How can I make my hubby love me more?
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I think annullment as an ultimatum serves no purpose in your situation. At best it tells him you're ready to live without him, at worst, you alienate each other and your relationship takes a turn for the worst.
If 2 people are already emotionally separated and distanced, what difference will their status on paper make? Whether they're divorced or married, sleeping on the same bed or different ones, physically together or apart?
I'll go with MetalGear on this one, unless he adopts a different way of looking at the situation, the problems will always be there. Besides, he's only 27. It's always tricky when he's young and starting his run in the race, trying to find his place in the world and trying to make a home with you all at once.
My advice: Take his word for it because of the 4 recurring things he said:
1) he needs space.
2) he wants to be left alone.
3) he wants you to stop being so needy.
4) he wants you to move back to your parent's place.
And let's face it yah, he's giving you a lousy compromise.
There really isn't much you can do at this point cos it seems like you're a one man show, beating yourself up while trying to synchronise to his beat.
So if I were you, I'll make him a nice hearty dinner once a week, tell him I respect what he wants then take off on a holiday, come back, move back to parent's place. Sometimes the best way to change a person's mind, is to agree with him.
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Originally posted by Devil1976:
Yours is a very difficult case. A far cry worse it might be, if it’s really more complicated than the way you have presented it here.
Would like to ask… Why do you choose your husband in the 1st place? Why are you together with him in a marriage?
No offence to the many others who have posted their good wills but suggested these… It seems the least related to sex. At least at this point of time.
Is there a hidden problem? Something between you and him which you might or might not be aware of? Which you might or might not want to recognise? Think hard…
If there really isn’t, he might already be setting up a barrier and shield. The situation might be alot like what you’ve suggested. It’s a psychological barrier. He’s already in a world of his own which he either think you would not be able to understand or he do not wish for you to worry about….
One mild approach to this situation has already been suggested… To be just by his side and show him bits and pieces of TLCs. Find your own activities (but would be better if you can have activities where you hang around in his presence to do things… e.g. surfing net, reading books etc.). But this might or might not work on the long term. And from the look of things, it might be rather tormenting on you.
If it really bothers you that much, you can try family counselling. Advice is to start early for this if you’re opting for this.
Last but not least, is a rather extreme move. Personally, I would not recommend it. But at any point if you feel that you’re already pushed to the edge and has got nothing to lose anyway, this can be…. A last ‘show down cards’.
File for divorce. Opt for 2-3 years of separation. Give him some time to reflect on things. I suggested this not because I want you to make this move. But your hubby do sounds like quite an extreme and stubborn person. So it seems likely that only drastic happening like this would wake him up… Wait for a year or more to monitor its effect on him.
sobs I will never ever contemplate a legal separation from my hubby, i am someone who takes my vows very seriously not like all these 'yuppies' nowadays who get married, but to them the vows they make are breakable. Why say 'forever and ever' if you don't mean it and what you really mean is 'for as long as things are smooth'?
I am very sure he's not cheating on me, cos when he is sleeping, i'd go check his iphone to read all his sms every nite or every few nites, and cos its an iphone i can check his email too its easy for a gadget idiot like me to check, last time when he was using a blackberry it was harder to check.
I really think he is just concentrating on his career at this moment like the poster xtreyier
he actually bought a benchpress and weight machine to put in one of our spare rooms, he setting up a mini gym, so that he can now work out at home cos "he has no time now to go for his weekly visits to the gym in town"........... I was like "..............."
Of cos 1 wk ago i saw the receipt for the gym equipments and asked him what are they for cos the sum is quite big and he didn't mention to me, (how could he since we dun talk?) and he shrugged me off and refused to engage me..when it was delivered over the weekend then I knew.
To answer why did I choose my husband, cos i love him? Our pastor who did the premarital counselling for us (which is compulsory for church wedding) asked us 'why are you getting married??' and we said cos we are in love and are sure of each other.. i mean i just want to spend the rest of my life with him lah.
The qualities of him that drew me to him when we first fall in love very quickly is how manly and strong he is, looks wise he is tall and well-build, and he is outstandingly smart,(I think the smartest person born in his year in my eyes) and also funny and tender in his private moments with me..
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
sobs I will never ever contemplate a legal separation from my hubby, i am someone who takes my vows very seriously not like all these 'yuppies' nowadays who get married, but to them the vows they make are breakable. Why say 'forever and ever' if you don't mean it and what you really mean is 'for as long as things are smooth'?
I am very sure he's not cheating on me, cos when he is sleeping, i'd go check his iphone to read all his sms every nite or every few nites, and cos its an iphone i can check his email too its easy for a gadget idiot like me to check, last time when he was using a blackberry it was harder to check.
I really think he is just concentrating on his career at this moment like the poster xtreyier
he actually bought a benchpress and weight machine to put in one of our spare rooms, he setting up a mini gym, so that he can now work out at home cos "he has no time now to go for his weekly visits to the gym in town"........... I was like "..............."
Of cos 1 wk ago i saw the receipt for the gym equipments and asked him what are they for cos the sum is quite big and he didn't mention to me, (how could he since we dun talk?) and he shrugged me off and refused to engage me..when it was delivered over the weekend then I knew.
I think the checking of his phone signifies a lack of trust.
But I don't blame you, if I have a husband like this, I would probably be doing the exact same thing haha.
Both of you need to have a heart-to-heart talk asap. If you want the marriage to work, that is. I really wonder what makes you agree to marry such a guy, if he has already shown the same type of behaviour before the marriage.
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Originally posted by soleachip:
I think annullment as an ultimatum serves no purpose in your situation. At best it tells him you're ready to live without him, at worst, you alienate each other and your relationship takes a turn for the worst.
If 2 people are already emotionally separated and distanced, what difference will their status on paper make? Whether they're divorced or married, sleeping on the same bed or different ones, physically together or apart?
I'll go with MetalGear on this one, unless he adopts a different way of looking at the situation, the problems will always be there. Besides, he's only 27. It's always tricky when he's young and starting his run in the race, trying to find his place in the world and trying to make a home with you all at once.
My advice: Take his word for it because of the 4 recurring things he said:
1) he needs space.
2) he wants to be left alone.
3) he wants you to stop being so needy.
4) he wants you to move back to your parent's place.
And let's face it yah, he's giving you a lousy compromise.
There really isn't much you can do at this point cos it seems like you're a one man show, beating yourself up while trying to synchronise to his beat.
So if I were you, I'll make him a nice hearty dinner once a week, tell him I respect what he wants then take off on a holiday, come back, move back to parent's place. Sometimes the best way to change a person's mind, is to agree with him.
Yeah I think u are right. I told him once in frustration "can you put yourself in my shoes?" and he replied "then can you put yourself in my shoes?!" i was surprised he said that. utterly shocked. it seems he thinks that I am the one being unreasonable and demanding and am not understanding of his problems and predicament. He said that his new boss told him that there are areas in his work (new job scope) in which he needs to improve, i thnk thats why he feels 'useless', a word he used on himself. i kept repeating to him its cos he's only been in the job for 1 month +, he said "i could use the excuse of being new for perhaps only so long".. he is feeling discouraged, defeated. even his boss could sense it. My hubby is a serious person when it comes to what he needs to achieve and his responsibilities and task, and he is a perfectionist, this is what everyone around him knows. When something isn't perfect he becomes very crushed and disappointed, just like the O level grade of one A2 out of 9 A1.
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Originally posted by rainee:
I really wonder what makes you agree to marry such a guy, if he has already shown the same type of behaviour before the marriage.
nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai.
if her hubby is an affectionate, loving, understanding and tender man, u think TS will marry him in the 1st place?
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Originally posted by xtreyier:PS: I doubt if you will be successful talking with him. He is blind to all in his focus to be the best, as I once was - thickheaded and stubborn. It will only cause him to feel that you are demanding, which is not true. All you seek is warmth and love, and companionship,.espacially in a marriage.
The only way to change him is to walk out and ask for annullment of the marriage, but believe me, it will definately make him see the light but it will also destroy him, for he will be like me, finally see the world crumbling around him and lose his mind if he is not strong enough. He does love you, which is why he is building up his career now.
It will also destroy you too and make you lose faith in the sanctity and hopes that marriage will bring. It was love that brought you 2 together, and it will be love that drove you both apart under unreconcilable differences and expectations of what love is.
Unless you are willing to be patient, and let his career take centre stage for the moment, and give him your support, even if it means you take 2nd place in his life, until he reached his apex and starts to slow down, and then enjoy the life that you had hoped for, with more enjoyment in better maturity.
May you make the right decision, have a clearer mind and reconcile with your expectations and have a good marriage.
Cheers.
I will take the 2nd option you said.. i guess it's more common than we know? I do know of other wives who say their husbands dun have much time for them during busy periods of their careers. A woman i know in her late 30s, whose husband is also the same age, told me in confidence that he only do it with her once every 4 months and she feels very lonely and sad. So i think maybe my predicament is not that uncommon and rare? The husband works all the time except for sleeping time and when he does have time to take a break, he is so swamped by work that he needs to unwind on his own and need the break for his own recovery and space, and cannot afford to spend it with the wife, he will check his email still at 10pm.The man is very successful, in the public sector, a brigadier general
last nite my hubby was working at home until 1030pm, he said his boss was still replying to his email at 1030pm!!!! It means all these men are really still working until then.
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once every 4 months? sound like torture to me
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Originally posted by youyayu:
once every 4 months? sound like torture to me
yes she's from my mom's side of teh family.. she sometimes cries to sleep cos she feels very lonely and sad from neglect.. told me not to repeat her footsteps.. but i love my hubby, i cannot just negate away the feelings, I am a human with love and emotions, not a terminator robot
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
I will take the 2nd option you said.. i guess it's more common than we know? I do know of other wives who say their husbands dun have much time for them during busy periods of their careers. A woman i know in her late 30s, whose husband is also the same age, told me in confidence that he only do it with her once every 4 months and she feels very lonely and sad. So i think maybe my predicament is not that uncommon and rare? The husband works all the time except for sleeping time and when he does have time to take a break, he is so swamped by work that he needs to unwind on his own and need the break for his own recovery and space, and cannot afford to spend it with the wife, he will check his email still at 10pm.The man is very successful, in the public sector, a brigadier general
last nite my hubby was working at home until 1030pm, he said his boss was still replying to his email at 1030pm!!!! It means all these men are really still working until then.
This is Singapore, and opportunities are not easy to come by, espacially at the top, where positions are limited. Thus we all have to work really hard to get there, more so in a globalized world today. Even the lower positions are hard fought, as new citizens and PRs moved in regularly.
Despite the often heard story of philandeering husbands, most of our young and educated citizens are more committed and honour bound to their sacred vows. There are bad eggs around, but there are also good faithful men too. I am sure you trusted your hubby to be a good man, good enough and trustworthy to marry him.
Even for myself, I was faithful to my committment, to the extent of not even watching beauty pagents to prove my sincerity to my loved one, not that there were free times then. My credit cards, Hps, my receipts and everything was handled by her, to let her gain trust in me.
I thought this was enough, but a fool that i was, it was totally unfair to her to bear loneliness, made worse with a man that she loved and gave herself completely.
I wish you the best, and perhaps hope that you may take on a hobby, or perhaps indulge in charity works to fill the void in this temporary moment. You are at your most vulnerable in this hour of your feminine needs, and may you have the strength to overcome it and look forward to a better future with your hubby once he has proven himself capable in his job.
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Hey you all are missing the point.
- The husband is not talking to TheMissus for weeks in a row
- The husband is sleeping in the living room, not on the same bed as TheMissus
- The husband does not have sex more than once a month (from my reading of the thread there are suggestions the frequency is even less than once a month)
To me, the three symptoms above have nothing to do with work committment. I feel that work is an excuse.
In other words:
- Just because focus on work, does not mean got nothing to say to wife
- Just because focus on work, does not mean cannot sleep in same bed
- Just because focus on work, does not mean cannot have regular sex.
Personally, when I am very stressed about work, I got alot of pent up frustration, I bang my gf even harder because stress from work makes me hornier when I see my gf.
IMHO, the preoccupation with work is an excuse for another problem we have yet to identify.
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
Personally, when I am very stressed about work, I got alot of pent up frustration, I bang my gf even harder because stress from work makes me hornier when I see my gf.
YOU DA MAN!!!!!!!!!!! -
Originally posted by xtreyier:
This is Singapore, and opportunities are not easy to come by, espacially at the top, where positions are limited. Thus we all have to work really hard to get there, more so in a globalized world today. Even the lower positions are hard fought, as new citizens and PRs moved in regularly.
Despite the often heard story of philandeering husbands, most of our young and educated citizens are more committed and honour bound to their sacred vows. There are bad eggs around, but there are also good faithful men too. I am sure you trusted your hubby to be a good man, good enough and trustworthy to marry him.
Even for myself, I was faithful to my committment, to the extent of not even watching beauty pagents to prove my sincerity to my loved one, not that there were free times then. My credit cards, Hps, my receipts and everything was handled by her, to let her gain trust in me.
I thought this was enough, but a fool that i was, it was totally unfair to her to bear loneliness, made worse with a man that she loved and gave herself completely.
I wish you the best, and perhaps hope that you may take on a hobby, or perhaps indulge in charity works to fill the void in this temporary moment. You are at your most vulnerable in this hour of your feminine needs, and may you have the strength to overcome it and look forward to a better future with your hubby once he has proven himself capable in his job.
Thanks for your well wishes. To be honest, to comment on what you said about opportunities and work attitude, i myself have been working for about 6 yrs after graduation being quite an old woman, am a professional and now in a large GLC with revenue of about 1 billion a yr, and before that in several smaller companies like SME, and to be honest I don't see such workaholics among the males in my current and past co-workers or bosses. Yes they do put in the hours and hard work during office hours, but after the hours are over, they do chill out and spend time with their friends going clubbing, i can hear gossip of what ppl do over the weekends, or my bosses spent their weekends with their kid at the zoo, or what movie they watched last night.
I dun think its accurate to say it's a Singapore situation, but it's peculiar to people who chose to be like this, or if they have no choice, is because of their character and want to be on top. It's normal that people to want to do well at work, but I think for some people it's that much more critical for them.
My good guy buddy who foresaken me after he hooked up with his gf at work, he is also a hard worker at work and ambitious, driven, but he also spends his weekends fruitfully by resting, going out with his frens and now his gf. clubbing. smoking.Before my hubby I have never met someone like this before for me to have a good understanding of the 'issue' at hand. When i raised the issue to my frens & colleagues, they too were confounded, surprised, with some guy colleagues over drinks slamming him and saying he really sux when he told me to go home and amuse myself with my frens, and when I told them he said "I dun have the space for you now". So I dun think its really that common. If it was, I wouldn't have been so confused trying to find answers everywhere. I just couldn't reconcile the kind of drastic and extreme reactions my husband has to work happenings. It is not something intuitive to me.
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
Hey you all are missing the point.
- The husband is not talking to TheMissus for weeks in a row
- The husband is sleeping in the living room, not on the same bed as TheMissus
- The husband does not have sex more than once a month (from my reading of the thread there are suggestions the frequency is even less than once a month)
To me, the three symptoms above have nothing to do with work committment. I feel that work is an excuse.
In other words:
- Just because focus on work, does not mean got nothing to say to wife
- Just because focus on work, does not mean cannot sleep in same
bed
- Just because focus on work, does not mean cannot have regular sex.
Personally, when I am very stressed about work, I got alot of pent up frustration, I bang my gf even harder because stress from work makes me hornier when I see my gf.
IMHO, the preoccupation with work is an excuse for another problem we have yet to identify.
But artspraken11, studies have shown that when a man is stressed and distressed, the most intuitive reaction is actually a loss of sex drive, Singaporeans suffer it.
http://forums.hardwarezone.com.sg/showthread.php?t=2308822
And indeed its a physiological response of the body.
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=78172
I've been under a prolonged period of stress, which seems to have diminished my sex drive. I recently read that stress can affect hormone levels. What can I do to counteract stress and improve my sex drive?
You are not alone in your concern. A diminished interest in sex is one of many symptoms that can develop as a result of increased psychological stress, and studies show that a decreased sex drive is a common complaint in people who have stressful jobs and work long hours. Fortunately, taking steps to manage your stress can help you regain some of your lost sexual energy.
Stress management is a highly individual practice, and each person must choose the stress control techniques that work best for them. However, stress control methods most often include a combination of exercise, relaxation techniques (deep breathing or meditation exercises), adhering to a regular sleep cycle, and proper nutrition. Exercise releases endorphins, which are the body's natural stress-fighting hormones, so any type of physical exercise is a good stress control measure. In terms of relaxation techniques, there are literally hundreds of relaxation and meditation programs that you can learn on your own or under the guidance of a teacher or practitioner.
One pitfall to avoid is the "self-treatment" of stress indulging in counterproductive behaviors. Studies show that people under stress are more likely to practice unhealthy behaviors (such as excessive consumption of alcohol, overeating, and cigarette smoking) and to make poorer health choices than people who are not under stress. These unhealthy coping mechanisms can also have a negative effect on your overall well-being and therefore may contribute to the decrease in your sex drive.
Thank you for your question.
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get a new hair-do.
buy urself lingere. appear in bed.. la lol
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My point is simple: no amount of work-related stress can compel a man to sleep in the living room to avoid sharing bed with his wife.
It takes a different kind of problem to cause a man to avoid sharing his wife's bed.
I am sorry to be blunt, but I am trying to narrow down the issue to help you identify your problem. Before you think of solution, you first need to identify the problem.
From male perspective, I do not believe the problem lies with work.
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so, assume what artspraken says is true (which i believe it is because it's highly logical that no amount of work-related stress can compel a man to sleep in the living room to avoid sharing bed with his wife), is there anything you guys have quarreled about recently? we need to diagnose the underlying problems first.
as a gal, u should be sensitive enough to know mah.
also, for all u know, his iPhone he managed to hide or delete his mistress (if he has one)'s evidence etc.?
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
My point is simple: no amount of work-related stress can compel a man to sleep in the living room to avoid sharing bed with his wife.
It takes a different kind of problem to cause a man to avoid sharing his wife's bed.
I am sorry to be blunt, but I am trying to narrow down the issue to help you identify your problem. Before you think of solution, you first need to identify the problem.
From male perspective, I do not believe the problem lies with work.
if u bring another man home, perhaps artspraken, and he comes home and sees it, i am sure he will change his attitude.
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It's not safe to assume, that's why you need a heart to heart talk with your husband. Get the answers straight from his mouth. You would want to be honest and open with him.
Depending on his reactions when you tried to talk to him, I think some questions lingering would get cleared up from your mind, either he shrug you off or et cetera. It's healthier for you this way.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
How can I make my hubby love me more?
He is now very focused and consumed by work, which I understand is necessary for men, and I don't wish to stand in his way or disturb him. I really wish I could be more self sufficient and not depend on him emotionally. I know it's very difficult to have to feel bad when you think your wife is unhappy with you not spending enough time with her.
support him, when he is down, tell him that you are there for him. tell him when you made love w him that you love him. massage him after making love. made some improvements in your sex life, like try oil massage or aromatherapy, it helps. pls try not to nag and nag at him. I know women are unemotional and pretty outspoken when that month comes. -
simple question: do you give him oral sex? easiest solution, without a doubt.
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
My point is simple: no amount of work-related stress can compel a man to sleep in the living room to avoid sharing bed with his wife.
It takes a different kind of problem to cause a man to avoid sharing his wife's bed.
I am sorry to be blunt, but I am trying to narrow down the issue to help you identify your problem. Before you think of solution, you first need to identify the problem.
From male perspective, I do not believe the problem lies with work.
Bear in mind that there isn't just one type of man and male perspective in the world, with all due respect to your perspective, probably got a few major types. When you feel you've encountered a setback and feel like a failure, do you recluse yourself, draw back into your shell, or do you open up to and even gush to your woman? I'm guessing you're the latter type, you sound like the metrosexual type that's quite open to your gf..
Before the new posting issue, my hubby has at least one other time, drew back into his shell from me when he felt disappointed at work, he shut down emotionally from everyone and lapsed into minor depression in which he refused to talk to anyone including me for a wk (he was on leave), he just read his book and hide in the room and when i try to talk to him, he is totally down and refused to open up..dat was the time he told me he felt too down to go on the trip, told me to go on my own and gao ding the issue myself.. when I bugged him on why why whats bugging him, he was too down and upset to tell me (his wife).. he just ignore me, told me to leave him alone..only after 4 days I cried and bugged him and pleaded with him cos I had no clue what happened, he told me what happened at work..and how he was disappointed
So I won't say this is the 1st time he's exhibiting the syndrome of withdrawing into a shell emotionally from me and everyone else. He'd still talk to ppl at work cos it's necessary but I doubt he's like chirpy either. he told me when he was in university and an ex gf broke up with him, and he did not speak to anyone for one month after that, he'd attend classes and not say a word. When he finally spoke again, his friends in school said they thought he was angry with them but didn't know why.my hubby, when my frens and colleagues meet him, they all say he's the alphamale type, whatever that means, all of them say that, not just one, and they all sorta have the same opinion without me prodding..can the enlightened men and women tell me what this means??
i tried to research it on the net and it turns out to be a gorilla type. It also means an egotistical man..
Really got more than 1 type of personality for man.. like there would be more than 1 for women. pappygatymus and xtreyier can offer some feedback, since they say they exhibited such behaviour before to their significant others.. -
Originally posted by TheMissus:
Bear in mind that there isn't just one type of man and male perspective in the world, with all due respect to your perspective, probably got a few major types. When you feel you've encountered a setback and feel like a failure, do you recluse yourself, draw back into your shell, or do you open up to and even gush to your woman? I'm guessing you're the latter type, you sound like the metrosexual type that's quite open to your gf..
Before the new posting issue, my hubby has at least one other time, drew back into his shell from me when he felt disappointed at work, he shut down emotionally from everyone and lapsed into minor depression in which he refused to talk to anyone including me for a wk (he was on leave), he just read his book and hide in the room and when i try to talk to him, he is totally down and refused to open up..dat was the time he told me he felt too down to go on the trip, told me to go on my own and gao ding the issue myself.. when I bugged him on why why whats bugging him, he was too down and upset to tell me (his wife).. he just ignore me, told me to leave him alone..only after 4 days I cried and bugged him and pleaded with him cos I had no clue what happened, he told me what happened at work..and how he was disappointed
So I won't say this is the 1st time he's exhibiting the syndrome of withdrawing into a shell emotionally from me and everyone else. He'd still talk to ppl at work cos it's necessary but I doubt he's like chirpy either. he told me when he was in university and an ex gf broke up with him, and he did not speak to anyone for one month after that, he'd attend classes and not say a word. When he finally spoke again, his friends in school said they thought he was angry with them but didn't know why.my hubby, when my frens and colleagues meet him, they all say he's the alphamale type, whatever that means, all of them say that, not just one, and they all sorta have the same opinion without me prodding..can the enlightened men and women tell me what this means??
i tried to research it on the net and it turns out to be a gorilla type. It also means an egotistical man..
Really got more than 1 type of personality for man.. like there would be more than 1 for women. pappygatymus and xtreyier can offer some feedback, since they say they exhibited such behaviour before to their significant others..
Stop kidding yourself. Come on. The mechanism of denial is so clearly and evidently at work throughout your extremely defensive and desperate sounding post.Let's go through the issues one by one.
Firstly, you say that your husband tends to clam up whenever he's stressed or depressed from work - even clam up to you. Okay, that is a bad sign for any marriage, for any kind of guy. Attributing it to your husband's idiosyncrasies obviously doesn't help anyone, and neither does it magically make your marriage healthier. Nothing changes the fact that in a marriage, the couple needs to be open with each other about almost everything, not to mention something as basic as work problems. Maybe your husband just isn't cut out for marriage if he's that type of person. Or maybe your relationship just isn't open or two-way enough, and that won't work either.
Secondly, if you want him to open up to you, DO NOT WHINE AND CRY TO MAKE HIM OPEN UP. It doesn't work at all. If your husband's temperament is really as you've described, I'm 110% sure that making him listen to you cry will only make him more pissed off and frustrated. Since you know his mood patterns so well, wait for him to cool off by himself. Make sure he knows you're there if he needs a confidante but DON'T BE PUSHY.
Thirdly, it's just plain ridiculous to find excuses like "he's an alphamale" to justify the coldness of your relationship and marriage. There are tons of alpha males around. Are you telling me they all have lousy marriages? Seriously? Obviously something else other than his personality is at fault here Acknowledge that there may be a problem with your particular relationship with him. That's the first step to recovery. Denial never helped anyone.
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
My point is simple: no amount of work-related stress can compel a man to sleep in the living room to avoid sharing bed with his wife.
TheMissus,
I mean well. I hope i am not rude. But I repeat what I said in quotes.
I had hoped that you will address what I said directly. But your avoidance of the topic tells me that this is where you need to look for the problem. Sometimes the area of self-denial is the area where the problem lies. The more sensitive the area, the more difficult it may be to recognise the problem.
I would daresay that any male will not take the trouble to sleep on the living room couch, unless there is a problem sharing wife's bed. Men are practical creatures. No matter how stressed from work and reclusive, the comfort of a proper bed and pillow is better than a living room couch. It really takes a problem to make the male prefer the couch. The choice between a comfortable bed and a living room couch is not a question of male perspective. It is a certainty. Every male from Homer Simpson to John Rambo will choose the bed over the couch.
To the extent that you, TheMissus, are open to exploring this area, I am prepared to suggest possibilities. There are numerous possibile reasons why a male may prefer a couch to a bed with his wife, and the problem may lie with either or both of the husband and wife. However, if you do not wish to go down this avenue, then I see no need to continue this discussion. Suffice to say that I have made my point (above), and you have chosen to avoid it. For your own good, my suggestion is please take an honest look at this area, because it is important to identify the problem instead of speculating about possible solutions (eg. holiday) without even knowing what exactly is the problem.
"Drawing back into his shell" and being reclusive due to one thing, and moving outside to sleep on the living room couch is a completely different thing. Whatever problems your husband has with work, those problems having nothing to do with the wife's bed. There is no connection between him feeling "useless", and having to sleep on living room couch.
Sincerely
artspraken
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Good advice are given by passthepython and artspraken11. It seems that you have set your mind to believing that the only reason he is ignoring you is because of his stress at work and nothing else. It could be stress at work plus a whole load of other issues, which you will never get to explore if you are not ready to face up to it.
And I would say the way he is handling his responsibility at work is not a healthy one. He is bordering on obsessive towards his work, to the extent of neglecting the people around him, including you. You shouldn't use this as an excuse for his behaviour and resolve yourself to letting him continue with this...because it is not healthy for him and your relationship at the same time. There is only so much loneliness a woman can take ...please don't let it continue this way and seek help/counselling if need be.
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
TheMissus,
I mean well. I hope i am not rude. But I repeat what I said in quotes.
I had hoped that you will address what I said directly. But your avoidance of the topic tells me that this is where you need to look for the problem. Sometimes the area of self-denial is the area where the problem lies. The more sensitive the area, the more difficult it may be to recognise the problem.
I would daresay that any male will not take the trouble to sleep on the living room couch, unless there is a problem sharing wife's bed. Men are practical creatures. No matter how stressed from work and reclusive, the comfort of a proper bed and pillow is better than a living room couch. It really takes a problem to make the male prefer the couch. The choice between a comfortable bed and a living room couch is not a question of male perspective. It is a certainty. Every male from Homer Simpson to John Rambo will choose the bed over the couch.
To the extent that you, TheMissus, are open to exploring this area, I am prepared to suggest possibilities. There are numerous possibile reasons why a male may prefer a couch to a bed with his wife, and the problem may lie with either or both of the husband and wife. However, if you do not wish to go down this avenue, then I see no need to continue this discussion. Suffice to say that I have made my point (above), and you have chosen to avoid it. For your own good, my suggestion is please take an honest look at this area, because it is important to identify the problem instead of speculating about possible solutions (eg. holiday) without even knowing what exactly is the problem.
"Drawing back into his shell" and being reclusive due to one thing, and moving outside to sleep on the living room couch is a completely different thing. Whatever problems your husband has with work, those problems having nothing to do with the wife's bed. There is no connection between him feeling "useless", and having to sleep on living room couch.
Sincerely
artspraken
Totally agree with you, artspraken. TS should face the problem straight on instead of digging up all sorts of "research" to explain the problem away for her own satisfaction and living in denial.