marriage, I wasn't confident enough I could provide for her. I think the reason I postponed the wedding could be that I was so sure I am not good enough for her. So I thought maybe by postponing the wedding I could make her see she could have a better life with someone else. Very silly of me. Haha
Lol! Every girl had dreamy hopes for their wedding day. I remembered my mum told me that my grandma told her to think twice about marriage because life changes after that. Aside from love, financial matters and other things comes in and that was the ancient days.
Getting stressed is without doubt. It may not be my place to say this, hence no offence. See, you are married. As I mentioned above after marriage other things other than love comes in to place. However love and faith are still essential for couples to stay couples, I believe. Both of you are working, I do wonder whether you over-exert yourself too.
My advice though. Coming end of the year, if both of you have leftover leaves and cash go for an overseas trip with friends or relatives. Doesn't have to be grand, a change of environment, a time your husband know he could relax. At least for that time you could have fun with him and maybe upon getting back to work he could have some burden lifted up. Works for me, though I like travelling and my hobby is photography.
i do work also, but i am not very happy at my work place, my hubby said before that when we have kids, he prefers me to look after the kids and be a full time mom, as he doesn't trust maid, no idea why. I am older than my hubby by 2 yrs, he is 27 this yr. my job is quite stressful, but I guess i am not as driven as my hubby towards our careers. For eg, he lets his work affects his marriage, affects his home life, for me is the other way round. I let my marriage affect my work. My boss complained that I have been distracted and asked me whats wrong and whether there's something going on at home. I have allowed whatever that's troubling me get in the way of my focus at work.
i will certainly suggest a holiday with him this year end, but I worry whether he has the mood to go. money for it isn't a problem, as we have do substantial savings. my hubby wanted to put all his $ in stocks earlier this yr, and guess what he was so busy at work, that he opened a trading account and has 'no time and bandwidth' to do any trading.
I worry he won't want to go on a holiday at year end something that I think we both badly need as a couple. There was once, a few months ago, we booked a short 4 day trip already (which I paid for because he paid our honeymoon fully) and due to a disappointment he had at work, he actually told me he did not want to go on the trip anymore! I was utterly stunned and didn't know how to reconcile or comprehend his reaction. To me nothing can happen at work possibly to make me not go on my holiday which I planned and paid.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
i do work also, but i am not very happy at my work place, my hubby said before that when we have kids, he prefers me to look after the kids and be a full time mom, as he doesn't trust maid, no idea why. I am older than my hubby by 2 yrs, he is 27 this yr. my job is quite stressful, but I guess i am not as driven as my hubby towards our careers. For eg, he lets his work affects his marriage, affects his home life, for me is the other way round. I let my marriage affect my work. My boss complained that I have been distracted and asked me whats wrong and whether there's something going on at home. I have allowed whatever that's troubling me get in the way of my focus at work.
i will certainly suggest a holiday with him this year end, but I worry whether he has the mood to go. money for it isn't a problem, as we have do substantial savings. my hubby wanted to put all his $ in stocks earlier this yr, and guess what he was so busy at work, that he opened a trading account and has 'no time and bandwidth' to do any trading.
I worry he won't want to go on a holiday at year end something that I think we both badly need as a couple. There was once, a few months ago, we booked a short 4 day trip already (which I paid for because he paid our honeymoon fully) and due to a disappointment he had at work, he actually told me he did not want to go on the trip anymore! I was utterly stunned and didn't know how to reconcile or comprehend his reaction. To me nothing can happen at work possibly to make me not go on my holiday which I planned and paid.
The main issue here is your hubby's mentality. He is too focused, too focused till he starts to neglect the family.
The very very first thing u need to do now is to ask him why did he wants to work so hard,is for the future?, man-must-be-top-earner-ego? want to have a successful career?
Once you identified the main reason, you should try to dissuade him to work so hard at the expense of family.
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i was very upset and disappointed cos I looked forward to the short holiday so much, and I paid over $600 for it, managed to get a 1-for-1 deal at NATAS fair, it's not a huge sum but i certainly felt the pinch, to me $600 can buy a lot of months of groceries, or a lot of bags, shoes, was quite angry and upset that he can because of feeling disappointed at work, shut down from me emotionally, told me to leave him alone and refuse to speak to me, and then said dun want to go already..and he only told me he'd not be going anymore 1 day before the trip, in the end I couldn't get a refund either.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
i was very upset and disappointed cos I looked forward to the short holiday so much, and I paid over $600 for it, managed to get a 1-for-1 deal at NATAS fair, it's not a huge sum but i certainly felt the pinch, to me $600 can buy a lot of months of groceries, or a lot of bags, shoes, was quite angry and upset that he can because of feeling disappointed at work, shut down from me emotionally, told me to leave him alone and refuse to speak to me, and then said dun want to go already..and he only told me he'd not be going anymore 1 day before the trip, in the end I couldn't get a refund either.
you are sad because your hushand fails to provide u the comfort when u need it most. It is understandable why you are disappointed with him.
However, you cannot coined him as uncaring because he is focused with his work. He may think making a lot of $$$ = taking care of you (at least u dun have to worry about $$$). You have to die die communicate with him to understand his motivation for working hard and not dwell over why he is not caring to me.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
i was very upset and disappointed cos I looked forward to the short holiday so much, and I paid over $600 for it, managed to get a 1-for-1 deal at NATAS fair, it's not a huge sum but i certainly felt the pinch, to me $600 can buy a lot of months of groceries, or a lot of bags, shoes, was quite angry and upset that he can because of feeling disappointed at work, shut down from me emotionally, told me to leave him alone and refuse to speak to me, and then said dun want to go already..and he only told me he'd not be going anymore 1 day before the trip, in the end I couldn't get a refund either.
what do we have here? a lovey-dovey wife who just wants to love her man, and see how pitiful she is.
and what am i? a sweet tender guy who just want a SG wife and would spend 80% of my time with her and 10% of my time on work and 10% of my time on games.
ask yourself: Do you feel like a real woman nowadays?
if your answer is no, then seriously, PM me and we can help each other.
i can go shopping with you, have tea with you, go holiday with you, learn new things together etc.
when your hubby see liao, he jealous and want to get back together with you.
when that happens, i just exit the scene.
everybody wins!!!!!
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Originally posted by Uncertain:
The main issue here is your hubby's mentality. He is too focused, too focused till he starts to neglect the family.
The very very first thing u need to do now is to ask him why did he wants to work so hard,is for the future?, man-must-be-top-earner-ego? want to have a successful career?
Once you identified the main reason, you should try to dissuade him to work so hard at the expense of family.
All of the above, for now, for future, for success, he wants to be on top and beat everyone else.
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Don't give up... ur hubby needs u to be standing by him during this time... he may not realize it at this point of time... he may be rejecting ur help at this time... but when he look back later on in life, he will realize ur support matters... tell urself it's a temporary situation.
Ideally, I think he should 'involve' u in his struggle by communicating more... but at times it can be difficult for men to communicate their feelings or explain the issue.
And there maybe an ego issue here too.. or false expectation(?) coz u are older than him and have ur own career. He needs to 'prove' that he is capable to take care of you. The pressure can be internal/within himself.
So don't give up, stand by him, support him. It does take an understanding woman behind a successful man.
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Originally posted by Nikar 3:
what do we have here? a lovey-dovey wife who just wants to love her man, and see how pitiful she is.
and what am i? a sweet tender guy who just want a SG wife and would spend 80% of my time with her and 10% of my time on work and 10% of my time on games.
ask yourself: Do you feel like a real woman nowadays?
if your answer is no, then seriously, PM me and we can help each other.
i can go shopping with you, have tea with you, go holiday with you, learn new things together etc.
when your hubby see liao, he jealous and want to get back together with you.
when that happens, i just exit the scene.
everybody wins!!!!!
I dun thnk thats a good idea. as it is we know things aren't the rosiest between us. going out with another guy is not helping, in fact will just serve to worsen things. Post marriage I make it to a point not to go out with another guy one-on-one, unless it's with a male buddy that my hubby trusts.. which there is only one, my gd pal, but he has been MIA and disappeared on all his frens ever since he got a gf he met from his office. Sigh.. men are really horrible creatures. After they meet someone they will completely vanish from their frens.
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to assist with evaluation of the current situation, can you clarify whether your husband approaches you for regular sexual intercourse, or is he completely not engaging you in any form of intimacy.
you keep saying he very focused on work...so every night when he come back from work, do u eat dinner together? after dinner, does he do housework and do u have sexy times at all?
difficult to understand how to neglect wife. even if very busy or very focused, it is still possible to tell wife that he need some space, instead of completely ignoring wife?
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Originally posted by lemontea c(_):
Don't give up... ur hubby needs u to be standing by him during this time... he may not realize it at this point of time... he may be rejecting ur help at this time... but when he look back later on in life, he will realize ur support matters... tell urself it's a temporary situation.
Ideally, I think he should 'involve' u in his struggle by communicating more... but at times it can be difficult for men to communicate their feelings or explain the issue.
And there maybe an ego issue here too.. or false expectation(?) coz u are older than him and have ur own career. He needs to 'prove' that he is capable to take care of you. The pressure can be internal/within himself.
So don't give up, stand by him, support him. It does take an understanding woman behind a successful man.
I think it's internal..
he has always been this way, ingrained in his character since he was a kid, and between us 2, he's the driven, ambitious overachiever to the point of obsession & serious in nature, I am the slack one that's more relaxed and bubbly in personality. I am indeed older, as for having my own career, i guess we both do, but that's normal, nowadays all girls also have their own careers, although he's younger than me by 2 years, he can more than take care of me, as he earns double of what I earn.I do want a successful and capable husband like all other women, but i also want one who can spend time with me on weekends, and not shut down from me emotionally and be detached, like totally shut down, tell me to leave him alone for weeks on end, and sleep in the living room, thats too extreme liao.
I know i can be needy at times, and he said to me before that I am needy, so I'm trying to correct that. I just really miss my hubby after some time of not talking to him for a week, even if I do keep myself busy with recreational activities and going out with frens. newly wed, less than 6 mths, is it normal for your spouse to end up not speaking to u for weeks and not sleeping on the same bed as u? I think i am not really being unreasonable for thinking something crossed the line.
U are right, I also cross my fingers that it's a temporary situation. i pray to God everyday that He will bless my hubby at work and also make him happy, make his mood good and light
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
I dun thnk thats a good idea. as it is we know things aren't the rosiest between us. going out with another guy is not helping, in fact will just serve to worsen things. Post marriage I make it to a point not to go out with another guy one-on-one, unless it's with a male buddy that my hubby trusts.. which there is only one, my gd pal, but he has been MIA and disappeared on all his frens ever since he got a gf he met from his office. Sigh.. men are really horrible creatures. After they meet someone they will completely vanish from their frens.
Err... you actually take that advice seriously ? I think he was just joking there...
Anyway, confiding in the opposite sex can complicate issue here... it's okay to get the male perspective in this matter but you can really mess things up if you ended up getting closer to this guy than your husband.
Unless of course this 'guy' is your father or somebody your senior or you are confiding to a couple.
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[quote]newly wed, less than 6 mths, is it normal for your spouse to end up not speaking to u for weeks and not sleeping on the same bed as u? I think i am not really being unreasonable for thinking something crossed the line.[/quote]
Your husband got a problem with YOU, not his work. He is not telling you.
When a man sleep in living room couch, he is going out of his way to avoid his wife. That is the biggest indicator there is something very wrong.
Sorry, I am afraid this has nothing to do with his work. Its just malespeak excuse. The problem is something else.
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
to assist with evaluation of the current situation, can you clarify whether your husband approaches you for regular sexual intercourse, or is he completely not engaging you in any form of intimacy.
you keep saying he very focused on work...so every night when he come back from work, do u eat dinner together? after dinner, does he do housework and do u have sexy times at all?
difficult to understand how to neglect wife. even if very busy or very focused, it is still possible to tell wife that he need some space, instead of completely ignoring wife?
regular sex? dream on.. we don't do it often, even before the new posting stress blew up in my face, it was not that often already due to us having dated for 1.5 yrs before marriage, about once a mth on average.
Even during our honeymoon in europe which was 14 days, you'd think honeymoon is when there will be lots of sex, thats what I was taught, in pop culture and references, but during the whole 2 wks we only did it twice.
There is no dinner together due to different working hours. My work starts later, and ends later. By the time i get back, he's all showered and changed and ready to sleep or engrossed in his work in the living room or reading his work-related journals. In the morning he leaves the house earlier than me since my work starts later, no interaction either.
It gets worse, I work on one of the 2 weekend days ( every Sunday) in return I get another weekday off. So every wk, I am off on one weekend day (Sat) and one weekday. Its still 5 day week but it's all out of whack lah. He is off on Sat and Sun like everyone else in SG. So basically I only get to spend one weekend day with my hubby every wk, we only have 1 common off day a week lor. Weekend day with him is very precious, but since he started becoming work obsessed almost zombiefied, in which he told me to amuse myself with other guy and girlfriends and go back to my parents', I also dun really see him much on weekend.
I just hope things improve as he becomes more used in his new posting with time. may God help us. -
Originally posted by TheMissus:
It gets worse, I work on one of the 2 weekend days ( every Sunday) in return I get another weekday off. So every wk, I am off on one weekend day (Sat) and one weekday. Its still 5 day week but it's all out of whack lah. He is off on Sat and Sun like everyone else in SG. So basically I only get to spend one weekend day with my hubby every wk, we only have 1 common off day a week lor. Weekend day with him is very precious, but since he started becoming work obsessed almost zombiefied, in which he told me to amuse myself with other guy and girlfriends and go back to my parents', I also dun really see him much on weekend
the part in bold........there lies your answer.on the other hand, seriously, though, you should talk with him during the time he's least busy. i'm sure he won't be 24 hours at work everyday right?
if he still don't change, just give him cold shoulder for a few months.
if still no result, seriously, consider getting a new man.
i mean, there's so many good guys out there who simply love to go shopping and holidays with you on afternoons, watch TV and movies together, buy pop-corns for each other, go cycling on weekends, regular sex every 2 alternate nights, cook home dinners for each other every now and then, go to courses and workshops together.......do sweet little things.......
aye aye!
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
to assist with evaluation of the current situation, can you clarify whether your husband approaches you for regular sexual intercourse, or is he completely not engaging you in any form of intimacy.
you keep saying he very focused on work...so every night when he come back from work, do u eat dinner together? after dinner, does he do housework and do u have sexy times at all?
difficult to understand how to neglect wife. even if very busy or very focused, it is still possible to tell wife that he need some space, instead of completely ignoring wife?
yeah he told me he need some space mah. After that he dun talk to me @ all and just bury himself in his work and work related journals, very boring books and magazines..he says he need to read up all that stuff so that he can become more expert in the field of the new post.
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how about.
appear naked in bed. with a can of beer?