After 4 months, I still have this habit..
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Bro Fugazzi,
I know that wat u are saying makes sense..I have no one to pour out my things to..because all these things are presume to be kept secrets..I also know that this is a problem I have that I must counter..In fact, this is my first serious relationship thus I do not know that I have the mindset that ppl should not have a complicated background..
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Look,you know you have OCD.
You know you cannot get rid of it.
But you can control it.
First you need to recognise it.
Sit down by yourself and write down all OCD incidents you can remember.
Try to see what is the trigger or cause. Also figure out the counter actions you can take.
Do this often, and destroy the paper each time you do this exercise. The information on it is for you and only for you to know.
As you come to recognise OCD symptoms, you can deal with it.
Do not curse and hate the disorder. Just accept that it is there and deal with it.
With practice you can control yourself, regulate yourself.
Medication and psychologists cannot cure you, they just make you feel better.
Of all medication is the easiest, because you don't have to do anything, you just pop a pill and you get relief. But it is no cure.
Start writing and see the OCD coming, and control it. Develop the habit of controlling OCD instead of the habit of running amok.
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Jerry,
Let's get to the point. No need long and naggy posts.
You are just afraid that she will infect you with STD/HIV lah !
Why are you so afraid to say so ?
Since you are so scared she will give you HIV/STD( because of her past) , then tell her to get a blood test done, so that you may sleep in peace.
Are you afraid to open your mouth to ask her go get a blood test ?
After this thing about her "risky" past and STD/HIV possibility gets washed down the drain with a simple blood test.... WHAT OTHER FLAW are you gonna be "obsessed" with NEXT ?
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She tested for everything already so I am not scared now..I only scared of the future..Test negative for HIV does not mean that a person is immuned to it..If a person do something risky next time then will also put others into risk..Her behavior previously is indeed risky and I only fear of her thinking in the future..
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Jerry1,
Come'on pal, you are being too paranoid. Why keep thinking of something you wanted to forget ? Forget means no remembering but in your case you are keeping it.
Since you already told yourself that you wanted forget all those unhappy things, then dun even try to think about it. Look forward pal, no point dwelling on the past. That's a start.
As for the STD/HIV thingy that is buggy you, let it go pal. Since she is tested clean and you wanted to trust her, as long as both of you start truthful to each other then both of you will not get it. I am sure you are aware of this fact, aren't you ?
(even if you get those diseases, it doesn't matter whether you know it early or late right? )Wish you and your gf a happy life ahead
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maybe u should get your OCD treated first before you continue this relationship?
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
She tested for everything already so I am not scared now..I only scared of the future..Test negative for HIV does not mean that a person is immuned to it..If a person do something risky next time then will also put others into risk..Her behavior previously is indeed risky and I only fear of her thinking in the future..
WHAT makes you think a virgin will always remain faithful in her relationship ?
WHAT makes you think a girl who was previously faithful in a long term relationship will not betray you in the future ?
There are a lot of virgins who married a virgin and end up betraying their own spouse and passed on the infection to their spouses.
I suggest you don't get yourself involve in any bgr AT ALL. You are not the kind that is suitable to be in one.
If you continue with your constant unfounded suspicions, you will end up with NO relationship anyway.
You are only wasting her time.
Because as long as you cannot overcome this fear of betrayal, the relationship will never be able to make further progress and will die of a natural death.
Fear is a disease, hope is its only cure- S.W- Clone W
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Originally posted by candiz:
maybe u should get your OCD treated first before you continue this relationship?
What is ruining his relationship is not OCD. But OCPD. Personality Disorder.
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Jerry1
Learn to relate to yourself first lar, otherwise this festering wound is going to be the undoing of what u are all about.
I do wonder if u relate to your gf about your fears or whatever that belies the facade that you project of yourself.
OCD or not - its the lack of will on your part to fulfil who u are first that has you in a bind.
Beggarly love has nothing to offer now or even in the future - probably it will legalize love (marriage) n the next thing one (or both) is trapped and mostly, the daily dose of exploitation of each other will wear out both parties and the eventual demise of the relationship or marriage lar.
All i can surmise is a loveless relationship that is draggin and all these hoping that things will work out is delusion.
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
Hi Folks,
I am back again..After 4 months after the incident which I've posted the thread below..I am still facing the same problems again..I am having the same old fears..I scared of being played out althought my gf sweared to me many times that she will not do such things ever again, will shoot by thunder etc..if any problem happens between us she will make sure that we do not have any links before she can find someone else to take care of her..But I cannot stop asking her for assurance every now and then and I also do not know what is wrong with me?
I do have a past history of OCD and was cured with medications 4 years ago and it seems to be triggered back again after feb 09 when I posted the thread below after knowing her past..
I really do not know how to make myself trust my gf, she was truthful to me for the past 7 months we been together..She also changed alot like starting to save money..Do not spend on unnecessary things..Also she will avoid any strange msn guys, also delete off any speeddate guys messages..She will discuss me on things first before proceeding..She also rejected some pervert msn guys looking for sex partners after I peep at her old msn history logs.
I also have a peep of her old msn history with the 2nd guy whom she was involved with in the previous thread.. Althought I know that she was dubed into such arrangements with that guy after seeing those messages.. "She kept on telling that guy that they should remain as friends and not to treat her so nice: (ä¸�è¦�å¯¹æˆ‘è¿™æ ·å¥½å°±å�¯ä»¥äº†) because she knows that there will be no outcome between them..but that guy kept on pesting her/treated her very nicely, told her that he cannot leave her & promised to give her commitments etc even if the family objects" She then decided to give that guy a chance for him to love her.
Another conversation with a mutual msn fren of her's after tat incident was: (真的好累好累ï¼�很想找一个æ�¥ä¾�é� 。。å�¯æ˜¯åŽŸæ�¥ä¸–ç•Œä¸�æ˜¯æˆ‘æƒ³è±¡é‚£æ ·å®Œç¾Žçš„å’¯ï¼�兜了一大圈原æ�¥åˆ°æœ€å�Žå…¨éƒ¨éƒ½æ˜¯å�‡çš„。。。所以我开始越æ�¥è¶Šä¸�相信很多东西了。。其实我也是一个普通女å©å�而已，难é�“è¦�找一个真爱那么难å�—? 我付出的我从没有è¦�求回报过，å�¯æ˜¯åˆ°æœ€å�Žæˆ‘给人家弄得多么残å�—？别人把我当傻瓜。。)
After seeing those messages secretly, everyone in the right mind will think of her being played out & learned her lessons. But I still can't seem to stop worrying after all the information I've known and after her giving me lots of assurance.
I think my OCD is causing all these and wanted to put a stop to it.. I know that even if I get another gf with a nice background, this OCD will be causing problems between us..
My previous thread.
http://sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/348925
Your association with OCD might have suggested generic links that might actually require intervention on the biological aspect of your issue other than just tweaking of psycho-social environment.To improve your overall competence in handling your own crisis, you might want to seek professional consultation to decide if your OCD is making a comeback.
If biology is indeed part of the influence, then there’s only so much your environment could do to reassure you. Only your psychiatrist can decide if medication or other form of intervention is needed to improve that aspect of your vulnerability.
However, for everything else, in name of all that mistrust (which you have decided that you can’t help but feel this way), it is but a devil in your emotional mind that constantly play tricks on your negative feelings. Your negativity will perpetuate a self-fulfilling prophesy and you will likely end up immolating your own relationship, even if it originally doesn’t steer towards doom fire.
The relationship doesn’t need another person to ruin it – by the natural flow of situation (without considering other factors) - this person will end up being yourself; you will suicide this relationship with your doings.You see: she doesn’t need to cheat you – your mind would have probably succeeded in cheating you first, by distorting your reality and providing you deluded perspectives. For love cannot be chained – your effort spared to investigate her daily living will promote mistrust between couple and over the time, this behavior will consume you like how a demon would ensorcelled a foolish seeker to give up his soul.
Between Love and Fear – when you end up losing this relationship – Fear would have glee sadistically at your decision to believe in its false reality. And Love, which has the potential to blossom into a great relationship, is now nothing but withering and dead, with multiple stab wounds punctured by a blind man.
Love is blind – because most people end up destroying their relationship unconsciously. One that walks with no vision is no different from one that walks with no self awareness.
Both are blinded, albeit in different state.
Cheers -
I've spoken to her my fears for many times and she did reassured me many many times..I saw changes in her as in habits which I do not like she will not do..She will also listen to my opinions on things which I do not like her to do..
But somehow, the devil inside me is telling me.. "why the hell are u with such a women?" "how come a person can commit adultery 2 times within a period of 4 months, and further more with 2 blood related bros?" "I dun wan the same thing to happen to me and my family will look down on me on why I know the gal is like that and still chose to be with her?" "Her financial background is not very good due to clearing some of her stuffs from the divorce, how am I gonna take so much stuff assuming if we were to get together and I have to buy a resale flat on my own because she is not a local?"
So far she is listening to me and saving abit of money every month..I do not know how to settle so much things and still have to think of how she conduct herself in the past..
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
I've spoken to her my fears for many times and she did reassured me many many times..I saw changes in her as in habits which I do not like she will not do..She will also listen to my opinions on things which I do not like her to do..
But somehow, the devil inside me is telling me.. "why the hell are u with such a women?" "how come a person can commit adultery 2 times within a period of 4 months, and further more with 2 blood related bros?" "I dun wan the same thing to happen to me and my family will look down on me on why I know the gal is like that and still chose to be with her?" "Her financial background is not very good due to clearing some of her stuffs from the divorce, how am I gonna take so much stuff assuming if we were to get together and I have to buy a resale flat on my own because she is not a local?"
So far she is listening to me and saving abit of money every month..I do not know how to settle so much things and still have to think of how she conduct herself in the past..
The more u know the more paranoid you are. Have you been seeking medical advice as some forummers have already adviced you to? If you don't get some medication to help curb your constant worries, it would be hard for you to maintain this relationship in the long run.
Shes already doing her best to change and she listens to you. What more do you want or expect her to do? The past is over, nothing she can do to erase them but the future is still blank and waiting for you 2 to create it.
How about asking yourself whether you are with her because you love her or because of some other reason? Does your family knows the background of her currently? If they don't and you do not want them to look down on you etc, i don't really feel theres a need to tell everyone about her history since what is important is how she is now. If she is willing to change and has changed, you should not let her past forever haunts both of you.
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I know wat u mean bro..I am trying to seek medical help..
She does change from what i've notice for the past 7 months..she started saving money..
I do love her honestly, and I cried many times for her also..My family knows about her being a divorcee but they are ok with that..But they do not know about the happenings before she divorced..Wat I mean is if the same thing happens to me like her ex-husband kenna one, then surely my family will look down on me because I will spill out all her past and they will question me on why do I wanna get together with her in the first place..
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Jerry,
If u fear - how can u claim u love her lar - please lar , u dont have to honestly proclaim what u feel here but i m sure u know of such a thing as being honest to oneself - self-honesty lar.
Frankly, no one needs to approve of ur gal or whatever she is to u. If u and she can relate well and cope with the peak-and-valley expereinces of living that is all that matters lar.
Understand this - love knows no reason(s) and knows no fear(s) - absent both love abides.
I have not commented about her - cos all i know is what u say about her and frankly she (in my opinion) is free to be what she is. She is not duty-bound to alleviate your fears and emotional hang-ups.
One last thing - the most ugliest thing is to ask her to change or elicit a change that works for u. If u love , u love , please lar, she is not a means to your end. If she is - its simply means - u are using her to meet your ....
She is not here (on earth) to fulfil u lar, she is here to fulfil whatever she mite be incline to be. If u love her and can partake of her when she is with u - its a blessing. U talk about future - to me , its utter crap lar. U fear the future cos u cannot deal with uncertainty and love cannot be made certain cos its a here-now phenomenon lar, a here-now existential experience lar!
Like I mentioned before the essential is missing and the accidental is aplenty in u.
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I know u are talking sense to me..I do love her but the mind keeps on wandering..I've already found my old medical record card and wil probably call to make an appointment tomorrow..I know wat I am wrong to keep on blaming her since she already knew her mistakes..But subconciously my mind just simple cannot settle down and wanted to think about her stuffs..
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
I know wat u mean bro..I am trying to seek medical help..
She does change from what i've notice for the past 7 months..she started saving money..
I do love her honestly, and I cried many times for her also..My family knows about her being a divorcee but they are ok with that..But they do not know about the happenings before she divorced..Wat I mean is if the same thing happens to me like her ex-husband kenna one, then surely my family will look down on me because I will spill out all her past and they will question me on why do I wanna get together with her in the first place..
You do not need to be a blabber mouth when your family ask about her past.All your family wants to know is, if this girl is good for you.
There is no need to tell them in details what happened in her life before.
If they ask, just let them know you are happy and in love with her , that's all that really matters. And that's all any family member who cares for you really wants to know.
Put in more good words for your gf to generate a positive image.
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
I know u are talking sense to me..I do love her but the mind keeps on wandering..I've already found my old medical record card and wil probably call to make an appointment tomorrow..I know wat I am wrong to keep on blaming her since she already knew her mistakes..But subconciously my mind just simple cannot settle down and wanted to think about her stuffs..
The problem with you is that you want to know too much, yet you cannot handle the information overload.Yes, she is indeed a stupid, dirty and filthy whore. But you want to love her anyway.
Now the question is, will she be less of a stupid, dirty and filthy whore ? Maybe yes, maybe no. But you'd rather believe she couldn't.
Do you really think she cannot live without you ?
Right now, it seems you need her more than she needs you.
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If you love her, you should not constantly worry about the future. OCPD might be something that fuels that but i would say your own insecurity is also a huge cause in this happening.
Are you not trusting her and feels that her love for you is only temporary or do you not trust yourself to be able to continue loving her and make her feel love? If you can continue to love her deeply, there is no reason for what happened in her 1st marriage to happen again.
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
I know u are talking sense to me..I do love her but the mind keeps on wandering..I've already found my old medical record card and wil probably call to make an appointment tomorrow..I know wat I am wrong to keep on blaming her since she already knew her mistakes..But subconciously my mind just simple cannot settle down and wanted to think about her stuffs..
Even if you had paid attention to some of the many good advice given here,you still have to sit down with a professional to let that person help you to help yourself.After that is done hopefully everything else in how you percieve the World would start to improve.
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I do not know that I am confidence of loving her the way she wants me to so that she will do those things like she did previously..
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
I do not know that I am confidence of loving her the way she wants me to so that she will do those things like she did previously..
Can i know whats both your age?
There are alot of things people cannot forsee and this is 1 of them. Just continue doing your best and as long as both parties are willing to work towards a common goal, things should turn out fine.
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i am around 33 and she is 5 yrs younder than me..And also the stupid women's charter here in singapore..no matter wat happens men also loses out even if he never done anything wrong..
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
i am around 33 and she is 5 yrs younder than me..And also the stupid women's charter here in singapore..no matter wat happens men also loses out even if he never done anything wrong..
Made your appointment with your psychologist or psychiatrist yet?
Don't worry about what will happen before things even happen. Are either of you happy when u behave like this? If you don't start to give her your full trust, there might be 1 day she really gets tired of trying to please you and earn your trust and just leave you. You know how tiring it is for someone to keep trying to please and assure someone she can be trusted yet do not get any trust back?
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interesting topic.
Hope you can solve your issue asap. You can think but dont think too much.
There is a saying, "The more you think about the matter and believe it, the more reality it will become".
Good luck.
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Originally posted by Jerry1:
i am around 33 and she is 5 yrs younder than me..And also the stupid women's charter here in singapore..no matter wat happens men also loses out even if he never done anything wrong..
But without the women's charter, a lot of women would be on the losing end in Singapore. These laws were enacted to protect the women because a lot of heartless men in the past denied responsibilities of their children and such.
Putting that aside, after you finished your trip to the psychiatrist, do tell us the results and the advices that were given to you. We would see if there is anyway in which we could help you out then.