Hi Folks,
I am back again..After 4 months after the incident which I've posted the thread below..I am still facing the same problems again..I am having the same old fears..I scared of being played out althought my gf sweared to me many times that she will not do such things ever again, will shoot by thunder etc..if any problem happens between us she will make sure that we do not have any links before she can find someone else to take care of her..But I cannot stop asking her for assurance every now and then and I also do not know what is wrong with me?
I do have a past history of OCD and was cured with medications 4 years ago and it seems to be triggered back again after feb 09 when I posted the thread below after knowing her past..
I really do not know how to make myself trust my gf, she was truthful to me for the past 7 months we been together..She also changed alot like starting to save money..Do not spend on unnecessary things..Also she will avoid any strange msn guys, also delete off any speeddate guys messages..She will discuss me on things first before proceeding..She also rejected some pervert msn guys looking for sex partners after I peep at her old msn history logs.
I also have a peep of her old msn history with the 2nd guy whom she was involved with in the previous thread.. Althought I know that she was dubed into such arrangements with that guy after seeing those messages.. "She kept on telling that guy that they should remain as friends and not to treat her so nice: (ä¸�è¦�å¯¹æˆ‘è¿™æ ·å¥½å°±å�¯ä»¥äº†) because she knows that there will be no outcome between them..but that guy kept on pesting her/treated her very nicely, told her that he cannot leave her & promised to give her commitments etc even if the family objects" She then decided to give that guy a chance for him to love her.
Another conversation with a mutual msn fren of her's after tat incident was: (真的好累好累ï¼�很想找一个æ�¥ä¾�é� 。。å�¯æ˜¯åŽŸæ�¥ä¸–ç•Œä¸�æ˜¯æˆ‘æƒ³è±¡é‚£æ ·å®Œç¾Žçš„å’¯ï¼�兜了一大圈原æ�¥åˆ°æœ€å�Žå…¨éƒ¨éƒ½æ˜¯å�‡çš„。。。所以我开始越æ�¥è¶Šä¸�相信很多东西了。。其实我也是一个普通女å©å�而已，难é�“è¦�找一个真爱那么难å�—? 我付出的我从没有è¦�求回报过，å�¯æ˜¯åˆ°æœ€å�Žæˆ‘给人家弄得多么残å�—？别人把我当傻瓜。。)
After seeing those messages secretly, everyone in the right mind will think of her being played out & learned her lessons. But I still can't seem to stop worrying after all the information I've known and after her giving me lots of assurance.
I think my OCD is causing all these and wanted to put a stop to it.. I know that even if I get another gf with a nice background, this OCD will be causing problems between us..
My previous thread.
http://sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/348925
Originally posted by Jerry1:Hi Folks,
I am back again..After 4 months after the incident which I've posted the thread below..I am still facing the same problems again..I am having the same old fears..I scared of being played out althought my gf sweared to me many times that she will not do such things ever again, will shoot by thunder etc..if any problem happens between us she will make sure that we do not have any links before she can find someone else to take care of her..But I cannot stop asking her for assurance every now and then and I also do not know what is wrong with me?
I do have a past history of OCD and was cured with medications 4 years ago and it seems to be triggered back again after feb 09 when I posted the thread below after knowing her past..
I really do not know how to make myself trust my gf, she was truthful to me for the past 7 months we been together..She also changed alot like starting to save money..Do not spend on unnecessary things..Also she will avoid any strange msn guys, also delete off any speeddate guys messages..She will discuss me on things first before proceeding..She also rejected some pervert msn guys looking for sex partners after I peep at her old msn history logs.
I also have a peep of her old msn history with the 2nd guy whom she was involved with in the previous thread.. Althought I know that she was dubed into such arrangements with that guy after seeing those messages.. "She kept on telling that guy that they should remain as friends and not to treat her so nice: (ä¸�è¦�å¯¹æˆ‘è¿™æ ·å¥½å°±å�¯ä»¥äº†) because she knows that there will be no outcome between them..but that guy kept on pesting her/treated her very nicely, told her that he cannot leave her & promised to give her commitments etc even if the family objects" She then decided to give that guy a chance for him to love her.
Another conversation with a mutual msn fren of her's after tat incident was: (真的好累好累ï¼�很想找一个æ�¥ä¾�é� 。。å�¯æ˜¯åŽŸæ�¥ä¸–ç•Œä¸�æ˜¯æˆ‘æƒ³è±¡é‚£æ ·å®Œç¾Žçš„å’¯ï¼�兜了一大圈原æ�¥åˆ°æœ€å�Žå…¨éƒ¨éƒ½æ˜¯å�‡çš„。。。所以我开始越æ�¥è¶Šä¸�相信很多东西了。。其实我也是一个普通女å©å�而已，难é�“è¦�找一个真爱那么难å�—? 我付出的我从没有è¦�求回报过，å�¯æ˜¯åˆ°æœ€å�Žæˆ‘给人家弄得多么残å�—？别人把我当傻瓜。。)
After seeing those messages secretly, everyone in the right mind will think of her being played out & learned her lessons. But I still can't seem to stop worrying after all the information I've known and after her giving me lots of assurance.
I think my OCD is causing all these and wanted to put a stop to it.. I know that even if I get another gf with a nice background, this OCD will be causing problems between us..
My previous thread.
http://sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/348925
In short, she is currently faithful to you, but you are worrying about her betraying your trust and love.
The worst thing is that this is partially due to a mental illness which you had, though you have "recovered" from it a few years ago.
The best thing for you to do now is to see a psycologist and get some counselling and medicine. OCD is partially a biological thing, so you can never truly fully recover from it.
Bro, I know..I tried to help myself and medicine few years ago and recovered..
From child I have this checking things over and over again..I also dunno even if I get another new GF i will also have this habit..
Originally posted by Jerry1:Bro, I know..I tried to help myself and medicine few years ago and recovered..
From child I have this checking things over and over again..I also dunno even if I get another new GF i will also have this habit..
Unfortunately there is no such thing as a definite permanent recovery. A relapse is not uncommon for those without a strong will ( No offence intended here ).
If you get another gf, the same thing might still happen. The main problem now is no longer your gf, but yourself.
Hopes this helps :
The specific technique used in BT/CBT is called exposure and ritual preventionexposure and response prevention") or ERP; this involves gradually learning to tolerate the anxiety associated with not performing the ritual behavior. At first, for example, someone might touch something only very mildly "contaminated" (such as a tissue that has been touched by another tissue that has been touched by the end of a toothpick that has touched a book that came from a "contaminated" location, such as a school.) That is the "exposure". The "ritual prevention" is not washing. Another example might be leaving the house and checking the lock only once (exposure) without going back and checking again (ritual prevention). The person fairly quickly habituates to the anxiety-producing situation and discovers that their anxiety level has dropped considerably; they can then progress to touching something more "contaminated" or not checking the lock at all—again, without performing the ritual behavior of washing or checking. (also known as "
Exposure ritual/response prevention (ERP) has been demonstrated to be the most effective treatment for OCD. Using ERP alone, one can become completely symptom free. However, the individual must be highly motivated and consistent. It has generally been accepted that psychotherapy, in combination with psychotropic medication, is more effective than either option alone. However, more recent studies have shown no difference in outcomes for those treated with the combination of medicine and CBT versus CBT alone.
Recently it has been reported simultaneous administration of D-Cycloserin (an antibiotic) substantially improves effectiveness of Exposure and Response prevention.
Bro, Thanks for listening to me..
I do not have must frens to talk to..I kept on wanting to seek reassurance from her althought she sweared to me 100 times that she will not do it, else she will get hit by lightings..I hear liao shiok for awhile the the urge comes back again to seek assurance again..
Even if I find a gf with a cleaner past, I dunno I will still be the same like now..
I like to keep on checking my safe after locking it properly..I feared of robbers coming to my house to steal my watches if nobody is at home..I will double check it again when I reached home but althought I know that the entire house is in good conditions when I reached home so it cannot be raided by thiefs..
You have this image in your head of what life, gf and what-not ought to be and that is the cause of all that misery lar.
My suggestion is that you uncondition yourself of all these and understand that only when you are self-fulfilled and in a position to share what you are (and Have) all people, things that come your way - will eventually stay , be lost or gone.
Do understand this also - attachment is not love (in relationships or ...) and attachment to things is your undoing. Its your fear of loss that causes you anxiety and stress. Enjoy, live and let go lar.
What is lacking within - can never be replaced with what comes from the outside - be it things, people!
Leo Buscaglia's Living, Loving & Learning is a good read (that is if u care to ... )
Actually my fears triggered from some HIV scared 5 years back, I've accidently touched some blood and then begin this fear where by i kept on testing blood for up to 7 months and even lost my job because of that.. I've research alot about the disease and read alot of such forums everyday.. Finally on the 7th month, I decided to put it to an end by testing the last time. Results neg but happy for 2 days and then started thinking about the doc may have used a tainted needle on me and I kept on recalling the senarios on that day I went to the clinic to make sure that the doc used a new needle..I knew that the doc uses a new needle but the fears doesn't get away..Until i decided to seek medical help and then it gets away..
But you read the history of my gf and u should know why my fears come back..I am very scared of HIV..
The past is a cancelled cheque lar, its no longer valid - what you are holding on to is merely psychological (in your mind). the real thing is what u are experiencing now. Understanding frees.
But actually deep in my heart I do mind my gf past and I cannot let go..I wanted to let go but I kept on thinking about those things she have done before..
Please lar - understand that love that keeps score of who is rite/wrong is not love lar - its something esle pretending to be love. Remember this lar - love is for giving (forgiveness) and not for getting.
Ask yourself what would love do NOW - start from there.
I know wat u mean and explaining to me bro..I am somewhat quite traditional person and hearing those things really make me sad and worried everytime..
? ?
Well, like i mentioned some things here - all that you love frees and all that you THINK you love or need binds u.
Holding a book in your hand or thinking of it is not reading it, the real thing is when you are in the PROCESS OF READING IT!
When applied to many areas of one's daily living - one would notice the 'pitfalls' of today's neurosis and ways.
Originally posted by Jerry1:I know wat u mean and explaining to me bro..I am somewhat quite traditional person and hearing those things really make me sad and worried everytime..
If you have choosen her, then don't let her down. As long as she is faithful to you and remains so, then let the past rest.
There are quite a number of guys like you who will prefer their other half to have them as their first and only man, but nowadays it is very hard for this to happen, given the large amount of screwed-up guys who only toy around with the girls.
If you dump her now, that speaks a lot for how much of a man you are, but of course it is a different story altogether if she becomes unfaithful to you.
You are not a bad man, you have been faithful and loving to her. But the most important thing in a relationship is trust. The worst part is that your mental illness is only making things worse for yourself. You should get help from a psychologist as soon as possible.
Bro..me mind is not because she is not first hand..is because she did things previously to her ex-husband that most of us cannot easily accept..If you read my previous thread..
Originally posted by Jerry1:Bro..me mind is not because she is not first hand..is because she did things previously to her ex-husband that most of us cannot easily accept..If you read my previous thread..
I was worried that that was part of the problem too. Good thing it isn't.
But as I said, you have accepted her, you have choosen her, so you had to live with it. As you said, she is being faithful to you now, so you should give her some of your trust.
If you find her unacceptable now, then you shouldn't have continued the relationship back then and have broken up instead.
Of course, all we can give you here is just "cheap talk" advices, ultimately it is your choice now what you want to do about your relationship with her......
y u so scared of HIV since u have already tested negative?
i mean HIV is deadly, yes, but u have been tested negative, why those unfounded fear?
Bro Forbidden,
I know I chosen her but now it seems to be eating me up..I duno why too..I continued because I saw changes in her and also those old msn logs which she spoken to her random msn frens way before I knew her..I know that she has regretted wat she have done so she was being played out by people badly..So I accepted her..But then say ok but my mind kept on thinking about her complicated past..
Cool-gal,
I mean I had a HIV scared back in 2004 but I am not scared now..But i am very careful nowadays to avoid such issues..But i fear of my GF because of the things she done before which seems to me to be quite risky..
One brings a dog home and - one either wants to humanize it or finds out its a cat! The truth is acceptance of oneself first, then accepting of what IS, is just the way one is.
Bro Fugazzi, I know wat you are saying..meaning that once I've accepted, I should not think anymore. But the thoughts are disturbing to me.
Originally posted by Jerry1:Bro Fugazzi, I know wat you are saying..meaning that once I've accepted, I should not think anymore. But the thoughts are disturbing to me.
That is why I asked you to get some help from a psychologist.
If these thoughts are partially due to mental illness, you will be better off to get some professional help rather than asking a group of strangers.
We can ask you to stop thinking about it, and some of the jokers here might even give you a list of 108 methods to stop thinking about it, but the only one who can make any change is yourself. You will need to build up a strong will-power to force yourself to focus your mind on other things instead.
And do not go about thinking that getting yourself drunk is a good way, that is only a temporal escape.
At the same time, you should also think about where your relationship is going. Since it is starting to settle down now, there is no reason for you to make it volatile again. A very important thing which you should not do is to talk to your gf about her past. You will only hurt both her and yourself this way.
The quality of your relationSHIPs is the ability to relate to oneself and the ripple effect is what emanates from within u.
To recgonize that one has a past (even u) is alrite but to be enslaved by the past is simply wasting away.
The thoughts that are disturbing you is the unacceptance of what is. No one can help you - if u do not acknowledge the resistance in you.
Of course, there is one sure way lar - pain is good teacher lar. Is it necessary?
The wise looks within and understands, the silly one looks everywhere except inside.
i also dunno how either..if i can solve the problem now but it may relapse later..faint
everyone has a past..but i felt disturbing when i hear adultery..I also dunno how to get this thing off..
Please, do understand that you lack self-love and that is why u are in such a predicament. Whatever your gal friend was in the past and even now is her business.
If u have love within u and most of all trust in your love - everything will be alrite. As for now, I doubt that u are self-fulfilled.
To be honest, even if u leave her and get a new 'friend' its going to make no difference lar. What u carry within u will always be there - either u reconcile and uncondition yourself and relate or stay put and wish people would change or accept u. It mite happen but that is a dicey affair.
U may go and see a psychiatrist or seek help from anyone. If u are unwilling to acknowledge the lack within - it will sooner or later surface.
There is no such thing as a strong mind - mind is a divisive mechanism. Good to use at work or marketplace. However, when it comes to matters of the heart - like love, relating and .... one has to be vlulnerable, one has to risk, one has to accept rejection, hurt and chug along.
All that you are feeling now is cos u are listening to ur mind and there is a crowd lar.By crowd, i mean all the conditioning over the years since childhood , egs your parental conditioning, your social conditioning and so on so forth.
The oppposite of love is not hate but fear.
Perhaps, its time that you understand this aspect in you and understand and accept what u are.