How can I make my hubby love me more?
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Originally posted by Passthepython:
Firstly, you say that your husband tends to clam up whenever he's stressed or depressed from work - even clam up to you. Okay, that is a bad sign for any marriage, for any kind of guy. Attributing it to your husband's idiosyncrasies obviously doesn't help anyone, and neither does it magically make your marriage healthier. Nothing changes the fact that in a marriage, the couple needs to be open with each other about almost everything, not to mention something as basic as work problems. Maybe your husband just isn't cut out for marriage if he's that type of person. Or maybe your relationship just isn't open or two-way enough, and that won't work either.
What you said above, 'that maybe he isn't suitable to be married', I said to him that time cos I thought of it too while pondering on his reactions. after he drew into the shell from me for 4 days without telling me WHY (not to mention abruptly saying he's too upset to go on the holiday anymore), and I had to cry, bug him for 4 days before he opened up to me told me what happened to make him like that. I didn't even know that it was due to work until he told me. For those 4 days I thought it was me. After the whole episode was 'over' ie he opened up again, I got angry thinking of the way he handled it and raised the issue.
I said how can he like that to me, we're a common unit now, married and he's supposed to share his woes and happiness with me, how can just withdraw and shut down and your wife dunno what happened' and i said to him 'u're not living a single's life anymore like back when U can choose to not talk to your classmates for 1 month cos u have some demons u need to kill and need to stew in your ****" and then i said maybe u're not suited yet to be married. but after that we talked things thru and he promised me he won't do it again.
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Originally posted by artspraken11:
TheMissus,
I mean well. I hope i am not rude. But I repeat what I said in quotes.
I had hoped that you will address what I said directly. But your avoidance of the topic tells me that this is where you need to look for the problem. Sometimes the area of self-denial is the area where the problem lies. The more sensitive the area, the more difficult it may be to recognise the problem.
I would daresay that any male will not take the trouble to sleep on the living room couch, unless there is a problem sharing wife's bed. Men are practical creatures. No matter how stressed from work and reclusive, the comfort of a proper bed and pillow is better than a living room couch. It really takes a problem to make the male prefer the couch. The choice between a comfortable bed and a living room couch is not a question of male perspective. It is a certainty. Every male from Homer Simpson to John Rambo will choose the bed over the couch.
To the extent that you, TheMissus, are open to exploring this area, I am prepared to suggest possibilities. There are numerous possibile reasons why a male may prefer a couch to a bed with his wife, and the problem may lie with either or both of the husband and wife. However, if you do not wish to go down this avenue, then I see no need to continue this discussion. Suffice to say that I have made my point (above), and you have chosen to avoid it. For your own good, my suggestion is please take an honest look at this area, because it is important to identify the problem instead of speculating about possible solutions (eg. holiday) without even knowing what exactly is the problem.
"Drawing back into his shell" and being reclusive due to one thing, and moving outside to sleep on the living room couch is a completely different thing. Whatever problems your husband has with work, those problems having nothing to do with the wife's bed. There is no connection between him feeling "useless", and having to sleep on living room couch.
Sincerely
artspraken
No offence taken.
I also felt it's totally abnormal cos we're married. The same reaction when he told me to move back to my parents' house so i have companionship when he's so busy. To me with marriage comes a set of social conventions I follow like man and wife sleeping on the same bed, living in the same house, no matter how busy.
Whenever I ask him about it, his reason is he works on his laptop in the living room (on the couch) when he comes home (i know this to be true, i see him glued to the laptop sending out emails to continents away and to his boss - divorced by the way - , who's amazingly also up to check emails from subordinates and replying at that time!) until about 1030 to 11pm every night. now and then i'll go see what he does and disturb him a bit, give him water, go and ask for hugs, and I see him sending work emails to US and to his bosses or writing his papers. sometimes he's so tired he even dozes off halfway and his laptop's still on.. he says it's a matter of practical convenience cos that way he can just sleep immediately on the couch after working. this is what he told me. Basically this is his daily routine now. It's work at 9am and then not even a proper dinner for him on his own (i think most times he anyhow tarpow food and eat), comes home and continues to work on the laptop. So just explaining to you. What do you think?
I asked him before to read his boring work-related magazines and journals ON OUR BED IN OUR ROOM, but he says my TV which I turn on in the room is a disturbance.
I also asked him to bring the laptop and work inside our room on the bed, so at least we can be physically beside each other even if no one is talking, he said it's not do-able because the company-issued laptop doesn't have a detector to detect wireless, it has to be plugged directly to the cable modem in the hall, which is true. Also my husband works on classified and sensitive stuff which is not really permissible for me to see.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
Bear in mind that there isn't just one type of man and male perspective in the world, with all due respect to your perspective, probably got a few major types. When you feel you've encountered a setback and feel like a failure, do you recluse yourself, draw back into your shell, or do you open up to and even gush to your woman? I'm guessing you're the latter type, you sound like the metrosexual type that's quite open to your gf..
Before the new posting issue, my hubby has at least one other time, drew back into his shell from me when he felt disappointed at work, he shut down emotionally from everyone and lapsed into minor depression in which he refused to talk to anyone including me for a wk (he was on leave), he just read his book and hide in the room and when i try to talk to him, he is totally down and refused to open up..dat was the time he told me he felt too down to go on the trip, told me to go on my own and gao ding the issue myself.. when I bugged him on why why whats bugging him, he was too down and upset to tell me (his wife).. he just ignore me, told me to leave him alone..only after 4 days I cried and bugged him and pleaded with him cos I had no clue what happened, he told me what happened at work..and how he was disappointed
So I won't say this is the 1st time he's exhibiting the syndrome of withdrawing into a shell emotionally from me and everyone else. He'd still talk to ppl at work cos it's necessary but I doubt he's like chirpy either. he told me when he was in university and an ex gf broke up with him, and he did not speak to anyone for one month after that, he'd attend classes and not say a word. When he finally spoke again, his friends in school said they thought he was angry with them but didn't know why.my hubby, when my frens and colleagues meet him, they all say he's the alphamale type, whatever that means, all of them say that, not just one, and they all sorta have the same opinion without me prodding..can the enlightened men and women tell me what this means??
i tried to research it on the net and it turns out to be a gorilla type. It also means an egotistical man..
Really got more than 1 type of personality for man.. like there would be more than 1 for women. pappygatymus and xtreyier can offer some feedback, since they say they exhibited such behaviour before to their significant others..I guess an educated and intelligent person like you would prefer to critically analyse a situation before comming to a rational decision or solution. I hope I can help, for thru your writing, i feel the hubby is like me in behaviour.
Alpha males do exists. They are as you said, egoistical and thrives on challenges. Mediocre is a foul word and do not exist in their vocabulary, and are often insensitive to others when fully focussed to obtain an objective. They usually succeed in whatever they do.
Alpha males exists in varying degrees. Some are lightly touched, but some are absolute sizzlers and would fry those close to them. Sex is secondary to some, for they view the successful outcome of challenges as better than sex.
I prefer to please my partner than actually enjoy the act of sex, which may perhaps explains my low sex drive as well as your hubby's, more so when he is focussed on a new objective.
Sleeping on the couch, in the toilet, the kitchen, the bed or anyway else holds no difference - it is only a plae to lie down and take that unnecessary and time wasting rest when there is still so much to do. One day should be 48 hours instead of just 24 hours.
But when faced with failure, such sizzlers withdrew into a shell, hiding and despising himself. Failure is too difficult to handle. No one else can help him out except himself, for he needs the exlizer of self confidence and self believe to stand tall again. And such growth needs time. Like your hubby, I did the same and behaved similarly.
But all these are no excuse for his treatment to you. I was blind and had been selfish to the one who was like you, who gave me her love and more, and yet was neglected beyond human endurance with my frequent working trips overseas and weekend projects. Regrets and realization often comes too late.
Today, I am still paying the price for the sketeton in my closet with self enforced loneliness, for my hurtful deed to another living loving human. I hope your hubby may not end like me - living life with guilt and remorse hidden deep down in me for I still have to move on with life.
I hope my words may help, but I would rather that you seek professional marriage counsellors. Life experiences such as mine cannot be compared to conducted researched studies counsellors have access to.
Good luck, and may you be happy always. Cheers!
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I would agree with Passthephyton. What you should ask yourself now is if the feelings are mutual for both of you. Doesn't sound to me like he give a hoot about you. Sorry if I sound too harsh, I would like to keep a neutral tone, but I just want to get my opinion and feeling expressed. He promised he won't do it again and he did it again.
You have been insisting the problem is work-related. If you really believe so and think you can't do anything about his nature. You got an option to be a good wife and make him comfortable whenever possible.
Actually I was going to consult with my wife about this issue (don't get me wrong, I just find this thread to be interesting, I am not some nerd.), but thought it would be too embarassing bringing subjects up from an online source.
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(xtreiyer)
Alpha males do exists. They are as you said, egoistical and thrives on challenges. Mediocre is a foul word and do not exist in their vocabulary, and are often insensitive to others when fully focussed to obtain an objective. They usually succeed in whatever they do.
Alpha males exists in varying degrees. Some are lightly touched, but some are absolute sizzlers and would fry those close to them. Sex is secondary to some, for they view the successful outcome of challenges as better than sex.
as a non-alpha, passive male, i must say that i really hate alpha-males and cannot stand their behavior. these da-nan-ren-zhu-yi guys think they're the king of the universe and that everything revolves around them.
the worst thing is that, usually, girls are attracted to these animals even if they've no sense of humor or are un-romantic. all they need is to be tough, make demands and girls will weaken.
pardon my crude language, but i've deep angst against alpha males.
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Well... I am picturing alpha male to be like Lion King. His magnificent aura and all, but he still cares about his family.
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Originally posted by xtreyier:
I guess an educated and intelligent person like you would prefer to critically analyse a situation before comming to a rational decision or solution. I hope I can help, for thru your writing, i feel the hubby is like me in behaviour.
Alpha males do exists. They are as you said, egoistical and thrives on challenges. Mediocre is a foul word and do not exist in their vocabulary, and are often insensitive to others when fully focussed to obtain an objective. They usually succeed in whatever they do.
Alpha males exists in varying degrees. Some are lightly touched, but some are absolute sizzlers and would fry those close to them. Sex is secondary to some, for they view the successful outcome of challenges as better than sex.
I prefer to please my partner than actually enjoy the act of sex, which may perhaps explains my low sex drive as well as your hubby's, more so when he is focussed on a new objective.
Sleeping on the couch, in the toilet, the kitchen, the bed or anyway else holds no difference - it is only a plae to lie down and take that unnecessary and time wasting rest when there is still so much to do. One day should be 48 hours instead of just 24 hours.
But when faced with failure, such sizzlers withdrew into a shell, hiding and despising himself. Failure is too difficult to handle. No one else can help him out except himself, for he needs the exlizer of self confidence and self believe to stand tall again. And such growth needs time. Like your hubby, I did the same and behaved similarly.
But all these are no excuse for his treatment to you. I was blind and had been selfish to the one who was like you, who gave me her love and more, and yet was neglected beyond human endurance with my frequent working trips overseas and weekend projects. Regrets and realization often comes too late.
Today, I am still paying the price for the sketeton in my closet with self enforced loneliness, for my hurtful deed to another living loving human. I hope your hubby may not end like me - living life with guilt and remorse hidden deep down in me for I still have to move on with life.
I hope my words may help, but I would rather that you seek professional marriage counsellors. Life experiences such as mine cannot be compared to conducted researched studies counsellors have access to.
Good luck, and may you be happy always. Cheers!
I was shocked when I read what you said, you sound not merely eerily similar to him in character, but as close to identical as i can think of.
"mediocrity' is a foul word that you said, he is totally like this and said before, though I've not mentioned this before your latest post. I hope you get over the self enforced loneliness and find love..if my hubby could, so can you, again. you are so much like him!! May I ask what kind of work were you doing when you were in that phase neglecting your gf?
Also, I am NOT intelligent nor educated. Between us 2 (my hubby and i), i've always felt like the silly bimbo, i am giggly in real life, and am generally cheerful, not very intellectual nor driven at work, albeit i know what he loves me for and my strength is not my brains, but my ability to lighten his mood and make him laugh (when he is not upset by work). Of cos when he's feeling down by work, nothing I do or say can lift him out of the deep hole he feels he's in.
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Originally posted by Pappygatmus:
I would agree with Passthephyton. What you should ask yourself now is if the feelings are mutual for both of you. Doesn't sound to me like he give a hoot about you. Sorry if I sound too harsh, I would like to keep a neutral tone, but I just want to get my opinion and feeling expressed. He promised he won't do it again and he did it again.
You have been insisting the problem is work-related. If you really believe so and think you can't do anything about his nature. You got an option to be a good wife and make him comfortable whenever possible.
Actually I was going to consult with my wife about this issue (don't get me wrong, I just find this thread to be interesting, I am not some nerd.), but thought it would be too embarassing bringing subjects up from an online source.
If your wife had a problem that you know she should kick and that u two agreed she should resolve, do you ditch her the 1st instance of her failure?
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Originally posted by Pappygatmus:
I would agree with Passthephyton. What you should ask yourself now is if the feelings are mutual for both of you. Doesn't sound to me like he give a hoot about you. Sorry if I sound too harsh, I would like to keep a neutral tone, but I just want to get my opinion and feeling expressed. He promised he won't do it again and he did it again.
You have been insisting the problem is work-related. If you really believe so and think you can't do anything about his nature. You got an option to be a good wife and make him comfortable whenever possible.
Actually I was going to consult with my wife about this issue (don't get me wrong, I just find this thread to be interesting, I am not some nerd.), but thought it would be too embarassing bringing subjects up from an online source.
Haha I bring up some issues I have read in online forums, especially those pertaining to relationship, to my husband as well. I don't think there is anything to feel ashamed about it ;) Sometimes they make for good discussions.
I also think that doesn't matter whether TS' husband is an alpha male or a perfectionist or simply just a workaholic who is obsessed with his work, he has no right to treat his wife in this way. If he wants to be so involved in his work, he might as well marry his job and don't marry TS in the first place.
TS can see with your own eyes: his own boss is able to reply to his emails at all time, including late at night because he is divorced. Does he (TS' husband) want to go down the same lane? Plus your husband has promised that he would never do it again after that incident where he shut off himself for a few days, but is he keeping his words?
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I snoop into his email, like I mentioned before, due to his behavior that simply makes me insecure and i need to reassure myself and keep my sanity with the assurance of his faithfulness. I dug through and found an email in which he wrote to his appointed mentor in his organisation as a self introduction over three years ago, when he was 24. He had to make a personal statement about himself and the last para when i read, i feel like it sums up the situation well, and I feel as if I fit right into it..
the last para: "Finally, I cannot tolerate mediocracy. If I'm doing something I need to
be really good at it, if not the best. That is how I motivate myself.
This often leads to fustration and self doubt, and sometimes I burn
myself out trying to be the best. If my endeavours involve other people,
they find themselves being 'dragged down' by me in trying to be the
best." -
Originally posted by TheMissus:
If your wife had a problem that you know she should kick and that u two agreed she should resolve, do you ditch her the 1st instance of her failure?
Nope you do not but you cannot ignore it either...it is simply not a solution to just ignore and let him be. we are not advocating you to divorce your hubby straight away but to try to talk to him and see what comes out of it.
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Hi, Just a thought. In light of the Peter Principle and given your hubby's extreme expectations of himself and his response to disappointments, I fear that there could be another concern besides your present difficulties. Whilst we hope that he will succeed in his present and future undertakings, I wonder how you could be there for him should he encounter a reversal in his career. Where is the source of your love, strength and forbearance? I wish both of you well.
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Originally posted by Pappygatmus:
I would agree with Passthephyton. What you should ask yourself now is if the feelings are mutual for both of you. Doesn't sound to me like he give a hoot about you. Sorry if I sound too harsh, I would like to keep a neutral tone, but I just want to get my opinion and feeling expressed. He promised he won't do it again and he did it again.
You have been insisting the problem is work-related. If you really believe so and think you can't do anything about his nature. You got an option to be a good wife and make him comfortable whenever possible.
Actually I was going to consult with my wife about this issue (don't get me wrong, I just find this thread to be interesting, I am not some nerd.), but thought it would be too embarassing bringing subjects up from an online source.
You don't have to say its an online source, u can use the proverbial line "my friend...has this problem..."
yeah like rainee i do bring up issues inspired from cyberspace to my hubby too, when he's in open-up talking mood lah. -
Originally posted by TheMissus:
I snoop into his email, like I mentioned before, due to his behavior that simply makes me insecure and i need to reassure myself and keep my sanity with the assurance of his faithfulness. I dug through and found an email in which he wrote to his appointed mentor in his organisation as a self introduction over three years ago, when he was 24. He had to make a personal statement about himself and the last para when i read, i feel like it sums up the situation well, and I feel as if I fit right into it..
the last para: "Finally, I cannot tolerate mediocracy. If I'm doing something I need to
be really good at it, if not the best. That is how I motivate myself.
This often leads to fustration and self doubt, and sometimes I burn
myself out trying to be the best. If my endeavours involve other people,
they find themselves being 'dragged down' by me in trying to be the
best."I just think he might be suffering from some kind of disorder or something...should get him to seek therapy or counselling to help him to take things easy before he stresses himself to death. Stress can contribute to heart problem and high blood pressure, you know?
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
You don't have to say its an online source, u can use the proverbial line "my friend...has this problem..."
yeah like rainee i do bring up issues inspired from
cyberspace to my hubby too, when he's in open-up talking mood
lah.Haha believe it or not, I am currently showing the thread to my husband and he might be able to empathize and offer solution since he is a self-proclaimed perfectionist as well...
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Originally posted by porkyna:
Hi,
Just a thought.
In light of the Peter Principle and given your hubby’s extreme expectations of himself and his response to disappointments, I fear that there could be another concern besides your present difficulties.
Whilst we hope that he will succeed in his present and future undertakings, I wonder how you could be there for him should he encounter a reversal in his career. Where is the source of your love, strength and forbearance?
I wish both of you well.
What's Peter Principle? I know what you mean. I'm scared shitless of that day too. If EVER, touch wood, Christ does not permit, $hit ever hits the fan, I don't know what to do....I am VERY sure I will always be there for him, I will always stand by my vows, I love him.
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Originally posted by TheMissus:
If your wife had a problem that you know she should kick and that u two agreed she should resolve, do you ditch her the 1st instance of her failure?
You are very faithful, congratulation to your husband. But I don't think this is the 1st instance of his failure. Empty promises is understandable, I admit I do that too. But think of yourself, I am not suggesting a divorce of sort. At least keep yourself healthy, there isn't a reason to wear yourself out because of this issue. ( Forgive me if I am wrong, but I had been assuming you are vexed x999 by your husband's behaviour.)
You at least have to come to a decision. 1st scenario would be force him to talk to you, he will go "you siao ah", you cry and he got more confused and his heart soften, then you pour your feeling out. 2nd scenario wait for the perfect moment, you see him sip his coffee and reading his newspaper, you play sexy with him, if he got turned on, you are cool. 3rd scenario you keep quiet, keep forumming, comes to no conclusion, one year passed, you still forum here. There are countless things that can happen.
Confront your problem now and get a satisfying answer out from him, be it nice thing or horrendous geylang whore 4th scenario. At least you cleared things up and move on with life. Gather up the courage to hear the truth. Slap him if he ignore you or start a fight, grab a bottle and wallop him.
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Originally posted by rainee:
Haha believe it or not, I am currently showing the thread to my husband and he might be able to empathize and offer solution since he is a self-proclaimed perfectionist as well...
If only I have the guts to do that. Imagine what my wife would be talking to her friends behind my back if I told her about this. They would brainwash her like LKY. " Omg! You don't think he do cyber sex? Aiyoyo." Then I cham liao.
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u wonder how to make ur hubby love u more, 6 months into married life, 1 month into his new posting...
since his character is a constant, his nature towards his work is a constant, u are constant, then why isn't the love u are feeling & getting constant?
is it because u are expecting more love compared to before?
or because u are getting lesser love compared to before?
society expects something from marriage but i don't think it matters whether u are married, separated, or still dating... marriage is not something that can be used to enforce certain feelings, reactions and behaviour in a human. similarly, career does not justify emotional distance, can't use it to brush everything else aside.
y?
because humans don't starve themselves of intimacy, closeness, tenderness and affection. it is a basic need. so many different types of human beings but that basic need (fuel) remains the same.
it's horrible enough being walloped, overwhelmed, consumed at work. when i am done fighting the storm, i may not verbalize my misery, communicate my failures but i will go to the source of my strength. like handphone battery, when empty, i plug to AC and charge. what is his source? where is the anchor of his sanity?
before marriage... before his new posting, what was his source? where was his anchor? what kept him going?
after marriage... after his new posting, has his source changed? what keeps him sane? what drives him now?
have u always been part of his needs, his source? or have u been disconnected? taken out of his equation?
u can find explanation from forums, from people, derive logical explanation, from practical experience and then rationalize his behaviour. you can do personality test, read books, understand his psyche in and out but it doesn't change the fact that he is still human, has needs, like you. things were okay, that was why u got together.
a few months ago, u booked a short trip, he cancelled. 1 month ago, he joined a new department, told u he needed space. now a nice dinner is a rare treat, he sets up a new mini gym for weekly body work out. if he has always been this emotionally vacant, removed, challenged, couldn't serve your needs as a human, why are u expecting something different now? if he has changed, doesn't respond to ur methods, y spoil him further? y continue using the same passive method if it doesn't work?
some forumers could be right. the only way out, is probably something drastic, depends on what u are after. maybe the impact of something drastic will effect a change.
no libido/sex drive is okay...
no intimacy is tough...
it's not the stress. it's not the boss, work and journals.
this is between him and you...
and lastly, he is a very fortunate man to have u as his wife. what about u? what do u deserve?
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Hello
My name is juliet,I went Through your profile at (community2.myfoxaustin)
i have no options than to let you Know that am interested to have a relationship with you, If you don't, mind
Believe me we can move from here.i will like you to send your email to my email so that i can send you my pictuer for you to know me, my email address .
([email protected] )
Remeber the distance or colour does not matter,because i have something very IMPORTANT to tell you, am looking forward to hear form you.
thanks and God bless you .
Best Regard,
ms juliet -
Originally posted by Babyfav:
Hello
My name is juliet,I went Through your profile at (community2.myfoxaustin)
i have no options than to let you Know that am interested to have a relationship with you, If you don't, mind
Believe me we can move from here.i will like you to send your email to my email so that i can send you my pictuer for you to know me, my email address .
([email protected] )
Remeber the distance or colour does not matter,because i have something very IMPORTANT to tell you, am looking forward to hear form you.
thanks and God bless you .
Best Regard,
ms juliet
hey...ur the dude from shoutbox -
hey Missus, stop ruining your own life now and get together with guys like me.
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Originally posted by Nikar 3:
hey Missus, stop ruining your own life now and get together with guys like me.
Where's your viet bride?
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Originally posted by Nikar 3:
hey Missus, stop ruining your own life now and get together with guys like me.
You have found the woman you love to have sex already? -
Originally posted by TheMissus:
...he works on his laptop in the living room (on the couch) when he comes home ... until about 1030 to 11pm every night. now and then i'll go see what he does and disturb him a bit, give him water, go and ask for hugs, and I see him sending work emails to US and to his bosses or writing his papers. sometimes he's so tired he even dozes off halfway and his laptop's still on.. he says it's a matter of practical convenience cos that way he can just sleep immediately on the couch after working. this is what he told me.
IMHO, the 'practical convenience' thing is an excuse.
You need to see the disconnect here. The disconnect is between (i) being work obsesssed; and (ii) sleeping on couch. The two are completely unrelated.
I do not understand the 'practical convenience'. Is it troublesome to walk into the master bedroom and enjoy bed linen, soft pillow, and warm flesh of his wife beside him?