I am adopted! Confused!
-
For 19 years 11 months, i lived a great life. I have a tremendous loving family. They provided me with all the needs and wants.
I have very similar features to my mother so, I was shocked when I found the adoption papers yesterday in our JB house. My parents were in singapore then. I have a fraternal twin sis that doesnt look like any of our relatives.
All my life, I thought that I was the 3rd child and the birth certs showed that my adoptive parents were my birth parents. The documents I found were the adoption papers and a petition to change my sister & my names to our current name. And there too, was photocopy of my birth mum's IC. She looks exactly like me. From the info, she was 20 when she gave birth to me & my sis & there is no name of the father.
I am a muslim so, if a child is born out of wedlock, the name of the father should be known as Abdullah which means child of god. My 'original' name was radhiyah Binti Abdullah and with no name of the father listed, presummably, I am a bastard child.
There was one time, when i was 5, a lady came to our house and played with sis & I and she called me radhiyah, but at that age, i didnt think anything abt it.
For 20 yrs, the WHOLE family, my aunt, uncles, grandmother etc hid this from us. No wonder my late grandfather had this disgusted look everytime he looked at us.
And I think that my paternal aunt in law knows this lady as her relatives tend to know and show care abt us than anybody else. And they keep asking so many qns.
I have not told my parents abt what i have just discovered. But i feel sad that they didnt tell me. They tolerated with my tantrums, problems etc. And even defended me when i had a quarrel with my 2nd brother. They loved us not like, but MORE than their own children.
Usually, when I look in the mirror i could see both my parents faces, now, i just see a face of someone i dont know. I want answers from my birth mum, regarding health history, who was the guy who knocked her up etc. so many qns. It's just that I dont want to offend or hurt my parents feelings by searching for her. I dont want her love, I had plenty from my parents, I just want answers. I dont want to be thought as being ungrateful.
I am just sad that I am not related to them by blood. I couldnt stop thinking for this matter. Everything else doesnt seem to matter, i minute i am angry boys and now i am just angry at FATE!!!!! or whatever.
What should I do?
-
what's your complain then?
they bring you up. not enough?
-
Originally posted by duanyuqiao:
what's your complain then?
they bring you up. not enough?
its easy for you to say if your loved ones are blood related... read carefully before summarizing it all up... -
Originally posted by huzane89:
its easy for you to say if your loved ones are blood related... read carefully before summarizing it all up...you think i just say that for the sake of saying?
you think you are the only one adopted?
i been adopted too. so?what is your complain?
bring you up. still not enough? what more do you want?
-
I have a fraternal twin sis that doesnt look like any of our relatives.
Does your sister know?
what is your complain?
She just found out about the truth a few days ago, so now very confused.
Cannot blame, needs time to sort things out.
Now in emotional turmoil.
-
Originally posted by duanyuqiao:
you think i just say that for the sake of saying?
you think you are the only one adopted?
i been adopted too. so?what is your complain?
bring you up. still not enough? what more do you want?
They raised me more than enough okay...
Now, i am want some answers from my birth mum, any health issues that i should know about? Why did she gave me & sis up? etc.
And should I tell my parents that I know I am adopted now? Or should i wait for them to tell me? Why not tell me as a young child? I surely would have appreciate them more than take them for granted. I feel different. I feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing in my life.
How should i get my questions from my birth mother without my parents thinking i am ungrateful or thinking that I am running away or whatever. Everything I know is a lie. There have been countless stories how i was borned, how i was conceived. They did that to protect me. I understand. Just now, what should i do?
-
Related by blood or not is not that important, what matters is that they had shown their care and concern for you throughout all these years. Does it really matter that you know that you are not of theirs when they treated you like theirs or even better as you said it... better than theirs.
Why the anger at fate when you know that it had brought you to seemingly loving and caring parents?
Just talk nicely to them that you had discovered the truth and seek their permission and assitance in meeting your real mom whom you had so many questions about.
Or you can just treat that nothing had happened. Cos no matter how small the impact would be if you took action, life is not gonna be the same for your sister as it had impacted yours.
-
Originally posted by Ah Chia:
Does your sister know?
yup, she was the one who brought my attention to it. I am fortunate enought that i am not alone in this.
-
Originally posted by caleb_chiang:
Related by blood or not is not that important, what matters is that they had shown their care and concern for you throughout all these years. Does it really matter that you know that you are not of theirs when they treated you like theirs or even better as you said it... better than theirs.
Why the anger at fate when you know that it had brought you to seemingly loving and caring parents?
Just talk nicely to them that you had discovered the truth and seek their permission and assitance in meeting your real mom whom you had so many questions about.
Or you can just treat that nothing had happened. Cos no matter how small the impact would be if you took action, life is not gonna be the same for your sister as it had impacted yours.
giving birth to me doesnt mean she is my real mum. Then what is my adopted mum? a fake one? The real mum is the one who loves me, took care of me, and nurse me to health when i am sick.
I just dont know, if i can confront my parents with what i know now. i just feel unprepared. They have 'hinted' to me since young that if an adopted child looks for his/her birth mother is deemed as ungrateful. It's some asian stigma or something.
Little impact as it may have, i just need to find this missing piece that i thought i had all my life. I just have to know abt some things.
-
huzane89, I understand how you feel, because everything that had been told to you had been a lie.
Since you feel strongly about this issue, you should seek the truth from your adopted parents, but probably not now as you sound emtionally unsound for now.
Wait for a while when things have calmed down and approach your adopted parents, together with your sister.
I think you should approach your adopted mother alone first.
-
Originally posted by huzane89:
giving birth to me doesnt mean she is my real mum. Then what is my adopted mum? a fake one? The real mum is the one who loves me, took care of me, and nurse me to health when i am sick.
I just dont know, if i can confront my parents with what i know now. i just feel unprepared. They have 'hinted' to me since young that if an adopted child looks for his/her birth mother is deemed as ungrateful. It's some asian stigma or something.
Little impact as it may have, i just need to find this missing piece that i thought i had all my life. I just have to know abt some things.
oh okay... parental mum, satisfied? You called for advise in an open forum and you started to insult me using the small little words that I misuse, Sorry, that will not lighten your heart in this matter.Anyway, since (after I read your recent responds) you and your sister already know that you guys are adopted, I would suggest that you guys find a suitable moment to ask the big question. Prepare yourself as I think that things might not be the same after the question is striked.
Yes, we all would like to know if given in your situation. But ask your sister and yourself this. Does it benefit you guys to know the truth, even how heart warming or heart breaking it is... does it out weigh the fact that this truth might threaten your already heart warming relations in your foster home?
Does knowing that your parental mum forsake you and your sister really out weigh the fact that your foster parents are going to be hurted even after they took so good care of you two and you know that this is going to break your foster parents' hearts.
You guys are adults now, you should decided for yourself and... btw, don't bite the hand that is trying to help you, else the hand will just leave you in the lurch.
-
Originally posted by caleb_chiang:
oh okay... parental mum, satisfied? You called for advise in an open forum and you started to insult me using the small little words that I misuse, Sorry, that will not lighten your heart in this matter.Anyway, since (after I read your recent responds) you and your sister already know that you guys are adopted, I would suggest that you guys find a suitable moment to ask the big question. Prepare yourself as I think that things might not be the same after the question is striked.
Yes, we all would like to know if given in your situation. But ask your sister and yourself this. Does it benefit you guys to know the truth, even how heart warming or heart breaking it is... does it out weigh the fact that this truth might threaten your already heart warming relations in your foster home?
Does knowing that your parental mum forsake you and your sister really out weigh the fact that your foster parents are going to be hurted even after they took so good care of you two and you know that this is going to break your foster parents' hearts.
You guys are adults now, you should decided for yourself and... btw, don't bite the hand that is trying to help you, else the hand will just leave you in the lurch.
when did i insult you? I was stating a point. My birth mum doesnt mean that she's my real mum. -
Originally posted by Ah Chia:
huzane89, I understand how you feel, because everything that had been told to you had been a lie.
Since you feel strongly about this issue, you should seek the truth from your adopted parents, but probably not now as you sound emtionally unsound for now.
Wait for a while when things have calmed down and approach your adopted parents, together with your sister.
I think you should approach your adopted mother alone first.
thanks for the advice... =)
-
Originally posted by huzane89:
For 11 years 11 months, i lived a great life. I have a tremendous loving family. They provided me with all the needs and wants.
I have very similar features to my mother so, I was shocked when I found the adoption papers yesterday in our JB house. My parents were in singapore then. I have a fraternal twin sis that doesnt look like any of our relatives.
All my life, I thought that I was the 3rd child and the birth certs showed that my adoptive parents were my birth parents. The documents I found were the adoption papers and a petition to change my sister & my names to our current name. And there too, was photocopy of my birth mum's IC. She looks exactly like me. From the info, she was 20 when she gave birth to me & my sis & there is no name of the father.
I am a muslim so, if a child is born out of wedlock, the name of the father should be known as Abdullah which means child of god. My 'original' name was radhiyah Binti Abdullah and with no name of the father listed, presummably, I am a bastard child.
There was one time, when i was 5, a lady came to our house and played with sis & I and she called me radhiyah, but at that age, i didnt think anything abt it.
For 20 yrs, the WHOLE family, my aunt, uncles, grandmother etc hid this from us. No wonder my late grandfather had this disgusted look everytime he looked at us.
And I think that my paternal aunt in law knows this lady as her relatives tend to know and show care abt us than anybody else. And they keep asking so many qns.
I have not told my parents abt what i have just discovered. But i feel sad that they didnt tell me. They tolerated with my tantrums, problems etc. And even defended me when i had a quarrel with my 2nd brother. They loved us not like, but MORE than their own children.
Usually, when I look in the mirror i could see both my parents faces, now, i just see a face of someone i dont know. I want answers from my birth mum, regarding health history, who was the guy who knocked her up etc. so many qns. It's just that I dont want to offend or hurt my parents feelings by searching for her. I dont want her love, I had plenty from my parents, I just want answers. I dont want to be thought as being ungrateful.
I am just sad that I am not related to them by blood. I couldnt stop thinking for this matter. Everything else doesnt seem to matter, i minute i am angry boys and now i am just angry at FATE!!!!! or whatever.
What should I do?
In short, you want to look for your biological parents, especially your biological mother.
It is your own choice, but I can assure you it will upset your adoptive parents a great deal, as they would be worried that you would be taken away from them, or that you would choose to leave them. Of course I highly doubt you will do such a thing, but parents are parents afterall.
And even if you meet your biological mother, what can you do and what will you do? What if she starts pestering you to return to her side, and even worse, for money? How will you handle such a situation?
Everything must be done with careful planning. If you do not plan ahead, especially what to say and what to do in each possible situation, you might find yourself doing or saying the wrong thing and ended up regretting later.
-
Regardless if you knew or not know the past, can you change or alter it in anyway?
What had happened, has happened, and nothing can change such facts. We cannot change one bit of yesterday, but we can still control what will happen tomorrow.
Your parents loved and took care of you yesterday, and will continue to love and take care of you tomorrow, as you too must love them and take care of them. The past is gone, severed like an umbilical cord between a mother and child at birth. It is the actions that a mother does that binds a child to her, and your present parents are the ties that bind and worthy of love and concern in return.
Be glad you had experience love and care growing up, sacrificed largely by your parents for no lives are every rosy daily, and not abandoned on streets or lived in parentless orphanage.
The past is gone, regardless of whom your biological parents ever were. Knowing or not knowing the truth will not alter your past one bit, but will only hinder your future with the sorrows, regrets and 'ifs' it brings.
Your concern is with those who love and cared for you in the past and into the future, which you must return in equal or more in measure for the kindness given.
I speak thru experience, for I too am an adopted child, and had never bothered to find out about my origins, for there is nothing I can do about it. But there is much I can do to those who love and took care of me over long periods, and gave me the best gift a human can ever hope for - unconditional pure love that only parents and child can share.
Cheers.
-
And even if you meet your biological mother, what can you do and what will you do? What if she starts pestering you to return to her side, and even worse, for money? How will you handle such a situation?
Those are good points.
Most likely your adopted parents had already made certain arrangements with your real mother, gave her some money, made deal that she won't come looking for you etc.
Is it better to think carefully first before making your next move.
-
as long as your current parents treat you good, you dont have to think so much. related by blood - big deal. adopted, so what?
dont be so immature and hurt your adopted parents' feelings.
-
Dont worry la.....spend some time for evaluation...your mind will be clearer.....
-
Originally posted by huzane89:
For 11 years 11 months, i lived a great life. I have a tremendous loving family. They provided me with all the needs and wants.
I have very similar features to my mother so, I was shocked when I found the adoption papers yesterday in our JB house. My parents were in singapore then. I have a fraternal twin sis that doesnt look like any of our relatives.
All my life, I thought that I was the 3rd child and the birth certs showed that my adoptive parents were my birth parents. The documents I found were the adoption papers and a petition to change my sister & my names to our current name. And there too, was photocopy of my birth mum's IC. She looks exactly like me. From the info, she was 20 when she gave birth to me & my sis & there is no name of the father.
I am a muslim so, if a child is born out of wedlock, the name of the father should be known as Abdullah which means child of god. My 'original' name was radhiyah Binti Abdullah and with no name of the father listed, presummably, I am a bastard child.
There was one time, when i was 5, a lady came to our house and played with sis & I and she called me radhiyah, but at that age, i didnt think anything abt it.
For 20 yrs, the WHOLE family, my aunt, uncles, grandmother etc hid this from us. No wonder my late grandfather had this disgusted look everytime he looked at us.
And I think that my paternal aunt in law knows this lady as her relatives tend to know and show care abt us than anybody else. And they keep asking so many qns.
I have not told my parents abt what i have just discovered. But i feel sad that they didnt tell me. They tolerated with my tantrums, problems etc. And even defended me when i had a quarrel with my 2nd brother. They loved us not like, but MORE than their own children.
Usually, when I look in the mirror i could see both my parents faces, now, i just see a face of someone i dont know. I want answers from my birth mum, regarding health history, who was the guy who knocked her up etc. so many qns. It's just that I dont want to offend or hurt my parents feelings by searching for her. I dont want her love, I had plenty from my parents, I just want answers. I dont want to be thought as being ungrateful.
I am just sad that I am not related to them by blood. I couldnt stop thinking for this matter. Everything else doesnt seem to matter, i minute i am angry boys and now i am just angry at FATE!!!!! or whatever.
What should I do?
you shoud accept the fact that they are raising you till now.
Without your step parents, then who is gonna take care of you till now?
Your step parents are the one who step up to take care of you.
Kalau dah takdir, terima saje lah. :) Tuhan je maha berkuasa. -
i oso adopted child
of all their children, i was the only kid given up for adoption
but I have been keeping in touch with birth parents since young
-
Is the sister also adopted?
-
Please la, if they let u know you are adopted means they don't love you, you know.
I have a old neighbour also adopted but she not treated well, since young she was given the impression she was the extra one from the family and she was told she was adopted. Till this day, she still not accepted by the family.
So u, count your blessings okie.
-
I feel very happy with both pair of parents
they love me alot
that's y i had a happy family too
-
u where got tell bad things one.
everything also good one.
hahahah
-
y u jeolous har
at least better den u can le